Can't You See That You're Killing Each Other's Soul (Jerry Garcia - Great Cream Puff War)

Earlier in the week, I went to the hospital to do Vidui, the final confession for an elderly man whose death seemed imminent. When I arrived, his family was there including children and grandchildren. After I did the Vidui, the children and the grandchildren needed to talk. They asked me about a funeral, whom to call, and what to do. The daughter in law, holding her youngest child on her lap asked me whether or not I thought it was appropriate to bring children to the funeral and to the cemetery. Unequivocally, I said that it was absolutely appropriate to bring the children and it is important for them to be with their family during this difficult time. I explained that children need to learn how to make sense of certain life cycle events. It should not be left up to their imagination, nor should they be alone. They should be with their family, free to ask questions and express their feelings. Also, they need to learn how to deal with this kind of loss since it is something they will contend with throughout their respective lives, and being with their parents and family for the first time is the safest way to learn how to deal with this type of loss.  I explained to this young mother, that the most important gift she and her husband can provide for their children is the emotional strength to handle loss and not be afraid.  The emotions of loss: grief, sadness, sorrow, despair are part of the process of dealing with these life cycle issues in a matter of fact type of way. I asked the young mother if she wanted her children to grow up being whole and complete people. She responded that she did. I explained that to be whole and complete means that her children do not grow up being paralyzed by life and death, nor becoming so emotionally distraught that they don’t know how to live life after experiencing such a severe loss. I suggested that might be the biggest gift parents can give their children, the tools to find Peace, a Brit Shalom, Covenant of Peace.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Pinchas. The first few Psukim of the Parsha are a direct continuation of the previous Shabbat Parsha Balak. There is no elapse of time in the narrative. Balak concludes with a plague upon Bnai Yisroel for its worship of Moabite/Midianite god, Baal Peor. Aaron’s son Pinchas zealously acts by killing Zimri from the tribe of Shimon and Cozbi the Midianite woman. God tells Moshe to reward Pinchas for his behavior by giving him the Brit Shalom, the Covenant of Peace. This covenant is only for Pinchas and his descendants. Keeping in mind that B’nai Yisroel has now concluded it 40 years of wandering in the wilderness and are poised upon the eastern bank of the Jordan River; a new census is taken. Just like we needed to know how many left Egypt, we now need to know how many will enter into Eretz Canaan. After the census is taken Moshe must judge a legal case concerning the laws of inheritance when a man has only daughters. This brief narrative is about the “Daughters of Tzelophchad”. Following this narrative, God commands Moshe to teach the new generation the laws for time-bound offerings including the Shabbat offering, the Rosh Chodesh offering, the offerings for the Shelosh Regalim (Three Pilgrimage Festivals, etc).

Isn't it odd, or perhaps even disturbing, that Pinchas' zealousness, his subsequent spear throwing and impaling his targets is rewarded with a Brit Shalom - a Covenant of Peace and Brit Kehunat Olam - a covenant of an everlasting Priesthood? (Num. 25:12). Through our modernist lens, I imagine that most people consider or at least can understand why some may consider Pinchas act to be nothing more than fanaticism or vigilantism. The Neziv (Rabbi Zvi Yehuda Berlin Poland 1817-1893; the Rosh Yeshiva of the Volozhin Yeshiva) assumes that intrinsic to an act of vigilantism or fanaticism is a person whose soul and entire being is in turmoil and not in a state of peace.  The Neziv explains that the Brit Shalom is a guarantee of peace from an inner enemy, from whatever lurked within Pinchas that caused him to kill another human being without due process. "The Holy One, Blessed He, blessed him [Pinchas] with the attribute of peace, that he should not be quick-tempered or angry. Since it was only natural that such a deed as Pinchas' should leave in his heart intense emotional unrest afterward, the Divine blessing was designed to cope with this situation and promised peace and tranquility of the soul." We can now begin to make some sense of Brit Shalom, Covenant of Peace. Once Pinchas committed his first act of zealous defense of God's glory, perhaps it becomes easier and easier to commit a second, third or forty-eighth act in the name of God's glory. At some point, from the Neziv's perspective, the zealot's soul becomes damaged, the zealot's emotions are incapable of feelings, and the zealot's eyes become unseeing except through the lens of their zealousness, ideology, and the slavish adherence to defending its purity. The zealot, by definition, is an extremist. Jewish Law frowns upon extremism (see the laws of the Nazarite).  Precisely because the zealot does not know peace when he/she commits such an act, the only “gift” God could give Pinchas was that the tumult and turmoil within Pinchas’  soul should cease and his soul should become Shaleim whole, complete and at peace.

From this perspective, that Brit Shalom was not so much a reward of external gain as it was a reward for internal “normalcy”, the Brit Shalom and the Brit Kehunat L’Olam seem much more appropriate. Isn’t that what we wish for our children? We know that during the course of their lives there will be moments of tumult. We know that they will experience tension between their belief system and the realities of daily life. We know that they will be exposed to extreme emotions of joy, of sadness, of anguish and of anger. Pinchas received a Brit Shalom in order to manage the tumult within his soul. When parents and grandparents see their children and grandchildren's soul in spiritual and emotional tumult;  certainly they wish for nothing but Peace for their suffering children and grandchildren. Indeed, when children and grandchildren experience extreme and intense emotions that are an inevitable part of life; we pray that they will be able to return to a state of peace and contentment with themselves and their lives.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

Close The Gap Of The Dark Years In Between (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "Cassidy")

Earlier in the week, our kids had a few days off and visited their grandparents in Rochester, NY. The plan was for my parents to drive the kids back to Toronto and spend the night, see their granddaughter play in her volleyball match and return to their home the next day. The day before they were to drive back to Toronto, I received a phone call from my father. His stomach was bad, he wasn’t feeling well, and he anticipated that driving on the designated day was problematic. Rather than listen, I grew incredibly impatient and told him that I would drive down to pick up my kids have dinner and drive back. He then asked me to spend the night and head back the next morning. I gave my father an earful as I shared by aggravation with him. He must have been feeling quite ill because he said that he didn’t feel well enough to yell back at me. I may have yelled a few other choice words, hung up, and prepared for an afternoon and evening of driving. When I arrived at my parents, my mother thanked for schlepping. In fact, she thanked me far too much. My father was lying in bed, I checked in on him. Again, he asked me to spend the night. I reminded him that if he felt too sick to fight with me, why would he keep asking me such a question and start a fight? After some more choice words, I told him I planned on eating dinner and returning to Toronto. As I sat with my mother and my two kids and ate dinner, my father sat down at the table. He looked pale and drawn. He smiled weakly and started to say something. I am not sure what he said, all I know is that I became acutely aware that both my parents are aging and that I want them to see their grandchildren whenever possible. Then I apologized for the way I spoke to my father and my impatience with him.

In this week’s Parsha, Ki Tisa, we read about Moshe and a nation entering into the apology process. We read about T’shuvah. The parshah begins with God telling Moshe to conduct a census and each adult should make a donation. Meanwhile, B’nai Yisroel had been getting quite worried while Moshe was up the mountain for 40 days and nights. So they had Aaron build a Golden Calf. Well needless to say, B’nai Yisroel’s idolatry (avodah zarah) did not exactly go unnoticed. God says “Let my anger flare up against them and I shall annihilate them…” (Ex. 32:10). Moshe was just as angry. “Moshe’s anger flared up, He threw down the tablets from his hands, and shattered them at the foot of the mountain” (Ex. 32:19). Moshe chastised the people and then went back up the mountain to placate God’s anger. After everyone calmed down, punishments were meted out.  As God and Moshe began the re-issuing of the two tablets. Moshe pleads for forgiveness on behalf of the people and then descends with the second set of tablets.

 God and Moshe grew closer. God had a new found respect for Moshe and his people, and Moshe had a new found closeness with God. So much so, that Moshe uttered the words “Hodi’eini nah et D’rachecha V’Eda’acha -Make your way known to me so that I may know You…Show me Your Glory” (Ex. 33:13:14). God re-issues his covenant with Moshe, and reveals himself to Moshe. What an incredibly powerful moment! Moshe sought forgiveness, and learned how to do so in a thoughtful and honest manner. Certainly, there was punishment. Certainly, there was fear. Yet the process lent itself to a closer, more loving, respectful, meaningful and deeper relationship. Rashi clarifies Moshe’s request. “Moshe said that he had failed to understand sufficiently what God had told him and he wanted God to accompany him and Israel not God’s angel”. Moshe wanted to understand God’s way of bestowing reward. Reward was a function of spiritual proximity. Moshe’s apology was expressed in the form of a request. How do I attain greater spiritual proximity? “How do I find favour in your eyes” (Ex. 33:12)?   This closer, more awesome relationship is a product of doing T’shuvah, repentance. As a nation we had never sought repentance. As a nation, we did not even know what repentance was. As a nation, as children, we were just told to behave.  We had not tested the ramifications for not obeying. Now, B’nai Israel had made a grievous mistake. This mistake emanates from a maturing group.  However part of the spiritual maturation process, like any growth process is falling down, making mistakes, and then knowing enough to seek repentance, to do T’shuvah. Moshe did this on behalf of B’nai Yisroel. Moshe wanted to apologize not only to protect the people but also to gain a deeper comprehension in order to become spiritually closer.

            Perhaps there is no experience more humbling than asking for forgiveness.  To truly seek forgiveness, one must put aside one’s own ego, as well as one’s feeling of shame and embarrassment.  If our egos are too large, if we are too ashamed and too embarrassed then we will prevent ourselves from humbly seeking forgiveness and we remain distant As children, adults, and as a people, we all need a way to apologize in a meaningful, honest and thoughtful manner. We all need a safe haven to issue such an apology. Then when punishment is meted out, we understand that it is a result of behavior and not for being. No matter how long we remain negligent in our behavior and observance there is a way back towards God and Torah. However the impetus is upon us. We must take the first steps. We must go through some introspection, some tough honesty, and some self-reflection because that formula demands it. Otherwise the words are rather empty. Only then can we achieve meaningful repentance and stand in close proximity to God. Only then can we achieve a sense of self-contentment, inner peace and spiritual radiance. “When Moshe descended from Mount Sinai… Moshe did not know that the skin of his face had become radiant” (Ex. 34:29).

Shabbat Shalom,

Rabbi Lipson