So Come Walking In The Sun With Me My Little One (Dave Parker & Jerry Garcia - "The Only Time Is Now")

One of the things we parents vow is to avoid repeating the negative experiences of our childhood with our children. The other thing we parents vow is to share our positive childhood experiences with our children. Perhaps that is why I have taken my kids to see my favorite band. Perhaps that is why I enjoy playing golf with my son, after all, I have many positive memories and experiences playing golf with my father and grandfather. Among the other positive experiences, I had with my father was walking to Shul with him on Shabbat. From the time of my Bar Mitzvah until I was in my mid-thirties when my parents lived near their shul when I was in their home, I walked to shul with my father. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we didn’t. However, just walking with him was my time with my dad; not having to share the time with my mother or sister, was a special time. As a parent, I wanted to share that with my children.  Living 4 ¼ miles from shul makes walking with my son an infrequent event. However, when the opportunity presents itself, and my son and I can walk to shul, it is a moment that I cherish. When he was little, I wrapped my pinkie finger and thumb around his wrist and wrapped my hand all around his. When he was little, I whistled or felt the need to keep him entertained while we walked to shul. Now, at fifteen, he is nearly as tall as me, his hands are as big as mine and he put his arm around me, sometimes protectively, sometimes just affectionately. Sometimes we speak, sometimes we don’t. While he walks with his eyes ahead, I catch myself looking at this maturing young man; I look at him and I am transported to a Shabbat when I was fifteen walking with my father, sometimes talking and sometimes not.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, (hospitality). He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that the world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s firstborn son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.

The Akeidat Yitzchak, the Binding of Isaac, a narrative that is considered to be among the most important if not the most important passage in the entire Torah, encompasses 19 verses. The language is terse and the details are sparse. So when a word or a derivative of a word appears six times in a sparsely worded, minimally detailed narrative, perhaps the text is teaching us something.  The word YaChDaV, or a form of of the word, such as YaChiD, or YaChiDecha (Yod, Chet, Dalet), appears six times: 22:2, 22:6, 22:8, 22:12; 22:16; 22:19 ) Yachadav in verses 22: 6, 22:8, and 22:19 means together, as in “they walked together”. Yachidcha, in 22:2, 22:12 and 22:16 “your only son. The Or HaChayim (Rabbi Chaim Attar, 18^th century Morroco) explains Yechidcha –Your only (son) as tantamount to the sanctity of loving one’s own soul.  In singling out Yitzchak to Avraham, God describes Yitzchak as Bincha – Your son (God speaking to Avraham). However, a Ben, a son will one day become his own man. However, God also describes Yitzchak as Yechidcha – he is your only, that is to say, joined with and part of your soul.  Yechidcha suggests there is no separation or distinction between father and son between the soul of the father and the soul of the son. By using the word Yachdav as a way to describe the fact that Avraham and Yitzchak walked together, we get an idea of how they walked together. When reading the text, we might want to ask, “What did father and son talk about for three days?”  The text ignores the first two days of the journey and only picks up the narrative once Avraham sees the mountain. But because the Torah uses the word YaChDav, we know that father and son walked in harmony, united, as one soul. There would be no reason to speak. Father and son know each other’s thoughts, they are kindred spirits. Rashi, the 11th Century French commentator explains that they walk together with a singular purpose.  Isaac is Avraham’s entire world and he understands Yitzchak’s pain is his father’s pain, Yitzchak’s anxiety is his father’s anxiety, and Yitzchak’s faith is his father’s faith. As much as Yitzchak is about to be bound to the altar in preparation for the offering, Yitzchak and Avraham are already bound together. 

So a father and son walk together, quietly. Certainly, each one is aware of what is before them. One will make the offering and one will be the offering. Yet, both are bound “together” with a singular purpose. A father and son walk together. Inevitably, the father and son glance at each other, knowing each other role. They are so spiritually close that with each glance they see themselves. Avraham sees what he used to be: young, idealistic, and pure; pure enough to be an offering. Yitzchak sees an old man (the Midrash teaches that there was no such thing as looking elderly until Avraham), who carries the spiritual scars of numerous triumphs, tribulations, and numerous spiritual tests. Yitzchak sees an old man girded in the armor of his faith in God. Hopefully, when my son and I walk together to shul, he doesn’t see such an “old man” just an “older man”. Maybe when he glances upon me he looks upon me the same way I looked upon my dad.  I know that when I look upon him, I wistfully think of myself at fifteen, coming into my own physically, formulating my own ideas about the world and wanting to challenge my father. However, I am also reassured that my father was just happy and content walking together when I was fifteen. So, I glance at my son and hope that he understands that just how content my soul is walking with him to shul.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

"When I Was A Young Man, I Needed Good Luck" (Robert Hunter & Keith Godchaux -"Let Me Sing Your Blues Away")

I admit it. Over the past few weeks I had been a bit obsessed about the Presidential Election. I would watch the news until all hours the night. I neglected to help my kids with their homework.  Thankfully, my wife picked up the slack. Well, I am back to the grind helping kids with homework. During one evening while helping our son, he decided to lament just how demanding 7th grade life has become. A quiz that required a few minutes of review, a test to prepare for, our son expressed his exasperation, his frustration offering one excuse after another. “The material is boring”, “the teacher doesn’t teach,” “It's not like I will ever use this stuff”. All this coming out of the mouth of a boy preparing for Bar Mitzvah.  The poor kid didn’t have a chance. I asked our son his age. I confirmed that he, indeed was studying for Bar Mitzvah. I clarified his “job” his “occupation”. I remarked that maybe it was time he starts to grow up a bit and exert some effort and take pride in his work. Obviously this didn’t go over well as I think he was expecting me to empathize with him. Boy was he surprised. In no uncertain words, I asked our son if he wanted me to treat him like a little boy, or a young man on the brink of assuming the responsibility of observing Mitzvot (Commandments) and being a Bar Mitzvah. I asked him how long he wanted to be treated like a little boy as opposed to a young man with responsibility as well as privileges. I suggested he think about those two terms, “little boy” and “young man” and what those terms meant to him.

This week’s Parsha is VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in S’dom and Amorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac. While the narrative highlights Avraham’s faith in God, and certainly a man worthy of receiving God’s covenant; the Parsha is replete with parent’s ill treatment of children. Avraham was willing to offer his son Yitzchak as a way of indicating his faith in God. He banished his son Ishmael into the wilderness. Certainly it is possible to evaluate Avraham’s behavior as a father as a bit negligent to say the least and perhaps abusive.

            Yet the Torah struggles with portraying Avraham’s sons as just that, sons. When we read the text, we view Yitzchak and Ishmael as little boys, helpless victims in Avraham’s displays of faith. We easily forget that Yitzchak was thirty seven years old when Avraham was asked to make him an offering to God. Ishmael’s status changes throughout the Parsha. His status changes within one narrative from verse to verse.  VaYeira HaDavar M’Ode B’Einei Avraham Al Odot B’no. VaYomer Elokim El Avraham Al Yeira B’Einecha AL HaNa’Ar v’Al Amatecha – The matter greatly distressed Avraham regarding his son. So God said to Avraham, “be not distressed over the (HaNa’ar) youth or your slave woman. (21:11-12). VaYitein El Hagar Sam Al Shichmah V’Et HaYeled V’Yishalcheha VaTeileich BaTeita B’Midbar B’Eir Shava -  He placed them on her should along with the Yeled (the boy), and sent her off… (Gen. 21:14).  Why does the text easily and seemingly so arbitrarily switch between the use of Yeled (the boy) and the Na’Ar (the youth)? The Chatam Sofer, Rabbi Moshe Shchreiber, a late 18^th early 19^th century German commentator and Halachist, points out that the term Na’ar (Youth) is used when Ishmael is home living with Avraham, and the term Yeled (boy/child) is used when Ishmael is in the wilderness cut off from his father’s influence.  A Na’Ar (a youth) was held to the same high standards that Avraham held for himself and his household. This means that as a Na’Ar, Ishmael embodied and lived up to the expectations of Avraham’s teachings. As Yeled (a boy), Ishmael was not held to the same high exacting standard of behavior and belief.

Parenting is no easy task. Quite often it is thankless. As parents we are constantly forced to make choices. Some of our choices are truly tests in our faith in God. Some of our choices leave us feeling that we are stuck between choosing the between “bad” and “worse”. Some of our choices mean that we need to know when the child is ready to transition from one stage of life to the next, from “baby” to “big boy”, from “child” to “young man”. As parents we have a responsibility to our children, to pass along morals, values, and Torah. As parents we also have the responsibility to determine how much responsibility our kids can handle as they make their way within the developmental process. As a result, we need to see our children as they are and not how we wish them to be. Only then can we help them transition from one stage of life to the next.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Don't You Turn Around, No Don't Look After You (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia- "Gomorrah")

I had a chance to speak to a friend of mine who lives in Jerusalem. The attacks have become personal for him as there had been an attack at the bus stop that his son’s use for school. On the day that he and his wife decided not to use the bus but rather begin driving their son’s to school, there was an attack that afternoon at the time they would have been arrived home from school. Needless to say, he and his wife were a little bit shaken up. Make no mistake, my friend has no love for the Palestinian leadership that incites this behavior. He is hardly a Peace-Now kind of guy. He readily acknowledges that there is no-one from the Palestinian leadership with whom to talk much less negotiate. However, he also feels the same way about Israel’s Prime Minister, Bibi Netanyahu. He points out that he along with 70% of Israelis are dissatisfied with how he is handling the crisis. He explained that whatever the Prime Minister is doing is not working. He points out Bibi is no longer believable. My friend points to the example that when Bibi exclaims that there is no change in the status quo regarding the Temple Mount; neither Israelis nor Palestinian believe him.   Why? Because Bibi is still looking backwards and invoking the Holocaust and the role that the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem played in the Holocaust.  For my friend, whose grandparents were survivors, and whose parents were born in DP camps, invoking the Holocaust is a code for no answers, no solutions for the future but rather comfort in looking back.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.

                During these adventures, during these tests, it is fascinating to watch Avraham deal with each new issue, each new tension and arrive at solutions. Avraham always looks forward. Avraham looked forward towards Sodom and Gomorrah while God talked to Avraham about his intention to destroy those cities. When he is commanded to banish Hagar and Ishmael, Avraham looks forward toward where they will be going and gives them food and water in order to survive the journey. When asked to sacrifice his son, Isaac, Avraham doesn’t look back, he looks forward, towards the mountain where the sacrifice will supposedly occur. Compare this with Lot and his family (Gen 19:12-26). When it became imminent that they needed to leave. Three times the angels tell Lot it’s time to leave. First Lot tells his children to leave, although there is no indication that Lot and his wife intent to go. The second time, the two angels lead Lot, his wife and children out; but Lot still can’t just leave! VaYitmama – still he lingered (Gen 19:16). Even when God’s messengers grab Lot, his wife, and his daughters by the hands and led them out of the city VaYomer Himaleit Al Nafshecha Al Tabit Acharecha v’Al Taamod B’Chol HaKikar Hahara Himaleit pen Tisafeh- Flee for your life! Do not look behind you nor stop anywhere in all the plain; flee to the mount lest you be swept away (Gen 19:17). Lot can’t just move on. He stays to stay and negotiate, figuring he can flee to a nearby city.  Finally, they begin making their way towards the alternative destination VeTabeit Ishto M’Acharav Vathi  Ntziv Melach  But His wife looked back and she became a pillar of salt (Gen. 19:26) Ramban explains that she looked back to make sure her daughters were following. What parent would flee and have the children (little or young adult) behind them? A parent would either have the children in front of them or be holding their hand while fleeing. So what other reason was there to turn around. Like her husband, who had such a difficult time to move forward, Lot’s wife want to turn around one last time in order to see the life and the world she was leaving. She was merely emulating Lot. However she did it “one more time”. From the Angels perspective enough was enough.

                Sometimes moving forward can be very difficult. It can be especially difficult if there is a lack of commitment to move forward. Sometimes even with a strong commitment to move forward, the obstacles are too overwhelming. Sometimes it can be scary to go forward by oneself even if they know that it is the correct path. Sometimes moving forward means sacrificing a job, or power, or popularity. Sometimes moving forward is so emotionally paralyzing because it opens a whole new series of unanticipated consequences or even anticipated consequences with unacceptable solutions. Certainly it is important to understand the past since it helps to deal with the future. However, one must avoid being enslaved by the past.  For Lot, as well as his wife, their sense of purpose was linked to life in the city… Sodom, or any city, it didn’t matter. Clearly their reason for being was not demonstrating faith in God. As my friend points out, Bibi’s reason for being is that he is tough when it comes to dealing with the Palestinians and passionately defends Israeli lives. But if the Palestinian issue is solved, and Israeli feel safe, and the problems appear to have been diminished, then what is Bibi’s reason for being? So Bibi looks back and makes sure that the lake of safety and the state of tension is linked to the Holocaust in order to make people feel more unsafe and more anxious so that he is needed even more. “How’s that working out?’ my friend asks. Surprised by his cynicism, my friend reminds that the cynicism belongs to the leadership on both sides.

Peace,

Rav Yitz