Now I Live In Fear Of Waking Up Each Morning (Don Rollins - "The Race Is On")

          I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I wake up, a bit anxious, and worried. So I get out of bed, head downstairs,  sip some tea, and look out at the night sky.   While looking at the stars, I find myself thinking about my aging parents and their health. I think about my children and where they are in their lives. I think about how to afford college tuition, and pay for an upcoming wedding. I look at the stars and think about where I am in my life, where I am in my career and the anxiety of working and earning a paycheck.  As I continue to look out into the night sky and sip my tea, I am reassured that we all go through a period of time where we struggle with the existential angst of life. For some reason, it occurs late at night while everyone else sleeps soundly.

          This Shabbat we read from Parsha Vayishlach. Yaakov and his family prepare to return to Yaakov’s home. However, they will first need to deal with an almost twenty-year grudge held by Esav. Yaakov will hope for the best and prepare for the worst as he prepares to meet his brother.  After their short reunion, Yaakov makes his way back to his ancestral lands. His mother passes away. He is blessed with another son, Benjamin, born to his wife Rachel. However, she dies in childbirth. His daughter, Dinah, has an illicit relationship with the prince of Shechem. According to the text, she is rendered “impure” and her brothers wipe out the prince and his village. Yaakov’s name is changed to Yisroel. God blessed Yaakov within the context of the covenant made with Avraham and Yitzchok. Yaakov’s blessing includes children, land, and wealth, all of the things that God promised to Yaakov’s grandfather – Avraham. The Parsha concludes with Yaakov and Esav seeing each other one last time in order to bury their father Yitzchok, and then we read the final psukim: a list of Esav’s descendants down to grandchildren.

           Parsha VaYishlach is replete with dramatic moments. Arguably among the most dramatic moments occurs the night before Yaakov meets his brother Esav after a 20-year feud, a moment in which  Yaakov’s life is forever changed.  VaYivater Yaakov L’Vado, VaYei’avek Ish Imo Ad A lot HaShachar – Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn.  VaYar Ki Lo Yachol Lo VYiga B’Chaf Yereicho VaTeikah Kaf Yerech Yaakov  B’Hei’Avko Imo – When he perceived that he could not overcome him, he struck the socket of his hip; so Jacob’s hip socket was dislocated as he wrestled with him.  VaYomer Shalcheini Ki Alah Hashachar Vayomer Lo Ashaleichecha Ki Im Beiractani – Then he said, “Let me go, for dawn has broken. “ And he said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” Vayomer Eilav Mah Shemecha VaYomer Yaakov – and he said to him, “what is your name” and he said “Jacob”. Vayomer Lo Yaakov Yei’Amar Od Shimcha Ki Im Yisroel Ki Sarita Im Elohim V’Im Anashim Vatuchal – He said, “No longer will it be said that your name is Jacob, but Israel, for you fought with the Divine and with man and have overcome.”  (Gen 32:25-29)  So if Yaakov was left alone, with whom did he wrestle?  The Torah tells us he wrestled with a man, however by the end of this brief narrative, Yaakov is asking the man to bless him.  There is no consensus among the classical commentators known as The M’forshim. Explanations attempting to define the “man” range from an angel, an angel of Esav, or an angel in the form of man. The language of the wrestling match only uses the Hebrew word “Hu” – in English "he". The Torah tells us that he held on, he didn’t let go, he blessed him, “he” wrestled with him. Yaakov’s name is only mentioned when his hip is pulled out of the joint, and Yaakov is about to be renamed. A more modern and psychologically aware understanding suggests that the “man” is Yaakov. Yaakov is struggling with himself. The reality is, During his sleepless night, during his “mid-life crisis” and his “moment of clarity”; Yaakov struggled with himself, and eventually Yaakov will accept his relationship with God and a sense of purpose in his life. This does not mean his life will be easier. It just means that Yaakov, with this renewed sense of purpose and identity, will be able to deal with all the troubles and heartache that are involved in living life.

          Yes, there have been more nights when my sleep is interrupted by worry and anxiety. Indeed, there are more worries, and there are more things that feel beyond my control.  There are more times that I worry about the direction of my life and whether this is the right path. No, we don’t necessarily have our hips pulled out of joint when we wake up in the middle of the night with this existential angst.  However, transitions can be filled with anxiety. It probably causes wrinkles and definitely causes gray hair. However, those struggles can serve a purpose. Those struggles can lead us to moments of clarity, and we understand that our lives do have a purpose, and our families will be ok and everything will be all right.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

Mama, Mama, Many Worlds I've Come Since I First Left Home (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Brokedown Palace")

           The United States observance and celebration of it Thanksgiving signal the beginning of the holiday season. If Christmas decorations have not yet appeared in storefronts, they do so now. Individual homes and town centers begin cleaning up and decorating acknowledging Christmas and Chanukkah. We all begin shopping for gifts for family and friends. Of course, all the Christmas specials are re-broadcast on television. Our family’s favorite Holiday season movie is Frank Capra’s 1946 film It’s A Wonderful Life.  I have watched the movie since I was a kid. With each passing year, with each phase of my life, I have seen Jimmy Stewart’s character, George Bailey, in a different light. As he went through different phases of growing up, getting married, and raising a family, I have done the same. As he struggled with his existential angst, so have I. This year, for the first time in 32 years, I have no children in my house. Instead, they are living their lives, on their own, following their path. As a result, I experienced the movie just a bit differently than before.   During one particular scene Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey sits at the dining room table with his mother, his father, and his younger brother, they discuss George’s future plans. He expresses his need to leave and go out on his own: “I just feel like if I don't get away, I'd bust.” I smiled to myself because, in my mind, it seemed like yesterday that I felt that way in terms of my parents. Now I am at a point in my life where my kids have all adopted a similar mantra. For the first time, I identified with George Bailey’s father, the parent offering guidance to the child who prepares to go off on his own. 

          This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeitze. The focus of the narrative is on Yaakov. For the first time, Yaakov will find out what it means to be alone in the world.  He has left his mother, Rivkah, and his father Yitzchak, for the first time. In fleeing his brother Esav, Yaakov now embarks on a new phase of his life. For the first time, but certainly not the last time, he will have to face being alone. He will learn to be an independent individual. Yes, Yaakov will meet his future wives, his cousins Leah and Rachel. He will work for his father-in-law, Lavan, and he will have children. The narrative will focus on Yaakov’s life from young adulthood to becoming a responsible father, earning a living, and all the trials, tribulations, and tensions of career and family. As Yaakov makes his way in life, hopefully, he will learn more about himself. With each event, with each adventure, Yaakov has an opportunity to become better connected, better connected to himself, and better connected to a covenant that his father bequeathed to him. Yet throughout the narrative he will learn to be alone, he will learn to become independent, and he will learn, through trial and error, to whom he should spiritually cling: Esav, his parents, Lavan, his wives, and God.

           At the conclusion of the previous Parsha, Parsha Toldot, we read that Yitzchak and Rivkah instructed Yaakov to go to Padan- Aram, to the house of Bethuel (Rivkah’s father’s home) and take a wife from there. We would expect Parsha VaYeitze to begin with Yaakov heading to Padan- Aram. Instead, VaYeitze begins: VaYeitze Yaakov M’Beer Sheva VaYeilech Charana – Yaakov departed from Beer Sheva and went toward Charan. Why doesn’t VaYeitze, say that Yaakov departed and went to Padan Aram? Why do we need to be told that he went to Charan? What’s in Charan? Yaakov has never been away from home. Although he is heading toward his mother’s family; even Rivkah knew enough to leave her family of origin. Now Yaakov, in order to preserve his life, must leave his family of origin. In Toldot, Yaakov was described as Ish Tam  Yoshev Ohalim – a simple man of faith who dwells in tents (Gen. 19;27) The Talmudic Sages explain that Yaakov’s dwelling in the tents meant that he spent time in his parent’s tents studying and learning. However, no learning would prepare him for what he would contend with when dealing with Rivka’s family and particularly her brother Lavan.  Rabbi Kamenetsky, (1891-1986), explained that prior to arriving in Paddan Aram, Yaakov stopped in Charan to learn from Shem and Eber. Shem was Noah’s son and Eber from the generation of the Tower of Bavel. Both were considered righteous and wise men who lived in unsavory environments and managed to retain their sense of righteousness. Yaakov sought their practical wisdom prior to his encounter with Lavan and dealing with becoming independent in an unsavory environment.  He will also need the wisdom of Shem and Eber to help him eventually return home. As a result of Yaakov’s diversion, Yaakov understands that he must maintain a relationship with God, and he understands that he will need to find his way home when the time is right.

          In It’s A Wonderful Life, George Bailey’s desire to leave home was symbolized by his request and his “wish to never been born”. Indeed, when George cries out “I want to live again” he is asking to return home. For Yaakov, he needed to leave his physical home, but clearly, he took with him the values and the learning that he acquired from his family. He took God with him as well as the sense of the land. He took with him a desire to return home. Yaakov and George Bailey derive an aspect of their independence from not only leaving home but leaving home with a code as well has to have the courage and humility to return home. Indeed, our children have all left home, however, our children also know that whenever the need arises, the doors of the home are always open, and their parents' arms are also open to hug them when they walk in the door

Peace
Rav Yitz.

Wildflower Seed On The Sand And Stone; May The Four Winds Blow You Safely Home (Robert Hunter, Bill Kreutzman,& Jerry Garcia - "Franklin's Tower")

Well, it’s Thanksgiving in the United States. Families return home in an attempt to share a few days together, a sumptuous Holiday meal together, and of course family dysfunction together. Obviously, in order for the children to return home for what winds up being dysfunctional family reunions, they must first leave home. So, in our home, we are going through the long difficult process of preparing for our 17-year-old to leave home. As the very common process continues to unfold in our home; I had one of those Sit-Com father moments this week. You know the moment. The wise-cracking, know it all, teenage daughter looks at her father as if he is the most dim-witted, short-sighted, fool on the planet. There I was, in the kitchen, eating my dinner, minding my own business. Our seventeen year old daughter, who firmly believes that neither her mother nor I could possibly understand what she goes through because after all, we were never seventeen, never seniors in high school, never had burning desire to leave home with mixed with the trepidation of leaving home, and never thought that our own parents were as clueless and out of touch as our daughter thinks we are. So after our daughter expressed her aggravation with her mother; I committed the sin of looking up and smiling because she sounded like a typical 17-year-old, with typical 17-year-old anxiety about the questions concerning her gap year and her four years at college/university. Boy did she let me have it! She looked incredulously, sneered and told me that I was annoying and she “couldn’t wait to get out of this house.” I suppose if I was the saintly good father, I would have let it pass or made a comment about how much we will miss her when she does finally leave. However, I am not such a saintly father. So I looked up from my dinner, I smiled and said that “I can’t wait either!”. Needless to say, my comment, which I thought was particularly poignant and thoughtful, didn’t go over very well with daughter or mother. Yet, as part of our daughter’s continued spiritual, emotional and intellectual development, it is important that she leaves home. It is important that the values that we instilled in her, become her values, the code with which we raised her becomes her code, and the rules that we instituted to govern her life becomes the rules by which she governs her own life.

This week we read from Parshat VaYeitzeh- a Parsha that is replete with the Holiday Themes of Thanksgiving and “Home for the Holidays”. The focus of the narrative is upon Yaakov. He has left his mother, Rivkah, and his father Yitzchak, for the first time. In fleeing his brother Esav, Yaakov now embarks on a new phase of his life. Yaakov will meet his future wives, his cousins Leah and Rachel. He will work for his father in- law, Lavan, and he will have children. The narrative focuses on Yaakov life from young adulthood to becoming a responsible father, earning a living and all the trials, tribulation, and tensions of career and family. As Yaakov makes his way in life, hopefully, he will learn more about himself. With each event, with each adventure, Yaakov has an opportunity to become better connected, better connected to himself, and better connected to a covenant that his father bequeathed to him.

Yaakov needs to have his own experiences, and live his own life before he is capable of truly offering thanks and being thankful. After Yaakov dreams of the ladder, he has a revelatory experience. V’hinei Adonai Nitzav Alav, Vayomer: Ani Adonai Elohei Avraham Avicha v’Elohei Yitzchak – and behold Hashem stood above it and said: I am Hashem the God of Abraham your father, and the God of Yitzchak (Gen.28:13). However, God does not introduce himself as “your God” but rather the God of his Avraham and Yitzchak. God appreciates the fact that any sense of a relationship that exists between Yaakov and God is merely a function of Yaakov’s father and grandfather. Although he received a blessing upon fleeing from his home, Yaakov has not experienced his own narrative. He doesn’t share a common narrative with his father or grandfather. Yaakov does not yet have his own connection to God and the covenant. Rather he must develop his connection. Va’yidar Yaakov Neder Leimor: Im Yiheyeh Elohim Imadi, v’Shamrani b’Derech Hazeh Asher Anochi Holeich, v’Natan Li Lechem Le’Echol v’Beged Lilbosh, V’Shavti B’shalom El Beit Avi, V’hayah HaShem Li Leilohim – And Yaakov vowed a vow saying: if the God will stand with me, and guard me on this way that I go, and give me bread to eat and clothing to wear, and returns me in peace to my father’s home, then Hashem will be my God. (Gen 28:20-21).  Yaakov has now laid out the conditions by which Yaakov and God will have their own unique connection, based upon a common narrative that he shares with his father and grandfather. Like his grandfather Avraham who left home (Parsha Lech Lecha) and  developed his own relationship with God, and like his father Yitzchak who had the ties to home severed (see the Akedah/Binding of Isaac); Yaakov innately understands that he needs to leave home and he needs to have the tools and strength to be able to return home. Only after experiencing exile and returning home does Yaakov share enough common experiences with his father and grandfather that he would feel connected to the Covenant and to his family.

Part of the Thanksgiving experience is the idea that Americans return “home” for Thanksgiving. As we sit down to our family’s Thanksgiving meal, we all understand that future Thanksgivings will be different. It was different for my parents when I left home, only to return, first as a single man, then as a married man, then as a father. It will be different for me and my wife. Yes, our eldest has been returning home for Thanksgiving for ten years, but now, our next child will also be returning home for all future Thanksgivings. So yes, “I can’t wait either” for her to leave, not because I won’t miss her, not because she is an annoying teenager, but because I know that she needs to have her own covenant. I know that she needs to take ownership of the values, code, and rules which we tried to instill.  Maybe when she returns home next year she won’t think I’m such a dim-witted clueless father.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Wonder Who Will Water All The Children Of The Garden (Robert Hunter, Phil Lesh & Jerry Garcia - "St. Stephen")

It was an interesting week for fathers and sons and succession this week. It was interesting watching the relationship between the older generation and the younger generation. The week began with Donald Trump Jr. getting into a bit of hot water when seemed to try a bit too hard to help his father with the aid of a Russian Lawyer. While that story continue to be examined and its many layers peeled away there was another father/son moment that occurred early in the week as well. There is no baseball this week due to the All Star game that occurred on Tuesday night. However on Monday night Major League Baseball held its annual home run derby. Eight players were selected. One of players selected was a 21 year old phenom from the Los Angeles Dodgers, named Cody Bellinger. His father, Clay Bellinger, was a former baseball player with a fairly non-descript career primarily as a bench player. Yet on Monday night, there was dad throwing baseballs to his son as the son tried to hit the ball out of the park. In the a particularly touching moment, at the end of the first round, which Cody won; father and son met between the pitcher’s mound and home plate and hugged. When I was younger, as a boy, a teenager and even a young man; it is a hug that my father and my grandfather gave me. It is a hug that I have given my son.  The final father son moment of the week did not make the news, the political talk shows, ESPN or the sports section.  It is approximately five weeks before our son’s Bar Mitzvah. At this point, some say a month and some say two months, the Bar Mitzvah boy puts on his tefillin without making the corresponding blessing. This putting on the tefillin for the first time in front of his community is known as HaNachat Tefillin. So I drove down to camp, and we put on our tefillin together along with his camp community. I had been showing him prior to his leaving for camp, but now we put our tefillin together, sat together and davened together. When we finished, I hugged my son. Although he is nearing his 13^th birthday, the hug felt different than when he was younger. Perhaps he is just growing up.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Pinchas. The first few Psukim of the Parsha are a direct continuation of the previous Parsha: Balak. There is no elapse of time in the narrative. Parsha Balak concludes with a plague upon Bnai Yisroel for its worship of Moabite/Midianite god, Baal Peor. Aaron’s son Pinchas zealously acts by killing Zimri from the tribe of Shimon and Cozbi the Midianite woman. God tells Moshe to reward Pinchas for his behavior by giving him the Brit Shalom, the Covenant of Peace. This covenant is only for Pinchas and his descendants. Keeping in mind that B’nai Yisroel has now concluded it 40 years of wandering in the wilderness and are poised upon the eastern bank of the Jordan River; a new census is taken. Just like we needed to know how many left Egypt, we now need to know how many will enter into Eretz Canaan. After the census is taken Moshe must judge a legal case concerning the laws of inheritance when a man has only daughters. This brief narrative is about the “Daughters of Tzelophchad”. Following this narrative, God commands Moshe to teach the new generation the laws for time bound offerings including the Shabbat offering, the Rosh Chodesh offering, the offerings for the Shelosh Regalim (Three Pilgrimage Festivals etc).

             God also tells Moshe Rabeinu that his time as leader and in fact his life is quickly drawing to a close and that he should put his affairs in order (27:12-18). Given the opportunity this incredible opportunity to put his affairs in order, the most glaring concern that Moshe has is publicly naming and endorsing his successor. Yifkod Adoshem Elokai Haruchot L’Chol Basar Ish Al Ha’Eidah. May Hashem, God of the spirits of all flesh, appoint a man over the assembly, Asher Yeitzei Lifneihem va’Asher Yavo Lifneihem Va’Asher Yevieim V’Lo Tiheyeh Adat Adoshem Katzon Asher Ein Lahem Roeh –who shall go out before them and come in before them, who shall take them out and bring them in; and let the assembly of Hashem not be like sheep that have no shepherd. (27:16-17). Indeed God makes a choice. The question is: why didn’t Moshe just nominate Joshua using the language of the two Psukim and invoking the qualities enumerated in these two psukim?

 It seems that maybe Moshe was hoping for a different answer.  Bemidbar Rabbah, the Talmudic Sages commentary on the book of Bemidbar, makes the following comment: What prompted Moshe to make this request immediately after the chapter dealing with the laws of inheritance? Since the daughters of Tzelophchad inherited their father, Moshe said: Now is the time to make my claims. If daughters inherit, then it is only right that my sons inherit my glory! Said the Holy One Blessed Be He to him: ‘Who so keeps the fig tree shall eat the fruit thereof’ (Proverbs 27:18). Your sons idled away their time and did not occupy themselves with the study of the Torah, but as for Joshua, much did he minister to you and much honor did he apportion you… Since he served you with all his strength it were meet for him to minister to Israel that he doesn’t lose his reward. Take Joshua son of Nun” The Talmud adds: Why do not the children of scholars usually turn out to be scholars? Said Rabbi Yosef: That it should not be said that the Torah came to them by inheritance” (Nedarim 71a).  Rather, Torah is inherited by those who labor in it, who study it, who struggle with it and wrestle with it. A scholar’s son may engage in such activities but he does so because of his own volition, not because of his father.

             In this week of fathers and sons and in understanding Rabbi Yosef’s comment from Nedarim 71a; I realized something very important. In watching, Don Jr. I am not sure he has ever really struggled, I think he just inherited.  Clay Bellinger gave his son a gift, a love for baseball. However we all understand how hard his son, and any accomplished athlete for that matter, must work at his craft in order to be successful. Hours and hours and hours of practice and training are required. As I watch my son, put on his tefillin, take off his tefillin, wrap up his tefillin, I know that I am giving him tools to deal with the struggles of life. But hopefully, like the tefillin he will learn to master life’s struggles and wear his struggles with the same dignity and grace that he is learning to wear his tefillin. Perhaps the gift we give our sons and daughters is the desire or the capacity to put forth the effort in improving their respective lives and the world in which they live. 

Peace,

Rav Yitz

All I Leave Behind Me Is Only What I Found ( Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "China Doll")

Now that the December Holiday season is upon us, one cannot turn on the television without a Christmas special on one channel or a Christmas movie on another channel. Perhaps the most beloved holiday movie in our home is Frank Capra’s “It’s A Wonderful Life”. In fact the first time the movie was on this year occurred earlier this week. With our children on the computer, the phone or the IPod, I happened to turn the movie on. I notified my children that “It’s a Wonderful Life” was on. I have never seen them stop doing whatever it is they were doing. Within a few seconds, our kids were on the sofa watching the movie. We have watched this movie dozens and dozens of times as a family. Often times our kids will ask us questions about the movie, it’s setting, and if life was really the way it is portrayed in the movie. For the first time, our kids picked up on something that I never really noticed. Until Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey gets married, his greatest desire is to leave home, go away to school, and make a life for himself in some other place besides Bedford Falls. This unfulfilled desire gnaws away at him and contributes to his sense of failure as an adult, as a husband, and a father.  They wondered aloud why it is so important for George Bailey to have left home, and why is it such a source of frustration in his life? I explained that leaving home is important because it is vital to become an independent and confident person. I explained that we could talk more after the movie.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeitze. The focus of the narrative is upon Yaakov. For the first time, Yaakov will find out what it means to be alone in the world.  He has left his mother, Rivkah, and his father Yitzchak, for the first time. In fleeing his brother Esav, Yaakov now embarks on a new phase of his life. For the first time, but certainly not the last time, he will have to face being alone. He will learn to be an independent individual. Yes, Yaakov will meet his future wives, his cousins Leah and Rachel. He will work for his father in- law, Lavan, and he will have children. The narrative will focus upon Yaakov’s life from young adulthood to becoming a responsible father, earning a living and all the trials, tribulation, and tensions of career and family. As Yaakov makes his way in life, hopefully he will learn more about himself. With each event, with each adventure, Yaakov has an opportunity to become better connected, better connected to himself, and better connected to a covenant that his father bequeathed to him. Yet throughout the narrative he will learn to be alone, he will learn to become independent, he will learn, through trial and error, to whom he should spiritually cling: from Esav, to his parents, Lavan, his wives, and ultimately God.

At the conclusion of the previous Parsha, Parsha Toldot, we read that Yitzchak and Rivkah instructed Yaakov to go to Padan- Aram, to the house of Bethuel (Rivkah’s father’s home) and take a wife from there. We would expect Parsha VaYeitze to begin with Yaakov heading to Padan- Aram. Instead, VaYeitze begins: VaYeitze Yaakov M’Beer Sheva VaYeilech Charana – Yaakov departed from Beer Sheva and went toward Charan. Why doesn’t VaYeitze, say that Yaakov departed and went to Padan Aram? Why do we need to be told that he went to Charan what’s in Charan? Keeping in mind that Yaakov has never been away from home and although he is heading toward is mother’s family; even Rivkah knew enough to leave her family of origin. Now Yaakov, in order to preserve his life, must leave his family of origin. In Toldot, Yaakov was described as Ish Tam  Yoshev Ohalim – a simple man of faith who dwells in tents (Gen. 19;27) The Talmudic Sages explain that Yaakov’s dwelling in the tents meant that he spent time in his parent’s tents studying and learning. However no learning would prepare him for what he would contend with when dealing with Rivka’s family and particularly her brother Lavan.  Rabbi Kamenetsky, (1891-1986), explained that prior to arriving in Paddan Aram, Yaakov stopped in Charan to learn from Shem and Eber. Shem was Noah’s son, and Eber from the generation of the Tower of Bavel. Both were considered righteous and wise men who lived in unsavory environments and managed to retain their sense of righteousness. Yaakov sought their practical wisdom prior to his encounter with Lavan and dealing with becoming independent in an unsavory environment.  He will also need the wisdom of Shem and Eber to help him eventually return home. As a result of Yaakov’s detour, Yaakov understands that he must maintain a relationship to God, and he understands that he will need to find his way home when the time is right.

As we watched the movie, I suggested that George’s he wished that he never had been born, symbolized his leaving home and all the lives he touched when he left only to return when he returns to real life. For Yaakov, he needed to leave his physical home, but clearly he took with him the values and the learning that he acquired from his family. He took God with him as well as the sense of the land. He took with him a desire to return home. I reminded our children that part of becoming independent is knowing what to bring and what to leave, what wisdom is helpful and which superstitions are foolish. For both Yaakov and George Baily, part of the independence that they achieve is deriving their own faith based upon not only what they learn from their families but from their own experiences. Hopefully, our children, as they strive for their own sense of independence will make stops along the way in order to learn, test, and discover faith for themselves. Of course when they are all finished, hopefully they will come home every so often to visit.

Peace

Rav Yitz.

"When I Was A Young Man, I Needed Good Luck" (Robert Hunter & Keith Godchaux -"Let Me Sing Your Blues Away")

I admit it. Over the past few weeks I had been a bit obsessed about the Presidential Election. I would watch the news until all hours the night. I neglected to help my kids with their homework.  Thankfully, my wife picked up the slack. Well, I am back to the grind helping kids with homework. During one evening while helping our son, he decided to lament just how demanding 7th grade life has become. A quiz that required a few minutes of review, a test to prepare for, our son expressed his exasperation, his frustration offering one excuse after another. “The material is boring”, “the teacher doesn’t teach,” “It's not like I will ever use this stuff”. All this coming out of the mouth of a boy preparing for Bar Mitzvah.  The poor kid didn’t have a chance. I asked our son his age. I confirmed that he, indeed was studying for Bar Mitzvah. I clarified his “job” his “occupation”. I remarked that maybe it was time he starts to grow up a bit and exert some effort and take pride in his work. Obviously this didn’t go over well as I think he was expecting me to empathize with him. Boy was he surprised. In no uncertain words, I asked our son if he wanted me to treat him like a little boy, or a young man on the brink of assuming the responsibility of observing Mitzvot (Commandments) and being a Bar Mitzvah. I asked him how long he wanted to be treated like a little boy as opposed to a young man with responsibility as well as privileges. I suggested he think about those two terms, “little boy” and “young man” and what those terms meant to him.

This week’s Parsha is VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in S’dom and Amorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac. While the narrative highlights Avraham’s faith in God, and certainly a man worthy of receiving God’s covenant; the Parsha is replete with parent’s ill treatment of children. Avraham was willing to offer his son Yitzchak as a way of indicating his faith in God. He banished his son Ishmael into the wilderness. Certainly it is possible to evaluate Avraham’s behavior as a father as a bit negligent to say the least and perhaps abusive.

            Yet the Torah struggles with portraying Avraham’s sons as just that, sons. When we read the text, we view Yitzchak and Ishmael as little boys, helpless victims in Avraham’s displays of faith. We easily forget that Yitzchak was thirty seven years old when Avraham was asked to make him an offering to God. Ishmael’s status changes throughout the Parsha. His status changes within one narrative from verse to verse.  VaYeira HaDavar M’Ode B’Einei Avraham Al Odot B’no. VaYomer Elokim El Avraham Al Yeira B’Einecha AL HaNa’Ar v’Al Amatecha – The matter greatly distressed Avraham regarding his son. So God said to Avraham, “be not distressed over the (HaNa’ar) youth or your slave woman. (21:11-12). VaYitein El Hagar Sam Al Shichmah V’Et HaYeled V’Yishalcheha VaTeileich BaTeita B’Midbar B’Eir Shava -  He placed them on her should along with the Yeled (the boy), and sent her off… (Gen. 21:14).  Why does the text easily and seemingly so arbitrarily switch between the use of Yeled (the boy) and the Na’Ar (the youth)? The Chatam Sofer, Rabbi Moshe Shchreiber, a late 18^th early 19^th century German commentator and Halachist, points out that the term Na’ar (Youth) is used when Ishmael is home living with Avraham, and the term Yeled (boy/child) is used when Ishmael is in the wilderness cut off from his father’s influence.  A Na’Ar (a youth) was held to the same high standards that Avraham held for himself and his household. This means that as a Na’Ar, Ishmael embodied and lived up to the expectations of Avraham’s teachings. As Yeled (a boy), Ishmael was not held to the same high exacting standard of behavior and belief.

Parenting is no easy task. Quite often it is thankless. As parents we are constantly forced to make choices. Some of our choices are truly tests in our faith in God. Some of our choices leave us feeling that we are stuck between choosing the between “bad” and “worse”. Some of our choices mean that we need to know when the child is ready to transition from one stage of life to the next, from “baby” to “big boy”, from “child” to “young man”. As parents we have a responsibility to our children, to pass along morals, values, and Torah. As parents we also have the responsibility to determine how much responsibility our kids can handle as they make their way within the developmental process. As a result, we need to see our children as they are and not how we wish them to be. Only then can we help them transition from one stage of life to the next.

Peace,

Rav Yitz