Like A Child She Is Pure, She Is Not To Blame (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Help Is On The Way"

           With two daughters attending university, a daughter well into her career and supporting herself, and a son in 12th grade filling out university applications, I admit that there are moments that I don’t feel very much like a father of four, that I am “coasting” through fatherhood. After all,  the demands of fatherhood have changed since they were adolescents. However, recently, and all at once, the demands of fatherhood came crashing down upon me. Over the course of 48 hours, I had to spend a few hours helping a daughter with an essay for art history. I had to listen to another daughter share her angst and concern about a relationship and then I had to offer advice. Then later that same night I helped our son with his university application as well as engaged in a heated discussion with him regarding an online class that he was taking for extra credit in which he has procrastinated for months. Then finally, a brief conversation with my eldest daughter about her life. Needless to say, I was emotionally drained. Oh, how I almost yearned for those days when bedtime was early, the homework was simple, and the emotional issues much less fraught.  

           This week’s Parsha is VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s firstborn son and his concubine), and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac. While the narrative highlights Avraham’s faith in God, and certainly a man worthy of receiving God’s covenant; the Parsha is replete with a parent’s ill-treatment of a child. Avraham was willing to offer his son Yitzchak as a way of indicating his faith in God. He banished his son Ishmael into the wilderness. Certainly, it is possible to evaluate Avraham’s behavior as a father as a bit negligent, to say the least, and perhaps abusive.

        Yet the Torah struggles with portraying Avraham’s sons as just that, sons. When we read the text, we view Yitzchak and Ishmael as little boys, helpless victims in Avraham’s displays of faith. We easily forget that Yitzchak was thirty-seven years old when Avraham was asked to make him an offering to God. Ishmael’s status changes throughout the Parsha. His status changes within one narrative from verse to verse.  VaYeira HaDavar M’Ode B’Einei Avraham Al Odot B’no. VaYomer Elokim El Avraham Al Yeira B’Einecha AL HaNa’Ar v’Al Amatecha – The matter greatly distressed Avraham regarding his son. So God said to Avraham, “be not distressed over the (HaNa’ar) youth or your slave woman. (21:11-12). VaYitein El Hagar Sam Al Shichmah V’Et HaYeled V’Yishalcheha VaTeileich BaTeita B’Midbar B’Eir Shava -  He placed them on her should along with the Yeled (the boy), and sent her off… (Gen. 21:14).  Why does the text easily and seemingly so arbitrarily switch between the use of (Yeled) the boy and the (Na’Ar)  youth? The Chatam Sofer, Rabbi Moshe Schreiber, a late 18th early 19th-century German commentator and Halachist, points out that the term Na’ar (Youth) is used when Ishmael is home living with Avraham, and the term Yeled (boy/child) is used when Ishmael is in the wilderness cut off from his father’s influence.  A Na’Ar (a youth) was held to the same high standards that Avraham held for himself and his household. This means that as a Na’Ar, Ishmael embodied and lived up to the expectations of Avraham’s teachings. As Yeled (a boy), Ishmael was not held to the same high exacting standard of behavior and belief nor was he capable.

           Parenting is no easy task. Quite often it is thankless. As parents, we are constantly forced to make choices. Some of our choices are true tests in our faith in God. Some of our choices leave us feeling that we are stuck between choosing between “bad” and “worse”. Some of our choices mean that we need to know when the child is ready to transition from one stage of life to the next, from “baby” to “toddler”, from “teen” to “adult”. As parents we have a responsibility to our children, to pass along morals, values, and Torah. As parents, we also have the responsibility to determine how much responsibility our kids can handle as they make their way within the developmental process. As a result, we need to see our children as they are and not how we wish them to be. Only then can we help them transition from one stage of life to the next.

 Peace,
Rav Yitz 

And So I Wrestle With The Angel To See Who'll Reap The Seeds I Sow (Gerrit Graham & Bob Weir - "Victim Or The Crime")

Like so many American families, we celebrated Thanksgiving. We packed up and drove to my parents’ home. Our eldest daughter who had been working in Florida until the recent midterm elections came, my sister brother in law and niece came.  Our daughter studying in Israel made Thanksgiving and we all had the chance to video chat with her. The last time that I saw our eldest daughter was in June when she came for her sister and brother’s graduation. Certainly, we had video chatted. Let’s just say a video chat doesn’t exactly offer a complete picture. So when she took one look at my completely gray beard, my salt and pepper head of hair, she hugged and kissed me and said. “You are so old! What happened to you?” Like the crows feet around my eyes, I attributed all the gray hair and white beard to the existential angst of fatherhood. For me, existential angst usually occurs in the middle of the night. It wakes me up, I go downstairs, I look outside at the night sky full of stars I think and worry. I worry about life, death, the quality of life and the quality of death, what am I doing with my life, how am I going to pay for Jewish day school, college, and weddings. I worry about my aging parents, my aging mother in law. I worry about my wife worrying about her aging mother. I explain to my eldest daughter that I wake up in the middle of the night and worry about all the stuff that a middle-aged person wrestles with.” While I normally sleep quite soundlessly, every so often I am wake up to wrestle with all my existential angst and worries.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Vayishlach. Yaakov and his family prepare to return to Yaakov’s home. However, they will first need to deal with an almost twenty-year grudge held by Esav. Yaakov will hope for the best and prepare for the worst as he prepares to meet his brother.  After their short reunion, Yaakov makes his way back to his ancestral lands. His mother passes away. He is blessed with another son, Benjamin, born to his wife Rachel. However, she dies in childbirth. His daughter, Dinah, has an illicit relationship with a prince of Shechem. According to the text, she is rendered “impure” and her brothers wipe out the prince and his village. Yaakov’s name is changed to Yisroel. God blessed Yaakov within the context of the covenant made with Avraham and Yitzchok. Yaakov’s blessing includes children, land and wealth, all of the things that God promised to Yaakov’s grandfather – Avraham. The Parsha concludes Yaakov and Esav seeing each other one last time in order to bury their father Yitzchok, and then we read the final psukim: a list of Esav’s descendants down to grandchildren.

The parsha is replete with dramatic moments. However, the brief narrative (Gen. 32:25-29) about Yaakov’s night prior to his first meeting with Esav, offers us a life-changing moment in Yaakov’s life. The narrative of the wrestling match begins in a very peculiar manner. VaYivater Yaakov L’Vado, VaYei’avek Ish Imo Ad Alot HaShachar – Jacob was left alone and a many wrestled with him until the break of dawn.  So if Yaakov was left alone, with whom did he wrestle?  The Torah tells us he wrestled with a man, however by the end of this brief narrative, Yaakov is asking the man(?) to bless him. During the wrestling match, and to add to the confusion the word for “man” is not used neither is Yaakov’s name. Rather the third person masculine singular pronoun “Hu” is used.  The M’forshim also struggle with this brief narrative.  Rashi reminds us of how our sages explain Sh’Hu Saro Shel Eisav – that it was the guardian angel of Esav.  Chizkuni – the 13th-century French commentator succinctly states Malach B’Damut Ish – an angel in the form of a man. Radak, Rabbi David Kimchi – a late 12/early 13th-century French commentator is even more explicit. He offers a single word of explanation as to the “man’s” identity – Melach – an angel. Some say it was the guardian angel of Esav and some say it was an Angel sent to restate God’s promise to Yaakov. However, a more modern and psychologically aware understanding seems that the “man” is Yaakov. Yaakov is struggling with himself. The language of the wrestling match only uses the Hebrew word “Hu” – in English "he". He said, he held on, he didn’t let go, he blessed him, he wrestled with him. Yaakov’s name is only mentioned when his hip is pulled out of joint, when he states his name and when the other being renames Yaakov. Yaakov’s whole life has been a struggle… first with Esav, God, and then Lavan. Before his impending struggle with Esav, Yaakov needs to know who exactly Yaakov is and who he clings to – which aspect of himself does he cling to? The godly aspect within him? The Esav within him? The reality is, Yaakov must decide who He is and what that means as he returns to his ancestral home and receives the covenant.  It will leave a mark for sure, however during his sleepless night, during his “mid-life crisis” and his “moment of clarity”; Yaakov will finally be a complete spiritual person with a full acceptance of his relationship to God and a sense of purpose in his life. This does not mean his life will be easier. It just means that Yaakov, with this renewed sense of purpose and identity, will be able to deal with all the troubles and heartache that is involved in living life as he continues to grow old.

             Of course, I have gray hair. Yes, my beard is turning white. There are more worries, there are more things that feel beyond my control.  There are more times that I worry about the direction of my life and my children's lives. There are more times when I worry about my parent’s health. No, I don’t necessarily have my hip pulled out of joint when we wake up in the middle of the night with this existential angst. Although due to an old back injury; I sometimes wake up with my back pain more acute than at other times.  We do have the emotional scars of such moments. Our souls struggle and sometimes our souls receive scars because of those moments when we question our purpose in life. It probably causes wrinkles and definitely causes gray hair. However those struggles are necessary because it leads us to moments of clarity, and we understand that our lives do have a purpose, and our families will be ok and everything will be all right.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Wade In The Water And Never Get Wet (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Doin' That Rag")

During the winter months, we encourage our son to engage in some kind of Sunday activity, preferably of the physical variety. Whether he took snowboard lessons (which he did two winters ago), or played basketball (several winter seasons ago); we didn’t really care. We just wanted him to be doing something rather than sitting around all day. Our son always enjoyed swimming; this past winter he also grew intrigued by the idea of military operations that dealt with search and rescue missions. Whether the U.S. military or TzaHaL (the Israeli Army); he liked watching and reading about this types of missions. So I wasn’t terribly surprised when he asked to sign up for swim classes that would prepare him for ultimately becoming a life guard through the Canadian Red Cross.  Because of his age, he is still not eligible to sign up for the actual Life Guard course. Undeterred, he decided to take the Pre-Life Guard courses. He completed the Bronze Star and the Bronze Medallion courses. The latter course he finished a couple of weeks before Pesach. Now, in the midst of Pesach and in the middle of his Pesach vacation, our son has been reminding me to sign him up for the next level of Pre-Life Guard courses: Bronze Cross.  When I told him to remind me after Pesach, he grew quite irritated with me. First, he pointed out that I am always reminding him of the Talmud Tractate Kiddushin 29a which and the four obligations a father has in terms of raising a son. One of those obligations is teaching his son to swim (since it might save his life). Impressed that my son had actually listened, I began to answer him. However he quickly cut me off and reminded that nothing would be more appropriate than to sign him up as Pesach drew to an end and we read Shirat HaYam – the story of the Kriyat Yam Suf (the Crossing of the Reed Sea).

The Seventh Day of Pesach, we continued the narrative of the Exodus, and read of the miracle of Kriat Yam Suf (the Crossing of the Reed Sea). Already out of Egypt and now pursued by the Pharoah’s army; B’nai Yisroel finds itself stuck between the proverbial rock and hard place. Before them lies the Reed Sea and behind them is the Egyptian Army and it all of its chariots. These former slaves are panicked and thinking that they are about to die. Moshe, too, appears at wit’s end and, unsure of how to proceed, begins to pray on both his and the people’s behalf. VaYomer HaShem El Moshe -  God says to Moshe  Mah Titzahk Eilai Dabeir El B’nai Yisroel V’Yisau – speak to the Children of Israel and let them journey forth (Ex. 14:15). Eventually, B’nai Yisroel musters enough courage and they cross the sea. Upon their successful arrival to the other side, Moshe and B’nai Yisroel break out into song praising God’s strength, love, and protection.

The Talmudic Sages in the Talmud Sotah 36a credit the great- great- grandson of Judah, Nachshon Ben Aminadav, Aaron’s brother in law, as the first one into the Sea. However, the Sea did not open when Nachshon put his foot into the water. Nor did the sea part when he was knee deep, thigh deep or waist deep into the water. Undeterred, and apparently full of a profound and simple faith in God, Nachshon continued to wade into the water. The water covered his chest, his shoulders, his neck, chin, face and soon he was completely submerged. In the moment he was to sink or float, the waters open up. B’nai Yisroel followed and they made their way across. While the Midrash doesn’t suggest that Nachshon actually swam at all, certainly he was the ultimate lifeguard, risking his life to save B’nai Yisroel from their own spiritual paralysis.

                Nachshon’s courage in the Midrash, teaches a valuable lesson about faith and freedom. No matter the difficulty, no matter the pain, sadness and grief, there is a path across the Yam Suf. That is not to say that we may not be bruised, scarred, or damaged in some way. It only means that crossing our own sea gives us an opportunity for a future. Staying back, remaining paralyzed, succumbing to our fears, guarantees no future and remaining enslaved. Indeed, freedom is all about a sense of tomorrow, the future and possibilities. How could I deny my son’s pleading and his reasoning? I signed him up just before these last days of the Pesach. I signed him up knowing that he doesn’t suffer from any spiritual paralysis. I signed him up knowing that his positive outlook is a manifestation of his deep faith in God and in the words we sang at the Seder table: Dayeinu. Whatever we have in our lives, it is good enough.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

The Holy On Their Knees. The Reckless Are Out Wrecking. The Timid Plead Their Pleas (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Days Between")

Of the 17 students and faculty murdered at the Parkland, Florida school shooting, 5 were Jewish. Four of the five were students and one was a teacher.  Our children noticed that two Jewish fathers, Andrew Pollack and Fred Guttenberg’s responses have been most impactful upon them. Both fathers are devastated, both fathers lost daughters.  It would have understandable had these fathers chose to mourn their devastating loss amid the privacy and the quiet of family and friends. It would have been understandable if these two fathers were too sad, too enraged, too broken, and too full of tears to speak about their daughters or to speak about the need to devise some type of meaningful gun control legislation.  Rather than being overwhelmed and perhaps understandably numbed and paralyzed by their tragic losses, both fathers stood side by side with the high school students.   Both fathers have been outspoken, not only about their grief and their anger but also about making sure that their daughters’ tragic deaths will not become another meaningless, empty hopeless statistic. Both fathers have had confrontations with Senator Marco Rubio of Florida and President Trump criticizing their lack of resolve to stand up to the National Rifle Association (NRA) and the cult of Guns.

  This week’s Torah portion is entitled Ki Tissah. Parsha Ki Tissa is divided into several parts. The first part being the commanded to take a census of the population and collect a half shekel for each person counted. The second part is the final blueprints for the Mishkan, the spices that are to be used, as well as the oil that is to be processed prior to burning. God then designates two men, Betzalel ben Uri from the tribe of Judah and Ahaliav ben Achisamach from the tribe of Dan to be the Master Builder and Designer of this national project. God reiterates the commandment of the Shabbat and reminds Moshe that anyone who violates it will be put to death and his/her soul will be cut off from the people.  The next part B’nai Yisroel commits the sin of the Eigel Zahav (Golden Calf): they built and then worshipped an idol. God wants to wipe out the people but Moshe urges God to reconsider. Moshe then descends the mountain and becomes just as upset as God, and he throws down the Shnei Luchot HaBrit – the Two Tablets of the Covenant. After a day or two when calm has been restored, Moshe re-ascends the mountain in order to pray for national forgiveness. Moshe then has an opportunity to experience another personal revelation even more powerful than the Burning Bush; Moshe has the opportunity to witness God’s passing before him. Dictated by God, Moshe chisels the Aseret Diberot into two new Tablets. He then goes back down the mountain. This time he descends with light and glory of God emanating from him.

During the moment when Moshe re-ascends the mountain seeking forgiveness for the people and Moshe experiences a personal revelation and watched God pass by; God reiterates the covenant.  VaYomer Hinei Anochi Koreit Brit Neged Kol Amcha E’eseh Niflaot Asher Lo Nivre’u V’Chol Ha’Aretz U’VeChol HaGoyim - God said, ‘Behold, I seal a covenant: Before your entire people I shall make distinctions such as have never been created in the entire world and among all the nations.; and the entire people among whom you are will see the work of Hashem – which is awesome - that I am about to do with you. HiShameir Lecha Pen Tichrot Brit L’Yosheiv Ha’Aretz Asher Atah Ba Aleha Pen Yiheyeh L’Mokeish B’Kirbecha- Be vigilant lest you seal a covenant with the inhabitant of the land to which you come, lest it be a snare among you. (Ex. 34:11-12)The lesson of the Eigel Zahav, (the Golden Calf) was that B’nai Yisroel mimicked the indigenous idolatrous people that were living in B’nai Yisroel’s covenanted land.  God reminded Moshe and by association reminded the people that they must not weaken the nature of the covenant. They must not deal with these nations for fear that B’nai Yisroel becomes ensnared (L’Mokeish), trapped, and weakened. How could these idol worshipping nations ensnare B’nai Yisroel? The fact is these nations cannot trap or ensnare B’nai Yisroel unless B’nai Yisroel ceases its vigilance, if they start dealing with these nations, or if they think that peace with these nations will lead to the perpetuation of B’nai Yisroel. From God’s perspective is to remind Moshe that the desire to make peace with those who want to destroy B’nai Yisroel, is not peace but rather will lead to B’nai Yisroel’s destruction.

It takes great courage to stand up for one’s beliefs. It takes even greater courage to confront leaders when standing up for one’s beliefs. Perhaps it takes the most courage and strength to channel that anguish, pain and suffering into the integrity required to prevent a loved one from becoming just another statistic. Each father has passionately confronted elected officials, Senators, Governor and President. Each father passionately and articulately expressed their commonly held belief that society must protect its children from the fires Molech, and the culture of death perpetrated by politicians and the NRA leadership. From these two fathers, our children understood that no matter the sacrifice, every parents’ most primitive inclination is to protect the lives of their children; and if their lives can’t be protected, the next child’s life must be protected.

Peace,

Rav Yitz 

Gonna Scare You Up And Shoot Ya (Robert Hunter & Ron McKernan "Mister Charlie")

Our eldest daughter came home for American Thanksgiving. It was wonderful seeing all of our children sitting together, singing together, laughing together and talking with each other. At one point, our three daughters insisted on having a moment of sister bonding time and took several pictures excluding their younger brother.  While watching our three daughters, now 27,17,15 years of age pose for pictures; I experienced one of my moments of fatherly angst and anxiety. One has left our home, one is about to leave our home, and one, although several years away from leaving home, watches her older sisters and I am sure she can’t wait to get on with chosen path. All three are experiencing some degree of transition. All I can think of are two words: “boys” and “men”.   After hearing about the women who have come forward with allegations of sexual misconduct against Roy Moore (Alabama Senate candidate), Harvey Weinstein (movie producer), Matt Lauer (NBC host of Today Show), Charlie Rose, Al Franken and the President; where are the fathers? Why haven’t I heard a father say anything in support of his daughter? How can a father of daughters look at Roy Moore and cast a vote for him?  I watched my daughters laughing together as they took their pictures and I wondered and worried if I have given them the necessary tools to deal with such boys and men. I wonder if I gave them the necessary tools to fend off such animal behavior if they were accosted. I wonder if I infused within them enough courage, chutzpah, and sense of self that they would tell me if such a thing happened and then, more importantly, go to the authorities, and call out the animal that would have caused them such harm.

This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds and altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s.

            The narrative about Yaakov is interrupted with the disturbing one chapter narrative (chapter 34) about Yaakov’s daughter Dina, her encounter with Shechem the Hivvite, their unholy tryst and the horrible aftermath. The aftermath is horrible for a variety of reasons. The initial incident in which the Torah tells us VaYikach Otah Vayishkav Otah Va’YeANeh’Ha- He [Shechem] took her, lay with her, and violated her [Dinah] is horrible enough for Dina. Dina does not speak. At no point are we told how Dina feels or what she wants. If that’s not troubling enough, Yaakov also remains silent is there a father that, upon hearing such news, would respond with silence?  Jacob’s silence is palatable. First the Torah says: V’ Yaakov Shama Ki TiMei et Dina Vito  U’Vanav Hayu et Mikneihu BaSadeh VHeCherish Yaakov Ad Bo’Am – Now Jacob heard that he had defiled his daughter Dina, while his sons were with his cattle in the field; so Jacob kept silent until their arrival (34:5). When the brothers returned and heard the news about their sister, VaYichar Lahem M’Od – They became very hot with anger. When Shechem and Hamor meet with Jacob and Shimon and Levi proposing marriage, VaYa’Anu V’Nei Yaakov et Shechem v’Et Chamor Aviv B’Mirmah V’Yidabeiru Asher Timei et Dina Achotam – Jacob’s son’s answered Shechem and his father Hamor cleverly and they spoke (because he had defiled their sister Dina). Jacob doesn’t speak. The Torah seems to suggest that Jacob is too upset to speak so the sons respond to Shechem’s proposal of marriage and political alliance between the families. We don’t read about Jacob seeing his daughter, consoling his daughter, even crying and yelling and screaming at her. He is silent. When the perpetrator shows up at his door, Jacob does nothing.  The man that “defiled” his daughter, the man that “violated” his daughter is standing in front him and Dina’s father doesn’t do a thing. His sons speak up for him and in a sense usurp Jacob’s paternal authority. No, this seems like the silence of weakness and timidity. The Yalkut Shimoni, a comprehensive midrashic anthology from the 13th century makes a very simple and powerfully sad insight. Commenting on V’HeCherish Yaakov (Jacob kept silent) – Hada Hu Dichtiv ‘V’Ish Tevunot YaCharish’- It is written there (in Proverbs 11:12) ‘a man of understanding will be silent’. Just as Dina is remarkably and tragically silent, perhaps Jacob’s silence is empathy for his daughter or maybe he is too upset to speak, or maybe he doesn’t know what to do. Certainly, he knew of Shimon and Levi’s plan because at the end of his life he despised them for their response. Maybe Jacob kept silent because he may have felt responsible, or that he failed to protect his daughter. Because the Torah uses the name Yaakov (the name which invokes clinging and therefore weakness) rather than Yisroel (a name that invokes struggling and vanquishing); Yaakov has become too spiritually weak to respond and to negotiate.

            I don’t know what I would do if it were my daughter but silence? I might have been like Bonasera, the mortician from the Godfather, when he said: “For justice, we must go to Don Corleone." Or I would seriously think about purchasing a gun and the shooting the animal that hurt my daughter. As a father, I now can hear the silence of the fathers of all these women who have spoken out against the unacceptable behavior. Perhaps a father’s silence is due to his being complicit in the dynamic. Maybe the silence of these fathers is because they neglected to provide tools for their daughter to deal with this, a strong voice to speak out sooner and louder, or just the quiet support and sustaining love that fathers should provide their daughters so that they are strong and independent people.

Peace,

Rav Yitz