Gonna Scare You Up And Shoot Ya (Robert Hunter & Ron McKernan "Mister Charlie")

Our eldest daughter came home for American Thanksgiving. It was wonderful seeing all of our children sitting together, singing together, laughing together and talking with each other. At one point, our three daughters insisted on having a moment of sister bonding time and took several pictures excluding their younger brother.  While watching our three daughters, now 27,17,15 years of age pose for pictures; I experienced one of my moments of fatherly angst and anxiety. One has left our home, one is about to leave our home, and one, although several years away from leaving home, watches her older sisters and I am sure she can’t wait to get on with chosen path. All three are experiencing some degree of transition. All I can think of are two words: “boys” and “men”.   After hearing about the women who have come forward with allegations of sexual misconduct against Roy Moore (Alabama Senate candidate), Harvey Weinstein (movie producer), Matt Lauer (NBC host of Today Show), Charlie Rose, Al Franken and the President; where are the fathers? Why haven’t I heard a father say anything in support of his daughter? How can a father of daughters look at Roy Moore and cast a vote for him?  I watched my daughters laughing together as they took their pictures and I wondered and worried if I have given them the necessary tools to deal with such boys and men. I wonder if I gave them the necessary tools to fend off such animal behavior if they were accosted. I wonder if I infused within them enough courage, chutzpah, and sense of self that they would tell me if such a thing happened and then, more importantly, go to the authorities, and call out the animal that would have caused them such harm.

This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds and altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s.

            The narrative about Yaakov is interrupted with the disturbing one chapter narrative (chapter 34) about Yaakov’s daughter Dina, her encounter with Shechem the Hivvite, their unholy tryst and the horrible aftermath. The aftermath is horrible for a variety of reasons. The initial incident in which the Torah tells us VaYikach Otah Vayishkav Otah Va’YeANeh’Ha- He [Shechem] took her, lay with her, and violated her [Dinah] is horrible enough for Dina. Dina does not speak. At no point are we told how Dina feels or what she wants. If that’s not troubling enough, Yaakov also remains silent is there a father that, upon hearing such news, would respond with silence?  Jacob’s silence is palatable. First the Torah says: V’ Yaakov Shama Ki TiMei et Dina Vito  U’Vanav Hayu et Mikneihu BaSadeh VHeCherish Yaakov Ad Bo’Am – Now Jacob heard that he had defiled his daughter Dina, while his sons were with his cattle in the field; so Jacob kept silent until their arrival (34:5). When the brothers returned and heard the news about their sister, VaYichar Lahem M’Od – They became very hot with anger. When Shechem and Hamor meet with Jacob and Shimon and Levi proposing marriage, VaYa’Anu V’Nei Yaakov et Shechem v’Et Chamor Aviv B’Mirmah V’Yidabeiru Asher Timei et Dina Achotam – Jacob’s son’s answered Shechem and his father Hamor cleverly and they spoke (because he had defiled their sister Dina). Jacob doesn’t speak. The Torah seems to suggest that Jacob is too upset to speak so the sons respond to Shechem’s proposal of marriage and political alliance between the families. We don’t read about Jacob seeing his daughter, consoling his daughter, even crying and yelling and screaming at her. He is silent. When the perpetrator shows up at his door, Jacob does nothing.  The man that “defiled” his daughter, the man that “violated” his daughter is standing in front him and Dina’s father doesn’t do a thing. His sons speak up for him and in a sense usurp Jacob’s paternal authority. No, this seems like the silence of weakness and timidity. The Yalkut Shimoni, a comprehensive midrashic anthology from the 13th century makes a very simple and powerfully sad insight. Commenting on V’HeCherish Yaakov (Jacob kept silent) – Hada Hu Dichtiv ‘V’Ish Tevunot YaCharish’- It is written there (in Proverbs 11:12) ‘a man of understanding will be silent’. Just as Dina is remarkably and tragically silent, perhaps Jacob’s silence is empathy for his daughter or maybe he is too upset to speak, or maybe he doesn’t know what to do. Certainly, he knew of Shimon and Levi’s plan because at the end of his life he despised them for their response. Maybe Jacob kept silent because he may have felt responsible, or that he failed to protect his daughter. Because the Torah uses the name Yaakov (the name which invokes clinging and therefore weakness) rather than Yisroel (a name that invokes struggling and vanquishing); Yaakov has become too spiritually weak to respond and to negotiate.

            I don’t know what I would do if it were my daughter but silence? I might have been like Bonasera, the mortician from the Godfather, when he said: “For justice, we must go to Don Corleone." Or I would seriously think about purchasing a gun and the shooting the animal that hurt my daughter. As a father, I now can hear the silence of the fathers of all these women who have spoken out against the unacceptable behavior. Perhaps a father’s silence is due to his being complicit in the dynamic. Maybe the silence of these fathers is because they neglected to provide tools for their daughter to deal with this, a strong voice to speak out sooner and louder, or just the quiet support and sustaining love that fathers should provide their daughters so that they are strong and independent people.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Like A Child She Is Pure, She Is Not To Blame (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Help Is On The Way")

As the Harvey Weinstein fall out continues, a resulting social media response focused upon giving voice to victims of sexual harassment. The “#Me-Too” campaign on both Facebook and Twitter, has allowed people who have been the victims of sexual harassment or abuse to “raise their hands”, to speak out without feeling alone, isolated or so ashamed. The #MeToo campaign not only gives voice to victims, but its victims transcend race, religion, social class, and economic standing.  As the #MeToo campaign has continued to unfold, and our daughters have become aware of it discussing it in school and at the dinner table; it’s incredible to think of the names of people being mentioned. Editors of magazines, television personalities, politicians, businessmen and university professors; just about anyone who occupies a position of power, and authority deliberately confused borders and boundaries with those who have little authority and little power to protect those borders and boundaries. The #MeToo campaign has empowered those who had, at one point, been un-empowered.  When  my daughters asked me what I thought of all this, I told them that as a father, I want to be sure to raise strong, independent women, who would never tolerate the harassment and raise their voice in support of those who feel so alone and alienated that they can’t raise their own voice and scream “me too.” Over the course of our discussion, our daughters now understand why  I raise them the way that I do, challenge them the way I do, push them in their studies the way I do, push them to be active in their community, to question and to argue is because I want them to have the emotional and spiritual tools to prevent them from becoming victims. I want them to have the tools to become strong independent women.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, (hospitality). He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.

While the focus of the Parsha deals primarily with Abraham, there is a very disturbing narrative about Lot, Abraham’s nephew, Lot’s daughters, and the destruction of Sodom and Gemorrah. As two of the three messengers leave Abraham, they make their way to Sodom and Gomorrah in order to warn Lot and nine other “tzadikim” righteous inhabitants of the impending destruction.  Just as Abraham demonstrated the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim (Hospitality) to these strangers; Lot also welcomes the strangers into his home and feeds them. The townspeople of Sodom see Lot welcome these strangers and want Lot to send the strangers out to them. Lot, aware that sending out the strangers to the townspeople, would mean trouble for guests; comes up with a very troubling solution. VaYeitze Aleihem Lot HaPetcha V’HaDelet Sagar Acharav- Lot went out to them to the entrance, and shut the door behind him. Va’Yomer Al Nah Achai TaRei’U – And he said, “I beg you, my brothers, do not act wickedly.  Hinei Na Li Sh’tei Vanot Asher Lo Yadu Ish Otziah Na Ethein Aliechem V’Asu La’Hein Ka’Tov B’Eineichem Rok L’Anashim Ha’Eil Al Ta’Asu Davar Ki Al Kein Ba’u B”Tzeil Korati – See, now, I have two daughters who have never known a man. I shall bring them out to you and do to them as you please; but to these men do nothing inasmuch as they have come under the shelter of my roof (Gen. 19:6-8).  Unbelievable! A father offers his own daughters to a crazed mob in an attempt to placate them. The Midrash Tanchuma expresses a deep disturbance with Lot’s behavior: “Said the Holy One Blessed is He to Lot: ‘By your life! It is for yourself that you keep them’ because the end was that the drunken Lot lived with his daughters and they conceived by him.” The victims, the daughters, are just that, victims. They never had a chance to be anything but victims. For the Talmudic Sages of Midrash Tanchuma, the daughters’ plight goes as far back as Lot’s decision to move to Sodom and to be like the people of Sodom. His values were so misplaced and corrupt that it manifest itself with his daughters. So, because he had managed to damage his daughters by offering them to the mob in Sodom, he would constantly be reminded of his behavior and the damage he wrought by the fact that his daughters would use him in an a corrupt and reprehensible deed that will bring forth children whose names serve as mockery to their father: Moab (From father) and Ben-Ammi (Son of My Father). Lot would be the one to live with the shame the rest of his life.

Harvey Weinstein, Bill O’Reilly, Donald Trump and any other man that has power and authority and deals with women have not made it easy being a father of daughters.  These men and people like them have made my daughters’ world a little darker and a little meaner and a little more threatening.  So when the world is a little darker, we teach our daughters to be strong, resolute and vigilant about shining a light on the darkness. When the world is a little meaner we teach our daughters to retain their dignity, their grace, and their sense of Menschlekeit. When the world is a little more threatening we teach our daughters and our sons how to identify and acknowledge  the threat, avoid the threat, make sure that the threat eventually becomes insignificant and harmless, and always be a well- lit sanctuary from the likes of the Sodom and Gomorrah out there.

Peace,

Rav Yitz