All This Favour Ended When My Brother Failed At War - (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "My Brother Esau")

           Being American, Thanksgiving was always a big deal in my family. There were numerous family traditions and foods that were associated with the day. One of the traditions established by my mother occurred during the meal. We would go around the table and offer our reason for being thankful. Usually, the reasons focused on health and family. However this year I am more acutely aware of what or more importantly for whom I am not thankful. I am not thankful for Elon Musk and his decision to reinstate Donald Trump on Twitter. However, I am thankful for all those employees of Twitter who continue to quit and hopefully, the company will be utterly ruined and fall into the dust heap of history. If you go on Twitter, you will find a cesspool of hate ignorance, intolerance a  sewage system of conspiracy theories, and a public square inhabited by loud people who crave attention, speak in hyperbole, and pander in fear and hatred. 

          This week’s Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – is a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. Yaakov is concerned with the Birthright, receiving blessings, and the spiritual world. Esav is concerned with eating, drinking, hunting, and the physical world. We learn that just like his father, Avraham, who experienced a famine in the land, Yitzchak also experienced a famine in the land. Unlike his father, Yitzchak does not go down to Egypt. Yitzchak remains, grows wealthy, and re-opens the wells that had gone dry in his father’s day. The narrative then re-focuses on Yitzchak and his family. Yitzchak, sensing his imminent death, wants to bless Esav. Rivka overhears this and tells Yaakov to pose as Esav in order to receive the blessing. Yaakov listens to his mother and dresses as Esav. Yaakov receives Yitzchak’s blessing. As a result, Esav is fit to be tied and threatens to kill Yaakov.

        When Esav turned 40, he got married. As different as the boys were before this, Esav’s marriages reflect his further spiritual diminishment from his mother and father. Esav’s association with these women brings out the worst in him. Va’Yehi Eisav Ben Arbaim Shanah VaYikach Isha et Y’hudit Bat B’Eiri HaChiti V’et Basmat Bat Eilon Ha’Chiti – When Esav was forty years old, he took as a wife Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. Va’Tiheyenah Morat Ruach L’Yitzchak U’l’Rivkah – and they were a source of spiritual bitterness for Yitzchak and Rivka (Gen.26:24). There is a Midrash that tells us that once a species of bird migrated to Eretz Yisrael. The Rabbis were unable to determine whether this new specie was kosher or treif. Rabbi Chiya, the leading scholar of his day, said, “Isolate one on the roof and see what kind of birds associate with it.” Immediately a raven (which is not kosher) joined the new bird. The Rabbis were able to finally determine that the new species of bird was not kosher. The same was true with regard to Esav when he married both women. They brought out the worst in him, whether it was Avodah Zarah – idolatry, or degrading himself to such a point that he did not warrant receiving the blessing. Of even greater concern to Rivkah and Yitzchak was the departure of the Divine Presence. Remember that when Yitzchak’s mother, Sarah, died, the light in her tent, the holy presence diminished. When Yitzchak married Rivka, the holy presence returned to Sarah’s tent. However, when Esav’s wives became part of Yitzchak’s household, this holy light was vanquished.

          Yes, there was a brief moment when Twitter was first created when its potential was evaluated through the prism of the best of human nature. When children are young, we tend to see their future as positive, full of potential, and as a source of joy and pride (nachas) to the parents. At that moment we are completely thankful. However, the children grow up and follow their paths, and perhaps a parent’s optimism, hopes, and dreams gradually diminish and are replaced with the realization that the child has become the worst possible version of him/herself. That is what happened to Esav. That also holds for any new endeavor or product or service. Twitter came into the world and was hailed as a place for the civilized exchange of ideas, and the instant transmission of information. Sadly it did not take long for Twitter to grow up and become the worst possible version of itself, a place that attracts misinformation, conspiracy, hatred, racism, antisemitism, and fear. Maybe all those who left Elon Musk can form a version of Twitter that fulfills the best possible version of itself and become like Yaakov as opposed to Esav.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

One Step Done And Another Begun, In I Wonder How Many Miles (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "New Speedway Boogie"

           A few days ago I conducted a funeral. While meeting with the family prior to the Levayah (funeral), I was asked if I believed that people can change. Certainly, Judaism is pretty clear about the possibility of change. Because Judaism is behaviorally based and not dogmatically based, we believe that if the behavior changes, then ultimately the individual will change. Among the most prevalent themes of the Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) is the notion that we are capable of changing our behavior, changing ourselves, improving ourselves, and becoming better versions of ourselves. Certainly, I want to believe that, and as a Rabbi that is my first response. However, I don’t think it is so simple. Changing a personality, changing who we are, changing our core seems a rather daunting task. Several years ago, a book by Stephen Guise entitled Mini Habits: Smaller Habits Bigger Result appeared. Guise’s theory, based upon Lao Tzu’s famous pearl of wisdom “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a small step”, begins with the brutally realistic view of human nature. Guise explains that change is predicated upon two ingredients: intention and over-estimating competence. Big intentions and big ambitions are worthless if they don’t bring results. The lack of intended result harms and defeats the person and then he/she will eventually stop the process. The Dunning-Kruger effect is a cognitive bias that people generally overestimate their competencies. For Guise, this means that “self-control” ought to be considered as “competency” and, in general, we think we have much more self-control than we really do. This unrealistic evaluation of our self-control also contributes to our inability to change.

          This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion, Yaakov’s wrestling match, and his name change the night before the reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds an altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel, even though his name was changed prior to the reunion. Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally, we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s. 

          Yaakov’s trepidation prior to his reunion with his brother stems from the one unanswered question. Has Esav really changed? Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav.  VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). Certainly, at first blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly, it appears that the decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother.  It appears that Esav has changed. The plain meaning of the text suggests this. However, in the plain text, the simple meaning is focused upon behavior, upon the margins, and not at the core. Imagine not seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach; the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault instead of a loving embrace? What happens when the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”?  All these questions were cause for Yaakov’s trepidation. One thing is clear, however, the narrative concludes with Esav expressing a desire to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggests that some of his armed men should escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion), Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my Lord’s eyes. VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah So Esav started back that day on his way toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah - but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen. 33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. They don’t hug and kiss each other goodbye, or at least the Torah text doesn’t tell us that they hugged and kissed each other goodbye. Rather there is an offer by Esav to take Yaakov to Seir. Maybe Esav was attempting to be nice,  or perhaps he was trying to lull Yaakov into a trap and planned to wipe out Yaakov and his family later.  Yaakov understood that while his brother’s outward behavior may have changed, it was more realistic to assume that at Esav’s core, big brother Esav hadn’t changed at all. For the sake of the future safety of his family, Yaakov was best served by staying as far away as possible from his brother. 

            Yes, at first blush it was so easy for Yaakov and Esav to hug and kiss each other, to weep together.  Over the course of twenty years, maybe each had marginally softened, perhaps they had become better versions, more honest versions of themselves. However, at their respective cores, Yaakov, ever the spiritual clinger now grasps firmly to Hashem. This is worthy of a new name or an additional name: Israel.  Esav, ever the hunter, would wait for his prey to grow careless then go in for the kill. There is nothing in the text to suggest that Esav is capable of introspection. He hunts. His viewpoint is always external,  focused upon his prey. At the core, he is who is. So do people change? It seems that change is only possible if they are brutally honest and are inclined to embrace the effort required to engage in mini habits with an eye towards big results.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

Esau Holds A Blessing, Brother Esau Holds A Curse; I Would Say That The Blame Is Mine, I Suspect It's Something Worse (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "Brother Esau")

           At age 17, our son is a bit of an idealist. Like so many of his generation, he deals in absolutes. People are good or bad. I try to explain to him that people do good things or bad things.  He also discovered “Classic Rock”. Earlier this week he asked me to listen to a song called “American Pie”. Before he had a chance to play the song for me, I told him who wrote and performed it, the year the song was released, and what the song was about. I also told him that the artist was an abusive husband, and convicted of several misdemeanor domestic abuse charges. My son was shocked. First, he was shocked that his old father actually knew the song. Second, he was now upset to find out that a person who had done some pretty awful things, created such an iconic song. I challenged him by suggesting that perhaps we should not listen to the song anymore. He hesitated because he like the song. I suggested that he read the New York Times Op-Ed by Jennifer Finney Boylan’s “Should Classic Rock Songs Be Toppled Like Confederate Statues” (NY Times Nov 3, 2021). She does what Judaism has always done, acknowledge deeds because people are complex. 

          This week, we read from Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any more different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. Yaakov is concerned with the Birthright, receiving the covenantal blessing, and the spiritual world. Esav is concerned with eating, drinking, hunting, and the physical world. We learn that just like his father, Avraham, who experienced a famine in the land, Yitzchak also experienced a famine in the land. Unlike his father, Yitzchak does not go down to Egypt. Yitzchak remains in the land, grows wealthy, and re-opens the wells that had gone dry in his father’s day. The narrative then re-focuses upon Yitzchak and his family. Yitzchak, sensing his imminent death, wants to bless Esav. Rivka overhears this and tells Yaakov to pose as Esav in order to receive the blessing. Yaakov listens to his mother and dresses as Esav. Yaakov receives Yitzchak’s blessing. As a result, Esav is fit to be tied and threatens to kill Yaakov. The Parsha concludes with Rivka telling Jacob to go to her brother’s home, convincing Yitzchak that Yaakov needs to leave home in order to find a wife. Yaakov receives his father’s blessing, the blessing of the Brit, the Covenant that God made with Avraham and Yitzchak, a blessing that was never intended for Esav.  Yaakov leaves home and Esav moves away as well. He decides to dwell with his uncle Ishmael among the Canaanites.

           The Torah never tells us that Esav is a bad son. Instead, some of his deeds are described in a less than positive light.  Yes, he sells his birthright to his brother because he is “starving to death”.  He marries the wrong girl from the wrong tribe which upsets his parents. However, we should keep in mind he fulfills his father’s request in order to receive his blessing. In fact, the ChaZaL, the Talmudic Sages, ascribe the mitzvah of Kibud Av,  respecting the father, to Esav.  Frequently, Esav would cook and care for his father. Clearly, he was very close to Yitzchak. So when Esav doesn’t receive the blessing: KiShma Esav et Divrei Aviv Yitzchak Tzaaka Gedola U’Mara Ad M’Ode; VaYomer L’Aviv Barcheini Gam Ani Avi When Esav heard his father’s words, he cried out an exceedingly great and bitter cry, and said to his father, “Bless me to my Father” (27:34). Four verses later, when it appears that Yitzchak doesn’t have a blessing in reserve for Esav: VaYomer Esav El Aviv HaBracha Achat Hee Lecha Avi, Barcheini Gam Ani Avi VaYisah Esav Kolo VaYeivk – Esav said to his father, “have you but one blessing, my Father? Bless me too my father!” and Esav raised his voice and wept (27:38).  After this big strong strapping sort of man finished crying he then vowed to kill his brother.  For a moment at least, Esav appears sympathetic, his cry is “exceedingly great”; he “raises his voice and weeps”.  What did these cries sound like? After all, not all cries sound the same. Was it the type of cry when one has suffered a sudden loss? Was it the cry of someone who just broke a bone? Was it the cry upon hearing the news of a loved one? Was it the cry of being at the end of one’s emotional rope and feeling helpless in the face of life’s onslaught? The Meforshim (the commentators) are oddly silent about the nature of the “Tzaak Gedola UMara- the great and bitter cry. Perhaps the silence suggests that Esav’s response is legitimately reasonable. Maybe the silence suggests that Esav’s crying is so out of character from the way he has behaved up until this point. Perhaps Esav is changed after the second cry. Regarding the VaYisah Esav Kolo VaYeivk Esav raised his voice and wept;” the Midrash Tanchuma comments that Esav wept only three tears. One from each eye and one that disappeared in the midst of his eye. When God saw that the “wicked one wept over his life only 3 tears”, that small limited moment demonstrated the smallest of regret over the what his life had become and might very well be in the future. For this tiny moment, for this humane cry, God made sure that Esav received a blessing. Maybe not the one that Yaakov received, but this minimal blessing reflects the minimal nature of the crying, weeping.

           Indeed, Esav did some bad things. Time and time again, the Torah records Esav’s deeds. Describing Esav as a hunter doesn’t make him bad. Selling his birthright doesn’t make him bad. Even when distraught over the loss of the blessing, he leaves his parents and goes to his uncle Ishmael and marries the Canaanite woman, the Torah never expresses its disapproval. Only Esav's mother,  Rivkah indicates her disapproval. Only the generations after Yaakov,  the generations living under Roman rule beginning with the Talmudic Sages evaluated Esav’s deeds and categorized him as “bad” as “evil”; all but dismissing his expression of  Kibud Av (respect and reverence for one’s father). Certainly,  Esav is not worthy of receiving the covenantal blessing. Does that mean he is unworthy of receiving a blessing? Is he unworthy of his father’s love even if that love is conditional?. As our son listened to the “American Pie” several more times, he began to understand that the works or the deeds of a person stand alone.  Even more important, he realized the limitations of looking at the world in terms of  “black” and ‘white” and evaluating a  person as either “good” or “bad”. Suddenly, he understood that life has far more gray and people are far more complex. It seems our son is growing up.

Peace,
Rav Yitz 

The More My Brother Looks Like Me The Less I Understand (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "My Brother Esau")

 

          Well, it's official. The "Transition" formally began, and for the first time, President-Elect Biden received the PDB (the President's Daily Intelligence Briefing). Does this mean that Trump finally changed his mind about who won and who lost? Does this mean that during Thanksgiving dinner with his family, Trump decided it was time to treat the President-Elect with the same respect and offer the same access to information that he received when he was the President-Elect four very long years ago.  Does this mean that Trump graciously accepted defeat, and for the good of the country, will move on? Does this mean that he will stop sowing doubt about the integrity of the election and democratic norms and institutions? Does this mean that Trump will give a concessions speech and tell his followers to accept the result? My 18-year-old daughter living in Israel has two British roommates and when we speak with her, she will frequently take on a British accent and use British slang. Her response to these questions is rather succinct: "Not bloody likely",  My children incredulously remind me that we are talking about a 74-year-old man who never grew up, never learned how to fight fair, win graciously, and not behave like a sore loser. My eldest daughter reminded me that would deem any child that behaved like Trump has been behaving since the election as a spoiled brat. She quickly added that at least in the case of the child, there is still the possibility that the child would grow up and cease being a spoiled brat. Changing a personality, changing who we are, changing our core seems a rather daunting task. Several years ago, a book by Stephen Guise entitled Mini Habits: Smaller Habits Bigger Results appeared. Guise's theory is based upon Lao Tzu’s famous pearl of wisdom “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a small step”, and begins with the brutally realistic view of human nature. Guise explains change is predicated upon two ingredients: intention and overestimating competence. Big intentions and big ambitions are worthless if they don’t bring results. The lack of intended result harms and defeats the person and then he/she will eventually stop the process. Guise explains that one enormous obstacle is The Dunning-Kruger effect.  This is the cognitive bias that people generally overestimate their competencies. A person thinks that he is the smartest, has the biggest brain, or the nicest.  Since change is predicated on "self-control", Guise,  explains that usually, a person assumes more self-control, not less. and as a result of this unrealistic evaluation of our self-control and our lack of humility regarding strengths and weakness, we inadvertently place obstacles that contribute to our inability to change.

          This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds an altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally, we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s. 

          Yaakov’s trepidation prior to his reunion with his brother stems from the one unanswered question. Has Esav really changed? Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav.  VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). At first blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly, it appears that the decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother. Perhaps Esav truly changed. The plain meaning of the text suggests this. However, the text's simple meaning also appears focused upon superficial behavior, manners, social etiquette, and not upon motivation and the individual's core behaviour and instinct. Imagine not seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach; the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault instead of a loving embrace? While worrying about the hug, what happens when the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”? Is this a “kinder and gentler” Esav, or the same Esav that has been angry since the blessing and birthright “incidents”. Perhaps all these questions justify Yaakov’s trepidation during this reunion.  

          One thing is clear, after this apparently emotional reunion, Esav wants to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggests that some of his armed men should escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion)? Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my lord's eyes. VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah So Esav started back that day on his way toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah - but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen. 33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. The Torah does say whether they hugged and kissed goodbye. Rather, Esav offers to take Yaakov to Seir.  Perhaps Esav thought he was being nice. Perhaps he was trying to lull Yaakov into a trap and only to wipe out Yaakov and his family later.  Yaakov understood that while his brother’s outward behavior, his social etiquette may have changed, it was more realistic to assume that at his core, big brother Esav hadn’t changed at all, For the sake of his family's future, Yaakov felt it best to keep as far away as possible. 

           Yes, social etiquette, manners, and perhaps even strategy demanded that Yaakov and Esav hug, kiss, and even weep together, Perhaps, over the course of twenty years, each had marginally softened and mellowed. Perhaps each had become more mature and better versions of themselves. Yaakov's new name Israel and his limp suggests that he is not the same scheming Yaakov that he was all those years before. He is somehow different. However, there is nothing in the Torah that suggests that Esav has acquired the ability and the skills necessary for introspection. He remains a hunter, his focus is upon his prey, not himself. At the core, each mans is who he is. So do people change? Well, it seems that change is only possible if a person is humble about personal is brutally honest with oneself and capable of introspection and humility, doesn't overestimate strengths, and acknowledges and understands his/her weaknesses. Then the person must be inclined to embrace the effort to engage in mini habits with an eye towards big results. However, if a person never put forth an effort, always received whatever they asked for, never had to contend with failure and loss, do we really expect a person to change?

Peace,

Rav Yitz

The More My Brother Looks Like Me The Less I Understand (John Barlow & Bob Weir- "My Brother Esau")

           With her candidate’s campaign now complete, our daughter needed a rest. When we spoke about her post-campaign plans, I suggested that a two-week quarantine with unlimited wifi, meals served, no chores, access to exercise equipment, cable television, free laundry, and a coffee maker might permit her to relax, catch up on some sleep, as well as her friends. All the while she could professionally network.  By the time her quarantine would end, she could celebrate her birthday and celebrate U.S. Thanksgiving. For our son, his eldest sister’s presence would mean that he wouldn’t be the only child home while we celebrated American Thanksgiving. So, with an opportunity to quarantine, relax, and celebrate her birthday and Thanksgiving with at least one of her siblings,  our eldest daughter arrived home. Thankfully she feels fine.  During her quarantine, our other daughters, (University of Maryland and Israel) have called the two siblings who are here in Toronto. They have had several Whatsapp group video calls. We, the parents,  love watching the four of them speak together or video chat together. As I watch them and listen, I am amazed by their similarities and their differences. I am always amazed that these four nearly adult children who grew up in the same are four different personalities and different perspectives on the world. 

          This week, we read from Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any more different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. Yaakov is concerned with the Birthright, receiving blessings, and the spiritual world. Esav is concerned with eating, drinking, hunting, and the physical world. We learn that just like his father who experienced a famine in the land, Yitzchak also experienced a famine in the land. Unlike his father, Yitzchak doesn’t depart from the land but rather remains there, growing wealthy. Instead, Yitzchak re-opens the wells that had gone dry in his father’s day. The narrative then re-focuses upon Yitzchak and his family. Yitzchak, sensing his imminent death, wants to bless Esav. Rivka overhears this and tells Yaakov to pose as Esav in order to receive the blessing. Yaakov listens to his mother and dresses as Esav. Yaakov receives Yitzchak’s blessing. Esav discovers that he lost out on the blessing and he threatens to kill Yaakov. The Parsha concludes with Rivka telling Jacob to go to her brother’s home. She explains to  Yitzchak that Yaakov needs to leave home in order to find a wife. Prior to his departure, Yitzchak wants to bless Yitzchak.  So, prior to his departure Yaakov receives his the blessing of the Brit, the Covenant that God made with Avraham and Yitzchak. This covenantal blessing was never intended for Esav.  Yaakov leaves home. Esav moves away as well and decides to dwell with his uncle Ishmael among the Canaanites.

Two boys grew up in the same home with the same parents and instilled with the same values, went to the same day school, participated in the same extracurricular activities, and shared the same Bar Mitzvah date. Although the parents disagreed as to who was going to be “successful”; by the end of the Parsha, it is quite clear that the blessing that Yitzchak gave Yaakov prior to Yaakov’s departure was always intended for Yaakov. So to some extent, both parents agreed as to who was the rightful inheritor of the Abrahamic Covenant. Right or wrong, the parents had definite opinions about their sons’, their abilities, and their future success.  Much of that opinion is based upon how each child responds to life’s stimuli. The Torah doesn’t really tell us much about their respective youth, Va’Yigdalu HaN’Arim, “And the boys grew up.” (Gen25: 27) R’ Levi said: At first they were like myrtle and a wild rose growing side by side. But when they grew up the former yielded to its natural fragrance, and the latter its thorns. So, for the first thirteen years, both Yaakov and Esav went to school and came home from school. But at the end of thirteen years, one went to houses of study and the other to shrines of idolatry.” (Genesis Rabbah 63:10). The Sifsei Chachamim clarifies that until their Bar Mitzvah, they were nearly identical. However, after their Bar Mitzvah, essential differences became evident. By the time they reached Bar Mitzvah, they now can begin to formulate their own opinions, develop their own attitudes, respond to their likes and dislikes. By the time the boys reach Bar Mitzvah, the parents can see a personality develop and take root. 

          As parents, we always think our perceptions of our children are the best indicators of an outcome.  However, it would appear that parents’ perceptions are not always based upon the context at the time but rather upon an ideal. From Yitzchak’s perspective Esav was a fine son, and worthy of a blessing because he meticulously fulfilled the value of Kibud Av – Respecting the father.  However, as meticulous as Esav was about that particular value, it did not make him fit for The Covenantal  Blessing. Children grow up in the same home but they respond to the stimuli differently, they have different interests, passions, and experiences outside the home which also influence, shape, and stimulate. As parents, perhaps all we can do is leave our arms, homes, and minds open to our children, praising them when they work hard at becoming the best possible version of themselves, and kvelling when they accomplish this.

Peace, 

Rav Yitz 

Shadow boxing the apocalypse yet again, yet again. Shadow boxing the apocalypse, and wandering the land. (John Barlow & Bob Weir "My Brother Esau")

While our daughters were home for Thanksgiving, their friends came by to visit and we discussed Jewish life and anti- Semitism on college/university campuses. I especially wanted our grade 12 daughter to listen and be a part of the discussion since she is in the process of applying to universities both in Ontario and in the North East U.S. One friend of our 19-year-old daughter’s friends is an observant woman and only wears skirts. She attends a university in Toronto. The friend explained that while she is aware of the institutional anti-Semitism and the BDS campaigns; because she doesn’t live on campus, it doesn’t feel as acute.  Far more troubling has been the anti-Semitism she has encountered on an individual basis. She explained that her lab partner is an observant Muslim. The friend explained that she and the lab partner seemed to get along as both were very respectful of issues of religion, and they shared a common concern about an over-emphasis upon the secular. Well, when the young Muslim woman noticed a pro-Israel sticker on our daughter’s friend’s computer; the Muslim woman refused to work with our daughter’s friend. Eventually, she switched out of the lab and now our daughter’s friend no longer has a lab partner. When she does see her former lab partner; she receives no acknowledgment, and the former lab partner won’t speak to her nor acknowledge her existence.

This week we read from Parsha VaYishlach. We read Yaakov’s preparation for the reunion with his brother Esav. We read about Yaakov’s wrestling match. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds an altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally, we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s descendants and the princes of Edom.

Yaakov’s trepidation prior to his reunion with his brother stems from the one unanswered question. “Does my brother still wish to kill me”? “What can I do to prevent Esav from killing me and wiping out my family?” Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav.  VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4).  The plain meaning suggests Esav has forgiven his brother. The plain meaning suggests that nearly two decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother and he no longer desires to harm his younger brother. Esav embraces his brother and kisses him. Yet questions about Esav and his attitudes toward his brother remain. Esav’s actions: the embrace, the kiss, even the manner in which he ran towards Yaakov and “fell upon him” could be easily interpreted as something far more disturbing even ominous for Yaakov and his family. There are four dots that appear in the Torah text above the word VaYishahkeihu – And he kissed him. What do the dots indicate? Is there a difference between the embrace when there is genuine affection as opposed to an embrace when there still a deep-seated animosity? As early as the late 2^nd century, R’ Shimon ben Eliezer, in B’reishit Rabba (The Talmudic Sages’ commentary on the TaNaCh) explained that VaYishaKiehu with the letter Kuf means “kiss”. However, if the dot above that letter suggests that the letter ought to be a Kaf,  then “he kissed him”, would mean “and he bit him”. Whereupon, Yaakov’s neck turned to marble and thus preventing Esav from biting Yaakov’s neck. An 8^th/9^th century text, the Midrash Tanchuma, explains the approach, kiss, and tears in a more ominous manner. Esau should be compared to a wolf that sought to bite Yaakov. When Yaakov’s neck turned to marble, Esav’s teeth “were set on edge”. Both men cried but for different reasons.  Esav was frustrated because he will have to wait for another opportunity to kill his brother, and Yaakov cried because he understands that he would always remain on ready in case of another attack.

For the Rabbinic Sages, Esav, and his tribe Edom came to symbolize Rome. When Rome became Christian, that symbolism became more poignant. As the Church became more anti-Semitic throughout the first and second millennia, Yaakov and his descendants, the Jewish people, had to remain vigilant about the anti-Semitism that originated from his brother. With the rise of political extremism on both the political left and the political, Jews have to remain vigilant. These displays of anti-Semitism from either extreme whether it is supporting BDS speakers and policies or white nationalist pro-fascist speakers and policies, both are easy to identify on a university/college campus.  For our 12^th grade daughter, it is reason enough not to apply to such an institution. However, what is more difficult, and perhaps more hurtful on a personal level, is the antisemitism encountered on an individual and personal basis as manifested in our daughter’s friend’s experience. When asked about this type of anti-Semitism, our 12^th grade daughter explained that she expects to encounter that type of anti-Semitism. However she is thoughtful enough to understand and see the distinction between individuals and institutions. To her credit, she like Jacob, understood that she would have to deal with that type of anti-Semitism on a contextual case by case basis.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Wonder Who Will Water All The Children Of The Garden (Robert Hunter, Phil Lesh & Jerry Garcia "St. Stephen -William Tell Bridge")

          Our family gathered together to celebrate American Thanksgiving and our eldest daughter’s birthday. Seeing my parents and all of our children celebrating a birthday and Thanksgiving, I couldn’t help but have a sense of Thankfulness. I also sensed the inevitable squeeze of being the middle generation. My parents are still healthy, still independent but aging with all the inconveniences of aging. Our children are healthy, engaged in their age-appropriate endeavors: high school studies and activities, university studies and activities and moving along a career path in her chosen field. As a result, I worry about their continued education, their life choices, and helping them when necessary. I watch my parents and my children interact, and I am deeply appreciative that our children are blessed with three grandparents with whom they enjoy an incredibly close and meaningful relationship. As our children listen to stories told to them by their grandparents, our children notice my father’s mannerisms and his expressions. My children comment on how similar I am to their grandfather. My father and I laugh invoking the words of Mel Brooks’ Two Thousand Year Old Man: “We mock the things we are to be.” Apparently, on their grandfather, these mannerisms and use of language, and philosophy on life are appealing, cute and endearing. On their father, these mannerisms, use of language, and philosophy of life are unappealing and annoying.
          This week, we read from Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any more different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. Yaakov is concerned with the Birthright, receiving blessings and the spiritual world. Esav is concerned with eating, drinking, hunting, and the physical world. We learn that just like his father, Avraham, who experienced a famine in the land, Yitzchak also experienced a famine in the land. Unlike his father, Yitzchak does not go down to Egypt. Yitzchak remains in the land, grows wealthy, and re-opens the wells that had gone dry in his father’s day. The narrative then re-focuses upon Yitzchak and his family. Yitzchak, sensing his imminent death, wants to bless Esav. Rivka overhears this and tells Yaakov to pose as Esav in order to receive the blessing. Yaakov listens to his mother and dresses as Esav. Yaakov receives Yitzchak’s blessing. As a result, Esav is fit to be tied and threatens to kill Yaakov. The Parsha concludes with Rivka telling Jacob to go to her brother’s home, convincing Yitzchak that Yaakov needs to leave home in order to find a wife. Yaakov receives his fathers’ blessing, the blessing of the Brit, the Covenant that God made with Avraham and Yitzchak, a blessing that was never intended for Esav. Yaakov leaves home and Esav moves away as well. He decides to dwell with his uncle Ishmael among the Canaanites.
          The Parsha begins with a common sort of phrase but contains within it a rather unexpected twist. The common phrase is Eila Toldot so and so. Whenever the Torah wants to begin presenting a genealogy; it begins with Eilah Toldot (These are the generations). We expect to see a list of children. However, this week’s Parsha begins, Eilah Toldot Yitzchak ben Avraham, Avraham Holid Yitzchak – These are the generations of Isaac son of Avraham; Avraham sired Isaac Gen 25:19). Given the end of the verse, the beginning of the verse should have said These are the generations of Avraham, Avraham sired Isaac. Why does the Torah remind us that Avraham is Yitzchak’s father? The Midrash Tanchuma is compelled to respond to the rumors questioning Isaac’s origins. Recalling that Sarah had been taken by Abimelech (Gen. 20:1-17), questions about Isaac’s origins persisted. Naysayers and conspiracy theorists cite Avraham’s behavior regarding the Akeidah as evidence supporting the rumor and conspiracy. Avraham needed to be told which son was to be offered. The Midrash Tanchuma explains that Isaac’s features were identical to Avraham’s features. Even in the previous Parsha, Chayei Sarah, Avraham was described as “old” immediately prior to his death. The Midrash explains that until Avraham, there was no such thing as old age. However, Avraham asked that he have the z'chut (the merit) of showing his age because he and Isaac looked so similar and their mannerisms were so similar. The Chatam Sofer (18th century Bratslav) offers an alternative understanding to that of Midrash Tanchuma. In his comment about the phrase: “Avraham sired Yitzchak”, The ChatamSofer suggests that the phrase alludes to the profound sense of fulfillment that Avraham derived from his son. Eventually, Avraham no longer desired to be known as Avraham. Instead, he received Nachas, (a mixture of pride and joy) being known as Yitzchak’s father and Jacob and Esau’s grandfather.
          Avraham had reached a point in his life where his focus was all about his legacy, his son and grandchildren. For Yitzchak, who looked so similar to his father, and whose mannerisms were so similar to his father, people couldn’t help but think that Yitzchak embodied so much of his father’s values and personal philosophy. Yitzchak must be the rightful inheritor of Avraham’s covenant with God. What follows from this opening verse focuses our attention as to who from the next generation will inherit this covenant. The answer is Avraham. Whichever of Yitzchak’s children embody Avraham, he will be the recipient of the covenant. No, I don’t look upon my children and think that only one is worthy of a covenant. Rather, as my children roll their eyes because they see and hear my father in me, indeed, I have been the beneficiary of my father’s Torah. As they continued to comment and lovingly tease me, I smile to my father and remind my children the words of Mel Brook’s “We mock the things we are to be”. I only hope that the “to be” that they mock are the good qualities that I received from my parents, and the good qualities my wife received from her parents.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

And So I Wrestle With The Angel To See Who'll Reap The Seeds I Sow (Gerrit Graham & Bob Weir - "Victim Or The Crime")

Like so many American families, we celebrated Thanksgiving. We packed up and drove to my parents’ home. Our eldest daughter who had been working in Florida until the recent midterm elections came, my sister brother in law and niece came.  Our daughter studying in Israel made Thanksgiving and we all had the chance to video chat with her. The last time that I saw our eldest daughter was in June when she came for her sister and brother’s graduation. Certainly, we had video chatted. Let’s just say a video chat doesn’t exactly offer a complete picture. So when she took one look at my completely gray beard, my salt and pepper head of hair, she hugged and kissed me and said. “You are so old! What happened to you?” Like the crows feet around my eyes, I attributed all the gray hair and white beard to the existential angst of fatherhood. For me, existential angst usually occurs in the middle of the night. It wakes me up, I go downstairs, I look outside at the night sky full of stars I think and worry. I worry about life, death, the quality of life and the quality of death, what am I doing with my life, how am I going to pay for Jewish day school, college, and weddings. I worry about my aging parents, my aging mother in law. I worry about my wife worrying about her aging mother. I explain to my eldest daughter that I wake up in the middle of the night and worry about all the stuff that a middle-aged person wrestles with.” While I normally sleep quite soundlessly, every so often I am wake up to wrestle with all my existential angst and worries.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Vayishlach. Yaakov and his family prepare to return to Yaakov’s home. However, they will first need to deal with an almost twenty-year grudge held by Esav. Yaakov will hope for the best and prepare for the worst as he prepares to meet his brother.  After their short reunion, Yaakov makes his way back to his ancestral lands. His mother passes away. He is blessed with another son, Benjamin, born to his wife Rachel. However, she dies in childbirth. His daughter, Dinah, has an illicit relationship with a prince of Shechem. According to the text, she is rendered “impure” and her brothers wipe out the prince and his village. Yaakov’s name is changed to Yisroel. God blessed Yaakov within the context of the covenant made with Avraham and Yitzchok. Yaakov’s blessing includes children, land and wealth, all of the things that God promised to Yaakov’s grandfather – Avraham. The Parsha concludes Yaakov and Esav seeing each other one last time in order to bury their father Yitzchok, and then we read the final psukim: a list of Esav’s descendants down to grandchildren.

The parsha is replete with dramatic moments. However, the brief narrative (Gen. 32:25-29) about Yaakov’s night prior to his first meeting with Esav, offers us a life-changing moment in Yaakov’s life. The narrative of the wrestling match begins in a very peculiar manner. VaYivater Yaakov L’Vado, VaYei’avek Ish Imo Ad Alot HaShachar – Jacob was left alone and a many wrestled with him until the break of dawn.  So if Yaakov was left alone, with whom did he wrestle?  The Torah tells us he wrestled with a man, however by the end of this brief narrative, Yaakov is asking the man(?) to bless him. During the wrestling match, and to add to the confusion the word for “man” is not used neither is Yaakov’s name. Rather the third person masculine singular pronoun “Hu” is used.  The M’forshim also struggle with this brief narrative.  Rashi reminds us of how our sages explain Sh’Hu Saro Shel Eisav – that it was the guardian angel of Esav.  Chizkuni – the 13th-century French commentator succinctly states Malach B’Damut Ish – an angel in the form of a man. Radak, Rabbi David Kimchi – a late 12/early 13th-century French commentator is even more explicit. He offers a single word of explanation as to the “man’s” identity – Melach – an angel. Some say it was the guardian angel of Esav and some say it was an Angel sent to restate God’s promise to Yaakov. However, a more modern and psychologically aware understanding seems that the “man” is Yaakov. Yaakov is struggling with himself. The language of the wrestling match only uses the Hebrew word “Hu” – in English "he". He said, he held on, he didn’t let go, he blessed him, he wrestled with him. Yaakov’s name is only mentioned when his hip is pulled out of joint, when he states his name and when the other being renames Yaakov. Yaakov’s whole life has been a struggle… first with Esav, God, and then Lavan. Before his impending struggle with Esav, Yaakov needs to know who exactly Yaakov is and who he clings to – which aspect of himself does he cling to? The godly aspect within him? The Esav within him? The reality is, Yaakov must decide who He is and what that means as he returns to his ancestral home and receives the covenant.  It will leave a mark for sure, however during his sleepless night, during his “mid-life crisis” and his “moment of clarity”; Yaakov will finally be a complete spiritual person with a full acceptance of his relationship to God and a sense of purpose in his life. This does not mean his life will be easier. It just means that Yaakov, with this renewed sense of purpose and identity, will be able to deal with all the troubles and heartache that is involved in living life as he continues to grow old.

             Of course, I have gray hair. Yes, my beard is turning white. There are more worries, there are more things that feel beyond my control.  There are more times that I worry about the direction of my life and my children's lives. There are more times when I worry about my parent’s health. No, I don’t necessarily have my hip pulled out of joint when we wake up in the middle of the night with this existential angst. Although due to an old back injury; I sometimes wake up with my back pain more acute than at other times.  We do have the emotional scars of such moments. Our souls struggle and sometimes our souls receive scars because of those moments when we question our purpose in life. It probably causes wrinkles and definitely causes gray hair. However those struggles are necessary because it leads us to moments of clarity, and we understand that our lives do have a purpose, and our families will be ok and everything will be all right.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

What Truth Is Proof Against All Lies (Gerrit Graham & Bob Weir - "Victim Or The Crime")

Shiva for the last of the 11 Jews murdered in Pittsburgh will conclude this Sabbath. While the relatives of Rose Mallinger (z”l) sat Shiva, an election took place in the United States. When a virulent anti-semite, raging against Jews and Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society murdered Rose and 10 other Jews, Jews need to acknowledge that “it” can happen in America. As my children have watched the news about Pittsburgh unfold, as they have listened to commentators, Rabbis and civic leaders speak about it, as they listen to the President speak about it, they also  I remind my kids that “it” can happen in the U.S. My children watched the President denounced Anti-semitism; and, even though his son in law is Jewish, even though his daughter converted to Judaism, even though his grandchildren are Jewish, even though he has moved the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem; my children wanted to believe the President. I explained that of course we want to believe the President but then I warned them the need to do their homework and decide whether or not they should believe him. I suggested they take a few minutes and do some reading. The President uses terms like “Globalists” and described himself as a “Nationalist I suggested to my children that they should look into how those terms have been historically used and who used those terms. I suggested that they look up people like Richard Spencer, David Duke and see what they have to say about Trump. I suggested that they read an article about the rise of White Nationalism in the U.S. in the New York Times Magazine. I suggest that they look at t relationship between the rise of “Nationalism” and Anti-Semitism. That information is readily available from the Anti Defamation League

This week’s Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. Yaakov is concerned with the Birthright, receiving blessings and the spiritual world. Esav is concerned with eating, drinking, hunting, and the physical world. We learn that just like his father, Avraham, who experienced a famine in the land, Yitzchak also experienced a famine in the land. Unlike his father, Yitzchak does not go down to Egypt. Yitzchak remains, grows wealthy, and re-opens the wells that had gone dry in his father’s day. The narrative then re-focuses upon Yitzchak and his family. Yitzchak, sensing his imminent death, wants to bless Esav. Rivka overhears this and tells Yaakov to pose as Esav in order to receive the blessing. Yaakov listens to his mother and dresses as Esav. Yaakov receives Yitzchak’s blessing. As a result, Esav is fit to be tied and threatens to kill Yaakov.

            When Esav turned 40, he got married. As different as the boys were before this, Esav’s marriages reflect his further spiritual diminishment from his mother and father. Esav’s association with these women brings out the worst in him. Va’Yehi Eisav Ben Arbaim Shanah VaYikach Isha et Y’hudit Bat B’Eiri HaChiti V’et Basmat Bat Eilon Ha’Chiti – When Esav was forty years old, he took as a wife Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. Va’Tiheyenah Morat Ruach L’Yitzchak U’l’Rivkah – and they were a source of spiritual bitterness for Yitzchak and Rivka (Gen.26:24). There is a Midrash that tells us that once a species of bird migrated to Eretz Yisrael. The Rabbis were unable to determine whether this new species was kosher or treif. Rabbi Chiya, the leading scholar of his day, said, “Isolate one on the roof and see what kind of birds associate with it.” Immediately a raven (which is not kosher) joined the new bird. The Rabbis were able to finally determine that the new species of bird was not kosher. The same was true with regard to Esav when he married both women. They brought out the worst in him, whether it was Avodah Zarah – idolatry, or degrading himself to such a point that he did not warrant receiving the blessing. Of even greater concern to Rivkah and Yitzchak was the departure of the Divine Presence. Remember that when Yitzchak’s mother, Sarah, died, the light in her tent, the holy presence diminished. When Yitzchak married Rivka, the holy presence returned to Sarah’s tent. However, when Esav’s wives became part of Yitzchak’s household, this holy light was vanquished.

            So my kids discovered that terms like “Nationalist” and “Globalist” mean something to David Duke, Richard Spencer, White Nationalist, and the Alt-Right. My kids discovered you can learn a lot about a person by who gravitates towards that person. My kids discovered that you can learn a lot about a person by not only the words they use but how people respond to those words. Rose Mallinger was alive in February 1939 when the German American Bund Party filled Madison Square Garden for a political rally, and use those words and similar words to describe Jews. Nearly eighty years later those words and similar words have been used in arenas throughout the U.S.to stoke hate and fear. Unfortunately, my kids also learned the valuable lesson that leaders can and should be judged by the words they say, the company they keep, and who else may endorse and support those words.

           

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Gonna Scare You Up And Shoot Ya (Robert Hunter & Ron McKernan "Mister Charlie")

Our eldest daughter came home for American Thanksgiving. It was wonderful seeing all of our children sitting together, singing together, laughing together and talking with each other. At one point, our three daughters insisted on having a moment of sister bonding time and took several pictures excluding their younger brother.  While watching our three daughters, now 27,17,15 years of age pose for pictures; I experienced one of my moments of fatherly angst and anxiety. One has left our home, one is about to leave our home, and one, although several years away from leaving home, watches her older sisters and I am sure she can’t wait to get on with chosen path. All three are experiencing some degree of transition. All I can think of are two words: “boys” and “men”.   After hearing about the women who have come forward with allegations of sexual misconduct against Roy Moore (Alabama Senate candidate), Harvey Weinstein (movie producer), Matt Lauer (NBC host of Today Show), Charlie Rose, Al Franken and the President; where are the fathers? Why haven’t I heard a father say anything in support of his daughter? How can a father of daughters look at Roy Moore and cast a vote for him?  I watched my daughters laughing together as they took their pictures and I wondered and worried if I have given them the necessary tools to deal with such boys and men. I wonder if I gave them the necessary tools to fend off such animal behavior if they were accosted. I wonder if I infused within them enough courage, chutzpah, and sense of self that they would tell me if such a thing happened and then, more importantly, go to the authorities, and call out the animal that would have caused them such harm.

This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds and altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s.

            The narrative about Yaakov is interrupted with the disturbing one chapter narrative (chapter 34) about Yaakov’s daughter Dina, her encounter with Shechem the Hivvite, their unholy tryst and the horrible aftermath. The aftermath is horrible for a variety of reasons. The initial incident in which the Torah tells us VaYikach Otah Vayishkav Otah Va’YeANeh’Ha- He [Shechem] took her, lay with her, and violated her [Dinah] is horrible enough for Dina. Dina does not speak. At no point are we told how Dina feels or what she wants. If that’s not troubling enough, Yaakov also remains silent is there a father that, upon hearing such news, would respond with silence?  Jacob’s silence is palatable. First the Torah says: V’ Yaakov Shama Ki TiMei et Dina Vito  U’Vanav Hayu et Mikneihu BaSadeh VHeCherish Yaakov Ad Bo’Am – Now Jacob heard that he had defiled his daughter Dina, while his sons were with his cattle in the field; so Jacob kept silent until their arrival (34:5). When the brothers returned and heard the news about their sister, VaYichar Lahem M’Od – They became very hot with anger. When Shechem and Hamor meet with Jacob and Shimon and Levi proposing marriage, VaYa’Anu V’Nei Yaakov et Shechem v’Et Chamor Aviv B’Mirmah V’Yidabeiru Asher Timei et Dina Achotam – Jacob’s son’s answered Shechem and his father Hamor cleverly and they spoke (because he had defiled their sister Dina). Jacob doesn’t speak. The Torah seems to suggest that Jacob is too upset to speak so the sons respond to Shechem’s proposal of marriage and political alliance between the families. We don’t read about Jacob seeing his daughter, consoling his daughter, even crying and yelling and screaming at her. He is silent. When the perpetrator shows up at his door, Jacob does nothing.  The man that “defiled” his daughter, the man that “violated” his daughter is standing in front him and Dina’s father doesn’t do a thing. His sons speak up for him and in a sense usurp Jacob’s paternal authority. No, this seems like the silence of weakness and timidity. The Yalkut Shimoni, a comprehensive midrashic anthology from the 13th century makes a very simple and powerfully sad insight. Commenting on V’HeCherish Yaakov (Jacob kept silent) – Hada Hu Dichtiv ‘V’Ish Tevunot YaCharish’- It is written there (in Proverbs 11:12) ‘a man of understanding will be silent’. Just as Dina is remarkably and tragically silent, perhaps Jacob’s silence is empathy for his daughter or maybe he is too upset to speak, or maybe he doesn’t know what to do. Certainly, he knew of Shimon and Levi’s plan because at the end of his life he despised them for their response. Maybe Jacob kept silent because he may have felt responsible, or that he failed to protect his daughter. Because the Torah uses the name Yaakov (the name which invokes clinging and therefore weakness) rather than Yisroel (a name that invokes struggling and vanquishing); Yaakov has become too spiritually weak to respond and to negotiate.

            I don’t know what I would do if it were my daughter but silence? I might have been like Bonasera, the mortician from the Godfather, when he said: “For justice, we must go to Don Corleone." Or I would seriously think about purchasing a gun and the shooting the animal that hurt my daughter. As a father, I now can hear the silence of the fathers of all these women who have spoken out against the unacceptable behavior. Perhaps a father’s silence is due to his being complicit in the dynamic. Maybe the silence of these fathers is because they neglected to provide tools for their daughter to deal with this, a strong voice to speak out sooner and louder, or just the quiet support and sustaining love that fathers should provide their daughters so that they are strong and independent people.

Peace,

Rav Yitz