If Mercy's In Business, I Wish It For Your (Robert Hunter & Mickey Hart- "Fire On The Mountain")

           With my wife visiting our son in Israel during the Christmas and New Year’s vacation, I decided to pay a visit to my parents. During dinner with my parents, they both became incredibly serious. It was the kind of serious where I was awaiting for one of them to tell me some dreadful news. Apparently, they had the same talk with my younger sister last week.  Thankfully, the news wasn’t dreadful but the subject matter was rather troubling. My parents have aged a lot and I think the fact that they both had Covid this past summer has given them a powerful concern about their own mortality. So, during dinner, my parents expressed their concerns about aging, their own health, and their anticipated deterioration of health. Both talked about their desire to remain in their home for as long as they were physically and mentally capable. Both shared their concerns regarding what “measures” to take during the coming years if, in fact, health deteriorates rapidly. They both understood that in the coming years, my sister and I would be much more involved in making decisions for them or with them, decisions that will affect them. They were anxious, nervous, and needed peace of mind as they head into their very golden years together. So I listened, I smiled and I told them that my sister and I will do everything we can to respect their wishes. 

             This morning we read from Parsha Vayechi. This is the final Parsha in the book of Breishit. T Parsha begins with Yaakov calling Yosef and making him swear an oath that he will not be buried in Egypt. He also blesses his grandsons Ephraim and Menashe. He gathers his sons together and offers each son a blessing or a prophecy. Yaakov dies and his sons take him out of Egypt and fulfill their vow. They bury their father in Heron alongside Avraham and Yitzchak and Sarah Rebecca and Leah. Afterward, the brothers fear that Yosef will finally take vengeance for their mistreatment of him. Yosef doesn’t, and the brothers and their families continue to grow and prosper in Goshen. As Yosef prepares for his death, he makes his brother's vow to take his bones out of Egypt and bury his bones in Eretz Canaan. 

Yaakov’s final wish is to be buried in Canaan, in the Caves of the Machpela with his ancestors, Avraham/Sarah, Yitzchak/Rivka, and his wife Leah. Yaakov shares this wish with Yosef. Given his position within Egypt, Yosef would be the most likely of the sons who could arrange to fulfill Yaakov’s wish. After sharing his final wish with his beloved son Yosef; Yaakov asks Yosef to swear to him that he will carry out this final wish. To demonstrate one’s “swearing a vow,” Yaakov tells Yosef: Im Nah Matzati Chein M’Einecha If now I have found grace in your eyes Sim Nah Yadcha Tachat Yereichi put, I pray of you, your hand beneath my thigh v’Asita Imadi Chesed v’Emet –, and deal kindly and truthfully with me. However, Yosef does not do as his father asks; Yosef does not put his hand beneath his father’s thigh as an indication of swearing an oath. Rather, Vayomer [Yosef] said, Anochi Eseh Chidvarecha – I personally will do as you said. Yaakov, sensing his son’s hesitation, asks Yosef to swear that he will fulfill the request. Finally, Yosef acquiesces and swears an oath to fulfill his father’s request.

          Why does Yosef hesitate? The text clearly conveys that Yosef did not make a “vow” to Yaakov when first asked. Yosef did not immediately put his hand beneath his father’s thigh as an indication of making a vow.  Yosef did not immediately say “I swear to bury you with your ancestors”.  Why doesn’t Yaakov’s favorite son, Joseph,  swear this last dying favor to his father? What kind of son doesn’t swear an oath if asked by his dying father to do so if it means peace of mind and a soul at peace for his father?  Yosef’s first answer indicates that he will look after the request personally. Midrash explains the difference between Avraham’s servant’s behavior and Yosef’s behavior: HaEved Asa K’Avadoto Uven Chorin Asah K’Chiruto – Rabbi Yitzchak said: The servant acted like a servant and the free man acted as a free man, The servant acted like a servant, as it says ‘And the servant put his hand beneath his [Avraham’s] thigh; While the freeman acted as a free person: ‘And he said, I will do as you said’’ As a free individual, Yosef is only bound by his conscience. He is free to question. The servant, on the other hand, has no such ability. He is bound to fulfill his obligations whether forced or unforced. The Malbim, the 17th-century commentator explains that Yosef was acting as a son should. Yosef was trying to act out of filial responsibility, based upon his own free will rather than a servant who is bound by oaths. 

          There are moments when one’s own volition is not enough to fulfill a final wish. Yaakov makes Yosef swear the oath because he wants Yosef to acknowledge an authority greater than his own. He also wants Yosef to acknowledge an authority greater than Pharaoh. Yaakov wanted Yosef to be completely powerless and act solely on behalf of his father. Under normal circumstances, according to ChaZaL – our Talmudic sages of Blessed Memory, the acceptance of the Torah and its commandments are an acknowledgment and acceptance of an external authority greater than ourselves. Intrinsic to that acceptance is a humbling awareness that we are not all that powerful or in control of every aspect of life.  Of course, my sister and I will do everything we can to respect our parents' wishes as they enter these upcoming years.  As my parents spoke to me, and I listened, I only had one thought. After all the sacrifices my parents have made in helping me to become the best possible version of me, how could I not honor their request and do everything I can to make their golden years together as golden and as dignified as possible?  

Peace,
Rav Yitz

Mama, Mama, Many Worlds I've Come Since I First Left Home (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Brokedown Palace")

           The United States observance and celebration of it Thanksgiving signal the beginning of the holiday season. If Christmas decorations have not yet appeared in storefronts, they do so now. Individual homes and town centers begin cleaning up and decorating acknowledging Christmas and Chanukkah. We all begin shopping for gifts for family and friends. Of course, all the Christmas specials are re-broadcast on television. Our family’s favorite Holiday season movie is Frank Capra’s 1946 film It’s A Wonderful Life.  I have watched the movie since I was a kid. With each passing year, with each phase of my life, I have seen Jimmy Stewart’s character, George Bailey, in a different light. As he went through different phases of growing up, getting married, and raising a family, I have done the same. As he struggled with his existential angst, so have I. This year, for the first time in 32 years, I have no children in my house. Instead, they are living their lives, on their own, following their path. As a result, I experienced the movie just a bit differently than before.   During one particular scene Jimmy Stewart’s character George Bailey sits at the dining room table with his mother, his father, and his younger brother, they discuss George’s future plans. He expresses his need to leave and go out on his own: “I just feel like if I don't get away, I'd bust.” I smiled to myself because, in my mind, it seemed like yesterday that I felt that way in terms of my parents. Now I am at a point in my life where my kids have all adopted a similar mantra. For the first time, I identified with George Bailey’s father, the parent offering guidance to the child who prepares to go off on his own. 

          This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeitze. The focus of the narrative is on Yaakov. For the first time, Yaakov will find out what it means to be alone in the world.  He has left his mother, Rivkah, and his father Yitzchak, for the first time. In fleeing his brother Esav, Yaakov now embarks on a new phase of his life. For the first time, but certainly not the last time, he will have to face being alone. He will learn to be an independent individual. Yes, Yaakov will meet his future wives, his cousins Leah and Rachel. He will work for his father-in-law, Lavan, and he will have children. The narrative will focus on Yaakov’s life from young adulthood to becoming a responsible father, earning a living, and all the trials, tribulations, and tensions of career and family. As Yaakov makes his way in life, hopefully, he will learn more about himself. With each event, with each adventure, Yaakov has an opportunity to become better connected, better connected to himself, and better connected to a covenant that his father bequeathed to him. Yet throughout the narrative he will learn to be alone, he will learn to become independent, and he will learn, through trial and error, to whom he should spiritually cling: Esav, his parents, Lavan, his wives, and God.

           At the conclusion of the previous Parsha, Parsha Toldot, we read that Yitzchak and Rivkah instructed Yaakov to go to Padan- Aram, to the house of Bethuel (Rivkah’s father’s home) and take a wife from there. We would expect Parsha VaYeitze to begin with Yaakov heading to Padan- Aram. Instead, VaYeitze begins: VaYeitze Yaakov M’Beer Sheva VaYeilech Charana – Yaakov departed from Beer Sheva and went toward Charan. Why doesn’t VaYeitze, say that Yaakov departed and went to Padan Aram? Why do we need to be told that he went to Charan? What’s in Charan? Yaakov has never been away from home. Although he is heading toward his mother’s family; even Rivkah knew enough to leave her family of origin. Now Yaakov, in order to preserve his life, must leave his family of origin. In Toldot, Yaakov was described as Ish Tam  Yoshev Ohalim – a simple man of faith who dwells in tents (Gen. 19;27) The Talmudic Sages explain that Yaakov’s dwelling in the tents meant that he spent time in his parent’s tents studying and learning. However, no learning would prepare him for what he would contend with when dealing with Rivka’s family and particularly her brother Lavan.  Rabbi Kamenetsky, (1891-1986), explained that prior to arriving in Paddan Aram, Yaakov stopped in Charan to learn from Shem and Eber. Shem was Noah’s son and Eber from the generation of the Tower of Bavel. Both were considered righteous and wise men who lived in unsavory environments and managed to retain their sense of righteousness. Yaakov sought their practical wisdom prior to his encounter with Lavan and dealing with becoming independent in an unsavory environment.  He will also need the wisdom of Shem and Eber to help him eventually return home. As a result of Yaakov’s diversion, Yaakov understands that he must maintain a relationship with God, and he understands that he will need to find his way home when the time is right.

          In It’s A Wonderful Life, George Bailey’s desire to leave home was symbolized by his request and his “wish to never been born”. Indeed, when George cries out “I want to live again” he is asking to return home. For Yaakov, he needed to leave his physical home, but clearly, he took with him the values and the learning that he acquired from his family. He took God with him as well as the sense of the land. He took with him a desire to return home. Yaakov and George Bailey derive an aspect of their independence from not only leaving home but leaving home with a code as well has to have the courage and humility to return home. Indeed, our children have all left home, however, our children also know that whenever the need arises, the doors of the home are always open, and their parents' arms are also open to hug them when they walk in the door

Peace
Rav Yitz.

All This Favour Ended When My Brother Failed At War - (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "My Brother Esau")

           Being American, Thanksgiving was always a big deal in my family. There were numerous family traditions and foods that were associated with the day. One of the traditions established by my mother occurred during the meal. We would go around the table and offer our reason for being thankful. Usually, the reasons focused on health and family. However this year I am more acutely aware of what or more importantly for whom I am not thankful. I am not thankful for Elon Musk and his decision to reinstate Donald Trump on Twitter. However, I am thankful for all those employees of Twitter who continue to quit and hopefully, the company will be utterly ruined and fall into the dust heap of history. If you go on Twitter, you will find a cesspool of hate ignorance, intolerance a  sewage system of conspiracy theories, and a public square inhabited by loud people who crave attention, speak in hyperbole, and pander in fear and hatred. 

          This week’s Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – is a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. Yaakov is concerned with the Birthright, receiving blessings, and the spiritual world. Esav is concerned with eating, drinking, hunting, and the physical world. We learn that just like his father, Avraham, who experienced a famine in the land, Yitzchak also experienced a famine in the land. Unlike his father, Yitzchak does not go down to Egypt. Yitzchak remains, grows wealthy, and re-opens the wells that had gone dry in his father’s day. The narrative then re-focuses on Yitzchak and his family. Yitzchak, sensing his imminent death, wants to bless Esav. Rivka overhears this and tells Yaakov to pose as Esav in order to receive the blessing. Yaakov listens to his mother and dresses as Esav. Yaakov receives Yitzchak’s blessing. As a result, Esav is fit to be tied and threatens to kill Yaakov.

        When Esav turned 40, he got married. As different as the boys were before this, Esav’s marriages reflect his further spiritual diminishment from his mother and father. Esav’s association with these women brings out the worst in him. Va’Yehi Eisav Ben Arbaim Shanah VaYikach Isha et Y’hudit Bat B’Eiri HaChiti V’et Basmat Bat Eilon Ha’Chiti – When Esav was forty years old, he took as a wife Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. Va’Tiheyenah Morat Ruach L’Yitzchak U’l’Rivkah – and they were a source of spiritual bitterness for Yitzchak and Rivka (Gen.26:24). There is a Midrash that tells us that once a species of bird migrated to Eretz Yisrael. The Rabbis were unable to determine whether this new specie was kosher or treif. Rabbi Chiya, the leading scholar of his day, said, “Isolate one on the roof and see what kind of birds associate with it.” Immediately a raven (which is not kosher) joined the new bird. The Rabbis were able to finally determine that the new species of bird was not kosher. The same was true with regard to Esav when he married both women. They brought out the worst in him, whether it was Avodah Zarah – idolatry, or degrading himself to such a point that he did not warrant receiving the blessing. Of even greater concern to Rivkah and Yitzchak was the departure of the Divine Presence. Remember that when Yitzchak’s mother, Sarah, died, the light in her tent, the holy presence diminished. When Yitzchak married Rivka, the holy presence returned to Sarah’s tent. However, when Esav’s wives became part of Yitzchak’s household, this holy light was vanquished.

          Yes, there was a brief moment when Twitter was first created when its potential was evaluated through the prism of the best of human nature. When children are young, we tend to see their future as positive, full of potential, and as a source of joy and pride (nachas) to the parents. At that moment we are completely thankful. However, the children grow up and follow their paths, and perhaps a parent’s optimism, hopes, and dreams gradually diminish and are replaced with the realization that the child has become the worst possible version of him/herself. That is what happened to Esav. That also holds for any new endeavor or product or service. Twitter came into the world and was hailed as a place for the civilized exchange of ideas, and the instant transmission of information. Sadly it did not take long for Twitter to grow up and become the worst possible version of itself, a place that attracts misinformation, conspiracy, hatred, racism, antisemitism, and fear. Maybe all those who left Elon Musk can form a version of Twitter that fulfills the best possible version of itself and become like Yaakov as opposed to Esav.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

Please Forget You Knew My Name, My Darling, Sugaree (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Sugaree')

            According to the school calendar, winter break began earlier this week.  With my wife and son both off from school, we drove our son to his grandparents in Upstate New York. My wife and I continued our drive to New York City.  We planned to pick up one daughter who was also beginning her semester break from university and visit our other daughter. It was also an opportunity to visit my sister and my wife’s aunt. However, there were some clues that our time in New York City was going to be a bit different. ‘ My niece spent her final days of school attending “online” classes before her winter break. My sister spent her last few days of work online before her winter break. Several Broadway shows were canceled, Saturday Night Live was not live in front of a studio audience, but rather live before a skeleton stage crew. Sporting events were being canceled throughout North America.  As I walked around Manhattan, I noticed a curious sight. I kept seeing lines of people form. No, these lines were not in front of Madison Square Garden or Broadway theatres, these lines were on various street corners.  It turned out that the lines were of people waiting to get tested for Covid. Indeed, with the powerful resurgence of the Delta variant and the new arrival of the Omicron variant, the number of people becoming ill quickly grew and the number of people dying has started to increase as well. During this resurgence, the empirical evidence has been clear. Those who are fully vaccinated with a booster may contract Covid, but their illness is relatively mild with an extremely low chance of hospitalization and death. Those who are unvaccinated suffer a far worse fate with a 20%  increased chance of hospitalization or death. As I walked around New York and saw people standing in line for testing, walking into pharmacies for their vaccinations, I thought about those hundreds of thousands of people who died needlessly because they either waited too long to get vaccinated or they refused to get vaccinated. These people had names. They had families, They had friends. Their lives touched others’ lives.  Yet through ignorance, naivete, hubris, obstinancy, or procrastination, their awful choice turned each of these people into a statistic, into one number of the over 800,000 people who have died from Covid in North America.

           This week we begin the second book of the Torah; the Book of Exodus – Sefer Shmot, literally translated into “The Book of Names”. This second book begins with the Parsha Shmot. The first few verses essentially recount the ending of the Book of Genesis. Shmot re-iterates the names of Jacobs’ sons and the fact that Jacob and his sons came to Egypt. We are reminded that Jacob had already died. We are reminded that the next generation, Jacob’s sons (including Yosef) passed away. A new king assumes the mantle of power and does not know of Yosef’s great deeds. Instead, the new Pharaoh believed that this foreign population was tantamount to a fifth column. Therefore this tribe must be enslaved to prevent their uniting with Egypt’s external enemies. We read about the birth and growth of Moses, and his flight to Midian. We read about his becoming a husband, a shepherd, a father. We learn of his epiphany with the Burning Bush and God’s instructions plan to redeem B’nai Israel from slavery and Moshe’s role in the redemptive process.

          Considering, that this is a completely new Sefer, a new Book of the Torah and that the dominant theme of this new book is redemption from slavery and the national revelation at Mt. Sinai, why should the text be known as a Book of Names and why should it begin with a re-iteration of the names of Jacobs’ sons: V’Eilah Shmot  B’nai Yisroel Ha’Baim Mitzrayaima Eit Yaakov Ish U’Veito Ba’u- And these are the name of the Children of Israel who were coming to Egypt with Jacob, each man, and his household came, Reuven Shimon, Levi, Yehuda; Issachar, Zebulun, and Benjamin; Dan Naphtali; Gad and Asher. We don’t normally begin a new book with a conjunction, especially the conjunction “And”.  Instead of beginning the Parsha and the Book of Shmot with Eilah (These), the Parsha begins with V’Eilah (And these).  Based upon the Sefer Breishit's conclusion, the sons, along with Jacob, arrived in Egypt decades before (Gen. 46:8-30). Why do these opening verses repeat the concluding verses of the previous book? RaMBaN, (the great 12th-century Spanish doctor, commentator, and Halachist), and R’ Bachya (late 13th early 14th century Torah commentator), explain that the conjunction which begins the Parsha purposefully connects this new book to the previous book.  “B’nai Yisroel”, the term now used for the extended tribe owes their existence and their future existence to V’Eilah –“and these”…. these sons of Jacob, these sons who were “with Jacob” in his descent into Egypt. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsh (19th Cent. Germany) explains that these twelve sons and their resulting twelve tribal families were intimately attached to Jacob, and this was the secret of Israel’s strength and survival in Egypt. Although each son had his own family, he remained connected and united with Jacob. Implicit to these opening verses we understand that the secret to B’nai Israel’s survival in Egypt as slaves: past, present, and future were connected through values and covenant of the name of Jacobs twelve sons, Jacob, and his father and grandfather, Isaac and Abraham. The strength of those connections, the strength of being connected to the past with an eye towards a hopeful and positive future kept B’nai Israel spiritually free despite physical hardship and bondage.

          The names explicitly mentioned, Jacob and his son’s, stood for something. Implicitly, these names stood for and symbolized a covenantal relationship with God. These names stood for inheriting a land, as well as making a great name for itself. For their descendants, the names gave them an identity, an identity that kept them spiritually free despite their physical bondage. Every one of the over 800,000 deaths due to Covid had a name, a life, and touched others' lives. Yet those who died needlessly because they refused to be vaccinated because they erroneously thought that their personal liberties were the issue, suffered from a form of enslavement.   However, there is another kind of slavery: slavery to misinformation, slavery to obstinancy, naivete, ignorance, that carries with it a very real possibility of becoming an unnecessary statistic, or another unnecessary death. Perhaps all the unavoidable deaths are the greatest tragedy of this Pandemic.  

Peace
Rav Yitz 

Inside You're Burning, I Can See Clear Through; Your Eyes Tell More Than You Mean Them To (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "Feel Like A Stranger")

           On Thursday, the  United States celebrated Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was always a big deal in my family and hundreds of millions of other families in the U.S. There was always an expectation that our family, wherever we were, would come together for this meal. In an observant Jewish home, a family coming together for a meal happens more than once a year. In fact, it happens once if not twice a week on Shabbat. It happens during the Jewish Holidays. As a kid, our family composed of grandparents, aunt, uncle cousin parents, and sister wasn’t such a big deal. As we grew older and our own lives took us on our own path and our own levels of observance, Thanksgiving was the one Holiday that allowed us to come together, and re-connect. Of course, there are also numerous families that grow distant over the course of a year or even longer, and when they gather for Thanksgiving, the day and the meal are filled with tension and dysfunction. 

          This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeishev. The focus of the narrative now shifts from Yaakov (aka. Israel) to his most beloved son Yosef. Contextually, Yaakov is at a point in his life where he has finished his spiritual and personal struggles. He now is at a calm and settled point in his life, hence the name of the Parshah: Vayeishev – and he settled. We learn that Yaakov, like his parents, played favorites. He showered Yosef, Rachel’s son, with a beautiful Kutonet Pasim – Coat of Many Colors.  Despised by his brothers,  they sell Yosef to a passing caravan. Yosef winds up in the home of one of the Pharaoh’s courtiers. As a slave, Yosef proved invaluable to the welfare of the Courtier’s business dealings. Yosef managed everything and the courtier profited greatly. The courtier’s wife however was a bit bored and made a pass at Yosef. Yosef put her off and then was accused of sexual harassment. Yosef was sent to prison. While in prison, Yosef helped the warden manage the prison, and the warden did well. Yosef became known for his ability to interpret dreams.

          The dysfunction within Yaakov’s family is palpable. The Torah tells us that because Jacob demonstrably loved Joseph more and perhaps it was at the expense of Jacob’s other sons, the brothers hated Yosef. VaYiru Echav Ki Oto Ahav Avihem Mikol Echav VaYisnu Oto  V’Lo Yachlu Dabro L’Shalom - His brothers saw that it was he whom their father loved most of all so his brothers hated him, and they could not speak to him peaceably (37:4). The brothers had so much animosity towards Joseph that they couldn’t even be civil to him. Yes, Yosef would tell their father all the bad things that the brothers did (37:2). Certainly, Yosef acted a bit obtuse, lacking self-awareness when he shared the dreams about the sheaves and the constellations. After hearing these dreams the brothers hated Yosef even more, even more than being unable to speak peaceably to him. More than hating Yosef, they were now jealous of Yosef. The next interaction the brothers have with Yosef occurs while tending the flocks. VaYiru Oto M’Rachok U’Vterem Yikra Aleihem Vayitnaklu Oto L’Hamito- They saw him from afar; and when he had not yet approached them, they conspired against him to kill him. (37:18) The Vorker Rebbe (1779-1848) explained that Yosef and the brothers seemed to always keep a distance. The Torah never tells us of any positive interaction between Yosef and his brothers. The brothers never speak to Yosef and Yosef only speaks to them when sharing his dreams of dominion over them. Instead of expressing their pain to their father, and perhaps their anger, they channel it towards Yosef. The distance becomes greater and greater. They never spoke and the brothers’ hatred and jealousy grew by the day. Eventually, they became detached, and Yosef ceased being kin but evolved into “other” instead. “Other” can be dangerous and threatening. So the brothers plotted to kill Yosef.

          It is probably safe to say that Yosef and his brothers did not break bread together. They probably couldn’t remember the last time they shared a meal together where they just talked and laughed. One can imagine a family meal, a Shabbat meal, or a Fesitval meal, fraught with innuendo, harboring the pain of past slights, and finally the meal abruptly concluding with tempers flaring and seething anger. Indeed, the distance that grows among family members is frequently too great to traverse at one meal, even if it is Thanksgiving.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

One Step Done And Another Begun, In I Wonder How Many Miles (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "New Speedway Boogie"

           A few days ago I conducted a funeral. While meeting with the family prior to the Levayah (funeral), I was asked if I believed that people can change. Certainly, Judaism is pretty clear about the possibility of change. Because Judaism is behaviorally based and not dogmatically based, we believe that if the behavior changes, then ultimately the individual will change. Among the most prevalent themes of the Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) is the notion that we are capable of changing our behavior, changing ourselves, improving ourselves, and becoming better versions of ourselves. Certainly, I want to believe that, and as a Rabbi that is my first response. However, I don’t think it is so simple. Changing a personality, changing who we are, changing our core seems a rather daunting task. Several years ago, a book by Stephen Guise entitled Mini Habits: Smaller Habits Bigger Result appeared. Guise’s theory, based upon Lao Tzu’s famous pearl of wisdom “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a small step”, begins with the brutally realistic view of human nature. Guise explains that change is predicated upon two ingredients: intention and over-estimating competence. Big intentions and big ambitions are worthless if they don’t bring results. The lack of intended result harms and defeats the person and then he/she will eventually stop the process. The Dunning-Kruger effect is a cognitive bias that people generally overestimate their competencies. For Guise, this means that “self-control” ought to be considered as “competency” and, in general, we think we have much more self-control than we really do. This unrealistic evaluation of our self-control also contributes to our inability to change.

          This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion, Yaakov’s wrestling match, and his name change the night before the reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds an altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel, even though his name was changed prior to the reunion. Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally, we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s. 

          Yaakov’s trepidation prior to his reunion with his brother stems from the one unanswered question. Has Esav really changed? Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav.  VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). Certainly, at first blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly, it appears that the decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother.  It appears that Esav has changed. The plain meaning of the text suggests this. However, in the plain text, the simple meaning is focused upon behavior, upon the margins, and not at the core. Imagine not seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach; the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault instead of a loving embrace? What happens when the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”?  All these questions were cause for Yaakov’s trepidation. One thing is clear, however, the narrative concludes with Esav expressing a desire to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggests that some of his armed men should escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion), Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my Lord’s eyes. VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah So Esav started back that day on his way toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah - but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen. 33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. They don’t hug and kiss each other goodbye, or at least the Torah text doesn’t tell us that they hugged and kissed each other goodbye. Rather there is an offer by Esav to take Yaakov to Seir. Maybe Esav was attempting to be nice,  or perhaps he was trying to lull Yaakov into a trap and planned to wipe out Yaakov and his family later.  Yaakov understood that while his brother’s outward behavior may have changed, it was more realistic to assume that at Esav’s core, big brother Esav hadn’t changed at all. For the sake of the future safety of his family, Yaakov was best served by staying as far away as possible from his brother. 

            Yes, at first blush it was so easy for Yaakov and Esav to hug and kiss each other, to weep together.  Over the course of twenty years, maybe each had marginally softened, perhaps they had become better versions, more honest versions of themselves. However, at their respective cores, Yaakov, ever the spiritual clinger now grasps firmly to Hashem. This is worthy of a new name or an additional name: Israel.  Esav, ever the hunter, would wait for his prey to grow careless then go in for the kill. There is nothing in the text to suggest that Esav is capable of introspection. He hunts. His viewpoint is always external,  focused upon his prey. At the core, he is who is. So do people change? It seems that change is only possible if they are brutally honest and are inclined to embrace the effort required to engage in mini habits with an eye towards big results.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

I Guess That Can't Revoke Your Soul For Trying; Get Out Of The Door, Light Out, and Look All Around (Robert Hunter, Jerry Garcia, Phil Lesh, & Bob Weir- "Truckin'")

           Frequently, our 17-year-old son confides that he can’t wait to finish high school, spend a gap year in Israel and then head off to university preferably out of town. When he tells me this, I smile since I felt the same way many years before. Lately, when we sit down to Shabbat dinner, he will say “this is my last  Shabbat of Parsha such and such before I leave home.” His mother immediately states that she cannot believe it and urges him not to rush away her time with him.  Although he says it in a kind and loving way, he clearly looks forward to moving on to the next chapter of his life. While we would love for our son to remain close by, intellectually we understand the importance of a child leaving home and making his/her way in the world. We find it reassuring that for years now, universities such as Harvard and Yale to name a few, preferred that their incoming freshman take a gap year in order for the student to mature and be more prepared for living away from home.  

          This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeitze. The narrative focuses upon Yaakov. For the first time, Yaakov will find out what it means to be alone in the world.  He has left his mother, Rivkah, and his father, Yitzchak, for the first time. In fleeing his brother Esav, Yaakov now embarks on a new phase of his life. For the first time, but certainly not the last time, he will contend with being alone. He will learn to be an independent individual. Yes, Yaakov will meet his future wives, his cousins Leah and Rachel. He will work for his father-in-law, Lavan, and he will have children. The narrative will focus upon Yaakov’s life from young adulthood to becoming a responsible father, earning a living, and all the trials, tribulations, and tensions of career and family. As Yaakov makes his way in life, eventually, he will learn more about himself. With each event, with each adventure, Yaakov has an opportunity to become better connected to himself, and better connected to a covenant that his father bequeathed to him. Through trial and error, Yaakov will figure out to whom he should spiritually cling: Esav, his parents, Lavan, his wives, and God.

          At the conclusion of the previous Parsha, Parsha Toldot, we read that Yitzchak and Rivkah instructed Yaakov to go to Padan- Aram, to the house of Bethuel (Rivkah’s father’s home) and take a wife from there. We would expect Parsha VaYeitze to begin with Yaakov heading to Padan- Aram. Instead, VaYeitze begins: VaYeitze Yaakov M’Beer Sheva VaYeilech Charana – Yaakov departed from Beer Sheva and went toward Charan.  VaYifga BaMakom and he experienced and encounter (Gen 28:10-11) If Yaakov’s ultimate destination is Padan Aram and Rebecca’s family of origin, why does the Torah explain that Yaakov stopped at Charan and experienced an encounter? Did Yaakov stop in Charan intentionally in order to have an “encounter”? Or was his stopover in Charan and the ensuing “encounter”  unintentional. Clearly, if the Torah is taking the time to explain Yaakov’s itinerary and the resulting “encounter” during his stopover, then it must be important. Yaakov has never been away from home. He was supposed to head toward his mother’s family, the same family that Rivkah knew enough to leave when she was younger.  Like his mother, Yaakov must leave his family of origin in order to preserve his life.  However, the reason for Rebecca’s departure and the reason  Yaakov’s departure were very different. In Toldot, Yaakov was described as Ish Tam  Yoshev Ohalim – a simple man [of faith] who dwells in tents (Gen. 19;27) The Talmudic Sages explain that Yaakov’s dwelling in the tent meant that he spent time in his parent’s tents studying and learning. However, no amount of learning would prepare him for what he would contend with when dealing with Rivka’s family and particularly his uncle Lavan.  Rabbi Kamenetsky, (1891-1986), explained that prior to arriving in Paddan Aram, Yaakov stopped in Charan to learn from Shem and Eber. Shem was Noah’s son and Eber from the generation of the Tower of Bavel. Both were considered righteous and wise men who lived in unsavory environments and managed to retain their sense of righteousness. Yaakov sought their practical wisdom prior to his encounter with Lavan, becoming independent, and maturing in an unsavory environment.   As a result of Yaakov’s diversion, Yaakov understands that he must maintain a relationship with God, and he understands that he will need to find his way home when the time is right.

          For Yaakov, he needed to leave his physical home for fear of his physical safety. He was heading towards a place that would test his values and test his ethical code.  Certainly, he took with him the values and the learning that he acquired from his family.  By making a stopover in Haran, by taking time to put into practice the wisdom and the book learning he acquired at home; he had  “an encounter”, that steeled himself for what he would experience with Uncle Lavan.  After the stopover and after the “encounter”, Yaakov took God with him as well as the sense of the land, covenant and a sense of purpose. Certainly, our son has acquired a moral code, a sense of ethics as well as “book learning”. Prior to heading off to four years of university, he understands, appreciates, and looks forward to a gap year, a stopover, to put into practice what he has learned. He looks forward to the “encounter” of studying in Israel, in order to give him a deeper sense of purpose as he continues his intellectual, emotional, and spiritual journey in life. Certainly, our son looks forward to his upcoming departure and I think both my wife and I are comforted knowing that his gap year in Israel will give him the self-confidence and the added focus for dealing with university life.

Peace
Rav Yitz.

Esau Holds A Blessing, Brother Esau Holds A Curse; I Would Say That The Blame Is Mine, I Suspect It's Something Worse (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "Brother Esau")

           At age 17, our son is a bit of an idealist. Like so many of his generation, he deals in absolutes. People are good or bad. I try to explain to him that people do good things or bad things.  He also discovered “Classic Rock”. Earlier this week he asked me to listen to a song called “American Pie”. Before he had a chance to play the song for me, I told him who wrote and performed it, the year the song was released, and what the song was about. I also told him that the artist was an abusive husband, and convicted of several misdemeanor domestic abuse charges. My son was shocked. First, he was shocked that his old father actually knew the song. Second, he was now upset to find out that a person who had done some pretty awful things, created such an iconic song. I challenged him by suggesting that perhaps we should not listen to the song anymore. He hesitated because he like the song. I suggested that he read the New York Times Op-Ed by Jennifer Finney Boylan’s “Should Classic Rock Songs Be Toppled Like Confederate Statues” (NY Times Nov 3, 2021). She does what Judaism has always done, acknowledge deeds because people are complex. 

          This week, we read from Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any more different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. Yaakov is concerned with the Birthright, receiving the covenantal blessing, and the spiritual world. Esav is concerned with eating, drinking, hunting, and the physical world. We learn that just like his father, Avraham, who experienced a famine in the land, Yitzchak also experienced a famine in the land. Unlike his father, Yitzchak does not go down to Egypt. Yitzchak remains in the land, grows wealthy, and re-opens the wells that had gone dry in his father’s day. The narrative then re-focuses upon Yitzchak and his family. Yitzchak, sensing his imminent death, wants to bless Esav. Rivka overhears this and tells Yaakov to pose as Esav in order to receive the blessing. Yaakov listens to his mother and dresses as Esav. Yaakov receives Yitzchak’s blessing. As a result, Esav is fit to be tied and threatens to kill Yaakov. The Parsha concludes with Rivka telling Jacob to go to her brother’s home, convincing Yitzchak that Yaakov needs to leave home in order to find a wife. Yaakov receives his father’s blessing, the blessing of the Brit, the Covenant that God made with Avraham and Yitzchak, a blessing that was never intended for Esav.  Yaakov leaves home and Esav moves away as well. He decides to dwell with his uncle Ishmael among the Canaanites.

           The Torah never tells us that Esav is a bad son. Instead, some of his deeds are described in a less than positive light.  Yes, he sells his birthright to his brother because he is “starving to death”.  He marries the wrong girl from the wrong tribe which upsets his parents. However, we should keep in mind he fulfills his father’s request in order to receive his blessing. In fact, the ChaZaL, the Talmudic Sages, ascribe the mitzvah of Kibud Av,  respecting the father, to Esav.  Frequently, Esav would cook and care for his father. Clearly, he was very close to Yitzchak. So when Esav doesn’t receive the blessing: KiShma Esav et Divrei Aviv Yitzchak Tzaaka Gedola U’Mara Ad M’Ode; VaYomer L’Aviv Barcheini Gam Ani Avi When Esav heard his father’s words, he cried out an exceedingly great and bitter cry, and said to his father, “Bless me to my Father” (27:34). Four verses later, when it appears that Yitzchak doesn’t have a blessing in reserve for Esav: VaYomer Esav El Aviv HaBracha Achat Hee Lecha Avi, Barcheini Gam Ani Avi VaYisah Esav Kolo VaYeivk – Esav said to his father, “have you but one blessing, my Father? Bless me too my father!” and Esav raised his voice and wept (27:38).  After this big strong strapping sort of man finished crying he then vowed to kill his brother.  For a moment at least, Esav appears sympathetic, his cry is “exceedingly great”; he “raises his voice and weeps”.  What did these cries sound like? After all, not all cries sound the same. Was it the type of cry when one has suffered a sudden loss? Was it the cry of someone who just broke a bone? Was it the cry upon hearing the news of a loved one? Was it the cry of being at the end of one’s emotional rope and feeling helpless in the face of life’s onslaught? The Meforshim (the commentators) are oddly silent about the nature of the “Tzaak Gedola UMara- the great and bitter cry. Perhaps the silence suggests that Esav’s response is legitimately reasonable. Maybe the silence suggests that Esav’s crying is so out of character from the way he has behaved up until this point. Perhaps Esav is changed after the second cry. Regarding the VaYisah Esav Kolo VaYeivk Esav raised his voice and wept;” the Midrash Tanchuma comments that Esav wept only three tears. One from each eye and one that disappeared in the midst of his eye. When God saw that the “wicked one wept over his life only 3 tears”, that small limited moment demonstrated the smallest of regret over the what his life had become and might very well be in the future. For this tiny moment, for this humane cry, God made sure that Esav received a blessing. Maybe not the one that Yaakov received, but this minimal blessing reflects the minimal nature of the crying, weeping.

           Indeed, Esav did some bad things. Time and time again, the Torah records Esav’s deeds. Describing Esav as a hunter doesn’t make him bad. Selling his birthright doesn’t make him bad. Even when distraught over the loss of the blessing, he leaves his parents and goes to his uncle Ishmael and marries the Canaanite woman, the Torah never expresses its disapproval. Only Esav's mother,  Rivkah indicates her disapproval. Only the generations after Yaakov,  the generations living under Roman rule beginning with the Talmudic Sages evaluated Esav’s deeds and categorized him as “bad” as “evil”; all but dismissing his expression of  Kibud Av (respect and reverence for one’s father). Certainly,  Esav is not worthy of receiving the covenantal blessing. Does that mean he is unworthy of receiving a blessing? Is he unworthy of his father’s love even if that love is conditional?. As our son listened to the “American Pie” several more times, he began to understand that the works or the deeds of a person stand alone.  Even more important, he realized the limitations of looking at the world in terms of  “black” and ‘white” and evaluating a  person as either “good” or “bad”. Suddenly, he understood that life has far more gray and people are far more complex. It seems our son is growing up.

Peace,
Rav Yitz 

Promises Made In The Dark Dissolve By Light Of Day (Robert Hunter & Bob Weir - "Easy Answers")

           Well, we are in the final days of 2020 and the first days of 2021. I have never heard so many people express joy for a year to conclude. Personally, I wish 2020  happy good riddance. Likewise, I have never seen more people express the hope that a new year will be better, not even necessarily “happy”, “good” or as Jews say at Rosh HaShanah, “sweet”. We would just settle for “better” or “improved”.  At this time of year, the biggest resolutions are to eat healthily, lose weight, and exercise.  There are numerous commercials for exercise equipment, weight loss programs, and pre-measured meals that only require cooking at-home preparation.  Psychologists generally agree that the number one cause for people’s failure to fulfill their resolution is that the resolution itself was unrealistic and too big. Instead of setting a goal of losing 60 pounds over the course of a year, maybe a more realistic goal would be 25-30 pounds.  Instead of setting a goal of running a marathon by the end of January, perhaps start with a kilometer or two and gradually and safely build up stamina. Or, instead of looking at the resolution and becoming daunted by its enormity; break down that resolution into manageable parts. Losing 5 pounds each month (60/12) is much more manageable than focusing upon 60 pounds. While trying to fulfill my resolution of more exercise, I worked out on our elliptical machine and I  thought about the value and importance of making Resolutions.  Resolutions seem to be directed inward, towards one’s self, as opposed to a promise or a vow which tends to be directed outwards towards someone else. Also, there seems to be a difference between breaking a resolution and breaking a vow. Breaking a resolution disappoints and affects one’s self, breaking a vow or a promise disappoints and affects the other person. 

This Shabbat, we read from Parsha Vayechi. This is the final Parshah in the book of Breishit. The Parsha begins with Yaakov calling Yosef and making him swear an oath that he will not be buried in Egypt. He also blesses his grandsons Ephraim and Menashe. He gathers his sons together and offers each son a blessing or a prophecy. Yaakov dies and his sons take him out of Egypt and fulfill their vow. They bury their father in Hebron alongside Avraham and Yitzchak and Sarah Rebecca and Leah. Afterward, the brothers fear that Yosef will finally take vengeance for their mistreatment of him. Yosef doesn’t, and the brothers and their families continue to grow and prosper in Goshen. As Yosef prepares for his death, he requests that his brothers promise to bring take his bones out of Egypt and bury them in Eretz Canaan. 

When Yaakov beckons Yosef, it is not enough for Yaakov to share his dying wish with Yosef. Yaakov needs Yosef to swear an oath that he will fulfill his father’s final dying wish. To demonstrate one’s “swearing a vow,” Yaakov tells Yosef: Im Nah Matzati Chein M’Einecha If now I have found grace in your eyes Sim Nah Yadcha Tachat Yereichi put, I pray of you, your hand beneath my thigh v’Asita Imadi Chesed v’Emet –,and deal kindly and truthfully with me. However, Yosef does not do as his father asks; Yosef does not put his hand beneath his father’s thigh as an indication of swearing an oath. Rather, Vayomer [Yosef] said, Anochi Eseh Chidvarecha – I personally will do as you said. The text clearly conveys that Yosef did not make a “vow” to Yaakov. Yosef did not put his hand beneath his father’s thigh as an indication of making a vow. Rather he said that he would take care of the matter personally.  Rabeinu Chananel, a tenth-century Egyptian Talmudic commentator, briefly and succinctly explains that Anochi Eseh M’Atzmi – I will take care of it myself hence there is no need for swearing an oath. Rav Ovadia Sforno – the 16th Italian Renaissance Torah Commentator adds a more in-depth comment over the fac t that Yosef did not at first swear an oath to Yaakov’s final request. Anochi Metzad Atzmi Eseh Kidvarecha B’Chol Chai – As far as I am concerned, I will do as you say with all my power. Yosef’s response suggests a possible excuse in case he cannot fulfill the dying wish. “I will do everything in my power” acknowledges that  Yosef is only second in command and requires Pharoah’s permission. In case Pharaoh refused the request; then Yosef still fulfilled his father’s final wish.  Yosef did everything did “everything in his power”, but Pharaoh denied permission.  Yaakov senses the hesitation and tells Yosef: Hishava Li – Swear to me, Vayishava Lo – and He [Yosef] swore to him [Yaakov]. Yaakov does not want any excuses nor does he want Yosef relying solely upon his own relationship with Pharaoh. Pharaoh will understand a son swearing an oath to his dying father and would never refuse a request of that nature. However Yosef is not a servant, he is the second most powerful person in Egypt, and he remains Yaakov’s favorite son. As a free individual, Yosef is only bound by his conscience. He is free to question. The servant, on the other hand, has no such ability. He is bound to fulfill his obligations whether forced or unforced. The Malbim, the 17th-century commentator, explains that Yosef was acting as a son should. Yosef was trying to act out of filial responsibility, based upon his own free will rather than a servant who is bound by oaths. 

It appears that there are moments where one’s own volition is not enough in fulfilling a final wish.  Yaakov makes Yosef swear the oath to prove that Yosef’s actions are those of a servant to his father and not as a son. Under normal circumstances, according to our ChaZaL – our Talmudic sages, we are already bound by Torah; there is no need to accept artificial/external bonds. The bonds of Torah and mitzvot should be enough.  The bonds of Torah and mitzvot are designed to be reachable goals, objectives that require a little effort but are all within the realm of the possible.  There is no need to pile on and make observance more difficult and more taxing. So I finished my final workout on our elliptical machine for 2020 feeling a bit better about myself. 

Peace,

Rav Yitz

The More My Brother Looks Like Me The Less I Understand (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "My Brother Esau")

 

          Well, it's official. The "Transition" formally began, and for the first time, President-Elect Biden received the PDB (the President's Daily Intelligence Briefing). Does this mean that Trump finally changed his mind about who won and who lost? Does this mean that during Thanksgiving dinner with his family, Trump decided it was time to treat the President-Elect with the same respect and offer the same access to information that he received when he was the President-Elect four very long years ago.  Does this mean that Trump graciously accepted defeat, and for the good of the country, will move on? Does this mean that he will stop sowing doubt about the integrity of the election and democratic norms and institutions? Does this mean that Trump will give a concessions speech and tell his followers to accept the result? My 18-year-old daughter living in Israel has two British roommates and when we speak with her, she will frequently take on a British accent and use British slang. Her response to these questions is rather succinct: "Not bloody likely",  My children incredulously remind me that we are talking about a 74-year-old man who never grew up, never learned how to fight fair, win graciously, and not behave like a sore loser. My eldest daughter reminded me that would deem any child that behaved like Trump has been behaving since the election as a spoiled brat. She quickly added that at least in the case of the child, there is still the possibility that the child would grow up and cease being a spoiled brat. Changing a personality, changing who we are, changing our core seems a rather daunting task. Several years ago, a book by Stephen Guise entitled Mini Habits: Smaller Habits Bigger Results appeared. Guise's theory is based upon Lao Tzu’s famous pearl of wisdom “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a small step”, and begins with the brutally realistic view of human nature. Guise explains change is predicated upon two ingredients: intention and overestimating competence. Big intentions and big ambitions are worthless if they don’t bring results. The lack of intended result harms and defeats the person and then he/she will eventually stop the process. Guise explains that one enormous obstacle is The Dunning-Kruger effect.  This is the cognitive bias that people generally overestimate their competencies. A person thinks that he is the smartest, has the biggest brain, or the nicest.  Since change is predicated on "self-control", Guise,  explains that usually, a person assumes more self-control, not less. and as a result of this unrealistic evaluation of our self-control and our lack of humility regarding strengths and weakness, we inadvertently place obstacles that contribute to our inability to change.

          This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds an altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally, we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s. 

          Yaakov’s trepidation prior to his reunion with his brother stems from the one unanswered question. Has Esav really changed? Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav.  VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). At first blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly, it appears that the decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother. Perhaps Esav truly changed. The plain meaning of the text suggests this. However, the text's simple meaning also appears focused upon superficial behavior, manners, social etiquette, and not upon motivation and the individual's core behaviour and instinct. Imagine not seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach; the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault instead of a loving embrace? While worrying about the hug, what happens when the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”? Is this a “kinder and gentler” Esav, or the same Esav that has been angry since the blessing and birthright “incidents”. Perhaps all these questions justify Yaakov’s trepidation during this reunion.  

          One thing is clear, after this apparently emotional reunion, Esav wants to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggests that some of his armed men should escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion)? Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my lord's eyes. VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah So Esav started back that day on his way toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah - but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen. 33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. The Torah does say whether they hugged and kissed goodbye. Rather, Esav offers to take Yaakov to Seir.  Perhaps Esav thought he was being nice. Perhaps he was trying to lull Yaakov into a trap and only to wipe out Yaakov and his family later.  Yaakov understood that while his brother’s outward behavior, his social etiquette may have changed, it was more realistic to assume that at his core, big brother Esav hadn’t changed at all, For the sake of his family's future, Yaakov felt it best to keep as far away as possible. 

           Yes, social etiquette, manners, and perhaps even strategy demanded that Yaakov and Esav hug, kiss, and even weep together, Perhaps, over the course of twenty years, each had marginally softened and mellowed. Perhaps each had become more mature and better versions of themselves. Yaakov's new name Israel and his limp suggests that he is not the same scheming Yaakov that he was all those years before. He is somehow different. However, there is nothing in the Torah that suggests that Esav has acquired the ability and the skills necessary for introspection. He remains a hunter, his focus is upon his prey, not himself. At the core, each mans is who he is. So do people change? Well, it seems that change is only possible if a person is humble about personal is brutally honest with oneself and capable of introspection and humility, doesn't overestimate strengths, and acknowledges and understands his/her weaknesses. Then the person must be inclined to embrace the effort to engage in mini habits with an eye towards big results. However, if a person never put forth an effort, always received whatever they asked for, never had to contend with failure and loss, do we really expect a person to change?

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Tonight I Would Be Thankful Lord, For Any Dreams At All (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Mission In The Rain")

           One of the most important days of the year growing up in my Western Upstate New York home was Thanksgiving. As a child, and later a college student, my family, grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousin would always gather at my parents’ home. My mother would make a traditional Thanksgiving Dinner: turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, corn muffins, coleslaw.  We would watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade, take a walk or play catch with my father, and if the weather was unusually warm (more than 10 degrees) we would go play nine holes of golf. When we finally sat down to dinner, my mother insisted that we go around the table sharing the one thing that we were most thankful for in the past year. Even while living in Toronto, our children always insist on driving to their grandparents for Thanksgiving. Whether we are there for only the day or for the long weekend, our children are always thankful for sharing that time with their grandparents.  This year will be a very different Thanksgiving. Yes, we will have the same food. However, only two of our children will be with us. My parents will remain in upstate New York. My mother-in-law will remain in California. There will be no Macy’s thanksgiving day parade.  One daughter will be in Israel, and one daughter will be with a college roommate sharing Thanksgiving dinner in New Jersey (she will arrive home on Sunday).  The pandemic has forced us to adjust our Thanksgiving expectations. So in response, we will take some time prior to eating our traditional Thanksgiving feast; we will gather on Zoom, and yes, my mother will insist that we do around sharing the one thing for which we are thankful in 2020, in this year of a pandemic, in this year of so much pain and suffering for so many.

          This week we read from Parsha VaYeitze. This week we read from Parshat VaYeitze. The focus of the narrative is upon Yaakov. Yaakov will grow up before our very eyes. He will leave home. Find a girl, get married. Actually, he will have several wives. He will get a job. He will have children, he will continue to work for his father in law and take on all the trappings of raising a family and living a middle-class life. Eventually, he will grow restless enough and realize that it is time to return home to his parents, and home to his covenantal land. 

          While we learn about Yaakov, we will also learn something about his wives: Rachel and Leah, his children, and many of the family dynamics. Yaakov is ready to become a father. Sadly his beloved Rachel is unable to conceive. However, Leah is able to conceive and gives Yaakov children even if Yaakov does not love her as he loves Rachel. VaYar Hashem Ki Snuah Leah Va’Yiftach et Rachma, V’Rachel  Akara - and Hashem saw that Leah was unloved, so he opened her womb, but Rachel remained barren. (29:31) For the next three Psukim (29:32-34), we read that Leah conceives and gives birth to sons. Leah names each son in succession and offers a reason for their name. She named the first Reuven because Hashem Ra’u- saw that she was unloved compared to Rachel. She names the second Shimon because Hashem Shama - heard that she was unloved. She named the third Levi because after three sons Yaakov will become YiLVeh - attached to her. After three sons, clearly, nothing had changed. She continued to feel unloved compared to her sister, and her husband wasn’t any more attached to her because she had given birth to these three sons. However in the fourth verse, 29:34, she conceives and gives birth to a fourth son. This time something is very different. VaTahar Od Va Teiled Ben VaTomer  Ha’PaAm Odeh et Hashem Al Kein Kra’ah Shmo Yehuda V Ta’amod Miledet - Again she conceived, and bore a son, and declared, ‘This time let me gratefully praise Hashem’ therefore she called his name Yehuda (Judah) then she stopped giving birth (29:35) Yehudah received his name because Leah understood gratitude. There was no ulterior motive, no agenda. Instead, a woman gave birth and was able to appreciate the blessing she just received: a happy healthy baby. Rashi explains that Leah understood that each of the wives was supposed to bear three sons. When Leah conceived and gave birth to a fourth son, she realized that she had received more than her share. Because she received more than her fair share she could appreciate her blessing and feel gratitude. The Talmudic Sages (ChaZaL) explains that this was the first time that anyone had demonstrated any type of gratitude towards God (Brachot 7b). Certainly, God had provided blessings and miracles prior to Leah’s giving birth a fourth time. Yet, only now she is capable of gratitude?  For Leah, according to the commentaries, gratitude is a result of a sense that one has received something beyond a fair share, beyond one’s “portion”.  This attitude contradicts the Sages who teach in Ethics of the Fathers (Pirkei Avot 4:1) that a rich person is someone who is happy with their portion. Underlying the Sages' understanding of being “rich” and of being “happy” is the idea that the person has gratitude for his/her portion. 

          Leah was blessed to have not one but four sons in those four Psukim. However, she didn’t feel blessed, she didn’t feel “rich”, or “happy” until she was able to express her gratitude by naming the fourth son Yehuda. The irony wasn’t lost on her sister, Rachel. She would have been thankful to give birth to one son, let alone four. Leah needed to give birth four times before she could get past her pain, and appreciate what she did have. Indeed, there has been discomfort, and pain during this past year. Our picture of Thanksgiving, of a multigenerational family gathering together to share a meal and giving thanks, had to be altered. This year, the thankfulness is distilled into the simplest level of gratitude. We are all thankful for health, for being able to share even this moment, even if it’s remote, with our loved ones. Sometimes having gratitude for even the smallest stuff gives us a bit of perspective in terms of what is most important.

Peace,

Rav Yitz 

The More My Brother Looks Like Me The Less I Understand (John Barlow & Bob Weir- "My Brother Esau")

           With her candidate’s campaign now complete, our daughter needed a rest. When we spoke about her post-campaign plans, I suggested that a two-week quarantine with unlimited wifi, meals served, no chores, access to exercise equipment, cable television, free laundry, and a coffee maker might permit her to relax, catch up on some sleep, as well as her friends. All the while she could professionally network.  By the time her quarantine would end, she could celebrate her birthday and celebrate U.S. Thanksgiving. For our son, his eldest sister’s presence would mean that he wouldn’t be the only child home while we celebrated American Thanksgiving. So, with an opportunity to quarantine, relax, and celebrate her birthday and Thanksgiving with at least one of her siblings,  our eldest daughter arrived home. Thankfully she feels fine.  During her quarantine, our other daughters, (University of Maryland and Israel) have called the two siblings who are here in Toronto. They have had several Whatsapp group video calls. We, the parents,  love watching the four of them speak together or video chat together. As I watch them and listen, I am amazed by their similarities and their differences. I am always amazed that these four nearly adult children who grew up in the same are four different personalities and different perspectives on the world. 

          This week, we read from Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any more different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. Yaakov is concerned with the Birthright, receiving blessings, and the spiritual world. Esav is concerned with eating, drinking, hunting, and the physical world. We learn that just like his father who experienced a famine in the land, Yitzchak also experienced a famine in the land. Unlike his father, Yitzchak doesn’t depart from the land but rather remains there, growing wealthy. Instead, Yitzchak re-opens the wells that had gone dry in his father’s day. The narrative then re-focuses upon Yitzchak and his family. Yitzchak, sensing his imminent death, wants to bless Esav. Rivka overhears this and tells Yaakov to pose as Esav in order to receive the blessing. Yaakov listens to his mother and dresses as Esav. Yaakov receives Yitzchak’s blessing. Esav discovers that he lost out on the blessing and he threatens to kill Yaakov. The Parsha concludes with Rivka telling Jacob to go to her brother’s home. She explains to  Yitzchak that Yaakov needs to leave home in order to find a wife. Prior to his departure, Yitzchak wants to bless Yitzchak.  So, prior to his departure Yaakov receives his the blessing of the Brit, the Covenant that God made with Avraham and Yitzchak. This covenantal blessing was never intended for Esav.  Yaakov leaves home. Esav moves away as well and decides to dwell with his uncle Ishmael among the Canaanites.

Two boys grew up in the same home with the same parents and instilled with the same values, went to the same day school, participated in the same extracurricular activities, and shared the same Bar Mitzvah date. Although the parents disagreed as to who was going to be “successful”; by the end of the Parsha, it is quite clear that the blessing that Yitzchak gave Yaakov prior to Yaakov’s departure was always intended for Yaakov. So to some extent, both parents agreed as to who was the rightful inheritor of the Abrahamic Covenant. Right or wrong, the parents had definite opinions about their sons’, their abilities, and their future success.  Much of that opinion is based upon how each child responds to life’s stimuli. The Torah doesn’t really tell us much about their respective youth, Va’Yigdalu HaN’Arim, “And the boys grew up.” (Gen25: 27) R’ Levi said: At first they were like myrtle and a wild rose growing side by side. But when they grew up the former yielded to its natural fragrance, and the latter its thorns. So, for the first thirteen years, both Yaakov and Esav went to school and came home from school. But at the end of thirteen years, one went to houses of study and the other to shrines of idolatry.” (Genesis Rabbah 63:10). The Sifsei Chachamim clarifies that until their Bar Mitzvah, they were nearly identical. However, after their Bar Mitzvah, essential differences became evident. By the time they reached Bar Mitzvah, they now can begin to formulate their own opinions, develop their own attitudes, respond to their likes and dislikes. By the time the boys reach Bar Mitzvah, the parents can see a personality develop and take root. 

          As parents, we always think our perceptions of our children are the best indicators of an outcome.  However, it would appear that parents’ perceptions are not always based upon the context at the time but rather upon an ideal. From Yitzchak’s perspective Esav was a fine son, and worthy of a blessing because he meticulously fulfilled the value of Kibud Av – Respecting the father.  However, as meticulous as Esav was about that particular value, it did not make him fit for The Covenantal  Blessing. Children grow up in the same home but they respond to the stimuli differently, they have different interests, passions, and experiences outside the home which also influence, shape, and stimulate. As parents, perhaps all we can do is leave our arms, homes, and minds open to our children, praising them when they work hard at becoming the best possible version of themselves, and kvelling when they accomplish this.

Peace, 

Rav Yitz 

There is none except for you. Except for you I swear to it on my very soul (Robert Hunter &Jerry Garcia - "Reuben and Cerise")

          Our family spent the past week visiting family on the West Coast. While on vacation, one of the common and frequent morning questions came from my wife. Approximately 20-30 minutes after our son woke up, she would remind him to put on his Tefillin (Phylacteries) and daven Shacharit (recite the morning service). Our son wouldn’t respond. Several minutes would pass and my wife would ask “Have you started to Daven?” Again, she did not hear a response. Several more minutes would pass by and our son would walk by en route to doing whatever he decided was the morning routine while on vacation: eat breakfast, play with his cousin, or whatever fifteen-year-old teenager does in the morning while on vacation. As our son would walk by, or even enter the room where his mother was, she would look up at him and this time, express her frustration with our son because he has not only failed to put his Tefillin and daven but hasn’t acknowledged his mother and her numerous requests to do so. As our son leaves and returns to whatever he was in the midst of doing prior to his mother’s requests; my wife looks at me and says: “you’re his father, aren’t you going to tell him to put on his tefillin and daven? Why do I have to tell him?” I smile and remind her that he is fifteen, he has been putting on tefillin for nearly 2 ½ years. He knows how to put it on, he knows when to put it on, he knows how to daven Shacharit, and most importantly he intellectually understands that he is MeChayeiv (obligated) according to Halacha (Jewish Law) to daven. At some point, we must refrain from reminding and hocking him to fulfill this and any other ritual obligations. Rather, he must learn to come to this moment on his own volition, and not because his mother or father asked, cajoled, complained or yelled at him. In the long run, there is a better chance of observing and fulfilling his obligations because he holds by his halachic obligations rather than his parents holding him to those obligations. Needless to say, my wife isn’t very happy with my apparent laissez-faire attitude.
          This morning we read from Parsha Vayechi. This is the final Parsha in the book of Breishit. The Parsha begins with Yaakov calling Yosef and making him swear an oath that he will not be buried in Egypt. He also blesses his grandson’s Ephraim and Menashe. He gathers his sons together and offers each son a blessing or a prophecy. Yaakov dies and his sons take him out of Egypt and fulfill their vow. They bury their father in Heron alongside Avraham and Yitzchak and Sarah Rebecca and Leah. Afterward, the brothers fear that Yosef will finally take vengeance for their mistreatment of him. Yosef doesn’t, and the brothers and their families continue to grow and prosper in Goshen. As Yosef prepares for his death, he makes his brothers vow to take his bones out of Egypt and bury his bones in Eretz Canaan.
          Yaakov’s final dying wish is to be buried in Canaan, in the Caves of the Machpela with his ancestors, Avraham/Sarah, Yitzchak/Rivka and his wife Leah. Yaakov shares this wish with Yosef. Given his position within Egypt, Yosef would be the most likely of the sons who could arrange to fulfill Yaakov’s wish. After sharing his final wish with his beloved son Yosef; Yaakov asks Yosef to swear to him that he will carry out this final wish. To demonstrate one’s “swearing a vow,” Yaakov tells Yosef: Im Nah Matzati Chein M’Einecha If now I have found grace in your eyes Sim Nah Yadcha Tachat Yereichi put, I pray of you, your hand beneath my thigh v’Asita Imadi Chesed v’Emet –and deal kindly and truthfully with me. However, Yosef does not do as his father asks; Yosef does not put his hand beneath his father’s thigh as an indication of swearing an oath. Rather, Vayomer [Yosef] said, Anochi Eseh Chidvarecha – I personally will do as you said. Yaakov, sensing his son’s hesitation, asks Yosef to swear that he will fulfill the request. Finally, Yosef acquiesces and swears an oath to fulfill his father’s request.
          Why does Yosef hesitate? The text clearly conveys that Yosef did not make a “vow” to Yaakov when first asked. Yosef did not immediately put his hand beneath his father’s thigh as an indication of making a vow. Yosef did not immediately say “I swear to bury you with your ancestors”. Why doesn’t Yaakov’s favorite son swear to his father this last dying favor? What kind of son doesn’t swear an oath if asked by his dying father to do so if it means peace of mind and a soul at peace for his father? Yosef’s first answer indicates that he will look after the request personally. Midrash explains the difference between Avraham’s servant’s behavior and Yosef’s behavior: HaEved Asa K’Avadoto Uven Chorin Asah K’Chiruto – Rabbi Yitzchak said: The servant acted like a servant and the free man acted as a free man, The servant acted like a servant, as it says ‘And the servant put his hand beneath his [Avraham’s] thigh; While the freeman acted as a free person: ‘And he said, I will do as you said’’. As a free individual, Yosef is only bound by his conscience. He is free to question. The servant, on the other hand, has no such ability. He is bound to fulfill his obligations whether forced or unforced. The Malbim, the 17th-century commentator explains that Yosef was acting as a son should. Yosef was trying to act out of filial responsibility, based upon his own free will rather than a servant who is bound by oaths.
          There are moments where one’s own volition is not enough to fulfill a final wish. Yaakov makes Yosef swear the oath because he wants Yosef to acknowledge an authority greater than his own. He also wants Yosef to acknowledge an authority greater than Pharaoh. Yaakov wanted Yosef to be completely powerless and act solely on behalf of his father. Under normal circumstances, according to ChaZaL – our Talmudic sages of Blessed Memory, the acceptance of Torah and its commandments are an acknowledgment and acceptance of an external authority greater than ourselves. Intrinsic to that acceptance is a humbling awareness that we are not all that powerful or in control of every aspect of life. Of course, as our son hears me explain that the less she reminds him, the greater the chance that he will eventually choose and then obligate himself. Of course, by obligating himself he is ultimately establishing a relationship with God and obligating himself to God and not his mother nor me. It is part of the growing up process. For me, watching my son grow up to wholeheartedly accept and fulfill these ritual obligations brings me comfort that his mother and I have done something right. Growing up to be a mentsch, a kind, and decent person is perhaps the greatest kindness that our son and his three sisters could bestow upon their mother and me.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

Am I Living Truth Or Rank Deceiver (Gerrit Graham & Bob Weir - "Victim Or The Crime")

Every so often, someone in our home becomes keenly aware of the cultural differences between growing up in Toronto and growing up in New Jersey or California. Most of the time these cultural differences are cute little idiosyncrasies. Once in a while they are enormous cultural clashes that leave us feeling as if we are caught between the proverbial “rock and a hard place”.  Such a cultural clash occurred as our 17 year old took her standardized tests that are required by most U.S. universities and colleges. Such standardized tests are not required by any school that we are aware of in Ontario. These standardized tests have been a part of the U.S. educational fabric since the 1920’s. Indeed, they are a rite of passage. Not some rite of passage based upon symbolic ritual, but a rite of passage that, from the person going through it, can make or break dreams of acceptance into a desired college or university. Growing up with the standardized test as part of the High School experience, high school offer programs to help students prepare and guidance counselors offer students coping mechanisms to help them deal with the stress, and students, if they can afford it, take a course and learn how to take the test. However, as I reminded our daughter, just as my parents reminded me, that standardized tests are not a measure of the content of one’s character nor are these tests an indication of whether the person is a kind, decent, mentsche.   

This week’s Torah portion is VaYigash.  The confrontation between Yosef and his brothers is about to occur. The Parshah begins with Yehudah approaching his brother Yosef, whom he does not recognize, and pleads for Benjamin’s freedom.  Yosef reveals his identity and the brothers hug and kiss each other. They cry and they forgive each other. Yosef asks about his father’s welfare. The brother’s return to their father, Yaakov, and tell him that Yosef is alive. The brothers add that everyone, the entire clan, should go down to Egypt. So this clan, including: Jacob, the brothers, their wives and children, heads down to Egypt. Yaakov meets Pharaoh. Yosef’s family is given a parcel of land outside of Egypt in a place called Goshen, where they can tend to their flocks. Yaakov is re-united with his beloved Yosef in the land of Goshen.

For the ChaZaL, the Sages of Blessed Memory, the Sages of the Talmud, the confrontation between Yosef, the second most powerful man in Egypt, and Yehudah, the leader of the Yaakov’s sons; the confrontation is much more than just two brothers meeting up after a couple of decades. For ChaZaL, the word VaYiGaSh refers to Yehudah girding himself for war. Remember, Yehudah does not yet know the identity of the man standing before him. For all Yehudah knows, this man, who looks Egyptian, dresses Egyptian, and speaks Egyptian embodies the most powerful empire and the most dominant culture in the world. However, according to the Or HaChayim that is not the plain meaning of the word. The Or HaChayim explains that if Yehudah was “girding himself for war” then he would not have spoken so respectfully and politely to Yosef: Bi Adoni “if it pleases my lord”. Nor would Yehudah be concerned with antagonizing Yosef’s anger. Instead,  Yehudah’s approaches Egypt’s second in command not girded for war but confidently approaches bypassing guards and advisors and manages to speak quietly and privately into the minister’s ear. Make no mistake, when Yehudah tells the minister that he is just like Pharaoh, when he speaks truth to power, Yehudah does it in a whisper, privately, without causing embarrassment to second most powerful man in the Egyptian empire. Yehudah’s approach to Joseph was based upon several factors. First, he felt a deep sense of responsibility for his brother Benjamin. Second, he felt a deep sense of responsibility and commitment to his father. Third, he felt a deep sense of respect of the power and authority of the man standing before him and what that man represented.  As a result, Yehudah had to project the perfect blend of strength and humility. He had to speak politely yet forcefully. Most of all he had to make sure that that he wouldn’t embarrass the second most powerful man in the Egyptian empire. Only after this confrontation was Yosef able to reveal himself, and his character to the brothers. Only then could he reveal the fact that he had no desire for retribution, no animosity but rather only joy, relief and concern.

Character is revealed in a myriad of ways, but a standardized test is not one of them.  Rather character might be revealed by speaking forcefully without demeaning or embarrassing the other. Character might be revealed by showing forgiveness. Indeed, the tension and the confrontation between Yehuda and Yosef, perceived by the Sages to foreshadow the mystical tension between Israel and Egypt, quickly dissipated once Yosef revealed his identity. Only by revealing his identity and making himself vulnerable; was Joseph able to show the content of his character, the contentment in his soul rather than a desire for retribution. As I picked up our daughter from that very difficult day, I explained to her that just by sitting for the exam; college admissions people learned more about her as a person than some score. Buoyed by the experience and knowing that she could get through it; she already wanted to know the next opportunity to write the test just in case her scores were not satisfactory enough.

Peace,

Rav Yitz