Now I Live In Fear Of Waking Up Each Morning (Don Rollins - "The Race Is On")

          I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I wake up, a bit anxious, and worried. So I get out of bed, head downstairs,  sip some tea, and look out at the night sky.   While looking at the stars, I find myself thinking about my aging parents and their health. I think about my children and where they are in their lives. I think about how to afford college tuition, and pay for an upcoming wedding. I look at the stars and think about where I am in my life, where I am in my career and the anxiety of working and earning a paycheck.  As I continue to look out into the night sky and sip my tea, I am reassured that we all go through a period of time where we struggle with the existential angst of life. For some reason, it occurs late at night while everyone else sleeps soundly.

          This Shabbat we read from Parsha Vayishlach. Yaakov and his family prepare to return to Yaakov’s home. However, they will first need to deal with an almost twenty-year grudge held by Esav. Yaakov will hope for the best and prepare for the worst as he prepares to meet his brother.  After their short reunion, Yaakov makes his way back to his ancestral lands. His mother passes away. He is blessed with another son, Benjamin, born to his wife Rachel. However, she dies in childbirth. His daughter, Dinah, has an illicit relationship with the prince of Shechem. According to the text, she is rendered “impure” and her brothers wipe out the prince and his village. Yaakov’s name is changed to Yisroel. God blessed Yaakov within the context of the covenant made with Avraham and Yitzchok. Yaakov’s blessing includes children, land, and wealth, all of the things that God promised to Yaakov’s grandfather – Avraham. The Parsha concludes with Yaakov and Esav seeing each other one last time in order to bury their father Yitzchok, and then we read the final psukim: a list of Esav’s descendants down to grandchildren.

           Parsha VaYishlach is replete with dramatic moments. Arguably among the most dramatic moments occurs the night before Yaakov meets his brother Esav after a 20-year feud, a moment in which  Yaakov’s life is forever changed.  VaYivater Yaakov L’Vado, VaYei’avek Ish Imo Ad A lot HaShachar – Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn.  VaYar Ki Lo Yachol Lo VYiga B’Chaf Yereicho VaTeikah Kaf Yerech Yaakov  B’Hei’Avko Imo – When he perceived that he could not overcome him, he struck the socket of his hip; so Jacob’s hip socket was dislocated as he wrestled with him.  VaYomer Shalcheini Ki Alah Hashachar Vayomer Lo Ashaleichecha Ki Im Beiractani – Then he said, “Let me go, for dawn has broken. “ And he said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” Vayomer Eilav Mah Shemecha VaYomer Yaakov – and he said to him, “what is your name” and he said “Jacob”. Vayomer Lo Yaakov Yei’Amar Od Shimcha Ki Im Yisroel Ki Sarita Im Elohim V’Im Anashim Vatuchal – He said, “No longer will it be said that your name is Jacob, but Israel, for you fought with the Divine and with man and have overcome.”  (Gen 32:25-29)  So if Yaakov was left alone, with whom did he wrestle?  The Torah tells us he wrestled with a man, however by the end of this brief narrative, Yaakov is asking the man to bless him.  There is no consensus among the classical commentators known as The M’forshim. Explanations attempting to define the “man” range from an angel, an angel of Esav, or an angel in the form of man. The language of the wrestling match only uses the Hebrew word “Hu” – in English "he". The Torah tells us that he held on, he didn’t let go, he blessed him, “he” wrestled with him. Yaakov’s name is only mentioned when his hip is pulled out of the joint, and Yaakov is about to be renamed. A more modern and psychologically aware understanding suggests that the “man” is Yaakov. Yaakov is struggling with himself. The reality is, During his sleepless night, during his “mid-life crisis” and his “moment of clarity”; Yaakov struggled with himself, and eventually Yaakov will accept his relationship with God and a sense of purpose in his life. This does not mean his life will be easier. It just means that Yaakov, with this renewed sense of purpose and identity, will be able to deal with all the troubles and heartache that are involved in living life.

          Yes, there have been more nights when my sleep is interrupted by worry and anxiety. Indeed, there are more worries, and there are more things that feel beyond my control.  There are more times that I worry about the direction of my life and whether this is the right path. No, we don’t necessarily have our hips pulled out of joint when we wake up in the middle of the night with this existential angst.  However, transitions can be filled with anxiety. It probably causes wrinkles and definitely causes gray hair. However, those struggles can serve a purpose. Those struggles can lead us to moments of clarity, and we understand that our lives do have a purpose, and our families will be ok and everything will be all right.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

Esau Tried To Build A World, A Marvelous Disguise (Barlow, Weir - My Brother Esau)

A few days ago I conducted a funeral. While meeting with the family prior to the Levayah (funeral), I was asked if I believed that people change. Certainly, Judaism is pretty clear about the possibility of change. Because Judaism is behaviorally based and not dogmatically based, we believe that if the behavior changes, then ultimately the individual will change. Among the most prevalent themes of the Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) is the notion that we are capable of changing our behavior, changing ourselves, improving ourselves and becoming better versions of ourselves. Certainly, I want to believe that, and as a Rabbi that is my first response. However I don’t think it is so simple. Tshuvah, repentance, real Tshuvah, according to the RaMBaM is incredibly difficult. Changing behavior is incredibly difficult, changing a personality is all but impossible. So while our tradition speaks of from a conceptual f framework that change is possible for people; I think that “change” is something that occurs at the margins. The core of a person is not as susceptible to change. Maybe, when we talk about a person has changed over the years; the change is really at the margins. However at the core, deep down in the soul, that person is still very much the same, he or she has figured out how to live with what is at their core, how to sublimate the energy that is at the core into something positive, or not.

This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds and altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s.

Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav. VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). Certainly at first blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly it appears that the decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother. It appears that Esav has changed. The plain meaning of the text suggests this. However, the plain text, the simple meaning is focused upon behavior, upon the margins and not at the core.

Imagine not seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach; the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault instead of a loving embrace? While wondering about the hug, what happens when the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”? Yet all these questions were cause for Yaakov’s trepidation during this reunion.

One thing is clear however, the narrative concludes with Esav first expressing a desire to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggest that some of his armed men should escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion), Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my Lords eyes. VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah So Esav started back that day on his way toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen. 33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. They don’t hug and kiss each other good bye, or at least the Torah text doesn’t tell us that they hugged and kissed each other good bye. Rather there is an offer by Esav to take Yaakov to Seir. Perhaps Esav thought he was being nice, perhaps he was trying to lull Yaakov into a trap and planned to wipe out Yaakov and his family later. What we do know is that Yaakov understood that while his brother’s outward behavior may or may not have changed, Yaakov realized that his family’s future was best served by staying as far away as possible from his brother. Yes, at first blush it was so easy for Yaakov and Esav to hug and kiss each other, to weep together.

At the margins perhaps they each had softened a bit, perhaps they had become better versions of themselves. However, at their respective cores, they both understood that for the sake of themselves, and their descendents, it is better that each acknowledges the other and then lives separately from each other. So I told the daughter, “No, I do not think people really change.” I explained that we are all capable at changing our behavior. However at our core, we are who we are. Our task is to channel our behavior and to follow the path that allows us to be the best version of ourselves. Our task is to follow our respective life’s path like Yaakov Avinu.

Peace,

Rav Yitz