Now I Live In Fear Of Waking Up Each Morning (Don Rollins - "The Race Is On")

          I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I wake up, a bit anxious, and worried. So I get out of bed, head downstairs,  sip some tea, and look out at the night sky.   While looking at the stars, I find myself thinking about my aging parents and their health. I think about my children and where they are in their lives. I think about how to afford college tuition, and pay for an upcoming wedding. I look at the stars and think about where I am in my life, where I am in my career and the anxiety of working and earning a paycheck.  As I continue to look out into the night sky and sip my tea, I am reassured that we all go through a period of time where we struggle with the existential angst of life. For some reason, it occurs late at night while everyone else sleeps soundly.

          This Shabbat we read from Parsha Vayishlach. Yaakov and his family prepare to return to Yaakov’s home. However, they will first need to deal with an almost twenty-year grudge held by Esav. Yaakov will hope for the best and prepare for the worst as he prepares to meet his brother.  After their short reunion, Yaakov makes his way back to his ancestral lands. His mother passes away. He is blessed with another son, Benjamin, born to his wife Rachel. However, she dies in childbirth. His daughter, Dinah, has an illicit relationship with the prince of Shechem. According to the text, she is rendered “impure” and her brothers wipe out the prince and his village. Yaakov’s name is changed to Yisroel. God blessed Yaakov within the context of the covenant made with Avraham and Yitzchok. Yaakov’s blessing includes children, land, and wealth, all of the things that God promised to Yaakov’s grandfather – Avraham. The Parsha concludes with Yaakov and Esav seeing each other one last time in order to bury their father Yitzchok, and then we read the final psukim: a list of Esav’s descendants down to grandchildren.

           Parsha VaYishlach is replete with dramatic moments. Arguably among the most dramatic moments occurs the night before Yaakov meets his brother Esav after a 20-year feud, a moment in which  Yaakov’s life is forever changed.  VaYivater Yaakov L’Vado, VaYei’avek Ish Imo Ad A lot HaShachar – Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn.  VaYar Ki Lo Yachol Lo VYiga B’Chaf Yereicho VaTeikah Kaf Yerech Yaakov  B’Hei’Avko Imo – When he perceived that he could not overcome him, he struck the socket of his hip; so Jacob’s hip socket was dislocated as he wrestled with him.  VaYomer Shalcheini Ki Alah Hashachar Vayomer Lo Ashaleichecha Ki Im Beiractani – Then he said, “Let me go, for dawn has broken. “ And he said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” Vayomer Eilav Mah Shemecha VaYomer Yaakov – and he said to him, “what is your name” and he said “Jacob”. Vayomer Lo Yaakov Yei’Amar Od Shimcha Ki Im Yisroel Ki Sarita Im Elohim V’Im Anashim Vatuchal – He said, “No longer will it be said that your name is Jacob, but Israel, for you fought with the Divine and with man and have overcome.”  (Gen 32:25-29)  So if Yaakov was left alone, with whom did he wrestle?  The Torah tells us he wrestled with a man, however by the end of this brief narrative, Yaakov is asking the man to bless him.  There is no consensus among the classical commentators known as The M’forshim. Explanations attempting to define the “man” range from an angel, an angel of Esav, or an angel in the form of man. The language of the wrestling match only uses the Hebrew word “Hu” – in English "he". The Torah tells us that he held on, he didn’t let go, he blessed him, “he” wrestled with him. Yaakov’s name is only mentioned when his hip is pulled out of the joint, and Yaakov is about to be renamed. A more modern and psychologically aware understanding suggests that the “man” is Yaakov. Yaakov is struggling with himself. The reality is, During his sleepless night, during his “mid-life crisis” and his “moment of clarity”; Yaakov struggled with himself, and eventually Yaakov will accept his relationship with God and a sense of purpose in his life. This does not mean his life will be easier. It just means that Yaakov, with this renewed sense of purpose and identity, will be able to deal with all the troubles and heartache that are involved in living life.

          Yes, there have been more nights when my sleep is interrupted by worry and anxiety. Indeed, there are more worries, and there are more things that feel beyond my control.  There are more times that I worry about the direction of my life and whether this is the right path. No, we don’t necessarily have our hips pulled out of joint when we wake up in the middle of the night with this existential angst.  However, transitions can be filled with anxiety. It probably causes wrinkles and definitely causes gray hair. However, those struggles can serve a purpose. Those struggles can lead us to moments of clarity, and we understand that our lives do have a purpose, and our families will be ok and everything will be all right.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

Standing On The Moon, Where Talk Is Cheap And Vision True (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Standing On The Moon")

           Maybe it’s me, but I think that elected officials should only use social media when they are being “social”. Using social media to introduce a new policy, to emote, gloat, complain, chastise,  intimidate, slander, fire, or make public pronouncements without the scrutiny of the non-fake, non-conspiracy-oriented news media places too much emphasis on the “media” and not enough emphasis on the “social”.  If an elected official would like to use social media to be “social”, to show us social aspects of his/her life, funny incidents that occurred, a cute family picture with greater emphasis upon the “social” of “social media” then,  by all means, use social media. With a greater emphasis upon the “social”, the elected official appears like the rest of us, more approachable and ordinary.  With a greater emphasis upon “Media”, the elected official creates a more toxic and dangerous way to govern and a more toxic and dangerous way to exercise authority. By placing a greater emphasis upon the “Media” and not the “Social” the elected official demeans the office,  violates the public trust, corrupts the nature of being a public service, and indicates a shortcoming in character and public discourse.

This week’s Torah portion is VaYigash.  The confrontation between Yosef and his brothers is about to occur. The Parshah begins with Yehudah approaching his brother Yosef, whom he does not recognize, and pleads for Benjamin’s freedom.  Yosef reveals his identity, and the brothers hug and kiss each other. They cry and they forgive each other. Yosef asks about his father’s welfare. The brothers return to their father, Yaakov, and tell him that Yosef is alive. The brothers add that everyone, the entire clan, should go down to Egypt. So this clan, including Jacob, the brothers, their wives, and children, heads down to Egypt. Yaakov meets Pharaoh. Yosef’s family is given a parcel of land outside of Egypt in a place called Goshen, where they can tend to their flocks. Yaakov is reunited with his beloved Yosef in the land of Goshen.

For the ChaZaL, the Talmudic Sages of Blessed Memory,  the confrontation between Yosef, the second most powerful man in Egypt, and Yehudah, the leader of Yaakov’s sons; represents something much more than just two brothers meeting up after a couple of decades. For ChaZaL, the word VaYiGaSh refers to Yehudah girding himself for war. Remember, Yehudah does not yet know the identity of the man standing before him. For all Yehudah knows, this man, who looks Egyptian, dresses Egyptian, and speaks Egyptian embodies the most powerful empire and the most dominant culture in the world. However, according to the Or HaChayim, the 18th-century Morrocan commentator, suggests that “girding for war” is not the plain meaning of the word VaYiGaSh. Rather the Or HaChayim explains that if Yehudah was “girding himself for war” then he would not have spoken so respectfully and politely to Yosef: Bi Adoni “if it pleases my lord”. Nor would Yehudah be concerned with publicly antagonizing Yosef’s anger. Instead, Yehuda directly approaches Egypt’s Second Command,  bypassing his guards and advisors, and manages to speak quietly and privately into the minister’s ear. Make no mistake, when Yehudah tells the minister that Pharoah’s Second in Command is just like Pharaoh, it is meant as an indictment and insult. Indeed, Yehuda speaks truth to power; he does so in a whisper, privately, without causing embarrassment to the second most powerful man in the Egyptian empire. Yehudah’s approached Yosef so as not to publicly embarrass or anger him for several reasons. First, he felt a deep sense of responsibility for his brother Benjamin. Second, he felt a deep sense of responsibility and commitment to his father.  So Yehuda felt obligated and compelled to approach Yosef, however, he could not approach in a meek subservient manner. Third, he felt a deep sense of respect for the power and authority of the man standing before him and what that man represented.  As a result, Yehudah had to project the perfect blend of strength and humility. He had to speak politely yet forcefully. Most of all he had to make sure that he wouldn’t embarrass the second most powerful man in the Egyptian empire. Only after this confrontation was Yosef able to reveal himself, and his character to the brothers.  Only then could he reveal the fact that he had no desire for retribution, no animosity but rather only joy, relief, and concern.

Character, both individual and national manifests in a myriad of ways. In today’s day and age,  Character is routinely revealed in the public discourse on social media. However, more often than not, we learn more about the character of the person that posts, than the subject matter or the person about whom the poster posts. Indeed, the tension and the confrontation between Yehuda and Yosef, as perceived by the Sages to demonstrate the mystical tension between Israel and Egypt. This tension quickly dissipated once Yosef revealed his identity. Only by revealing his identity and making himself vulnerable; was Joseph able to show the content of his character, the contentment in his soul rather than a desire for retribution. Yehuda confronted Yosef, prior to announcing his identity, in a private quiet manner. Yosef revealed his identity to his brothers only when they were alone. Imagine what social discourse, cancel culture and public shaming would look like if Yehuda was more publicly demonstrative and putting greater emphasis upon the ”social” instead of the “media”.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

And The Old Man Never Was The Same Again ( Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia "Brown Eyed Women")

As we are on holiday, driving from Toronto to the New York metropolitan area, we always make a series of stops. We stop in Rochester to visit grandparents and a 96 year old great grandfather. We stop in New Jersey in order to visit friends. We go into the New York to visit with a sister her husband and their daughter, back to New Jersey for to visit other friends and finally a back to Rochester and then onto Toronto.  While we have just arrived in New Jersey during a snow storm, we just experienced a rather difficult moment with my 96 year old grandfather who is suffering from dementia. We arrived at the Jewish Home and went to his room. I gently woke him and I identified myself using my name and how I was related to him. Then once he was awake and lucid I brought my wife and three children into his room. He looked at my wife, he looked at me straining to recognize us; trying to figure out we were and how we are connected to him. Then he looked at our children and said “tell me who you are and how you are related to me”.  Each child dutifully stated their name and then told him that “I am your great grandchild”. My wife introduced herself and then I told him who I was and then added that “I have been your grandson for nearly 50 years.” For the next 20 minutes, we made some chit chat with my grandfather and continued re-introducing ourselves to him. No there was no light switch that went on; no clear connection was ever made

This week we read from Parsha VaYechi.  Yaakov Avinu feels that death is imminent. He feels compelled to bless Yosef’s sons. Then he asks Yosef to promise him that he, Yaakov will be buried back in Hevron with his mother, father, grandfather and grandmother. Then Yaakov calls in his son’s and begins blessing each son. He tells them what he had been told by Hashem. He shares with them the impending slavery, the ultimate redemption and the return to their covenantal land. Yaakov passed away. True to his word, Yosef arranged to have his father buried in Hebron. With help from his brothers, Yosef and his brothers brought Yaakov back to Hevron, bury him and return to Egypt. The Parsha concludes with the brothers and Yosef dying but not until we are told that Yosef managed to see his great grandchildren.

Certainly the passing of generations can certainly be construed as a sad, and in this Parsha there is not only the death of Yaakov but also the passing of the next generation, Yosef and his son’s. However there is something quite comforting in the fact that in this final parsha of Breishit, we see the first interaction between grandparents and grandchildren. It is the first time that we read about a great grandfather look out onto his great grandchildren and enjoying the satisfaction that comes with knowing that they have created and left a legacy. So when Yaakov tells Yosef: V’Atah Shnei Vanecha HaNoladim Lecha B’Aretz Mitzrayim Ad Bo’I Eilecha Mitzraymah Li Heim Efrayim U’Menashe K’Reuvein V’Shimon Yeheyu Li – And now your two sons, who were born to you in the land of Egypt before I came to you to Egypt, are mine. Efrayim and Menashe like Reuven, and Shimon shall be mine (Gen. 48:5). Clearly Yaakov knows who Yosef’s sons are. Not only that, but Yaakov readily acknowledges that he will now consider these grandchildren as his sons.  Three psukim later we learn VaYar Yisroel et Bnai Yosef Va’Yoemer Mi Eilah- Israel saw Yosef’s sons, and said ‘who are these’?  (Gen. 48-8) So what happened? Yaakov knew who Yosef’s sons were but the same man; three verses later forgot who Yosef’s sons were? Is this the first case of dementia or Alzheimer’s in the Torah? Why does Yaakov know who Yosef’s sons are but the Israel version of Yaakov doesn’t know who Yosef’s sons are? The Midrash explains that when the boys approached their dying grandfather, he wasn’t looking only at them but looking past them. He was looking into the future, past slavery in Egypt, past the return to Eretz Canaan, and to the era of Kings. Israel saw the kings of the future that came from Efrayim and Menashe and the continued deterioration of the covenant that God made with Yaakov.

Yaakov spent his life always clinging, clinging to Esav, clinging to Lavan, clinging to an angel/man during a wrestling match, cling to God, and now in his final moments, Yaakov views thinks that his life will live on in his son’s and his grandsons. Yaakov sees in his grandsons and opportunity for a brief second chance as a father. Israel doesn’t cling and grasp onto things. Israel wrestles with God and was victorious. Israel is decisive, Israel has a singular objective: insure the future of the covenant. With his grandchildren and great children about to begin their descent into slavery and his knowledge that there will be numerous times when later generations will violate the covenant, Israel hesitates to give his blessing. Israel switches his hands; Israel shows favoritism towards the grandsons. However this is not favoritism based on loving one more than the other. This is a favoritism based upon the cold stark truth of which child is best suited for insuring the survival of Israel’s values and ethical code.

When it was time to leave my grandfather, he looked at me and said “you have a beautiful family.” I leaned over to him and said “they are your family”. There was another blank look and then said, “well, if you say so.”  We said good bye and I told him “I say so.” That was probably the closest thing to a blessing that I will ever hear from him again.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Oh Well a Touch of Grey Kind of Suits You Anyway ( Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia "Touch of Grey")

Our eldest daughter is home visiting for a few weeks. The last time we saw her was this past August.  When she arrived home and was sitting with her sisters and brother, she commented on  how gray my hair had become over the past 3 ½ months. Her siblings agreed explaining that the graying was occurring at a quicker rate. While everyone had a nice little chuckle at my expense, our eldest daughter looked up and asked if I have been worrying more than usual.  “Well there are the usual things that I always worry about, life's regular stresses: raising kids, a newly bought home, a bat mitzvah, work and marriage.” Then I explained that there are all the other things that cause me to wake up in the middle of the night in a worried, anxious sweat. “You know, the big existential anxiety ridden things that cause one to have sleepless nights,  life, death, the quality of life and the quality of death,  what am I doing with my life, how am I going to pay for day school, college and weddings, you know the stuff that a middle age person wrestles with.” Then I tried to cheer her up by telling her that she is twenty five years from having to deal with this stuff. Make no mistake about it, we all go through a period of time where we struggle with the existential angst of life, and for some reason it occurs late at night while everyone else sleeps soundly.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Vayishlach. Yaakov and his family prepare to return to Yaakov’s home. However they will first need to deal with an almost twenty year grudge held by Esav. Yaakov will hope for the best and prepare for the worst as he prepares to meet his brother.  After their short reunion, Yaakov makes his way back to his ancestral lands. His mother passes away. He is blessed with another son, Benjamin, born to his wife Rachel. However she dies in childbirth. His daughter, Dinah, has an illicit relationship with a prince of Shechem. According to the text, she is rendered “impure” and her brothers wipe out the prince and his village. Yaakov’s name is changed to Yisroel. God blessed Yaakov  within the context of the covenant made with Avraham and Yitzchok. Yaakov’s blessing includes, children, land and wealth, all of the things that God promised to Yaakov’s grandfather – Avraham. The Parsha concludes Yaakov and Esav seeing each other one last time in order to bury their father Yitzchok, and then we read the final psukim: a list of Esav’s descendants down to grandchildren.

The parsha is replete with dramatic moments. However the brief narrative about Yaakov’s night prior to his first meeting with Esav, offers us a life changing moment in Yaakov’s life.  VaYivater Yaakov L’Vado, VaYei’avek Ish Imo Ad A lot HaShachar – Jacob was left alone and a many wrestled with him until the break of dawn.  VaYar Ki Lo Yachol Lo VYiga B’Chaf Yereicho VaTeikah Kaf Yerech Yaakov  B’Hei’Avko Imo – When he perceive that he could not overcome him, he struck the socket of his hip; so Jacob’s hip socket was dislocated as he wrestled with him.  VaYomer Shalcheini Ki Alah Hashachar Vayomer Lo Ashaleichecha Ki Im Beiractani – Then he said, “Let me go, for dawn has broken. “ And he said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” Vayomer Eilav Mah Shemecha VaYomer Yaakov – and he said to him, “what is your name” and he said “Jacob”. Vayomer Lo Yaakov Yei’Amar Od Shimcha Ki Im Yisroel Ki Sarita Im Elohim V’Im Anashim Vatuchal – He said, “No longer will it be said that your name is Jacob, but Israel, for you fought with the Divine and with man and have overcome.” ( Gen 32:25-29) So if Yaakov was left alone, with whom did he wrestle?  The Torah tells us he wrestled with  a man, however by the end of this brief narrative, Yaakov is asking the man(?) to bless him.  The M’forshim also struggle with this brief narrative.  Rashi reminds us of how our sages explained who this “man” was. According to our sages  Sh’Hu Saro Shel Eisav – that it was the guardian angel of Esav.  Chizkuni – the 13^th century French commentator succinctly states Malach B’Damut Ish – an angel in the form of a man. Radak, Rabbi David Kimchi – a late 12/early 13^th century French commentator is even more explicit. He offers a one word explanation as to the “man’s” identity – Melach – an angel. Some say it was the guardian angel of Esav and some say it was an Angel sent to restate God’s promise to Yaakov.

          However a more modern and psychologically aware understanding seems that the “man” is Yaakov. Yaakov is struggling with himself. The language of the wrestling match only uses the Hebrew word “Hu” – in English "he". He said, he held on, he didn’t let go, he blessed him, he wrestled with him. Yaakov’s name is only mentioned when his hip is pulled out of joint, when he states his name and when the other being renames Yaakov. The actual “play by play” deliberately uses the third person singular pronoun as opposed to proper nouns. Yaakov’s whole life has been a struggle… first with Esav, God,  and then Lavan. Before his impending struggle with Esav, Yaakov needs to know who exactly Yaakov is and who he clings to – which aspect of himself does he cling to? The godly aspect within him? The Esav within him? The reality is, Yaakov must decide who he is and what that means as he returns to his ancestral home and receives the covenant.  It will leave a mark for sure, however during his sleepless night, during his “mid life crisis” and his “moment of clarity”; Yaakov will finally be a complete spiritual person with a full acceptance of his relationship to God and a sense of purpose in his life. This does not mean his life will be easier. It just means that Yaakov, with this renewed sense of purpose and identity will be able to deal with all the troubles and heartache that is involved in living life.

          Of course I have gray hair. Of course it is getting grayer. There are more worries, there are more things that feel beyond my control.  There are more times that I worry about the direction of my life and whether  this is the right path. No we don’t necessarily have our hips pulled out of joint when we wake up in the middle of the night with this existential angst. However we do have the emotional scars of such moments. Our souls struggle and are sometimes scarred because of those moments when we question our purpose in life. It probably causes wrinkles and definitely causes gray hair. However those struggles are necessary because it leads us to moments of clarity, and we understand that our lives do have purpose, and our families will be OK and everything will be all right.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Wait Until That Deal Come Round (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Deal")

During another stressful weekday night when parents battled children to do their homework, our son took a unique approach in expressing his frustration.  After finishing one assignment and stating he was finished and now wanted to watch television, mommy checked his assignment sheet. Realizing that that our son still had homework, she now was the harbinger of bad news and told him to do his homework.  Like a typical 8 year old boy already engrossed in a video game, he ignored his mother.  Now it was my turn. I marched downstairs and expressed my frustration with his behavior.  Now our son was not only upset that he was still not finished with his homework, but now he was mad at me and began telling me as much. Then he made the most fascinating statement in the throes of his fit. With his voice rising, he looked at me and said, “If you make me do this, I won’t let you be my Abba anymore!”  I was about to interrupt his statement and really yell at him but I stopped, let him finish saying it, and then I thought about what he said for a second.  I thought of this week’s Parsha, Parsha Vayeitze.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Va’Yetzei. Fearing for his life, Yaakov flees his brother who has vowed to kill him after Yaakov “stole” Esav’s birthright. He heads towards Rivka’s brother’s home – Uncle Lavan. There Yaakov begins a new phase of life. Yaakov enters adulthood and family life. He marries Lavan’s daughters Leah and Rachel. He has children, and he deals with all the headaches and all the ups and downs of family life. Yaakov then realizes that it is time for him to return to his ancestral home with his wives and children.

Yaakov hinted that he had every intention of returning to his ancestral home during his first night away from home and heading towards Lavan. As he falls into a deep sleep, he dreams of ladder and the angels (Gen. 28:12). God stands next to him and tells Yaakov the Covenant that will now be passed down to him. By re-iterating the covenant with him, Yaakov not only inherits a pre-existing Covenant but also becomes an active participant in the Covenant. God tells Yaakov “Hinei Anochi Imach Ushmarticha b’chol Asher Teilech, Behold I am with you and I will guard you wherever you go…” (28:15). So, in a dream, Yaakov sees God and receives the covenant that God had made with Yaakov’s grandfather, Avraham, and his father Yitzchok.

Yet the dream wasn’t good enough. Perhaps God’s covenant wasn’t good enough. Or maybe, Yaakov had to feel as if he was the one dictating terms to God.  Ironically, Yaakov has absolutely nothing except the clothes on his back and his ancestry. So Yaakov offers a deal with God. However, compared to what God offered Yaakov, Yaakov demands are much simpler and it seems that his offer is rather pedestrian. Im Yiheyeh Elohim Imadi Ushmarani Baderech Hazeh Asher Anochi Holech v’Natan Li Lechem L’echol Uveged Lilbosh, vShavti b’Shalom el Bet Avi v’Hayah Hashem Li Le’lohim.  If God will be with me and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and clothes to wear, so that I come back to my father’s house in peace, then shall the Lord be my God.  In a rather crass manner, Yaakov merely asks for the physical necessities, food and clothing. He doesn’t need the promise of land, nor does he need the promise of future descendants. Yaakov offers to demonstrate that he will be a willing participant in a relationship with God by offering a tenth of whatever he acquires and accumulates. Yaakov is asking God to be permitted to participate in the relationship. Only when he is permitted to participate will God become Yaakov’s God as well as the God of his ancestors.  Yaakov's “unseemly negotiation” teaches us that while it is very nice to receive a promise, a gift, or part of tradition, if we are not actively involved in that promise, using that gift or participating in that tradition, then returning becomes much more difficult.

After I thought about Yaakov’s negotiation, I thought about the best possible answer for my son’s fascinating statement. I could ignore the statement. However that wouldn’t be any fun. Then I figured that if he won’t let me be his Abba then I don’t have to have these types of aggravating moments anymore.  Then I thought that the choice to be his Abba or not should really be mine. A split second later I gave him my answer in a very quiet stern voice. I told him to come near me, then I told him “I will always be your Abba, whether you like it or not. If you need me to help you with your homework, I will. If you can do your homework without my help, then that is terrific. However, you will eventually do your homework. How you do it and when you do will be up to you.” He took a deep breath. Grabbed a cup of water, drank and then asked if I could help him with his homework. I helped him and he finished without any more aggravation.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Esau Tried To Build A World, A Marvelous Disguise (Barlow, Weir - My Brother Esau)

A few days ago I conducted a funeral. While meeting with the family prior to the Levayah (funeral), I was asked if I believed that people change. Certainly, Judaism is pretty clear about the possibility of change. Because Judaism is behaviorally based and not dogmatically based, we believe that if the behavior changes, then ultimately the individual will change. Among the most prevalent themes of the Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) is the notion that we are capable of changing our behavior, changing ourselves, improving ourselves and becoming better versions of ourselves. Certainly, I want to believe that, and as a Rabbi that is my first response. However I don’t think it is so simple. Tshuvah, repentance, real Tshuvah, according to the RaMBaM is incredibly difficult. Changing behavior is incredibly difficult, changing a personality is all but impossible. So while our tradition speaks of from a conceptual f framework that change is possible for people; I think that “change” is something that occurs at the margins. The core of a person is not as susceptible to change. Maybe, when we talk about a person has changed over the years; the change is really at the margins. However at the core, deep down in the soul, that person is still very much the same, he or she has figured out how to live with what is at their core, how to sublimate the energy that is at the core into something positive, or not.

This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds and altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s.

Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav. VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). Certainly at first blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly it appears that the decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother. It appears that Esav has changed. The plain meaning of the text suggests this. However, the plain text, the simple meaning is focused upon behavior, upon the margins and not at the core.

Imagine not seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach; the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault instead of a loving embrace? While wondering about the hug, what happens when the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”? Yet all these questions were cause for Yaakov’s trepidation during this reunion.

One thing is clear however, the narrative concludes with Esav first expressing a desire to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggest that some of his armed men should escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion), Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my Lords eyes. VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah So Esav started back that day on his way toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen. 33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. They don’t hug and kiss each other good bye, or at least the Torah text doesn’t tell us that they hugged and kissed each other good bye. Rather there is an offer by Esav to take Yaakov to Seir. Perhaps Esav thought he was being nice, perhaps he was trying to lull Yaakov into a trap and planned to wipe out Yaakov and his family later. What we do know is that Yaakov understood that while his brother’s outward behavior may or may not have changed, Yaakov realized that his family’s future was best served by staying as far away as possible from his brother. Yes, at first blush it was so easy for Yaakov and Esav to hug and kiss each other, to weep together.

At the margins perhaps they each had softened a bit, perhaps they had become better versions of themselves. However, at their respective cores, they both understood that for the sake of themselves, and their descendents, it is better that each acknowledges the other and then lives separately from each other. So I told the daughter, “No, I do not think people really change.” I explained that we are all capable at changing our behavior. However at our core, we are who we are. Our task is to channel our behavior and to follow the path that allows us to be the best version of ourselves. Our task is to follow our respective life’s path like Yaakov Avinu.

Peace,

Rav Yitz