With
one daughter almost finished with the Bar/Bat Mitzvah circuit, and another one just
about to begin the Bar/Bat Mitzvah circuit; I have discovered that the biggest
obstacle to “good parenting” are other parents. It is difficult enough to
instill our values into our children when I have to compete against popular
culture, IPods, and the Internet. Now I have to compete with poor judgment of
other parents, the misplaced values of other parents and even sometimes their
utter lack of common courtesy. My wife and I learned that lesson the hard way. Not all
parents deal with curfews and bedtimes like us, nor are they considerate of other parents rules. With our daughter at a Sunday
night Bat Mitzvah party; the parent who was supposed to pick up her daughter
and our daughter didn’t bring our child home until 11:30pm. She apologized and
said that the “girls were having so much fun, and I didn’t want anyone’s
feelings getting hurt by picking them up too early, so I let them stay until
the band finished playing.” Her daughter was also dressed as if she were a 25
year old at a singles bar. Needless to say, I pick up our kids from these
parties, and our daughter is only allowed to look her age, or maybe a year
older. No adolescent daughter is permitted to dress like a 25 year old woman at
a singles bar. Of course, our daughters’ desire to look like everyone else, to
act like everyone else, as opposed to look like who they are and behave like
who they are, is a constant source of tension. Very often, we talk with our daughters and
remind them that being “Happy “ is not a function of a cool cell phone, high
heels, dressing in a slinky dress,
looking like and acting like their friends or even being popular. Both my wife and I realize that not only do
we have to work that much harder instilling our values, we have to teach our
daughters not to be jealous of others or insecure with who and what they are.
Certainly our daughters questions are legitimate, and I realize that the
unhappiness and insecurities that are raised; are all too often
the same questions, insecurities and unhappiness that we all raise at one time or another.
This
Shabbat we read form Parsha Balak. Balak was a Moabite King. After watching
what B’nai Yisroel had done to the Ammonites, Balak was distressed. He realized
that fighting B’nai Yisroel with a regular army was doomed to fail because he realized
that God had blessed them. Being a clever king, Balak surmised that the only
way to fight B'nai Yisroel was to fight them on a spiritual level. Since God
blessed Bnai Yisroel, Balak wanted to find someone to curse them. There lived a
prophet, a “Prophet Consultant,” a “hired gun” if you will, named Bilaam. King
Balak hired Bilaam to curse B’nai Yisroel. Bilaam is visited by God and told
not to curse B’nai Yisroel. Bilaam ignores the visitation. On his donkey
heading towards B’nai Yisroel’s camp, and preparing his curses, the donkey
stops. Although Bilaam could not see the angel standing in the middle of the
road with a sword drawn, the donkey did. As a result the donkey refused to
continue forward. Finally Bilaam realizes that there is a divine force in the
middle of the road and must confront it. Bilaam listens and heads toward the
camp. Looking down upon the encampment, Bilaam blesses B’nai Yisroel with words
that we say upon entering into any synagogue, words that we teach our children
at the youngest of ages. Ma Tovu
Ohalecha Yaakov Mishkenotecha Yisroel –
How goodly are your tents, O Jacob, your dwelling places O Israel – Kinchalim Nitayu K’ganot Alei Nahar
K’Ahalim Natah Adoshem Ka’Arazim Alei Mayim – stretching out like brooks like gardens by the river, like aloes
planted by Hashem, like cedars by the water (Num 24:5-6). Try as he might,
Bilaam is unable to curse Bnai Yisroel, rather he blesses them.
However
more than blessing B'nai Yisroel, Bilaam learned something else. He examined B’nai
Yisroel and he reflected upon his own life. Whatever B'nai Yisroel has, he
wishes it was bottled for his use. Tamot
Nafshi Mot Yi’sharim Ut'hi Achariti Kamohu – May my soul die the death of the upright, and may my end be like this.
Bilaam, a once materialistic, prophet for hire, looks out upon a peaceful
people’s encampment. Bilaam looks out a upon a warm caring community in which
boundaries are observed, Derech Eretz is respected (the considerate treatment
of one’s fellow man), observance of ritual, and the desire of everyone to live
as a holy a life as possible is lived out every day in a million and one little
ways. Bilaam looks out upon a nation that has achieved a sense of spiritual
completeness, Shalem. This is a community that is at peace with itself, with a
sense of purpose and destiny. If an entire nation has achieved this, what
individual would not want this? Bilaam realized that this spiritual wholeness
is attainable. If Bilaam realizes this, why don’t we?
The
community model that Bilaam sees and wants for himself is still possible today.
Obviously it takes work. Obviously it takes all of us being on the same page in
terms of our sense of purpose for our children and for our seniors. Obviously
it takes all of us being on the same page in terms of our spiritual priorities
and desire to learn. It takes all of us caring about each other, and still
respecting each other’s space and privacy. It takes parents looking at their
children and saying, “No, you may not wear those types of clothes.” It takes parents understanding that children
are not little adults but rather children, children that mimic what we say,
what we do, and how we behave towards others.
Gee, I can’t wait until the Bar Mitzvah circuit includes my son and his
class. By then I am sure I will have to agate and aggravation.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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