Our eldest daughter came home for American Thanksgiving. It was wonderful seeing all of our children sitting together, singing together, laughing together and talking with each other. At one point, our three daughters insisted on having a moment of sister bonding time and took several pictures excluding their younger brother. While watching our three daughters, now 27,17,15 years of age pose for pictures; I experienced one of my moments of fatherly angst and anxiety. One has left our home, one is about to leave our home, and one, although several years away from leaving home, watches her older sisters and I am sure she can’t wait to get on with chosen path. All three are experiencing some degree of transition. All I can think of are two words: “boys” and “men”. After hearing about the women who have come forward with allegations of sexual misconduct against Roy Moore (Alabama Senate candidate), Harvey Weinstein (movie producer), Matt Lauer (NBC host of Today Show), Charlie Rose, Al Franken and the President; where are the fathers? Why haven’t I heard a father say anything in support of his daughter? How can a father of daughters look at Roy Moore and cast a vote for him? I watched my daughters laughing together as they took their pictures and I wondered and worried if I have given them the necessary tools to deal with such boys and men. I wonder if I gave them the necessary tools to fend off such animal behavior if they were accosted. I wonder if I infused within them enough courage, chutzpah, and sense of self that they would tell me if such a thing happened and then, more importantly, go to the authorities, and call out the animal that would have caused them such harm.
This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds and altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s.
The narrative about Yaakov is interrupted with the disturbing one chapter narrative (chapter 34) about Yaakov’s daughter Dina, her encounter with Shechem the Hivvite, their unholy tryst and the horrible aftermath. The aftermath is horrible for a variety of reasons. The initial incident in which the Torah tells us VaYikach Otah Vayishkav Otah Va’YeANeh’Ha- He [Shechem] took her, lay with her, and violated her [Dinah] is horrible enough for Dina. Dina does not speak. At no point are we told how Dina feels or what she wants. If that’s not troubling enough, Yaakov also remains silent is there a father that, upon hearing such news, would respond with silence? Jacob’s silence is palatable. First the Torah says: V’ Yaakov Shama Ki TiMei et Dina Vito U’Vanav Hayu et Mikneihu BaSadeh VHeCherish Yaakov Ad Bo’Am – Now Jacob heard that he had defiled his daughter Dina, while his sons were with his cattle in the field; so Jacob kept silent until their arrival (34:5). When the brothers returned and heard the news about their sister, VaYichar Lahem M’Od – They became very hot with anger. When Shechem and Hamor meet with Jacob and Shimon and Levi proposing marriage, VaYa’Anu V’Nei Yaakov et Shechem v’Et Chamor Aviv B’Mirmah V’Yidabeiru Asher Timei et Dina Achotam – Jacob’s son’s answered Shechem and his father Hamor cleverly and they spoke (because he had defiled their sister Dina). Jacob doesn’t speak. The Torah seems to suggest that Jacob is too upset to speak so the sons respond to Shechem’s proposal of marriage and political alliance between the families. We don’t read about Jacob seeing his daughter, consoling his daughter, even crying and yelling and screaming at her. He is silent. When the perpetrator shows up at his door, Jacob does nothing. The man that “defiled” his daughter, the man that “violated” his daughter is standing in front him and Dina’s father doesn’t do a thing. His sons speak up for him and in a sense usurp Jacob’s paternal authority. No, this seems like the silence of weakness and timidity. The Yalkut Shimoni, a comprehensive midrashic anthology from the 13th century makes a very simple and powerfully sad insight. Commenting on V’HeCherish Yaakov (Jacob kept silent) – Hada Hu Dichtiv ‘V’Ish Tevunot YaCharish’- It is written there (in Proverbs 11:12) ‘a man of understanding will be silent’. Just as Dina is remarkably and tragically silent, perhaps Jacob’s silence is empathy for his daughter or maybe he is too upset to speak, or maybe he doesn’t know what to do. Certainly, he knew of Shimon and Levi’s plan because at the end of his life he despised them for their response. Maybe Jacob kept silent because he may have felt responsible, or that he failed to protect his daughter. Because the Torah uses the name Yaakov (the name which invokes clinging and therefore weakness) rather than Yisroel (a name that invokes struggling and vanquishing); Yaakov has become too spiritually weak to respond and to negotiate.
I don’t know what I would do if it were my daughter but silence? I might have been like Bonasera, the mortician from the Godfather, when he said: “For justice, we must go to Don Corleone." Or I would seriously think about purchasing a gun and the shooting the animal that hurt my daughter. As a father, I now can hear the silence of the fathers of all these women who have spoken out against the unacceptable behavior. Perhaps a father’s silence is due to his being complicit in the dynamic. Maybe the silence of these fathers is because they neglected to provide tools for their daughter to deal with this, a strong voice to speak out sooner and louder, or just the quiet support and sustaining love that fathers should provide their daughters so that they are strong and independent people.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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