Earlier in the week, our kids had a few days off and visited their grandparents in Rochester, NY. The plan was for my parents to drive the kids back to Toronto and spend the night, see their granddaughter play in her volleyball match and return to their home the next day. The day before they were to drive back to Toronto, I received a phone call from my father. His stomach was bad, he wasn’t feeling well, and he anticipated that driving on the designated day was problematic. Rather than listen, I grew incredibly impatient and told him that I would drive down to pick up my kids have dinner and drive back. He then asked me to spend the night and head back the next morning. I gave my father an earful as I shared by aggravation with him. He must have been feeling quite ill because he said that he didn’t feel well enough to yell back at me. I may have yelled a few other choice words, hung up, and prepared for an afternoon and evening of driving. When I arrived at my parents, my mother thanked for schlepping. In fact, she thanked me far too much. My father was lying in bed, I checked in on him. Again, he asked me to spend the night. I reminded him that if he felt too sick to fight with me, why would he keep asking me such a question and start a fight? After some more choice words, I told him I planned on eating dinner and returning to Toronto. As I sat with my mother and my two kids and ate dinner, my father sat down at the table. He looked pale and drawn. He smiled weakly and started to say something. I am not sure what he said, all I know is that I became acutely aware that both my parents are aging and that I want them to see their grandchildren whenever possible. Then I apologized for the way I spoke to my father and my impatience with him.
In this week’s Parsha, Ki Tisa, we read about Moshe and a nation entering into the apology process. We read about T’shuvah. The parshah begins with God telling Moshe to conduct a census and each adult should make a donation. Meanwhile, B’nai Yisroel had been getting quite worried while Moshe was up the mountain for 40 days and nights. So they had Aaron build a Golden Calf. Well needless to say, B’nai Yisroel’s idolatry (avodah zarah) did not exactly go unnoticed. God says “Let my anger flare up against them and I shall annihilate them…” (Ex. 32:10). Moshe was just as angry. “Moshe’s anger flared up, He threw down the tablets from his hands, and shattered them at the foot of the mountain” (Ex. 32:19). Moshe chastised the people and then went back up the mountain to placate God’s anger. After everyone calmed down, punishments were meted out. As God and Moshe began the re-issuing of the two tablets. Moshe pleads for forgiveness on behalf of the people and then descends with the second set of tablets.
God and Moshe grew closer. God had a new found respect for Moshe and his people, and Moshe had a new found closeness with God. So much so, that Moshe uttered the words “Hodi’eini nah et D’rachecha V’Eda’acha -Make your way known to me so that I may know You…Show me Your Glory” (Ex. 33:13:14). God re-issues his covenant with Moshe, and reveals himself to Moshe. What an incredibly powerful moment! Moshe sought forgiveness, and learned how to do so in a thoughtful and honest manner. Certainly, there was punishment. Certainly, there was fear. Yet the process lent itself to a closer, more loving, respectful, meaningful and deeper relationship. Rashi clarifies Moshe’s request. “Moshe said that he had failed to understand sufficiently what God had told him and he wanted God to accompany him and Israel not God’s angel”. Moshe wanted to understand God’s way of bestowing reward. Reward was a function of spiritual proximity. Moshe’s apology was expressed in the form of a request. How do I attain greater spiritual proximity? “How do I find favour in your eyes” (Ex. 33:12)? This closer, more awesome relationship is a product of doing T’shuvah, repentance. As a nation we had never sought repentance. As a nation, we did not even know what repentance was. As a nation, as children, we were just told to behave. We had not tested the ramifications for not obeying. Now, B’nai Israel had made a grievous mistake. This mistake emanates from a maturing group. However part of the spiritual maturation process, like any growth process is falling down, making mistakes, and then knowing enough to seek repentance, to do T’shuvah. Moshe did this on behalf of B’nai Yisroel. Moshe wanted to apologize not only to protect the people but also to gain a deeper comprehension in order to become spiritually closer.
Perhaps there is no experience more humbling than asking for forgiveness. To truly seek forgiveness, one must put aside one’s own ego, as well as one’s feeling of shame and embarrassment. If our egos are too large, if we are too ashamed and too embarrassed then we will prevent ourselves from humbly seeking forgiveness and we remain distant As children, adults, and as a people, we all need a way to apologize in a meaningful, honest and thoughtful manner. We all need a safe haven to issue such an apology. Then when punishment is meted out, we understand that it is a result of behavior and not for being. No matter how long we remain negligent in our behavior and observance there is a way back towards God and Torah. However the impetus is upon us. We must take the first steps. We must go through some introspection, some tough honesty, and some self-reflection because that formula demands it. Otherwise the words are rather empty. Only then can we achieve meaningful repentance and stand in close proximity to God. Only then can we achieve a sense of self-contentment, inner peace and spiritual radiance. “When Moshe descended from Mount Sinai… Moshe did not know that the skin of his face had become radiant” (Ex. 34:29).
Shabbat Shalom,
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