The More My Brother Looks Like Me The Less I Understand (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "My Brother Esau")

 

          Well, it's official. The "Transition" formally began, and for the first time, President-Elect Biden received the PDB (the President's Daily Intelligence Briefing). Does this mean that Trump finally changed his mind about who won and who lost? Does this mean that during Thanksgiving dinner with his family, Trump decided it was time to treat the President-Elect with the same respect and offer the same access to information that he received when he was the President-Elect four very long years ago.  Does this mean that Trump graciously accepted defeat, and for the good of the country, will move on? Does this mean that he will stop sowing doubt about the integrity of the election and democratic norms and institutions? Does this mean that Trump will give a concessions speech and tell his followers to accept the result? My 18-year-old daughter living in Israel has two British roommates and when we speak with her, she will frequently take on a British accent and use British slang. Her response to these questions is rather succinct: "Not bloody likely",  My children incredulously remind me that we are talking about a 74-year-old man who never grew up, never learned how to fight fair, win graciously, and not behave like a sore loser. My eldest daughter reminded me that would deem any child that behaved like Trump has been behaving since the election as a spoiled brat. She quickly added that at least in the case of the child, there is still the possibility that the child would grow up and cease being a spoiled brat. Changing a personality, changing who we are, changing our core seems a rather daunting task. Several years ago, a book by Stephen Guise entitled Mini Habits: Smaller Habits Bigger Results appeared. Guise's theory is based upon Lao Tzu’s famous pearl of wisdom “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a small step”, and begins with the brutally realistic view of human nature. Guise explains change is predicated upon two ingredients: intention and overestimating competence. Big intentions and big ambitions are worthless if they don’t bring results. The lack of intended result harms and defeats the person and then he/she will eventually stop the process. Guise explains that one enormous obstacle is The Dunning-Kruger effect.  This is the cognitive bias that people generally overestimate their competencies. A person thinks that he is the smartest, has the biggest brain, or the nicest.  Since change is predicated on "self-control", Guise,  explains that usually, a person assumes more self-control, not less. and as a result of this unrealistic evaluation of our self-control and our lack of humility regarding strengths and weakness, we inadvertently place obstacles that contribute to our inability to change.

          This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds an altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally, we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s. 

          Yaakov’s trepidation prior to his reunion with his brother stems from the one unanswered question. Has Esav really changed? Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav.  VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). At first blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly, it appears that the decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother. Perhaps Esav truly changed. The plain meaning of the text suggests this. However, the text's simple meaning also appears focused upon superficial behavior, manners, social etiquette, and not upon motivation and the individual's core behaviour and instinct. Imagine not seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach; the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault instead of a loving embrace? While worrying about the hug, what happens when the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”? Is this a “kinder and gentler” Esav, or the same Esav that has been angry since the blessing and birthright “incidents”. Perhaps all these questions justify Yaakov’s trepidation during this reunion.  

          One thing is clear, after this apparently emotional reunion, Esav wants to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggests that some of his armed men should escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion)? Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my lord's eyes. VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah So Esav started back that day on his way toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah - but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen. 33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. The Torah does say whether they hugged and kissed goodbye. Rather, Esav offers to take Yaakov to Seir.  Perhaps Esav thought he was being nice. Perhaps he was trying to lull Yaakov into a trap and only to wipe out Yaakov and his family later.  Yaakov understood that while his brother’s outward behavior, his social etiquette may have changed, it was more realistic to assume that at his core, big brother Esav hadn’t changed at all, For the sake of his family's future, Yaakov felt it best to keep as far away as possible. 

           Yes, social etiquette, manners, and perhaps even strategy demanded that Yaakov and Esav hug, kiss, and even weep together, Perhaps, over the course of twenty years, each had marginally softened and mellowed. Perhaps each had become more mature and better versions of themselves. Yaakov's new name Israel and his limp suggests that he is not the same scheming Yaakov that he was all those years before. He is somehow different. However, there is nothing in the Torah that suggests that Esav has acquired the ability and the skills necessary for introspection. He remains a hunter, his focus is upon his prey, not himself. At the core, each mans is who he is. So do people change? Well, it seems that change is only possible if a person is humble about personal is brutally honest with oneself and capable of introspection and humility, doesn't overestimate strengths, and acknowledges and understands his/her weaknesses. Then the person must be inclined to embrace the effort to engage in mini habits with an eye towards big results. However, if a person never put forth an effort, always received whatever they asked for, never had to contend with failure and loss, do we really expect a person to change?

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Shadow boxing the apocalypse yet again, yet again. Shadow boxing the apocalypse, and wandering the land. (John Barlow & Bob Weir "My Brother Esau")

While our daughters were home for Thanksgiving, their friends came by to visit and we discussed Jewish life and anti- Semitism on college/university campuses. I especially wanted our grade 12 daughter to listen and be a part of the discussion since she is in the process of applying to universities both in Ontario and in the North East U.S. One friend of our 19-year-old daughter’s friends is an observant woman and only wears skirts. She attends a university in Toronto. The friend explained that while she is aware of the institutional anti-Semitism and the BDS campaigns; because she doesn’t live on campus, it doesn’t feel as acute.  Far more troubling has been the anti-Semitism she has encountered on an individual basis. She explained that her lab partner is an observant Muslim. The friend explained that she and the lab partner seemed to get along as both were very respectful of issues of religion, and they shared a common concern about an over-emphasis upon the secular. Well, when the young Muslim woman noticed a pro-Israel sticker on our daughter’s friend’s computer; the Muslim woman refused to work with our daughter’s friend. Eventually, she switched out of the lab and now our daughter’s friend no longer has a lab partner. When she does see her former lab partner; she receives no acknowledgment, and the former lab partner won’t speak to her nor acknowledge her existence.

This week we read from Parsha VaYishlach. We read Yaakov’s preparation for the reunion with his brother Esav. We read about Yaakov’s wrestling match. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds an altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally, we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s descendants and the princes of Edom.

Yaakov’s trepidation prior to his reunion with his brother stems from the one unanswered question. “Does my brother still wish to kill me”? “What can I do to prevent Esav from killing me and wiping out my family?” Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav.  VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4).  The plain meaning suggests Esav has forgiven his brother. The plain meaning suggests that nearly two decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother and he no longer desires to harm his younger brother. Esav embraces his brother and kisses him. Yet questions about Esav and his attitudes toward his brother remain. Esav’s actions: the embrace, the kiss, even the manner in which he ran towards Yaakov and “fell upon him” could be easily interpreted as something far more disturbing even ominous for Yaakov and his family. There are four dots that appear in the Torah text above the word VaYishahkeihu – And he kissed him. What do the dots indicate? Is there a difference between the embrace when there is genuine affection as opposed to an embrace when there still a deep-seated animosity? As early as the late 2^nd century, R’ Shimon ben Eliezer, in B’reishit Rabba (The Talmudic Sages’ commentary on the TaNaCh) explained that VaYishaKiehu with the letter Kuf means “kiss”. However, if the dot above that letter suggests that the letter ought to be a Kaf,  then “he kissed him”, would mean “and he bit him”. Whereupon, Yaakov’s neck turned to marble and thus preventing Esav from biting Yaakov’s neck. An 8^th/9^th century text, the Midrash Tanchuma, explains the approach, kiss, and tears in a more ominous manner. Esau should be compared to a wolf that sought to bite Yaakov. When Yaakov’s neck turned to marble, Esav’s teeth “were set on edge”. Both men cried but for different reasons.  Esav was frustrated because he will have to wait for another opportunity to kill his brother, and Yaakov cried because he understands that he would always remain on ready in case of another attack.

For the Rabbinic Sages, Esav, and his tribe Edom came to symbolize Rome. When Rome became Christian, that symbolism became more poignant. As the Church became more anti-Semitic throughout the first and second millennia, Yaakov and his descendants, the Jewish people, had to remain vigilant about the anti-Semitism that originated from his brother. With the rise of political extremism on both the political left and the political, Jews have to remain vigilant. These displays of anti-Semitism from either extreme whether it is supporting BDS speakers and policies or white nationalist pro-fascist speakers and policies, both are easy to identify on a university/college campus.  For our 12^th grade daughter, it is reason enough not to apply to such an institution. However, what is more difficult, and perhaps more hurtful on a personal level, is the antisemitism encountered on an individual and personal basis as manifested in our daughter’s friend’s experience. When asked about this type of anti-Semitism, our 12^th grade daughter explained that she expects to encounter that type of anti-Semitism. However she is thoughtful enough to understand and see the distinction between individuals and institutions. To her credit, she like Jacob, understood that she would have to deal with that type of anti-Semitism on a contextual case by case basis.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

And So I Wrestle With The Angel To See Who'll Reap The Seeds I Sow (Gerrit Graham & Bob Weir - "Victim Or The Crime")

Like so many American families, we celebrated Thanksgiving. We packed up and drove to my parents’ home. Our eldest daughter who had been working in Florida until the recent midterm elections came, my sister brother in law and niece came.  Our daughter studying in Israel made Thanksgiving and we all had the chance to video chat with her. The last time that I saw our eldest daughter was in June when she came for her sister and brother’s graduation. Certainly, we had video chatted. Let’s just say a video chat doesn’t exactly offer a complete picture. So when she took one look at my completely gray beard, my salt and pepper head of hair, she hugged and kissed me and said. “You are so old! What happened to you?” Like the crows feet around my eyes, I attributed all the gray hair and white beard to the existential angst of fatherhood. For me, existential angst usually occurs in the middle of the night. It wakes me up, I go downstairs, I look outside at the night sky full of stars I think and worry. I worry about life, death, the quality of life and the quality of death, what am I doing with my life, how am I going to pay for Jewish day school, college, and weddings. I worry about my aging parents, my aging mother in law. I worry about my wife worrying about her aging mother. I explain to my eldest daughter that I wake up in the middle of the night and worry about all the stuff that a middle-aged person wrestles with.” While I normally sleep quite soundlessly, every so often I am wake up to wrestle with all my existential angst and worries.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Vayishlach. Yaakov and his family prepare to return to Yaakov’s home. However, they will first need to deal with an almost twenty-year grudge held by Esav. Yaakov will hope for the best and prepare for the worst as he prepares to meet his brother.  After their short reunion, Yaakov makes his way back to his ancestral lands. His mother passes away. He is blessed with another son, Benjamin, born to his wife Rachel. However, she dies in childbirth. His daughter, Dinah, has an illicit relationship with a prince of Shechem. According to the text, she is rendered “impure” and her brothers wipe out the prince and his village. Yaakov’s name is changed to Yisroel. God blessed Yaakov within the context of the covenant made with Avraham and Yitzchok. Yaakov’s blessing includes children, land and wealth, all of the things that God promised to Yaakov’s grandfather – Avraham. The Parsha concludes Yaakov and Esav seeing each other one last time in order to bury their father Yitzchok, and then we read the final psukim: a list of Esav’s descendants down to grandchildren.

The parsha is replete with dramatic moments. However, the brief narrative (Gen. 32:25-29) about Yaakov’s night prior to his first meeting with Esav, offers us a life-changing moment in Yaakov’s life. The narrative of the wrestling match begins in a very peculiar manner. VaYivater Yaakov L’Vado, VaYei’avek Ish Imo Ad Alot HaShachar – Jacob was left alone and a many wrestled with him until the break of dawn.  So if Yaakov was left alone, with whom did he wrestle?  The Torah tells us he wrestled with a man, however by the end of this brief narrative, Yaakov is asking the man(?) to bless him. During the wrestling match, and to add to the confusion the word for “man” is not used neither is Yaakov’s name. Rather the third person masculine singular pronoun “Hu” is used.  The M’forshim also struggle with this brief narrative.  Rashi reminds us of how our sages explain Sh’Hu Saro Shel Eisav – that it was the guardian angel of Esav.  Chizkuni – the 13th-century French commentator succinctly states Malach B’Damut Ish – an angel in the form of a man. Radak, Rabbi David Kimchi – a late 12/early 13th-century French commentator is even more explicit. He offers a single word of explanation as to the “man’s” identity – Melach – an angel. Some say it was the guardian angel of Esav and some say it was an Angel sent to restate God’s promise to Yaakov. However, a more modern and psychologically aware understanding seems that the “man” is Yaakov. Yaakov is struggling with himself. The language of the wrestling match only uses the Hebrew word “Hu” – in English "he". He said, he held on, he didn’t let go, he blessed him, he wrestled with him. Yaakov’s name is only mentioned when his hip is pulled out of joint, when he states his name and when the other being renames Yaakov. Yaakov’s whole life has been a struggle… first with Esav, God, and then Lavan. Before his impending struggle with Esav, Yaakov needs to know who exactly Yaakov is and who he clings to – which aspect of himself does he cling to? The godly aspect within him? The Esav within him? The reality is, Yaakov must decide who He is and what that means as he returns to his ancestral home and receives the covenant.  It will leave a mark for sure, however during his sleepless night, during his “mid-life crisis” and his “moment of clarity”; Yaakov will finally be a complete spiritual person with a full acceptance of his relationship to God and a sense of purpose in his life. This does not mean his life will be easier. It just means that Yaakov, with this renewed sense of purpose and identity, will be able to deal with all the troubles and heartache that is involved in living life as he continues to grow old.

             Of course, I have gray hair. Yes, my beard is turning white. There are more worries, there are more things that feel beyond my control.  There are more times that I worry about the direction of my life and my children's lives. There are more times when I worry about my parent’s health. No, I don’t necessarily have my hip pulled out of joint when we wake up in the middle of the night with this existential angst. Although due to an old back injury; I sometimes wake up with my back pain more acute than at other times.  We do have the emotional scars of such moments. Our souls struggle and sometimes our souls receive scars because of those moments when we question our purpose in life. It probably causes wrinkles and definitely causes gray hair. However those struggles are necessary because it leads us to moments of clarity, and we understand that our lives do have a purpose, and our families will be ok and everything will be all right.

Peace,

Rav Yitz