When I was a kid, and did something wrong, the following scene always occurred. My parents reprimanded me. After a long and stern talking to, I petulantly responded with an apology. My mother or father would look at me and say, “No, you’re not sorry. I am not interested in your apology. Just don’t do it again.” Of course I would begin to panic because it seemed that no prescribed formula existed for me to get back into their good graces. After I had some time to think about it, I would apologize a second time. This apology sounded less petulant, more thoughtful, and certainly more meaningful. My parents would look at me, and in a much gentler tone, I would receive my punishment and be sent on my way. Interestingly enough, I was happy to be punished. At least I wasn't being ignored and dismissed. Now, thirty years later, guess what? The same scene occurs. The same conversations transpire. The same petulance erupts, the same attempts at an appropriate apology occurs. The same sense of relief radiates from the face when the child realizes that the punishment offers a path to re-establishing a warmth and closeness. The only difference is that I am the father, and I play this scene out with my four children.
In this week’s Parsha, Ki Tisa, we read about Moshe and a nation entering into the apology process. We read about T’shuvah. The parshah begins with God telling Moshe to conduct a census and each adult should make a donation. Meanwhile, B’nai Yisroel had been getting quite worried while Moshe was up the mountain for 40 days and nights. So they had Aaron build a Golden Calf. Well needless to say, B’nai Yisroel’s idolatry (avodah zarah) did not exactly go un-noticed. God says “Let my anger flare up against them and I shall annihilate them…” (Ex. 32:10). Moshe was just as angry. “Moshe’s anger flared up, He threw down the tablets from his hands, and shattered them at the foot of the mountain” (Ex. 32:19). Moshe chastised the people and then went back up the mountain to placate God’s anger. After everyone calmed down, punishments were meted out. As God and Moshe began the re-issuing of the two tablets, something fascinating happened. God and Moshe grew closer. God had a new found respect for Moshe and his people, and Moshe had a new found closeness with God. So much so, that Moshe uttered the words “Hodi’eini nah et D’rachecha V’Eda’acha -Make your way known to me so that I may know You…Show me Your Glory” (Ex. 33:13:14). God re-issues his covenant with Moshe, and reveals himself to Moshe. God makes his way known to Moshe by uttering a formula, the Thirteen Attributes.
What an incredibly powerful moment! Moshe sought forgiveness, and learned how to do so in a thoughtful and honest manner. Certainly, there was punishment. Certainly, there was fear. Yet the process resulted in a closer, more loving, respectful, and powerful relationship. This closer, more awesome relationship is a product of doing T’shuvah, repentance. As a nation we had never sought repentance. As a nation, we did not even know what repentance was. As a nation, as children, we were just told to behave. We had not tested the ramifications for disobedience. Now, B’nai Israel had made a grievous mistake. This mistake emanates from a group of spiritual children who test.. However, part of the spiritual maturation process, like emotional and physical maturation involves falling down, making mistakes, and then knowing enough to seek repentance, to do T’shuvah. Moshe did this on behalf of B’nai Yisroel. God taught Moshe what honest, meaningful, and thoughtful repentance meant. God gave Moshe a code, a formula to be used by the nation after a long, thoughtful, meaningful repentant process occurred. Ado-shem Ado-shemi k'El Rachum v’Chanun, Erech Apaim v’Rav Chesed v’ Emet, Notzer Chesed La’ Alafim, Noseih Avon V’Feshah v’Chata’ah v’Nakei-“HaShem, HaShem G-d, Compassionate and Gracious, Slow to Anger, and Abundant in Kindness and Truth, Preserver of Kindness for thousands of generations, Forgiver of Iniquity, Willful Sin, and Error and Who Cleanses….” (Ex 34:6-7). Rabbi Yochanan, a great Talmudic sage in the Talmudic Tractate Rosh Hashanah (17b), explained: if this verse were not written, it would be impossible for us to say. We could never describe God like this. This passage teaches us that God wrapped himself in a Tallis like the person leading the congregation in prayer. And like the person leading the congregation in prayer, God showed Moshe the order of this particular prayer. “Whenever Israel sins, let them perform before Me this order of prayer, and I shall forgive them”.
As children, adults, and as a people, we all need a way to apologize in a meaningful, honest and thoughtful manner. We all need a safe haven to issue such an apology. Then when punishment is meted out, we understand that it is a result of behavior and not for being. We also get the message that the punishment does not mean that we are not loved. Rather it is just the opposite. If meted out fairly, warmly, and in a loving manner, we get the messaged that we are cared for and loved. We get the message that the punishment is part of the process by which we can return to that warm and close relationship. No matter how long we remain negligent in our behavior and observance there is a way back towards God and Torah. However the impetus is upon us. We must take the first steps. We must go through some introspection, some tough honest introspection, and some self-reflection. The formula spelled out here in Ki Tissa, demands it. Otherwise we say the words petulantly and defensively. The process then becomes rather empty. Only then we engage in a thoughtful apologetic process can we achieve meaningful repentance. Only then can we achieve a sense of self-contentment, inner peace and spiritual radiance. “When Moshe descended from Mount Sinai… Moshe did not know that the skin of his face had become radiant” (Ex. 34:29). In fact, we know that children radiate this type of glow when the punishment is meted out, we hug them and they are thankful.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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