I am always amazed at my children when they assume that I am the most naïve soul, the most clueless parent and a complete fool. No they never say that to my face but every so often, their behavior belies the fact that they really think that I am naïve, clueless and foolish. Knowing that there is a very high probability of punishment and realizing that they have done something wrong or said something wrong; they first and very quickly apologize. My favorite part of this very quick apology is when my daughters (my son doesn’t attempt this type of apology as often) walk up to me and hug me and very sweetly first praise me and tell me what a wonderful father I am; then comes their apology. Are they serious? Do they really think that I am that naïve, or that easily manipulated? I look at my children and smile. First I tell them to stop trying to con me, and then I ask them one simple question. “Do you know why you’re apologizing?” A sheepish look is given and then I tell them to go upstairs and think about why an apology is necessary. A few minutes pass and then child seeking forgiveness comes down stairs ready to issue an apology. This apology is much different. There is no phone compliments, there is no artificially sweet tone. Rather my child looks me in the eye, explains the reason for the behavior, acknowledges that they did something wrong and explains that they understand that a punishment is necessary. With the apology offered and accepted and the punishment meted out. I give a hug, tell them I love them and then say “but you’re still getting punished”. Then we move on with our lives.
In this week’s Parsha, Ki Tisa, we read about Moshe and a nation entering into the apology process. We read about T’shuvah. The parsha begins with God telling Moshe to conduct a census and each adult should make a donation. Meanwhile, B’nai Yisroel had been getting quite worried while Moshe was up the mountain for 40 days and nights. So they had Aaron build a Golden Calf. Well needless to say, B’nai Yisroel’s idolatry (avodah zarah) did not exactly go un-noticed. God says “Let my anger flare up against them and I shall annihilate them…” (Ex. 32:10). Moshe was just as angry. “Moshe’s anger flared up, He threw down the tablets from his hands, and shattered them at the foot of the mountain” (Ex. 32:19). Moshe chastised the people and then went back up the mountain to placate God’s anger. After everyone calmed down, punishments were meted out. As God and Moshe began the re-issuing of the two tablets, something fascinating happened. God and Moshe grew closer. God had a new found respect for Moshe and his people, and Moshe had a new found closeness with God. So much so, that Moshe uttered the words “Hodi’eini nah et D’rachecha V’Eda’acha -Make your way known to me so that I may know You…Show me Your Glory” (Ex. 33:13:14). God re-issues his covenant with Moshe, and reveals himself to Moshe. God makes his way known to Moshe by uttering a formula, the Thirteen Attributes.
What an incredibly powerful moment! Moshe sought forgiveness, and learned how to do so in a thoughtful and honest manner. Certainly, there was punishment. Certainly, there was fear. Yet the process lent itself to a closer, more loving, respectful, and powerful relationship. This closer, more awesome relationship is a product of doing T’shuvah, repentance. As a nation we had never sought repentance. As a nation, we did not even know what repentance was. As a nation, as children, we were just told to behave. We had not tested the ramifications for not obeying. Now, B’nai Israel had made a grievous mistake. This mistake emanates from a maturing group. However part of the spiritual maturation process, like any growth process is falling down, making mistakes, and then knowing enough to seek repentance, to do T’shuvah. Moshe did this on behalf of B’nai Yisroel. God taught Moshe what honest, meaningful, and thoughtful repentance meant. God gave Moshe a code, a formula to be used by the nation after a long, thoughtful, meaningful repentant process occurred. Adoshem Adoshem El Rachum v’Chanun, Erech Apaim v’Rav Chesed v’ Emet, Notzer Chesed La’ Alafim, Noseih Avon V’Feshah v’Chata’ah v’Nakei-“HaShem HaShem, God Compassionate and Gracious, Slow to Anger, and Abundant in Kindness and Truth, Preserver of Kindness for thousands of generations, Forgiver of Iniquity, Willful Sin, and Error and Who Cleanses….” (Ex 34:6-7). The ineffable four lettered name for God is recited twice. The Or HaChayim (early 18th century from Morocco), explains that using the four lettered name of God twice, denotes two types of mercy. The first type of mercy reflects the fact God is merciful before a person sins even though God knows that the person or the nation will ultimately commit a sin. This first type of Mercy is even directed to people who have done nothing, they have done nothing wrong nor have they engaged in any type of positive behavior. The second mention of the ineffable name of God reminds us that God is merciful even after we commit sin. God mercifully accepts repentance. Divine mercy is required for the universe to continue functioning. Without diving mercy, the scales of justice would always be weighed against mankind and we could never improve. Rather, we would just remain spiritually paralyzed.
As children, adults, and as a people, we all need a way to apologize in a meaningful, honest and thoughtful manner. We all need a safe haven to issue such an apology. Then when punishment is meted out, we understand that it is a result of behavior and not for being. No matter how long we remain negligent in our behavior and observance there is a way back towards God and Torah. However the impetus is upon us. We must take the first steps. We must go through some introspection, some tough honesty, and some self-reflection because that formula demands it. Otherwise the words are rather empty. Only then can we achieve meaningful repentance. Only then can we achieve a sense of self-contentment, inner peace and spiritual radiance. “When Moshe descended from Mount Sinai… Moshe did not know that the skin of his face had become radiant” (Ex. 34:29).
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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