Every once in a while, quite
infrequently actually, a child will validate my parenting methods. No, there
won’t be much fanfare, nor will it be a public statement, nor does one child
tell one of my other children about the event that caused such validation.
Instead the validation comes during a one on one moment, just my child and me,
alone, perhaps having a bite of lunch together, or doing homework together.
Then during these very quiet moments the child, in a completely earnest manner,
will validate me as a parents and even go so far as to say that she was glad
that she listened to me. Such was the case with our eldest daughter when she
was in high school (she is now 23) and such was the recent case of our 14 year
old daughter who just started her freshman year of High School (in Toronto
speak this is known as “Grade 9”). For
the past couple of weeks, our daughter had a cough and cold like symptoms. She hadn’t really been sleeping very well
because of the cough. The doctor said she wasn’t sick, “but she is not exactly
healthy either”. Earlier in the week, her 9th grade class had a
retreat where they participated in all kinds of trust and class bonding
experiences, such as hiking, canoeing etc… I decided, and my wife completely
agreed that our daughter should stay home and spend the two days, sleeping and
finally getting rid of this cough. Our daughter moped around, complained and
whined about how mean we were for prohibiting her from going. On the evening of
the first day, her mom suggested that our daughter could go on the second day
of activities since a teacher from the school would be going to the camp site.
When I asked why, her mom said that she felt badly for our daughter and clearly
our daughter felt sad that she wasn’t able to attend and that she was mad at
us. “So what that she is mad”, I said. “I don’t expect anything else, and
besides if she is mad, we must be right.” Needless to say, our daughter stayed
home on the second day of the trip as well.
Two days later, I take our daughter to an orthodontist appointment.
After the appointment, I take her out for lunch and then bring her back to
school. There in the restaurant, as she is putting a spoonful of soup into her
mouth, our daughter very quietly makes a statement. “You were right about not
letting me go on the 9th grade trip. I really needed these two days
to sleep and get better. I am glad that
you made me listen to you. Thank You”. I nearly choked on my lunch. Without
gloating, and in a straight face I told her what I told her eldest sister. “If
you listen to what I tell you, if you follow my directions and advice, your
problems will be small and your life will easy.” I smiled and didn’t say
another word. Inside, I was screaming “Hallelujah! Finally another child who will
surely listen because they understand.”
This week we read from Parsha Ki
Tavo. The Parsha begins with Moshe explaining the laws that are specific to B'nai
Yisroel’s entry into the Land. He
reminds them of the laws of first fruits, and tithing. Moshe reminds them that there is a powerful
link between God, B'nai Yisroel and the Land. Each needs the other. Moshe then describes the ritual specific to
this generation that will symbolize their acceptance of the Torah and the
covenant. As they cross the Jordan
River, they would inscribe two stones with Kol
Divrei HaTorah HaZot BaEir Heiteiv – You
shall inscribe on the stones all the words of this Torah well clarified.” Then
the stones would be covered with plaster in order to protect the inscriptions.
Moshe then reminds B'nai Yisroel that they are now an Am Yisroel– a Nation and
no longer B’nai Yisroel – Children of Yisroel.
With that change of status comes responsibility, and Moshe lists the
blessings and the curses that will result depending upon Am Yisroel’s behavior.
Moshe concludes his passionate plea to
fulfill the covenant by giving Am Yisroel a brief history lesson. He reminds
them that they left Egypt and saw all the signs and wonders (they didn’t,
rather their parents and grandparents experience the Exodus and witnessed the
plagues). Moshe reminds them that he let them for Forty years, and they didn’t
eat bread nor drink wine, rather they experienced the miracle of the Manna. He
reminds them of battles they fought and won and finally he reminded them they
were ready to begin their new lives in the land.
Moshe also reminds them that if
they listen, they will be blessed. If they fail to listen and fail to live up
the covenant, then they will be cursed and sent into exile. V’Haya Im Shamoah Tishmah B’Kol Adoshem
Elokecha - It shall be that if you hearken (surely listen/obey) the voice
of Hashem, your God, - Lishmor et Kol
Mitzvotav Asher Anochi Mtzavcha
Hayom - to observe, to perform all His
commandments that I command you this day, Untancha Adoshem Elokecha Elyon Al Kol
Goyei Ha’Aretz - then Hashem, your God,
will make you supreme over all the nations of the earth. (Deut. 28:1) Rashi explains that the force of this emphatic
doubling of the verb ShaMA-listen. “If you take it upon yourselves, it will
become easy for you, since it is only the beginning that is hard.” Rashi, and
the Talmud before him, is offering a psychological truth about observance and
about anything new for that matter. At first the action may prove daunting and
perhaps even overwhelming. However as the action is repeated, it becomes easier
and easier and almost second nature. Rambam (Maimonides) commented that “the
more man is drawn after the paths of wisdom and justice, the more he longs for
them and desires them (Code, Teshuva 6:4) However it is not enough to listen,
but rather one must listen emphatically, that is, internalize what has been
listened to and then used.
Whether
it is observing Mitzvot or just listening to dear old dad, our daughter learned
this most valuable lesson. She can whine, and mope, but if she just listens to
me, her life will actually be OK. Of course, like B’nai Yisroel, it is all
predicated on listening, observing and then consciously acknowledging that it actually
works. Hopefully she learned her lesson
this time and I won’t have to spend the rest of her teenage years watching her
re-learn this lesson. Well, good luck with that!
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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