"When I Was A Young Man, I Needed Good Luck" (Robert Hunter & Keith Godchaux -"Let Me Sing Your Blues Away")

I admit it. Over the past few weeks I had been a bit obsessed about the Presidential Election. I would watch the news until all hours the night. I neglected to help my kids with their homework.  Thankfully, my wife picked up the slack. Well, I am back to the grind helping kids with homework. During one evening while helping our son, he decided to lament just how demanding 7th grade life has become. A quiz that required a few minutes of review, a test to prepare for, our son expressed his exasperation, his frustration offering one excuse after another. “The material is boring”, “the teacher doesn’t teach,” “It's not like I will ever use this stuff”. All this coming out of the mouth of a boy preparing for Bar Mitzvah.  The poor kid didn’t have a chance. I asked our son his age. I confirmed that he, indeed was studying for Bar Mitzvah. I clarified his “job” his “occupation”. I remarked that maybe it was time he starts to grow up a bit and exert some effort and take pride in his work. Obviously this didn’t go over well as I think he was expecting me to empathize with him. Boy was he surprised. In no uncertain words, I asked our son if he wanted me to treat him like a little boy, or a young man on the brink of assuming the responsibility of observing Mitzvot (Commandments) and being a Bar Mitzvah. I asked him how long he wanted to be treated like a little boy as opposed to a young man with responsibility as well as privileges. I suggested he think about those two terms, “little boy” and “young man” and what those terms meant to him.

This week’s Parsha is VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in S’dom and Amorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac. While the narrative highlights Avraham’s faith in God, and certainly a man worthy of receiving God’s covenant; the Parsha is replete with parent’s ill treatment of children. Avraham was willing to offer his son Yitzchak as a way of indicating his faith in God. He banished his son Ishmael into the wilderness. Certainly it is possible to evaluate Avraham’s behavior as a father as a bit negligent to say the least and perhaps abusive.

            Yet the Torah struggles with portraying Avraham’s sons as just that, sons. When we read the text, we view Yitzchak and Ishmael as little boys, helpless victims in Avraham’s displays of faith. We easily forget that Yitzchak was thirty seven years old when Avraham was asked to make him an offering to God. Ishmael’s status changes throughout the Parsha. His status changes within one narrative from verse to verse.  VaYeira HaDavar M’Ode B’Einei Avraham Al Odot B’no. VaYomer Elokim El Avraham Al Yeira B’Einecha AL HaNa’Ar v’Al Amatecha – The matter greatly distressed Avraham regarding his son. So God said to Avraham, “be not distressed over the (HaNa’ar) youth or your slave woman. (21:11-12). VaYitein El Hagar Sam Al Shichmah V’Et HaYeled V’Yishalcheha VaTeileich BaTeita B’Midbar B’Eir Shava -  He placed them on her should along with the Yeled (the boy), and sent her off… (Gen. 21:14).  Why does the text easily and seemingly so arbitrarily switch between the use of Yeled (the boy) and the Na’Ar (the youth)? The Chatam Sofer, Rabbi Moshe Shchreiber, a late 18^th early 19^th century German commentator and Halachist, points out that the term Na’ar (Youth) is used when Ishmael is home living with Avraham, and the term Yeled (boy/child) is used when Ishmael is in the wilderness cut off from his father’s influence.  A Na’Ar (a youth) was held to the same high standards that Avraham held for himself and his household. This means that as a Na’Ar, Ishmael embodied and lived up to the expectations of Avraham’s teachings. As Yeled (a boy), Ishmael was not held to the same high exacting standard of behavior and belief.

Parenting is no easy task. Quite often it is thankless. As parents we are constantly forced to make choices. Some of our choices are truly tests in our faith in God. Some of our choices leave us feeling that we are stuck between choosing the between “bad” and “worse”. Some of our choices mean that we need to know when the child is ready to transition from one stage of life to the next, from “baby” to “big boy”, from “child” to “young man”. As parents we have a responsibility to our children, to pass along morals, values, and Torah. As parents we also have the responsibility to determine how much responsibility our kids can handle as they make their way within the developmental process. As a result, we need to see our children as they are and not how we wish them to be. Only then can we help them transition from one stage of life to the next.

Peace,

Rav Yitz