Don't Worry About Tomorrow, Lord, You'll Know It When It Comes - (Bob Weir - "One More Saturday Night")

           Well, it was election night in the United States. As I did some work, the news of the mid-term elections and the future of democracy in the United States provided background noise.  However, as the night wore on, I found myself listening for the results of the candidates that my daughter’s labor union supported.  Before the polls opened I had texted her, wishing her luck, and asking her about her chances of success. I wasn’t just interested politically, nor was I interested in the labor union. However,  I was genuinely nervous for my daughter who has worked so hard on behalf of her constituency. Like a typical parent, I was worried about my daughter. I wanted her to be successful in her goal of getting those candidates that her Union supported, elected to office. However as the hours passed, the polls closed, and the results tabulated late into the night, I realized how much anxiety I had spent worrying about our daughter’s being successful in her job, a job in which success is easily evaluated. Did the candidates win or lose? Sure, I understand worrying about one’s children when they are younger and living at home. The parent perceives a sense of control and perceives the possibility of "fixing" the problem. However, my daughter is a grown woman, in her thirties, an adult. As the night wore on, I realize how little or no control, and much less able to help than I did when she was younger and living at home.

          This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gemorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first-born son and from his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.

          Throughout the Parsha, there are several examples of “questionable” parenting moments as well as “child-ing” moments. These moments include Lot offering his daughters to the mob of Sodom and Gemorrah in order to save the guests that the mob wanted to harm. The daughters don’t say a word about it. These moments include Ishmael, being sent away along with his mother. As Ishmael lies dying of thirst, Hagar leaves him so that she doesn’t have to hear him whine and walks out of earshot. God hears Ishmael’s prayer and saves him due to his merit. However nowhere do we read that Ishmael tells his mom to stay with him so he shouldn’t be alone. Finally, we read of the Akedah Yitzchak, the offering of Isaac as a test of Avraham’s faith in God. In the text, we read that Yitzchak asks Avraham about the offering, Ayeh  HaSeh L’Olah – Where is the lamb for the offering? (Gen 22:7)  From this question the Midrash Tanchuma shows an Avraham that was unsteady, shaky, and nervous about making the offering. The Midrash portrays Avraham in a much more human and troubled manner. He worried about his son’s welfare, he worried about Yitzchak. Yitzchak offers him support and strength and tries to mitigate his father’s anxiety. Yitzchak tells him not to worry and that Yitzchak will do everything he can to help his father.

          When our children are younger and we worry about them, we still have more control to “fix” the problem. Whether we fix it or not, the only thing our children can do is thank us.  However, when our children are older and we have little or no control over “fixing” the problem, it is up to our children to ease our anxiety, to tell us that “it will be OK,” “not to worry” or “I can handle it”. Then we realize that all the hard work of raising them, all the worrying as they grew up wasn’t a waste because they really can handle life.  No, I don’t stop worrying about our kids as they grow older. Rather the test is that as they grow up and mature they are able to ease my anxiety and concern by the effort they exert in striving towards their goals.

Peace,
Rav Yitz 

Walk Out Of Any Doorway; Feel Your Way Like The Day Before (Robert Hunter & Phil Lesh "Box of Rain")

            I just spent two weeks in quarantine, after I drove my twenty-year-old daughter to the University of Maryland. While down in my basement, reading books, working out on my elliptical machine, and watching the news as well as assorted Netflix movies, my daughters knew that I was always home and available for them. In the late mornings, our eighteen-year-old daughter would Whatsapp video call me from Israel. She would tell me about her classes her voice filled with excitement her face full of enthusiasm. Later on, in the early part of the afternoon, I would receive a WhatsApp message or video call from our twenty-year-old. If it was a video call, invariably she would be walking across the campus, coming from a class, her physical therapy session, or a store. Always wearing a mask, her voice too was filled with excitement to be on a big-time college campus, excited to be living in an apartment and thankful for schlepping her down to the University of Maryland. Later in the evening, I would send a message to our eldest daughter. I know that she is incredibly busy trying to get her candidate elected to the United States Congress. Usually, she would respond on a video call as well, prefacing our call by informing me that she only has a few minutes to spare because she is so busy. The campaign will be done next week. Although she looks so tired that I worry about her, her voice is also filled with excitement and passion, her face resolute as she guides a campaign to its ultimate goal.  

          This week's Parsha is Lech Lecha. In it, God commands Abram to leave his father, his homeland, and everything he has ever known, and go towards a place that God will show him later. Abram does. He heads down towards Egypt because of a famine. Eventually, Abram leaves Egypt with money, flocks, servants, and wealth. Lot, Abram's nephew, and Abram decide to part ways since each their respective flocks not only become intermingled but their hired hands fight among each other. Abram then fights against several kings in an attempt to protect Lot. Then his wife Sarai, who is barren, tells Abram to make Hagar (the maidservant) the surrogate mother. Abram listens and Hagar has a son named Ishmael. She runs away and then returns. God tells Abram a prophecy. Abram will become the father of a great nation, and that nation will become enslaved for several centuries and then will return to the land that God promised Abram. Then God instructs Abram to circumcise himself, his son Ishmael and all the males of his household. All these events are linked together by the theme of "Lech Lecha" of going, of traveling.

            The Zohar, the rabbinic book of mysticism, comments upon the first verse "Lech Lecha Mei'Artzecha uMimoladtcha, U'mibeit Avicha El Ha'Aretz Acher Areka- Go for yourself from your land, from your relatives, and from your father's house to the land that I will show you (Gen 12:1). Instead of a physical journey, the Zohar explains that Abram was commanded to embark upon a spiritual journey. The soul, while residing in the World to Come, exists in close or proximity to God. Because of the spiritual clarity and intensity revealed there, no free will and no chance for spiritual growth and advancement can occur. Like the angels, the soul in the World to Come is called an Omaid, a standee. In this World, however, we know that a person has Free Will. This means that we all have the opportunity to advance spiritually as long as we remain in this World. The soul in this world is called a Holiach, a walker, someone who goes, much like Abram went.

            Like Abram, we are all commanded to Lech Lecha. Abram walked and traveled, and so did Lot. Yet Abram epitomized the individual who retained his integrity and ideals despite the difficulties of life, and despite the growing cynicism brought on by age. Abram managed to remember that God is the end and everything else is merely a means to that end. However, all the wealth and all the prosperity are not ends in and of itself. Our daughters have left home,  They are making their way. They may have left home but not the value with which they have been raised. They may have left home, but they brought with them the lessons they have learned and applied it to their lives, their studies, and their jobs. They may have left home but wherever they are and whatever they do, they do so with the passion and joy that can only exist when they choose their respective paths. I only hope our son demonstrates the same passion and joy in whatever path he chooses.

Peace,

Rav Yitz 

"When I Was A Young Man, I Needed Good Luck" (Robert Hunter & Keith Godchaux -"Let Me Sing Your Blues Away")

I admit it. Over the past few weeks I had been a bit obsessed about the Presidential Election. I would watch the news until all hours the night. I neglected to help my kids with their homework.  Thankfully, my wife picked up the slack. Well, I am back to the grind helping kids with homework. During one evening while helping our son, he decided to lament just how demanding 7th grade life has become. A quiz that required a few minutes of review, a test to prepare for, our son expressed his exasperation, his frustration offering one excuse after another. “The material is boring”, “the teacher doesn’t teach,” “It's not like I will ever use this stuff”. All this coming out of the mouth of a boy preparing for Bar Mitzvah.  The poor kid didn’t have a chance. I asked our son his age. I confirmed that he, indeed was studying for Bar Mitzvah. I clarified his “job” his “occupation”. I remarked that maybe it was time he starts to grow up a bit and exert some effort and take pride in his work. Obviously this didn’t go over well as I think he was expecting me to empathize with him. Boy was he surprised. In no uncertain words, I asked our son if he wanted me to treat him like a little boy, or a young man on the brink of assuming the responsibility of observing Mitzvot (Commandments) and being a Bar Mitzvah. I asked him how long he wanted to be treated like a little boy as opposed to a young man with responsibility as well as privileges. I suggested he think about those two terms, “little boy” and “young man” and what those terms meant to him.

This week’s Parsha is VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in S’dom and Amorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac. While the narrative highlights Avraham’s faith in God, and certainly a man worthy of receiving God’s covenant; the Parsha is replete with parent’s ill treatment of children. Avraham was willing to offer his son Yitzchak as a way of indicating his faith in God. He banished his son Ishmael into the wilderness. Certainly it is possible to evaluate Avraham’s behavior as a father as a bit negligent to say the least and perhaps abusive.

            Yet the Torah struggles with portraying Avraham’s sons as just that, sons. When we read the text, we view Yitzchak and Ishmael as little boys, helpless victims in Avraham’s displays of faith. We easily forget that Yitzchak was thirty seven years old when Avraham was asked to make him an offering to God. Ishmael’s status changes throughout the Parsha. His status changes within one narrative from verse to verse.  VaYeira HaDavar M’Ode B’Einei Avraham Al Odot B’no. VaYomer Elokim El Avraham Al Yeira B’Einecha AL HaNa’Ar v’Al Amatecha – The matter greatly distressed Avraham regarding his son. So God said to Avraham, “be not distressed over the (HaNa’ar) youth or your slave woman. (21:11-12). VaYitein El Hagar Sam Al Shichmah V’Et HaYeled V’Yishalcheha VaTeileich BaTeita B’Midbar B’Eir Shava -  He placed them on her should along with the Yeled (the boy), and sent her off… (Gen. 21:14).  Why does the text easily and seemingly so arbitrarily switch between the use of Yeled (the boy) and the Na’Ar (the youth)? The Chatam Sofer, Rabbi Moshe Shchreiber, a late 18^th early 19^th century German commentator and Halachist, points out that the term Na’ar (Youth) is used when Ishmael is home living with Avraham, and the term Yeled (boy/child) is used when Ishmael is in the wilderness cut off from his father’s influence.  A Na’Ar (a youth) was held to the same high standards that Avraham held for himself and his household. This means that as a Na’Ar, Ishmael embodied and lived up to the expectations of Avraham’s teachings. As Yeled (a boy), Ishmael was not held to the same high exacting standard of behavior and belief.

Parenting is no easy task. Quite often it is thankless. As parents we are constantly forced to make choices. Some of our choices are truly tests in our faith in God. Some of our choices leave us feeling that we are stuck between choosing the between “bad” and “worse”. Some of our choices mean that we need to know when the child is ready to transition from one stage of life to the next, from “baby” to “big boy”, from “child” to “young man”. As parents we have a responsibility to our children, to pass along morals, values, and Torah. As parents we also have the responsibility to determine how much responsibility our kids can handle as they make their way within the developmental process. As a result, we need to see our children as they are and not how we wish them to be. Only then can we help them transition from one stage of life to the next.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

He's Come To Take His Children Home (Robert Hunter & Jerrry Garcia - "Uncle John's Band")

Now that our daughter’s Bat Mitzvah has passed, life has almost returned to normal. Yes Hurricane Sandy has affected us as several members of our family several friends from the New York Metropolitan area remain stranded with us for the week. However, despite the continued tumult and chaos that arises in these types of situations, we have adamantly tried to get our children back into the normal groove of their everyday lives and everyday schedules. This has been no easy task. They would prefer to be socializing with family and friends. With the fear of missing out on something, getting them to sit down and do homework has been a little more challenging. With the fear of missing out on something, getting them to bed has been a little more challenging. Because we have guests staying with us, our kids are astute enough to realize that we may be a bit more permissive than we ordinarily are. So, they try to push some of the limits, as well they should.  In these circumstances, I tend to play the Big Meany and enforce bedtime and schedules. Yes, this leads to some conflict between me and my children. However it also leads to conflict within me. Sure, I would love to let them stay up with cousins, aunts, uncles and friends. Absolutely, these are not ordinary circumstances, so what is the big deal if they stay up late, go to school a little late, and miss an extra-curricular activity? The big deal is that I would be selfish to keep them up and not have them on their schedule.   

This week’s Parsha is Vayeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in S’dom and Amorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.While the narrative highlights Avraham’s faith in God, and certainly a man worthy of receiving God’s covenant; the Parsha is replete with parent’s ill treatment of children. Avraham was willing to offer his son Yitzchak as a way of indicating his faith in God. Lot, (Avraham’s nephew) was willing to give up his daughter to the Sodomite mob in order to protect his two guests: the visiting angels. Avraham and Lot’s behavior, from a parental standpoint, is reprehensible. Certainly Lot’s behavior is more troubling since his misplaced and extreme display of hospitality came at the expense of voluntarily offering his daughters as replacements for the mobs desire for the guests.

However, as troubling as these examples of negligent behavior are, even more troubling is Hagar’s behavior. Upon her and her son’s banishment from Avraham’s camp are the six verses that describe how Hagar and Ishmael are saved.  The water runs out and Hagar places Ishmael in the shade beneath a tree. VaTeilech VaTeishev Lah Mi’Neged Harcheik Kimtachavi Keshet Ki Amrah Al Ereh B’Mot HaYeled Va’Teishev MiNeged VaTisah Et Kolah VaTeivk – She went and sat herself down at a distance, some bowshot away, for she said, “Let me not see the death of the child.” And she sat at a distance, lifted her voice and wept (Gen. 21:16). On the one hand we can understand the mother unable to deal with the pain of watching her son die. Rashi explains that the term Va’Teishev MiNeged is mentioned twice. It suggests Keivan Sh’Karav LaMut Hosifa l’Hitracheik that she moved even further away from her son. As his moaning and sighing and crying intensified, she tried to move further and further out of earshot because she was so uncomfortable. Rather than setting aside her discomfort and caring for her dying son, she all but abandoned him. The text then tells us, Va’Yishmah Elokim et Kol HaNa’ar – and God heard the cry of the youth (Gen. 21:17). God did not respond to Hagar’s outcry and her anguish. God responded to the child. Ishmael’s survival was not due to the merit of his mother, but rather because of the merit of his father.

Parenting is no easy task. Quite often it is thankless. As parents we are constantly forced to make choices. Some of our choices are truly tests in our faith in God. Some of our choices leave us feeling that we are stuck between choosing the between “bad” and “worse”. However by abdicating our responsibility, by walking away from our responsibilities and choices, by walking away from comforting our children, it seems that we are fundamentally neglecting our children. As parents we have a responsibility to our children, to pass along morals, values, and Torah. As parents we have the responsibility of passing along life to our children, both physical as well as spiritual. So, I put our kids to bed, and I see how tired they are. They realize how tired they are. They understand that in my own way, I care very deeply about their health and welfare. While they may be upset with me, I tell them that I love them, and they tell me the same.

Peace,

Rav Yitz