A
few days ago I conducted a funeral. While meeting with the family prior to the Levayah
(funeral), I was asked if I believed that people could change, change their behavior and even their personality. Certainly, Judaism is
pretty clear about the possibility of change. Because Judaism is behaviorally
based and not dogmatically based, we believe that if the behavior changes, then
ultimately the individual will change. Among the most prevalent themes of the
Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) is the notion that we are capable of changing our
behavior, changing ourselves, improving ourselves and becoming better versions
of ourselves. Certainly, I want to believe that, and as a Rabbi that is my
first response. However I don’t think it is so simple. Changing a personality,
changing who we are, changing our core seems a rather daunting task. Several
years ago, a book by Stephen Guise entitle Mini Habits: Smaller Habits Bigger
Result appeared. The theory, based upon Lao Tzu’s famous pearl of wisdom “The
journey of a thousand miles begins with a small step”, begins with the brutally
realistic view of human nature. Guise explains change is predicated upon two
ingredients: intention and over estimating competence. Big intentions and big
ambitions are worthless if they don’t bring results. The lack of intended
result harms and defeats the person and then he/she will eventually stop the
process. The Dunning-Kruger effect is a cognitive bias that people generally
over estimate their competencies. For Guise, this means that “self-control” is
a competency and, in general we think we have much more self-control than we
really do. This unrealistic evaluation of our self-control also contributes to
our inability to change.
This
week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion.
We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member
of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on
behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place
where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds and altar, and receives
the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to
Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the
Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies
as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally we read a list of Yaakov’s
children as well as Esav’s.
Yaakov’s
trepidation prior to his re-union with his brother stems from the one
unanswered question. Has Esav really changed? Yaakov just crossed the Yabok
River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav. VaYaratz
Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon
his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). Certainly at first
blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly it appears that the
decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother. It appears that Esav has changed. The plain
meaning of the text suggests this. However, the plain text, the simple meaning
is focused upon behavior, upon the margins and not at the core. Imagine not
seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach;
the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would
it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault
instead of a loving embrace? While wondering about the hug, what happens when
the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of
brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”? Yet all these questions were
cause for Yaakov’s trepidation during this reunion.
One
thing is clear however, the narrative concludes with Esav first expressing a
desire to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov
politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggest that some of his armed men should
escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely
responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion), Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my Lords eyes.
VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah
So Esav started back that day on his way
toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah
- but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen.
33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. They don’t hug and kiss each
other good bye, or at least the Torah text doesn’t tell us that they hugged and
kissed each other good bye. Rather there is an offer by Esav to take Yaakov to
Seir. Perhaps Esav thought he was being nice, perhaps he was trying to lull
Yaakov into a trap and planned to wipe out Yaakov and his family later. Yaakov understood that while his brother’s
outward behavior may have changed, it was more realistic to assume that his
core, big brother Esav hadn’t changed at all, For the sake of the future safety
of his family Yaakov was best served by staying as far away as possible from
his brother.
Yes, at first blush it was so easy for Yaakov
and Esav to hug and kiss each other, to weep together. Over the course of twenty years, maybe each
had marginally softened, perhaps they had become better versions, more honest
versions of themselves. However, at their respective cores, Yaakov, ever the
spiritual clinger now grasps firmly to Hashem. This is worthy of a new name or
an additional name: Israel. Esav, ever
the hunter, would wait for his prey to grow careless then go in for the kill.
There is nothing in the text to suggest that Esav has an ability to engage in
introspection. He hunts. His viewpoint is external, the prey. At the core, he
is who is. So do people change? It seems that change is only possible if they
are brutally honest and they are inclined to embrace the effort required to
engage in mini habits with an eye towards big results.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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