Maybe I am getting mellower as I get older. Although, my family would passionately disagree. Perhaps, all the gray hair on my head and in my beard indicates that instead of becoming mellower, I have truly become wiser. I am sure my family scoffs at that characterization as well. Maybe the wisdom that is embodied in all my gray indicates wisdom at choosing battles, especially with my children. One such seemingly minor event occurred on Monday of Labour Day when I spent most of the day running errands with my seventeen-year-old daughter. When we began, she gave me the list of errands, and only one caught my attention and was worth a follow-up question or two. She wanted to stop at a store and get a second ear piercing. I chuckled and she asked if I had any problem with her request. Now if I was younger, as I was with our eldest daughter, I would have said absolutely not, I would have told her that she can do that when she goes off on her “gap” year in Israel or while she is away at University. In fact, I did say to her two older sisters when they made a similar request. I asked why she wanted a second piercing. Her response was truly insightful. She explained that she didn’t have to ask. She could have borrowed the car and went to get the second ear piercing or pierce some other part of her body. She explained that at her age she could have done any number of things to “rebel”, to express her independence, and her individuality. I asked her one simple question. Is it more important to get the second piercing or rebel?
This Shabbat, we read Parsha Ki Teitzeh. Moshe teaches us the laws concerning war, creating an environment for soldiers to behave as honorably as possible. We learn that everyone, whether “loved” or “hated” has rights under the law as well as entitlements. We learn that every one of us is responsible for the other. If we see something that has been lost by our neighbor then we pick it up and return it. Moshe re-iterates that human relationships can either be holy, between a husband and wife and between parents and children or unholy by crossing the boundaries of those relationships. Moshe reminds the people that children will not be punished for the sins of their parents, nor will parents be punished as a result of their children. In such a situation there would be no need to add punishment since the parents of the child or the children of the parent would be punished enough just having been touch by the situation. Essentially this morning’s Parsha is all about human relationships designed to maintain individual holiness as well as communal holiness.
So it is troubling that we are confronted with one of the most controversial commandments of the Torah. Ki Yiheyeh L’Ish Bein Sorer U’Moreh Einenu Shomeiah B’kol Aviv U’vkol Imo, If a man will have a wayward and rebellious son, who does not hearken to the voice of his father and the voice of his mother V’Yisru Oto v’Lo Yishmah Aleihem and they discipline him, but he does not hearken to them, then his father and mother shall grasp him and take him out to the elders of his city and the gate of his place. They shall say to the elders of the city, B’Neinu Zeh Sorer U Moreh “This son of ours is wayward and rebellious, he does not hearken to our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.” All the men of his city shall pelt him with stones and he shall die; U’viarta HaRah Mikirbecha and you shall remove the evil from your midst (Deut. 21:18-21). The literal meaning of the verses suggests that in the extreme case of an evil child who is beyond help and clings to evil the way the rest of the community clings to holiness, such a child must be eliminated. First, we should all recognize the fact that Moshe’s presentation of the “Rebellious Child” is theoretical. The Talmud makes the point that “there never was nor will there ever be” a child to be put to death based upon this law. If, as the sages explain, that “there never was nor will there ever be a child put to death base upon this law” then the why is here in the Torah. Some of the commentators suggest that it is an implied primer for child-rearing and inculcating the child with the parents’ values. That means that the parents need to have a common consistent voice when teaching values. They must minimize any contradiction when it comes to making decisions, and transmitting values. The “rebellious son”, therefore, is an illustration of what can happen when parents are inconsistent. For Moses, the case occurs when a man has a child by the wife whom he doesn’t love as opposed to the wife whom he does love. We saw it with Jacob. He favored the son’s that were born to him by his beloved Rachel.
In the great scheme of things, a second ear piercing is no big deal. Personally, I had no problem with it. I explained that my hesitancy was a result of making sure that Mom was on board. I explained that if the ear piercing is about a child’s rebellion, then I suggested that a real rebellion would be to go and do without seeking permission but rather present it as a fait accompli. If the ear piercing is just about getting a second piercing, then I suggested she ought to inform her mother like she informed me. Because mom didn’t know about our daughter’s plan on that day, I told her that I couldn’t take her without her Mom being informed and without Mom afforded the opportunity to say her piece. I chuckled again and this time my daughter told me that she was glad that I had mellowed enough that there were far more serious child rebellions than a second ear piercing.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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