One And Only Rebel Child, From A Family Meek And M (Merle Haggard - "Mama Tried")

Maybe I am getting mellower as I get older. Although, my family would passionately disagree. Perhaps, all the gray hair on my head and in my beard indicates that instead of becoming mellower, I have truly become wiser. I am sure my family scoffs at that characterization as well. Maybe the wisdom that is embodied in all my gray indicates wisdom at choosing battles, especially with my children. One such seemingly minor event occurred on Monday of Labour Day when I spent most of the day running errands with my seventeen-year-old daughter. When we began, she gave me the list of errands, and only one caught my attention and was worth a follow-up question or two. She wanted to stop at a store and get a second ear piercing. I chuckled and she asked if I had any problem with her request. Now if I was younger, as I was with our eldest daughter, I would have said absolutely not, I would have told her that she can do that when she goes off on her “gap” year in Israel or while she is away at University. In fact, I did say to her two older sisters when they made a similar request. I asked why she wanted a second piercing. Her response was truly insightful. She explained that she didn’t have to ask. She could have borrowed the car and went to get the second ear piercing or pierce some other part of her body. She explained that at her age she could have done any number of things to “rebel”, to express her independence, and her individuality. I asked her one simple question. Is it more important to get the second piercing or rebel?

 This Shabbat, we read Parsha Ki Teitzeh. Moshe teaches us the laws concerning war, creating an environment for soldiers to behave as honorably as possible. We learn that everyone, whether “loved” or “hated” has rights under the law as well as entitlements. We learn that every one of us is responsible for the other. If we see something that has been lost by our neighbor then we pick it up and return it. Moshe re-iterates that human relationships can either be holy, between a husband and wife and between parents and children or unholy by crossing the boundaries of those relationships. Moshe reminds the people that children will not be punished for the sins of their parents, nor will parents be punished as a result of their children. In such a situation there would be no need to add punishment since the parents of the child or the children of the parent would be punished enough just having been touch by the situation. Essentially this morning’s Parsha is all about human relationships designed to maintain individual holiness as well as communal holiness.

So it is troubling that we are confronted with one of the most controversial commandments of the Torah. Ki Yiheyeh L’Ish Bein Sorer U’Moreh Einenu Shomeiah B’kol Aviv U’vkol Imo, If a man will have a wayward and rebellious son, who does not hearken to the voice of his father and the voice of his mother V’Yisru Oto v’Lo Yishmah Aleihem and they discipline him, but he does not hearken to them, then his father and mother shall grasp him and take him out to the elders of his city and the gate of his place. They shall say to the elders of the city, B’Neinu Zeh Sorer U Moreh “This son of ours is wayward and rebellious, he does not hearken to our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.” All the men of his city shall pelt him with stones and he shall die;  U’viarta HaRah Mikirbecha and you shall remove the evil from your midst (Deut. 21:18-21). The literal meaning of the verses suggests that in the extreme case of an evil child who is beyond help and clings to evil the way the rest of the community clings to holiness, such a child must be eliminated. First, we should all recognize the fact that Moshe’s presentation of the “Rebellious Child” is theoretical. The Talmud makes the point that “there never was nor will there ever be” a child to be put to death based upon this law. If, as the sages explain, that “there never was nor will there ever be a child put to death base upon this law” then the why is here in the Torah.  Some of the commentators suggest that it is an implied primer for child-rearing and inculcating the child with the parents’ values. That means that the parents need to have a common consistent voice when teaching values. They must minimize any contradiction when it comes to making decisions, and transmitting values.  The “rebellious son”, therefore, is an illustration of what can happen when parents are inconsistent. For Moses, the case occurs when a man has a child by the wife whom he doesn’t love as opposed to the wife whom he does love. We saw it with Jacob. He favored the son’s that were born to him by his beloved Rachel.

In the great scheme of things, a second ear piercing is no big deal. Personally, I had no problem with it. I explained that my hesitancy was a result of making sure that Mom was on board. I explained that if the ear piercing is about a child’s rebellion, then I suggested that a real rebellion would be to go and do without seeking permission but rather present it as a fait accompli. If the ear piercing is just about getting a second piercing, then I suggested she ought to inform her mother like she informed me. Because mom didn’t know about our daughter’s plan on that day,  I told her that I couldn’t take her without her Mom being informed and without Mom afforded the opportunity to say her piece. I chuckled again and this time my daughter told me that she was glad that I had mellowed enough that there were far more serious child rebellions than a second ear piercing.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

I Say That The Women Today Are Smarter Than The Men In Every ( Norm Span-"The Women are Smarter")

           As a father of three daughters, I have always been conscious of positive role models for my daughters. Certainly their mom is a positive role model as are the other adult women in our families. Frequently we will watch female athletes on television.  We don’t limit their watching female athletes to the stereotypical female sports such as figure skating and gymnastics. Quite often we will watch the WNBA (Women’s National Basketball Association), women’s golf, and women’s soccer. If the United States Supreme court happens to be in the news, we make sure that our daughters are aware of the Supreme Court Justices who are women. The fact that women won recent elections in the United States has also demonstrated to our daughters that women are just as capable of governing as men. However the other day, our eldest daughter was on the national news for her work during the recent elections in the United States. Our younger daughters saw this and were awe struck. It might have been one of the most special feelings I have ever had as a father. Our daughter was a positive role model for her younger sisters. Besides being proud, both her mother and I felt as if we had actually done something right in terms of raising h. Our younger daughters could finally appreciate the way that they are being raised because they see the finished product in their oldest sister.

            This week's Parsha is Chayei Sarah. The Parsha begins with the recounting the years of Sarah's life, Avraham's mourning for his wife, purchasing the land for Sarah's burial and then burying her. Avraham then tells his servant that he does not want his son, Yitzchak, marrying a Canaanite woman. Instead, the servant must return to Avraham's hometown and look for a woman from Avraham's family/ tribe. Avraham explains that the girl that returns with the servant is the right girl. Armed with treasures, camels and plenty of wealth for a dowry the servant sets off and decides that the best place to find a girl is by the local well. There the servant decides that the "right" girl is the girl who would offer him water, as well as offer water to his camels. Sure enough, Rebecca arrives at the well and fulfills the servant's standard. The servant returns with Rebecca to her family, convinces the family to let her go, and Rebecca is asked if she wants to return with the servant. Rebecca unhesitatingly responds with a yes. Now Rebecca has fulfilled the servant's requirement as well as Avraham's requirement. Upon her arrival at her new home, she sees her betrothed, and, not knowing who he was, asked the servant. The servant told her and she covered herself. Rebecca and Yitzchak are married. The Parsha concludes with Yitzchak and Ishmael burying their father, and the genealogy of Ishmael's family.

            Rivkah embodied this notion of life and legacy. These qualities are inherent to her character, as is evident in her name as well as in two subtle but strong actions. First, Rivkah offered water, a symbol of both life and Torah, to Eliezer. Then she offered water to Eliezer’s camels thereby demonstrating her menschlekite. Rivkah also possessed the ability to sustain life. She sustained Eliezer’s life by allowing him to accomplish his mission and return to Avraham with a wife for Yitzchak. Second, she sustained her own life by having the wherewithal and the strength to leave her family, a family which our sages suggest were cutthroats and cheats (Genesis Rabbah 63:4), and join a family that had received a covenant from God.

           Rivkah’s name is indicative of her character. She possesses an inherent ability to join seemingly disparate events or ideas such as life and death and make meaning from it. The Hebrew root of her name (RVK) means “join”, or “yoked together”, e.g. two oxen are joined together to pull a plow. The team must be of equal strength or the plow won’t go straight. Therefore Rivkah must be equally as strong and independent as her future husband Yitzchak. Rivkah must be strong enough to take the memory and legacy of Sarah and make it her own. This requires a very strong sense of self.             

            Rivkah also fills the spiritual vacuum, created by Sarah’s death, and this family’s future spiritual holiness. “And Yitzchak brought her into the tent of his mother; he married Rivkah, she became his wife, and he loved her; and thus was Yitzchak consoled after his mother.” (Gen 24:67)  The Rabbis explain that while Sarah lived a cloud of glory hung over her tent, her tent was known for hospitality, and a lamp remained alit from Shabbat to Shabbat. When Sarah died all these qualities died with her. However, when Rivkah was brought into the tent of his mother, all these qualities returned (Genesis Rabbah 60:16). In a sense, her soul and her mother in law’s soul, Sarah (whom she never met) joined souls and returned Sarah’s tent to the spiritual status it once knew.  Besides perpetuating life, she perpetuated the spiritual holiness necessary for joining Yitzchak in God’s covenant. Only Rivkah was able to fill the powerful memory of Sarah and still prevent herself from being overwhelmed by such a memory. Only Rivkah was able to join the generation of Avraham and Sarah with the next generation.

           Rivkah’s character offers us a model in our struggle to bridge the previous generations to the future generations. Rivkah’s character offers us a model in our struggle to join with our partners in equal respectful relationships without submerging our own identity. Rivkah’s character offers us a model as in our struggle to incorporate memory without being swallowed up by it. Finally Rivkah offers us a model of menschlekite and consideration. For our daughters, Rivkah offers a role model of a strong, independent woman who can still be part of something bigger than just herself; she can be part of a family and she can be part of a covenant.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

She Kneels Down To Gather Her Water (John Barlow & Bob Weir- 'Weather Report Suite Part II - Let it Grow")

          A friend of mine and I were talking about our eldest children. We both have daughters in their early twenties. Both of our daughters are very dedicated to their careers and graduate school. Neither one has the time to invest in a serious relationship and neither one is looking to get married. They both explain to us that they will worry about marriage in a few years, after graduate school, or when they feel that they have progressed far enough in their respective careers. As parents my friend and I would love to see our daughters meet someone and get married. Also, we take a deep sigh of relief knowing that as each of our daughters continue to mature, grow comfortable with who they are, and what is important to them, we hope that they will exercise good judgment when it comes time to make such an important decision. My friend and I make no bones about it, we hope that they will marry someone Jewish. We also hope that our daughters will marry someone that brings out the best qualities in our daughters, someone who is smart, kind, decent, and with similar values as our daughters. So instead of asking each of our daughters if she is dating someone; we ask if they go to shul, if they participate in their synagogues’ social programs. We ask them, we bother them and we probably annoy them, but they understand what we think is important. Ultimately however, they are on their own, and they have to make their own decisions.

          However, in this week's Parsha, we learn how to evaluate a person’s character. We learn how judge. This week's Parsha is Chayei Sarah. The Parsha begins with the recounting the years of Sarah's life, Avraham's mourning for his wife, purchasing the land for Sarah's burial and then burying her. Avraham then tells his servant that he does not want his son, Yitzchak, marrying a Canaanite woman. Instead, the servant must return to Avraham's hometown and look for a woman from Avraham's family/ tribe. The servant wants to know how to determine which girl is the right girl for his Master's son. Avraham answers that the girl that returns with the servant is the right girl. Armed with treasures, camels and plenty of wealth for a dowry the servant sets off and decides that the best place to find a girl is by the local well. There the servant decides that the "right" girl is the girl who would offer him water, as well as offer his camels’ water. Sure enough, Rebecca arrives at the well and fulfills the servant's standard. The servant returns with Rebecca to her family, convinces the family to let her go, and Rebecca is asked if she wants to return with the servant. Rebecca unhesitatingly responds with a yes. Now Rebecca has fulfilled the servant's requirement as well as Avraham's requirement. Upon her arrival at her new home, she sees her betrothed, and, not knowing who he was, asked the servant. The servant told her and she covered herself. Rebecca and Yitzchak are married. The Parsha concludes with Yitzchak and Ishmael burying their father, and the genealogy of Ishmael's family.

           

The story of the Yitzchak and Rebecca is one of the more unique stories in Torah. It is not a story of love at first sight. Rather the narrative has very little to do with love and has everything to do with qualities of another person, not the feeling generated by another person.  The qualities that the servant deems to be vital for his master, Avraham, and his Master’s son, Yitzchak are not based upon emotion. Instead the qualities are based upon character of the girl herself, and the narrative mentions that quality three times. The first mention occurs when the servant prays to God that a girl offers water to him and his camels. Vayomer Adonai Elohei Adoni Avraham Hakrei Nah Lfanai Hayom V'Asei Chesed Im Adoni Avraham - And he said, " Lord, God of my master Avraham, may you so arrange it for me this day that you do kindness with my master Abraham, See, I stand here by the spring of water and the daughters of the townsmen come out to draw. Let it be that the maiden to whom I shall say 'Please tip over your jug so I may drink', and who replies, 'Drink, and I will even water your camels,'…. (Gen 24:12-14) The second telling of this story is when it actually occurs. (Gen 24:15-21) The third telling of the story occurs when the servant tells it for the first time to Rebecca's family (Gen.24:42-46). These events must be significant if Torah tells us the events in three different contexts, all of which are in the same chapter.

            We all have standards of what attracted us to our husbands and wives. We all have standards of what attracted us to a person as a friend, as a client or even as a congregant and Rabbi. Torah is teaching us one vital thing. The standard is not looks. The standard is not brains. The standard is not family background, nor comportment. The Torah’s standard is to see people and evaluate their behavior. Is the person a mentsche? Are they decent? Are they compassionate? Do they perform acts of Gemilut Chasadim (Acts of Loving Kindness)?  This is the person you want for a mate, a friend, a confidant, and yes, even a Rabbi. We all have standards and requirements that allow us to make judgments. We should never allow superficial qualities  to be the basis for those judgments. God does not judge us in such a fashion. Nor should we judge others in a superficial fashion based entirely upon emotions. Emotions come and go. But the content of a person’s character should remain constant.

Peace,

Rav Yitz 

They Love Each Other, Lord You Can See That It's True (Hunter & Garcia - "They Love Each Other")

With three daughters, every so often I get anxious regarding that moment when they discover boys. Thankfully our youngest daughter is only nine and still is of the mindset that boys are “gross” just like her little brother. Our oldest is preparing to graduate from college (that’s American for “university”) and she is completely focused upon getting a job and having a career. Right now she has absolutely no interest in boys and a relationship. That leaves our twelve year old. No, she is not boy crazy in the least bit, but it has been fascinating watching her leave the “boys are gross” stage and talking with boys at the Shabbat table. For our twelve year old, boys are no longer “gross”; some of them are actually “people.” Of course, all this is my reason to worry, first the boys become “people” and then one or two becomes friends, and then comes “cute” and then comes “puppy love”, and then? Then I try to stop thinking about it and try to end my anxiety attack.

This Shabbat is the last day of Pesach. Among the additions to the Shabbat/Pesach service is the fact that we say Yizkor and commemorate the deceased. Because we are celebrating a Festival that did not have an intermediate Shabbat, but rather the last days fall on a Shabbat; we read a Megillah - a Scroll that corresponds to Pesach. ChaZaL – our sages teach us that we read Shir HaShirim, the Song of Songs. This biblical text, taken from Ketuvim (Writings) is attributed to Shlomo HaMelech – King Solomon. The eight chapters, which are song in a melody different from both Torah and Haftarah speaks of the young romantic love between a young couple. I imagine that this young couple is in their early twenties but there is no evidence that suggests a specific age. One thing is for sure, because the text begins with the words: Shir HaShirim Asher L’Shlomo – The Song of Songs by Solomon. ChaZaL explains that only a young man in throes of romantic love would write such poetry. A middle age man wouldn’t write such romantic poetry since some of the idealism of that romantic love would have waned, and certainly a older man, towards the end of life wouldn’t write of romantic love since an older man would be more scarred by life’s experience. Nevertheless, this beautiful poetry and the illusions of green meadows, deer, trees and fruit, portray a romantic vision that would great poets such as Shakespeare and Keats jealous with its use of language.

The question is why we read Shir HaShirim during the Pesach Festival. How is a nation attaining liberty remotely connected to Romantic poetry? R’Akiva, the same R’Akiva that we all read about in the Haggada at our respective sederim, comments that the Song of Songs is the holy of holies (Midrash Tanchuma). We understand that something becomes holy when it has been separated from the mundane and ordinary and elevated to a higher purpose. Certainly, Bnai Yisroel fits such a description. Throughout the story of the Yetziat Mitzrayim, when Moshe request of Pharaoh that Bnai Yisroel be released from bondage, Moshe repeatedly says to ‘Let me people go… Asher Ya’Avduni “So that they may serve me.” Clearly the purpose of being released from Pharaoh’s slavery enabled Bnai Yisroel to enter into a relationship with God. As long as Pharaoh declined Moshe’s request, the more Pharaoh prevented Bnai Yisroel from separating itself from Egypt and elevating itself for the sole purpose of entering into a sacred relationship with God. Now that Bnai Yisroel has been freed from Egypt, it can return to the sacred relationship with God, a relationship that it had not experienced for over two centuries. From that perspective, the relationship, with this generation of Bnai Yisroel is novel, idealistic and romantic. After all, within our tradition we view Hashem as our protector, we view Hashem as bound to the Jewish people much like a husband is bound to a wife. On Friday nights, we have a Kabalistic tradition of viewing the Shabbat Queen as our spiritual mate. After all, Sunday has Monday, Tuesday has Wednesday and Thursday has Friday. Can Shabbat really be left alone? According to Midrash, Shabbat is paired off with the Jewish People. (Breishit Rabba h 11:8)The Shabbat Bride serves as a symbol of that pairing off.

As Pesach draws to a close, our story doesn’t end, nor does our relationship with God draw to a conclusion. Because we are counting the Omer each evening up until 50, we understand that our job is to prepare ourselves for our long, awaited re-union with Hashem. That re-union will occur on Shavuot when we stand at Sinai to receive the Torah. Shir HaShirim merely marks the beginning of a loving relationship, a courtship prior to a marriage, a time when we should be full of romantic visions prior to entering a relationship built upon obligations. As a father of three daughters, someday all three will grow into relationships that culminate in the sanctity of marriage. For now, however, I have enough anxiety just dealing with “young romantic” love.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Handing Out Free Tickets to the Wedding of His Son (Bob Dylan - Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again)

Without giving away too many trade secrets, there are certain themes that Rabbi’s speak about depending upon the life cycle event. When I attend various life cycle events and I am a guest and not an officiant, I normally would turn to my wife or my children and whisper to them what text, verse, or Talmudic expression the officiant will use in his talk. Weddings usually involve discussing the idea of Beshert (Fate) and how God, as part of his creating and re-creating, has already pre-determined and matched up all the Jewish souls in the world. Another theme is the idea that a wife is like Chava, the first Wife. Like Chava, she will be an Ezer K’Negdo – a compliment and supplement to Adam’s soul. However, if the marriage isn’t based on a respectful relationship then there will be more K’Negdo (against him) than Ezer (help). There are several other texts which I imagine make up nearly every wedding talk I have ever heard. Imagine my surprise when the Rabbi, during a wedding I attended, spoke about life and death? This Rabbi cited the famous verse from Sefer Kohelet (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2): “Everything has its season, and there is a time for everything under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die.” When I leaned over to my wife and made a snide comment about how this marriage must be doomed since it is being compared to a "time to die." My wife looked at me and leaned over and commented that I really don’t know everything and that maybe I could learn something.

Well this week’s Parshah, Chayei Sarah. If you think about it, the narrative within the Parsha and the Parsha’s title, embody those Kohelet’s words: “Everything has its season, and there is a time for everything under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. Everything does have its season. In Chayei Sarah, life and death appear almost simultaneously. We read of Sarah’s death in terms of life: “Sarah’s lifetime was…” (Gen23:1). Then Avraham prepares for his wife’s burial. Next Avraham concentrates his focus upon the perpetuation of life. He sends his servant, Eliezer, to find a wife for his son. He sends his servant, Eliezer, to find a matriarch that can fill the void left by Sarah’s death. Rivkah embodied this notion of life and legacy. These qualities are inherent to her character, as is evident in her name as well as in two subtle but strong actions. First, Rivkah offered water, a symbol of both life and Torah, to Eliezer. Then she offered water to Eliezer’s camels thereby demonstrating her menschlekite. Rivkah also possessed the ability to sustain life. She sustained Eliezer’s life by allowing him to accomplish his mission and return to Avraham with a wife for Yitzchak. She sustained her own life by having the wherewithal and the strength to leave her family, a family which our sages suggest were cutthroats and cheats (Genesis Rabbah 63:4), and join a family that made a covenant with God.

After Eliezer receives water from this girl, we are told her name, Rivkah. Her name is indicative of her character. Her name also suggests an inherent ability to join seemingly disparate events or ideas such as life and death and make meaning from it. The Hebrew root of her name (RVK) means “join”, or “yoked together”, e.g. two oxen are joined together to pull a plow. The team must be of equal strength or the plow won’t go straight. Therefore Rivkah must be equally as strong as and independent as Yitzchak. Rivkah must be strong enough to take the memory and legacy of Sarah and make it her own. This requires a very strong sense of self.

Rivkah fills the spiritual vacuum created by Sarah’s death. Rivka will also become Avrahan in the sense that just like God shared with Avraham the prophecy; God will share the prophecy of Rivkah’s two sons with Rivkah (Parsha Toldot). Like Avraham, Rivka is the bridge between ,this family’s current state of affairs and future spiritual holiness. “And Yitzchak brought her into the tent of his mother; he married Rivkah, she became his wife, and he loved her; and thus was Yitzchak consoled after his mother.” (Gen 24:67) The Rabbis explain that while Sarah lived a cloud of glory hung over her tent, her tent was known for hospitality, and a lamp remained alit from Shabbat to Shabbat. When Sarah died all these qualities died with her. However, when Rivkah was brought into the tent of his mother, all these qualities returned (Genesis Rabbah 60:16). Besides perpetuating life, she perpetuated the spiritual holiness necessary for joining Yitzchak in God’s covenant.

Rivkah’s strong sense of self is expressed in a second rather subtle but strong action. As was the custom of the day, she veiled herself upon seeing Yitzchak (Gen 24:65). Certainly she covered herself in order to be modest. However covering herself also created a distinction from Yitzchak. She was an equal part of a team, and yet she was still her own person. Only Rivkah was able to join herself to Yitzchak without losing her sense of self. Only Rivkah was able to fill the powerful memory of Sarah and still prevent herself from being overwhelmed by such a memory. Only Rivkah was able to join the generation of Avraham and Sarah with the next generation. Fittingly, the Parshah ends as it began, with death. However now we read of Avraham’s death.

Rivkah’s character offers us a model in our struggle to bridge the previous generations to the future generations. Rivkah’s character offers us a model in our struggle to join with our partners in equal respectful relationships without submerging our own identity. Rivkah’s character offers us a model as in our struggle to incorporate memory without being swallowed up by it. Finally Rivkah offers us a model of menschlekite and consideration. Her small acts of kindness are all the difference between a warm and caring community and a cold uncaring community. Everything does have a season and there is a time for everything under heaven. This is the time we can learn from Rivkah. It is always the season to emulate such qualities.

Peace,

Rav Yitz