Our seventeen-year-old has come down with a sickness that strikes students in their final year of High School. This sickness is extremely prevalent in Canada and The United States. Our son’s U.S. and Canadian summer camp friends are coming down with this. I remember having an awful case of it when I was 17 and in my last year of high school. The sickness is called “Senior-itis”. Senioritis for students in their final year of high school focuses upon the profound desire to leave home. In some cases, the desire is so strong that the student will seek a university as far away as possible. A less severe case might mean that the student only needs to be an hour away. Because the desire to get out of the parents’ home is so powerful, life with the 12th grader can be quite strained and tense for the rest of the family. Suddenly rules are questioned, parents are considered to be overbearing and impossible to deal with. The 12th grader walks around frequently aggravated and muttering under his/her breath: “I can’t wait to get out of here.” While all this is perfectly normal and natural, it does carry one enormous risk. It is much safer to have Senioritis when the senior has already been accepted to University or at least a gap year program. Why? Senioritis also affects the 12th grader’s attitude towards school. Senioritis is most dangerous when the student has not yet been accepted because there is still the pressure to academically succeed and apply, all the while dealing with the overbearing desire to leave home. One should keep in mind that depending on the behavior of the 12th grader, the symptoms can spread. Not only to younger siblings but more importantly, it can spread to us parents. The more the 12th grader becomes impossible; the more the parents can’t wait for the child to get accepted, graduate high school, and actually leave. Obviously, some parents may be more affected than others. In our home, for example, I have become quite vulnerable to our 12th grader’s case of senioritis. Like him, I am getting to the point where I cannot wait for him to leave. However, his mother seems completely invulnerable and can’t stand the idea that he wants to leave.
This week’s Parsha offers an excellent example of the first steps towards independence, the natural need for reassurance, and mutual trust and faith between a parent and child. Many events occur in Parshat Lech Lecha. Included among these are: Abram leaving his birthplace, traveling down to Egypt and becoming wealthy, separating from Lot, his brother’s son and last blood relative, fight in a battle and killing those men responsible for territorial instability, fathering a son by his wife’s handmaid (with his wife’s approval), and finally circumcising himself at age 99 and all the males in his household, including his son Ishmael.
In this Parsha, so many things happen to Avram. He is forever running ahead of God; He is forever living life and making decisions. Avram is forever wondering if he is indeed “doing the right thing”. Like any good parent, God allows Avram to “run ahead”, be independent, and still offer the necessary parental reassurance. Noach’s relationship was very different than Avraham’s. Noach walked with God suggesting an image of a parent holding a baby’s hands as he/she learns to walk. Regarding Avram, the Torah says: “And the Lord appeared before Avram and said- Ani El Shaddai Hithaleich Lefanai Veheyei Tamim - I am El Shaddai; walk before Me and be perfect (17:1). Avram is spiritually more evolved; he can walk ahead. However, even when we allow our children to run ahead of us, or give them more and more independence, we still reassure them that we are part of their lives, and everything will work itself out. Six times Avram receives fatherly assurance in the form of a covenant. Ironically, the first time we read of this assurance is immediately following Avram’s father’s death. God tells Avram to leave his birthplace and he will become a great nation (12:2). God reassures Avram a second time while Avram, literally, walks ahead of God and keeps going until God tells him where to stop. God reiterates his covenant to Avram (12:7), thereby reassuring Avram. God reassures Avram after he made the difficult decision of separating from the last vestiges of his family of origin, Lot (his brother’s son). By re-iterating his covenant (13:14), God reassures Avram that although the decision was painful, it was correct. After worrying whether he behaved appropriately by fighting against the five kings, God re-iterates and reassures Avram a fourth time (15:4). Avram receives reassurance for the fifth time after he drives away the birds of prey that ruined the sacrifice he made to God (15:13). Avram’s sixth reassurance occurs after making the difficult decision of sending away his firstborn son Ishmael.
Avram walks ahead of God knowing that God is always around to reassure him. Ultimately this type of relationship breeds a strong sense of security, trust, and faith in the parent figure. Faith breeds faith and trust breeds trust. Certainly, our 12th-grade son might think that he is ready to begin his own version of Lech Lecha. Yet about some things, he still needs to walk with his parents and, believe it or not, still wants to walk with his parents. About other things, the frustration and aggravation that he feels towards us is merely an expression of the fact that he wants to walk on ahead of us. In both instances, he is telling us about his level of self-confidence to handle the first steps of the path of his own lifelong journey. One thing is for sure, as parents, we never stop trying to guide and teach him so when he does walk on ahead, he remains grounded in his values and the lessons that she learned. Hopefully, as he grows older and well on his journey, his aggravation with his parents will diminish. Perhaps he will even begin to appreciate the wisdom that we transmitted to him. I hope.
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