There is none except for you. Except for you I swear to it on my very soul (Robert Hunter &Jerry Garcia - "Reuben and Cerise")

          Our family spent the past week visiting family on the West Coast. While on vacation, one of the common and frequent morning questions came from my wife. Approximately 20-30 minutes after our son woke up, she would remind him to put on his Tefillin (Phylacteries) and daven Shacharit (recite the morning service). Our son wouldn’t respond. Several minutes would pass and my wife would ask “Have you started to Daven?” Again, she did not hear a response. Several more minutes would pass by and our son would walk by en route to doing whatever he decided was the morning routine while on vacation: eat breakfast, play with his cousin, or whatever fifteen-year-old teenager does in the morning while on vacation. As our son would walk by, or even enter the room where his mother was, she would look up at him and this time, express her frustration with our son because he has not only failed to put his Tefillin and daven but hasn’t acknowledged his mother and her numerous requests to do so. As our son leaves and returns to whatever he was in the midst of doing prior to his mother’s requests; my wife looks at me and says: “you’re his father, aren’t you going to tell him to put on his tefillin and daven? Why do I have to tell him?” I smile and remind her that he is fifteen, he has been putting on tefillin for nearly 2 ½ years. He knows how to put it on, he knows when to put it on, he knows how to daven Shacharit, and most importantly he intellectually understands that he is MeChayeiv (obligated) according to Halacha (Jewish Law) to daven. At some point, we must refrain from reminding and hocking him to fulfill this and any other ritual obligations. Rather, he must learn to come to this moment on his own volition, and not because his mother or father asked, cajoled, complained or yelled at him. In the long run, there is a better chance of observing and fulfilling his obligations because he holds by his halachic obligations rather than his parents holding him to those obligations. Needless to say, my wife isn’t very happy with my apparent laissez-faire attitude.
          This morning we read from Parsha Vayechi. This is the final Parsha in the book of Breishit. The Parsha begins with Yaakov calling Yosef and making him swear an oath that he will not be buried in Egypt. He also blesses his grandson’s Ephraim and Menashe. He gathers his sons together and offers each son a blessing or a prophecy. Yaakov dies and his sons take him out of Egypt and fulfill their vow. They bury their father in Heron alongside Avraham and Yitzchak and Sarah Rebecca and Leah. Afterward, the brothers fear that Yosef will finally take vengeance for their mistreatment of him. Yosef doesn’t, and the brothers and their families continue to grow and prosper in Goshen. As Yosef prepares for his death, he makes his brothers vow to take his bones out of Egypt and bury his bones in Eretz Canaan.
          Yaakov’s final dying wish is to be buried in Canaan, in the Caves of the Machpela with his ancestors, Avraham/Sarah, Yitzchak/Rivka and his wife Leah. Yaakov shares this wish with Yosef. Given his position within Egypt, Yosef would be the most likely of the sons who could arrange to fulfill Yaakov’s wish. After sharing his final wish with his beloved son Yosef; Yaakov asks Yosef to swear to him that he will carry out this final wish. To demonstrate one’s “swearing a vow,” Yaakov tells Yosef: Im Nah Matzati Chein M’Einecha If now I have found grace in your eyes Sim Nah Yadcha Tachat Yereichi put, I pray of you, your hand beneath my thigh v’Asita Imadi Chesed v’Emet –and deal kindly and truthfully with me. However, Yosef does not do as his father asks; Yosef does not put his hand beneath his father’s thigh as an indication of swearing an oath. Rather, Vayomer [Yosef] said, Anochi Eseh Chidvarecha – I personally will do as you said. Yaakov, sensing his son’s hesitation, asks Yosef to swear that he will fulfill the request. Finally, Yosef acquiesces and swears an oath to fulfill his father’s request.
          Why does Yosef hesitate? The text clearly conveys that Yosef did not make a “vow” to Yaakov when first asked. Yosef did not immediately put his hand beneath his father’s thigh as an indication of making a vow. Yosef did not immediately say “I swear to bury you with your ancestors”. Why doesn’t Yaakov’s favorite son swear to his father this last dying favor? What kind of son doesn’t swear an oath if asked by his dying father to do so if it means peace of mind and a soul at peace for his father? Yosef’s first answer indicates that he will look after the request personally. Midrash explains the difference between Avraham’s servant’s behavior and Yosef’s behavior: HaEved Asa K’Avadoto Uven Chorin Asah K’Chiruto – Rabbi Yitzchak said: The servant acted like a servant and the free man acted as a free man, The servant acted like a servant, as it says ‘And the servant put his hand beneath his [Avraham’s] thigh; While the freeman acted as a free person: ‘And he said, I will do as you said’’. As a free individual, Yosef is only bound by his conscience. He is free to question. The servant, on the other hand, has no such ability. He is bound to fulfill his obligations whether forced or unforced. The Malbim, the 17th-century commentator explains that Yosef was acting as a son should. Yosef was trying to act out of filial responsibility, based upon his own free will rather than a servant who is bound by oaths.
          There are moments where one’s own volition is not enough to fulfill a final wish. Yaakov makes Yosef swear the oath because he wants Yosef to acknowledge an authority greater than his own. He also wants Yosef to acknowledge an authority greater than Pharaoh. Yaakov wanted Yosef to be completely powerless and act solely on behalf of his father. Under normal circumstances, according to ChaZaL – our Talmudic sages of Blessed Memory, the acceptance of Torah and its commandments are an acknowledgment and acceptance of an external authority greater than ourselves. Intrinsic to that acceptance is a humbling awareness that we are not all that powerful or in control of every aspect of life. Of course, as our son hears me explain that the less she reminds him, the greater the chance that he will eventually choose and then obligate himself. Of course, by obligating himself he is ultimately establishing a relationship with God and obligating himself to God and not his mother nor me. It is part of the growing up process. For me, watching my son grow up to wholeheartedly accept and fulfill these ritual obligations brings me comfort that his mother and I have done something right. Growing up to be a mentsch, a kind, and decent person is perhaps the greatest kindness that our son and his three sisters could bestow upon their mother and me.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

If Mercy's In Business, I Wish It For You (Robert Hunter & Mickey Hart - "Fire On The Mountain")

During the excitement of the last couple of weeks in the world of baseball, (The Kansas City Royals defeat of the Toronto Blue Jays in 6 games to win the American League Championship Series and Kansas City’s defeat of the New York Mets in 5 games to win the World Series,), and Canadian politics, (the recent victory of the Liberal Party and Justin Trudeau), the stabbings continued in Israel. Recently one of those who was murdered caught my attention. His name was Richard Lakin, a 76 year old man from Newton Massachusetts who made Aliyah in the 1980’s. Prior to making Aliyah, Mr. Lakin was a Glastonbury, Connecticut Elementary School Principal.  This was a man who participated in the Freedom Rides in the early 1960s as part of the America Civil Rights Movement. When he arrived in Israel he and his wife opened up a business teaching English language to Israeli and Palestinian children and he was very involved in the CoExist movement that attempts to bring Israeli and Palestinian youth together teaching them to listen and learn from each other. He recently wrote a book entitled Teaching as an Act of Love: Thoughts and Recollections of a Former Teacher, Principal, and Kid. Here was a man whose life’s purpose was to help young people, to educate young people in tolerance, to expose them to new ideas, and perspectives. Here was a man who saw young people as a symbol of home for a better future and therefore such symbols, such beings must be nurtured with kindness and understanding. He was shot and stabbed by Palestinian teenagers who have become the symbol of worse future, and intolerant future. Ironically, these Palestinian Teen Age terrorist, murdered the wrong guy. This was a person who tried to help everyone.

This week we read from Parsha Chayei Sarah. This week's Parsha is Chayei Sarah. The Parsha begins with the recounting the years of Sarah's life, Avraham's mourning for his wife, purchasing the land for Sarah's burial and then burying her. Avraham then tells his servant that he does not want his son, Yitzchak, marrying a Canaanite woman. Instead, the servant must return to Avraham's hometown and look for a woman from Avraham's family/ tribe. The servant wants to know how to determine the appropriate girl for his master's son. Avraham answers that the girl that returns with the servant is the right girl. Armed with treasures, camels and plenty of wealth for a dowry the servant sets off and decides that the best place to find a girl is by the local well. There the servant decides that the "right" girl is the girl who would offer him water, as well as offer water to his camels. Sure enough, Rebecca arrives at the well and fulfills the servant's standard. The servant returns with Rebecca to her family, convinces the family to let her go, and Rebecca is asked if she wants to return with the servant. Rebecca unhesitatingly responds with a yes. Now Rebecca has fulfilled the servant's requirement as well as Avraham's requirement. Upon her arrival at her new home, she sees her betrothed, and, not knowing who he was, asked the servant. The servant told her and she covered herself. Rebecca and Yitzchak are married. The Parsha concludes with Yitzchak and Ishmael burying their father, and the genealogy of Ishmael's family.

This Parsha is the first Parsha that focuses upon two powerful lifecycle events: Death and Marriage. Ironically the majority of the Parsha focuses upon marriage and the story of how Yitzchak and Rivka met. However it is the brief narrative of Avraham’s dealing with the death of his wife that we are taught what is involved in Meit Mitzvah, in caring for the deceased. According to Jewish Law there are three obligations in caring for the deceased: 1) Tahara or washing the body. This is a form of purification, much like a women or a convert enters a Mikvah (the Ritual Bath). 2) Burial was manifest in the protracted negotiation between Avraham and Ephron as Avraham ultimately purchased the Caves of the Machpelah in Hebron in order to bury his wife.  3) Hesped- Eulogizing the deceased. VaYavoh Avraham Lispod L’Sarah V’Livkotah- “And Avraham came to eulogize Sarah and to bewail her (Gen23:2).  The commentators explain that eulogizing someone means to speak of the righteous traits that embody the individual. For Avraham this meant seeing Sarah’s life in phases: Meah Shana, V’Esrim Shana, V’Shevah Shanim – A Hundred Years, Twenty Years, and Seven Years. Rashi explains that in each of these phases there were certain righteous qualities that Sarah embodied. Regarding Avraham’s weeping, Rabbi Shimshon Raphael Hirsch explained that the word Livkota with a diminutive letter in the text, teaches us that a small aspect of Avraham’s grief and mourning remained private.

This first funeral, first burial, and first process of mourning provides a model of how the Jewish people mourn. We offer words that speak of the righteous qualities of the deceased. We publicly mourn utilizing various symbols and public expressions of mourning but there is always an aspect of grief that remains private. For Richard Lakin, who possessed righteous qualities in the various phases of his life, he will be mourned by his family, an ex-wife, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren because they lost the patriarch of a family. He will be mourned by the Israel and the Jewish people because he was a mentsche that did great acts of Chesed- Selfless acts of kindness in a troubled world both in the United States and in Israel. He should be mourned by the Palestinians because more than anything else, they need Israelis and Jews like Richard to create bridges of understanding as a means of arriving at coexistence and respect.

Peace,
Rav Yitz