Look Through Time, It's For Sure, It's The Greatest Gift To Man (Willie Dixon, Bob Weir, & Rob Wasserman - "Eternity")

          I remember when I was a college student (approximately 35 years ago) the end of January and the beginning of February marked the time of year that my father made arrangements for the payment of 2nd-semester tuition. Also, this was always the time of year that I told my parents and grandparents about my 2nd-semester courses. Twenty-one years after I graduated,  our eldest daughter headed off to University. The pattern continued. Around this time of year, I made arrangements for 2nd-semester tuition to be paid. Thankfully, we set aside a portion of savings for college/university. Our eldest daughter would dutifully call me, her grandparents and great-grandfather, and tell us about her 2nd-semester courses.  Back then, when I would speak to our eldest daughter’s grandparents, and great-grandfather, they would kvell with pride, saying “it is money well spent to see our grandaughter/ great-grandaughter thrive at university.” Despite the U.S. dollar price tag, I agreed with them.  Now, thirty-five years after I graduated from college, the grandparents have grown older and the great grandfather has been deceased for nearly ten years.  Two more daughters both attend university and the family has been setting aside a portion of savings. Once again, as January concluded and February began I made arrangements for two 2nd semester tuitions to be paid.  Both daughters routinely call and speak with us (the parents) and their grandparents, telling us about their classes and college life. Whenever I speak to our kids' grandparents and we talk about how their college-age granddaughters, both grandfather, and grandmother “kvell”, beaming that “it is money well spent to see their grandaughters intellectually and emotionally thrive. Despite the steep price tag, I agree with them. 

          This Shabbat we read from Parsha Terumah. In it, Moshe has re-ascended the mountain in order to receive the laws, and the blueprint, if you will, for the construction of the Mishkan, the portable tabernacle that will eventually permit B’nai Yisroel to gather, to make offerings to God, and to provide a physical dwelling for God. If you are an architect, or if you are an interior decorator, this Parsha goes into tremendous detail about Mishkan’s construction and decoration. More than anything, this Parsha is all about fundraising, financial development, and a  community getting behind a concrete common cause as opposed to the shared experience of revelation or shared words of the law.

          Before all the detail are presented for construction and decoration, God commands Moshe to tell B’nai Yisroel that the funding for this vital public works project will come from each individual V’Yikchu Li Terumah Mei’eit Kol Ish Asher Yidvenu Libo Tikechu et Terumati – They shall take for Me a portion, from every man whose heart motivates him, you shall take my portion (Ex. 25:2). The holiest spot within the community, the most sacred area is based upon each and every individual apportioning a percentage of their assets to the construction of, decoration of, and maintenance of the Mishkan. How incredibly equitable! Everyone is involved and everyone has a stake in the outcome. All this fundraising success occurs as a result of Yidvenu Libo- literally, he will donate according to his heart. This is not a tax. These funds were to be raised by voluntary donations. The Or Hachayim (Rabbi Chaim Ibn Attar 18th century Moroccan Talmudist, Torah Commentator, and Kabbalist) explains that three phrases, three expressions correspond to three degrees of “gifts”/ “donations”.  He explains that the phrase: Mei’eit Kol Ish, from every man, appears superfluous. The verse could have easily been written without it so that the new verse would have read: They shall take for me a portion from anyone whose heart motivates (from anyone willing to donate), you shall take my portion. Why is the phrase necessary? The verse speaks of “Terumah -gift” and “Terumati – my gift.” The term “my gift” cannot be used except when the donor has done so willingly. The donor could not have been coerced. According to the Midrash, this Mishkan, this “mobile worship station” was a form of atonement for Golden Calf (Jerusalem Talmud Shekalim 1:5). This phrase “from every man” indicates that each individual person made a donation (an offering) above and beyond the designated “atonement tax”.  “From every man” also indicates that economic station and social status were irrelevant. The motivation was based upon “one’s heart” and not some external authority.

          The value of setting aside “a portion” was meant as a mechanism for B’nai Yisroel to participate in the relationship with God.  For a family, setting aside a portion as a gift towards children and grandchildren’s college education was instilled by my grandfather. He never went to college. He barely went to high school since he had to help support his family. He used to explain that the greatest gift he received was witnessing and listening to his children and grandchildren become educated adults. I think he would be proud to know that his legacy continues. Parents and grandparents continue to experience nachas, (joy and pride) in witnessing and listening to children and grandchildren become university-educated adults. Indeed, the ability to give them “their” gift has been an incredibly meaningful gift for us.  

Peace,

Rav Yitz

   

Promises Made In The Dark Dissolve By Light Of Day (Robert Hunter & Bob Weir - "Easy Answers")

           With the new year set to begin on Shabbat, there is a wonderful opportunity to look back on the year that was, and hold out hope for the year that will be.  Looking back at the year that was, the tragic loss of life, and the continued spread of Covid, some might question his/her faith in God. In looking forward to the new year, some might put his/her faith in God, in mankind, in both, or in none. Some may question faith. For others, their faith remains firm and unbending.  With two University age daughters home (one on winter break and one online heading into final exams) and our 12th-grade son who cannot wait to go to university, there is a lot of discussion regarding “authority”, “faith”, and there is a lot of questioning “authority” and “faith”. During one discussion with our children, I was reminded of an event that took place several years ago.  A congregant came into my office crying. “Rabbi, Rabbi, I have horrible news and I don’t know what to do!” My thoughts immediately went to the worst-case scenarios: her husband had been stricken with a terminal illness or that she discovered that one of her children was addicted to drugs, or she was deciding to get out of her marriage. Of course, all of my “worst-case scenario” thoughts were particularly troubling because this family was a pillar in the community. They were an extremely generous family, generous with their money and their time. They were in Shul all the time. Each of their two children was a mentsche, smart, Jewishly aware, and observant. I could not imagine what possible could be the crisis that this distraught woman brought into my office. “What is it?” I asked. With a heavy sigh, and eyes welling up in tears she explained that her son, who was a sophomore in college (2nd-year university students for Canadians), called her the other night and he told her that he no longer believed in God. I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “For a minute there some horrible tragedy had occurred in your family. So, Nu? What’s the problem? What’s the crisis?” She could not understand why I was smiling. Her son’s declarative statement expressing disbelief in God, apparently made her feel inadequate as a parent and challenged the foundation of her own belief system. I explained that for an intellectually honest and curious college student to think and express such thoughts is not only healthy and normal but also vital to the process of developing and strengthening faith. Most 19-year-old young men feel neither mortal nor limited. Everything is possible,  and they feel all-powerful as if they can “handle anything”. Under such circumstances and with such an attitude, who needs God? Instead of a belief in God, there is a profound belief in oneself.

           This Shabbat is Parsha V’Eira. In this Parshah, God reassures Moshe after Pharaoh and mocked and dismissed both him and Aharon. God explains the plan to Moshe, that Pharoah’s heart will be hardened after each plague but eventually Pharaoh will capitulate. God explains the various stages of redemption. The plagues begin. We are supposed to understand that each of these first seven plagues is more severe than the previous plague: Blood, Frogs, Lice, Wild Beasts, Animal plague, Boils, Hail. Moshe requests that Pharaoh allows B’nai Yisroel to worship God for three days, Pharaoh sometimes acquiesces sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes he asks Moshe to pray on his behalf and sometimes he doesn’t. One thing is clear, that whenever Pharaoh gets his way (a plague ceases), something that would clearly indicate the power of God, Pharaoh acts almost like a child. He reverts right back to his nature.

          Hail, the seventh plague, devastates the land. Hail destroyed any living being, person or animal that was outside during the plague. Witnessing the devastation and destruction of land and life; Pharaoh’s belief system appears to have evolved. Rather than dismissing the plague, rather than demonstrating a self-centered attitude in which Pharaoh is all powerful, Pharaoh seems to have acquired a degree of humility.  Vayishlach Paroh Va’Yikrah L’Moshe U’le’Aharon Vayomer Aleihem Chatati HaPa’am Adonay  HaTzaddik v’Ani V’Ami Harsha’im – Pharaoh sent and summoned Moshe and Aaron and said to them, “This time I have sinned; Hashem is the Righteous One, and I and my people are the wicked ones (Ex. 9:27). Pharaoh asks Moshe to pray on his behalf to end the plague. He seems to be genuine in his belief. By acknowledging sin, by explicitly calling God the Righteous One, Pharaoh not only acknowledges the fact that God exists but admits that Pharaoh is not a God. Unfortunately, as soon as the plague ends, Pharaoh sins again and refuses to let B’nai Yisroel leave. However, now Pharaoh is choosing to ignore that which he has come to legitimately accept. The Parsha concludes with Pharaoh committing the sin of ignoring God based upon his own willful stubbornness not ignoring based upon the failure of recognition.

           Pharaoh, like the 19-year-old college student, obviously believes he is the center of the world. Time and History begin and end with him. Pharaoh, like the 19-year-old, believes he is immortal and without limitations. At times, it is our process as well. We constantly question and wonder about God. Like Pharaoh, ultimately our belief in God cannot be solely confined to experiencing miracle after miracle. Rather our belief, our complete and devoted faith in God will evolve from the small things in life. Unlike Pharaoh, hopefully that 19-year-old son of my former congregant learned what so many learn as they mature. Hopefully, he has a sense of mortality, hopefully he understands that he is not all powerful, hopefully he has come to learn to rely on on others. Hopefully, he understands that he is not the center of the universe, nor has much control over the universe.  Hopefully, as he developed his own faith, he was able to sense God in the presence of his life and his family’s life.

Shabbat Shalom,
Rav Yitz

Walk Out Of Any Doorway; Feel Your Way Like The Day Before (Robert Hunter & Phil Lesh "Box of Rain")

            I just spent two weeks in quarantine, after I drove my twenty-year-old daughter to the University of Maryland. While down in my basement, reading books, working out on my elliptical machine, and watching the news as well as assorted Netflix movies, my daughters knew that I was always home and available for them. In the late mornings, our eighteen-year-old daughter would Whatsapp video call me from Israel. She would tell me about her classes her voice filled with excitement her face full of enthusiasm. Later on, in the early part of the afternoon, I would receive a WhatsApp message or video call from our twenty-year-old. If it was a video call, invariably she would be walking across the campus, coming from a class, her physical therapy session, or a store. Always wearing a mask, her voice too was filled with excitement to be on a big-time college campus, excited to be living in an apartment and thankful for schlepping her down to the University of Maryland. Later in the evening, I would send a message to our eldest daughter. I know that she is incredibly busy trying to get her candidate elected to the United States Congress. Usually, she would respond on a video call as well, prefacing our call by informing me that she only has a few minutes to spare because she is so busy. The campaign will be done next week. Although she looks so tired that I worry about her, her voice is also filled with excitement and passion, her face resolute as she guides a campaign to its ultimate goal.  

          This week's Parsha is Lech Lecha. In it, God commands Abram to leave his father, his homeland, and everything he has ever known, and go towards a place that God will show him later. Abram does. He heads down towards Egypt because of a famine. Eventually, Abram leaves Egypt with money, flocks, servants, and wealth. Lot, Abram's nephew, and Abram decide to part ways since each their respective flocks not only become intermingled but their hired hands fight among each other. Abram then fights against several kings in an attempt to protect Lot. Then his wife Sarai, who is barren, tells Abram to make Hagar (the maidservant) the surrogate mother. Abram listens and Hagar has a son named Ishmael. She runs away and then returns. God tells Abram a prophecy. Abram will become the father of a great nation, and that nation will become enslaved for several centuries and then will return to the land that God promised Abram. Then God instructs Abram to circumcise himself, his son Ishmael and all the males of his household. All these events are linked together by the theme of "Lech Lecha" of going, of traveling.

            The Zohar, the rabbinic book of mysticism, comments upon the first verse "Lech Lecha Mei'Artzecha uMimoladtcha, U'mibeit Avicha El Ha'Aretz Acher Areka- Go for yourself from your land, from your relatives, and from your father's house to the land that I will show you (Gen 12:1). Instead of a physical journey, the Zohar explains that Abram was commanded to embark upon a spiritual journey. The soul, while residing in the World to Come, exists in close or proximity to God. Because of the spiritual clarity and intensity revealed there, no free will and no chance for spiritual growth and advancement can occur. Like the angels, the soul in the World to Come is called an Omaid, a standee. In this World, however, we know that a person has Free Will. This means that we all have the opportunity to advance spiritually as long as we remain in this World. The soul in this world is called a Holiach, a walker, someone who goes, much like Abram went.

            Like Abram, we are all commanded to Lech Lecha. Abram walked and traveled, and so did Lot. Yet Abram epitomized the individual who retained his integrity and ideals despite the difficulties of life, and despite the growing cynicism brought on by age. Abram managed to remember that God is the end and everything else is merely a means to that end. However, all the wealth and all the prosperity are not ends in and of itself. Our daughters have left home,  They are making their way. They may have left home but not the value with which they have been raised. They may have left home, but they brought with them the lessons they have learned and applied it to their lives, their studies, and their jobs. They may have left home but wherever they are and whatever they do, they do so with the passion and joy that can only exist when they choose their respective paths. I only hope our son demonstrates the same passion and joy in whatever path he chooses.

Peace,

Rav Yitz 

Out Of The Door And Into The Street All Alone (Robert Hunter, Jerry Garcia, Phil Lesh, & Bob Weir - "Truckin'"

Like parents of many 18-year-old children here in North America, we said “good-bye” to ours as she left for her gap year in Israel. There were about 30 sets of parents at the Toronto airport, all from our daughter’s school, saying goodbye. Yes, some of those kids will return to Toronto and attend university in Toronto and live at home. Some will go attend university and college out of town (most likely our daughter will be in this category), some will remain in Israel for a second year of study and some will make Aliyah and stay. No matter which category the eighteen year old falls into, I have explained to our daughter that a fundamental change is occurring. She will now have two homes, a home where her parents live and that she will either frequently or infrequently visit, and home is where she lives her life. For me, as a parent and for many of the parents who were saying goodbye at the airport, our focus was upon our children leaving home. Sure enough, there were lots of tears, many mothers and fathers cried.  Our family was not spared. However in the few moments that I had alone with our daughter, I explained that this is what parents sign up for, raise them, feed them clothe them, educate them, instill values, morals, and as many life lessons as possible in order diminish the risk when they do leave; however a child’s leaving is inevitable. I looked into my daughter’s big hazel eyes and re-assured her that she is ready to leave, to embark on her journey confront life and live life without mommy and daddy involved on a daily basis.

This week's Torah portion is Ki Teitzei. Moshe continues with listing laws such as: rights of the firstborn for inheritance, the wayward rebellious son, lost and found property, sending a mother bird from the nest when procuring the egg from the nest, tzitzit, false accusations, forbidden marriages, charging interest, divorce, workers’ rights to timely payment, honesty in weights and measures and remembering Amalek. That is just to name a few. All these laws reflect one extremely relevant idea. Judaism is not just a ritualized religion that takes on import three times a year, or only at life cycle events. Judaism is a way of life.  

Anything, any idea that is considered to be a “way of life” must be relevant in two places, in the home (a sanctuary) and outside the home where life is much less ideal than the home/sanctuary. Certainly, we can read the first verse as Moshe’s instructions regarding the appropriate manner to behave while fighting a war.  Ki Teitzeh LaMilchama Al Oyvecha UnTano Adoshem Elokecha B’Yadecha  - When you will go out to war against your enemies, and Hashem, your God, will deliver him [your enemies] into your hand (Deut. 10:11). Yes, Moshe presentation of these laws suggests that there is an inevitability about going out to wage war. Rashi clarifies by explaining that this B’Milchemet HaRashut-an optional war. The sages explained that biblically speaking, an “optional war” is any war other than a war of the conquest of the Land of Canaan and the war against Amalek. Those wars are not optional but rather the fulfillment of a direct commandment. According to Sforno (the great Italian Renaissance commentator), “an optional” war is any war outside Israel or a political war.” Sforno’s comment is fascinating because it forces us to understand Moshe’s statement about Ki Tetzei La Milchama from a figurative and perhaps even a spiritual dimension. Moshe is speaking to “you” in the singular, “you” the individual. The Torah never said that he was addressing the only the army. Each and every one of “you” wages a war of Reshut, an optional war. The individual “You” wages war against inner demons, against peer pressure, against that which is convenient and easy. “You” the individual wages a war against the monotony of routine. One thing is for certain, from Moshe’s perspective, war is waged upon Ki Teitzeh upon “going out”, leaving the “friendly confines”, leaving the “nest”, leaving the warmth and safety of the home and a sanctuary.

Reading Ki Teitzeh in a figurative manner, gave new meaning to our daughter’s leaving for Israel. Yes, I am her father and yes, I am protective. However, I know that protecting her means that her mother and I accept the inevitability of her leaving and it is our job to give her the tools, the “weapons” so to speak, in order to deal with life, people, and her own insecurities and anxieties. So when I hugged my daughter goodbye, and when I blessed her through my tearing eyes, I also reminded her that she was ready for this and I lovingly reminded her code, her way of life is applicable not only to our home, the home she was raised in, but the home that she will be making for herself.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Steal Your Face Right Off Your Head (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia- "He's Gone"

          My wife and I are very different. She gets very emotional about every milestone our children reach. Normally with the arrival at a milestone, my wife will think that our child in question has grown older which of course means that she has grown older. I don’t necessarily see our children’s’ milestones as a reflection of my aging. I’m older and I feel that way. No, I can’t believe that we at the milestone, I can’t believe that the child in question is really old enough to achieve this milestone, and I wonder if reaching the milestone will give them a sense of maturity and becoming a person. Three of our four children reached milestones this week. Our 12^th grader had to make a decision about college/university. So she will spend a year in Israel and with the intention of going university in the U.S. Our 10^th grader just turned 16 and she will be taking her G1 test (permit test in America) before the end of the May. Since we had already sent a daughter to college and we have had two daughters turn 16; I wasn’t too emotional about either milestone. However, I was happy for both daughters who reached their respective milestone. However, it was the milestone of our son, our youngest child, which I found most meaningful. Since the second night of Pesach, as is the custom associated with Sefirat Ha’Omer (The Counting of the Omer); I haven’t shaved until this week which was the 33 day of the Omer (L’AG B’Omer). So I prepared to shave. However for 13 years 8 months and 23 days, our son has never shaved. So on L’AG B’Omer, he and I bonded in a way that he could never bond with his mother. I gave him his first shaving lesson. He shaved his upper lip. I shaved my face.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Emor. In the four chapters that comprise Emor, the first deals with the Kohanim and their very different way of striving for holiness as compared to the rest of the nation. For example, because of the Kohen’s function within society, he must remain in a perpetual state of purity. He is restricted in terms of who he can marry. He is restricted in terms of for whom he mourns. He cannot go to a cemetery. He cannot make sacrificial offerings if he has physical abnormalities. The second chapter reminds B’nai Yisroel that all animal offerings must be blemish free. These offerings must come directly from the individual making them and not from “the hand of a stranger” (Lev.22:25). Both chapters deal with the holiness of certain people, the Kohen and his family, and certain animals, those designated for sacrificial offering. The third chapter of the Parsha deals with the designation of holiness in regards to seasons and the calendar including Shabbat, Pesach, Shavuot, Sukkot, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The fourth chapter offers a narrative in which the son of an Israelite woman and Egyptian man, and another Israelite man get into a fight. The son pronounced the forbidden name of God and was charged with blasphemy. The Torah tells us the punishment for blasphemy is death. This is the same punishment for an individual who commits murder. 

As the Torah upon Holiness and perhaps even Perfection, we learn that striving for Holiness and striving for Perfection requires creating a distinct separation from the mundane, the ordinary, and the less than perfect. The Torah reminds the Kohen, “Lo Yikrechu Korcha B’Rosham U’Fa’at Z’Kanam Lo Y’Galeichu UVivsaram Lo Yisr’tu Saratet- They shall not make a bald spot on their heads, and they shall not shave an edge of their beard; and in their flesh, they shall not cut a gash (Lev21:5). Rashi, the great 11th-century French commentator, explains that certain tribes that lived in Biblical Canaan, as well as Ancient Egyptians, would engage in these types of behaviors while mourning the death of a loved one. Literally, the Torah reminds the Priestly class to be sure and NOT behave like other people, don’t mourn like other people, don’t worship like other people, don’t behave like these ancient tribes of idolaters. The Chatam Sofer, one of the great 19^th century Central European Rabbis, explained that the verse has a homiletical meaning as well. The Torah reminds us not to create a bald spot upon our head, we don’t create an emptiness on our head. The Chatam Sofer understands the emptiness as ignorance, a lack of learning. The head should be filled with Torah, with mitzvoth, with doing good things in the world, and making sound, thoughtful, and intelligent choices. Sometimes that requires the person to be just a bit separate, distinct and apart from those who create an emptiness in their own respective heads. We strive to fill our heads knowledge, with Torah. We avoid creating “empty spaces”, bald spot, in our heads, knowing that what our heads are filled with or not, will be expressed in our behavior, our attitudes our relationship with our loved ones and with God.

So there we stood in front of the mirror. As I looked into the mirror, for a brief moment through the steam of the hot water, and as the mirror began to fog over I saw my father standing with me all those years ago showing me to shave. I saw my grandfather telling me to grow a mustache like he has in order to avoid shaving. My son wiped the mirror clear in order to see and the images of my father much younger than I am now and the images of my grandfather healthy, vibrant, smiling at me was wiped away. As my son and I stood there, I thought about what I had learned from these two men and wondered I would transmit all that I learned from them to my son. One thing is for sure, I won’t wait until our son has to shave his upper lip for the next time to offer them the wisdom of his grandfather and great-grandfather.

Peace,

              Rav Yitz

Wildflower Seed On The Sand And Stone; May The Four Winds Blow You Safely Home (Robert Hunter, Bill Kreutzman,& Jerry Garcia - "Franklin's Tower")

Well, it’s Thanksgiving in the United States. Families return home in an attempt to share a few days together, a sumptuous Holiday meal together, and of course family dysfunction together. Obviously, in order for the children to return home for what winds up being dysfunctional family reunions, they must first leave home. So, in our home, we are going through the long difficult process of preparing for our 17-year-old to leave home. As the very common process continues to unfold in our home; I had one of those Sit-Com father moments this week. You know the moment. The wise-cracking, know it all, teenage daughter looks at her father as if he is the most dim-witted, short-sighted, fool on the planet. There I was, in the kitchen, eating my dinner, minding my own business. Our seventeen year old daughter, who firmly believes that neither her mother nor I could possibly understand what she goes through because after all, we were never seventeen, never seniors in high school, never had burning desire to leave home with mixed with the trepidation of leaving home, and never thought that our own parents were as clueless and out of touch as our daughter thinks we are. So after our daughter expressed her aggravation with her mother; I committed the sin of looking up and smiling because she sounded like a typical 17-year-old, with typical 17-year-old anxiety about the questions concerning her gap year and her four years at college/university. Boy did she let me have it! She looked incredulously, sneered and told me that I was annoying and she “couldn’t wait to get out of this house.” I suppose if I was the saintly good father, I would have let it pass or made a comment about how much we will miss her when she does finally leave. However, I am not such a saintly father. So I looked up from my dinner, I smiled and said that “I can’t wait either!”. Needless to say, my comment, which I thought was particularly poignant and thoughtful, didn’t go over very well with daughter or mother. Yet, as part of our daughter’s continued spiritual, emotional and intellectual development, it is important that she leaves home. It is important that the values that we instilled in her, become her values, the code with which we raised her becomes her code, and the rules that we instituted to govern her life becomes the rules by which she governs her own life.

This week we read from Parshat VaYeitzeh- a Parsha that is replete with the Holiday Themes of Thanksgiving and “Home for the Holidays”. The focus of the narrative is upon Yaakov. He has left his mother, Rivkah, and his father Yitzchak, for the first time. In fleeing his brother Esav, Yaakov now embarks on a new phase of his life. Yaakov will meet his future wives, his cousins Leah and Rachel. He will work for his father in- law, Lavan, and he will have children. The narrative focuses on Yaakov life from young adulthood to becoming a responsible father, earning a living and all the trials, tribulation, and tensions of career and family. As Yaakov makes his way in life, hopefully, he will learn more about himself. With each event, with each adventure, Yaakov has an opportunity to become better connected, better connected to himself, and better connected to a covenant that his father bequeathed to him.

Yaakov needs to have his own experiences, and live his own life before he is capable of truly offering thanks and being thankful. After Yaakov dreams of the ladder, he has a revelatory experience. V’hinei Adonai Nitzav Alav, Vayomer: Ani Adonai Elohei Avraham Avicha v’Elohei Yitzchak – and behold Hashem stood above it and said: I am Hashem the God of Abraham your father, and the God of Yitzchak (Gen.28:13). However, God does not introduce himself as “your God” but rather the God of his Avraham and Yitzchak. God appreciates the fact that any sense of a relationship that exists between Yaakov and God is merely a function of Yaakov’s father and grandfather. Although he received a blessing upon fleeing from his home, Yaakov has not experienced his own narrative. He doesn’t share a common narrative with his father or grandfather. Yaakov does not yet have his own connection to God and the covenant. Rather he must develop his connection. Va’yidar Yaakov Neder Leimor: Im Yiheyeh Elohim Imadi, v’Shamrani b’Derech Hazeh Asher Anochi Holeich, v’Natan Li Lechem Le’Echol v’Beged Lilbosh, V’Shavti B’shalom El Beit Avi, V’hayah HaShem Li Leilohim – And Yaakov vowed a vow saying: if the God will stand with me, and guard me on this way that I go, and give me bread to eat and clothing to wear, and returns me in peace to my father’s home, then Hashem will be my God. (Gen 28:20-21).  Yaakov has now laid out the conditions by which Yaakov and God will have their own unique connection, based upon a common narrative that he shares with his father and grandfather. Like his grandfather Avraham who left home (Parsha Lech Lecha) and  developed his own relationship with God, and like his father Yitzchak who had the ties to home severed (see the Akedah/Binding of Isaac); Yaakov innately understands that he needs to leave home and he needs to have the tools and strength to be able to return home. Only after experiencing exile and returning home does Yaakov share enough common experiences with his father and grandfather that he would feel connected to the Covenant and to his family.

Part of the Thanksgiving experience is the idea that Americans return “home” for Thanksgiving. As we sit down to our family’s Thanksgiving meal, we all understand that future Thanksgivings will be different. It was different for my parents when I left home, only to return, first as a single man, then as a married man, then as a father. It will be different for me and my wife. Yes, our eldest has been returning home for Thanksgiving for ten years, but now, our next child will also be returning home for all future Thanksgivings. So yes, “I can’t wait either” for her to leave, not because I won’t miss her, not because she is an annoying teenager, but because I know that she needs to have her own covenant. I know that she needs to take ownership of the values, code, and rules which we tried to instill.  Maybe when she returns home next year she won’t think I’m such a dim-witted clueless father.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Hey, Now, Bird, Wouldn't You Rather Die Than Walk This World When You're Born To Fly? (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Liberty")

Our seventeen year old has come down with sickness that strikes students in their final year of High School and University. This sickness is extremely prevalent in the United States. All of our daughter’s U.S. summer camp friends are coming down with this. I remember having an awful case of it when I was a high school senior. From what I can tell, it is also quite prevalent here in Toronto. The sickness is called “Senior-itis”. It strikes students who are in their final year and are ready to move onto to the next chapter. “Senior-itis” and it affects high school seniors (students in their final year of high school); and it has one glaring symptomatic difference from the “Senior-itis” that strikes college/university seniors. "Senior-itis" for a college/university senior is more about getting on with the next chapter of life, whether it be graduate school or work.  However "Senior-itis" that strikes the High School student is marked by a keen and profound desire to leave home. A college/university senior has already left home. High School senior can’t stand being home. There is an expectation of “going away” for school. In some cases it means going far away and sometimes it may mean being only an hour away. The desire to get out of the parents’ home is so powerful, that life with the 12^th grader can be quite strained. Suddenly rules are questioned, parents are considered to be overbearing and impossible to deal with. The 12^th grader walks around frequently aggravated and muttering under his/her breath: “I can’t wait to get out of here.” While all this is perfectly normal and natural, it does carry one enormous risk. It is much safer to have "Senior-itis" when the senior has already been accepted to University or at least a gap year program. Why? "Senior-itis" also affects the 12^th grader’s attitude towards school. "Senior-itis" is most dangerous when the student has not yet been accepted because there is still the pressure to academically succeed and apply, all the while dealing with the overbearing desire to leave home.  One should keep in mind that depending on the behavior of the 12^th grader, the symptoms can spread. Not only to younger siblings but more importantly, it can spread to us parents. The more the 12^th grader becomes impossible; the more the parents can’t wait for the child to get accepted, graduate high school and actually leave. Obviously some parents may be more affected than others. In our home for example, I have become quite vulnerable to our 12^th graders’ case of "Senior-itis". Like her, I also can’t wait for her to leave. However, her mother seems completely invulnerable and can’t stand the idea that she wants to leave.

This week’s Parsha offers an excellent example of the first steps towards independence, the natural need for re-assurance, and mutual trust and faith between a parent and child. Many events occur in Parshat Lech Lecha. Included among these are: Abram leaving his birthplace, traveling down to Egypt and becoming wealthy, separating from Lot, his brother’s son and last blood relative, fight in a battle and killing those men responsible for territorial instability, fathering a son by his wife’s handmaid (with his wife’s approval), and finally circumcising himself at age 99 and all the males in his household, including his son Ishmael.

In this Parsha, so many things happen to Avram. He is forever running ahead of God; He is forever living life and making decisions. Avram is forever wondering if he is indeed “doing the right thing”.  Like any good parent, God allows Avram to “run ahead”, be independent, and still offer the necessary parental reassurance.  Noach’s relationship was very different than Avraham’s. Noach walked with God suggesting an image of a parent holding a baby’s hands as he/she learns to walk.  Regarding Avram, the Torah says: “And the Lord appeared before Avram and said- Ani El Shaddai Hithaleich Lefanai Veheyei Tamim - I am El Shaddai; walk before Me and be perfect (17:1). Avram is spiritually more evolved; he can walk ahead. However even when we allow our children to run ahead of us, or give them more and more independence, we still reassure them that we are part of their lives, and everything will work itself out. Six times Avram receives fatherly assurance in the form of a covenant. Ironically, the first time we read of this assurance is immediately following Avram’s father’s death. God tells Avram to leave his birthplace and he will become a great nation (12:2).  God reassures Avram a second time while Avram, literally, walks ahead of God and keeps going until God tells him where to stop. God re-iterates his covenant to Avram (12:7), thereby reassuring Avram. God reassures Avram after he made the difficult decision of separating from the last vestiges of his family of origin, Lot (his brother’s son). By re-iterating his covenant (13:14), God reassures Avram that although the decision was painful, it was correct. After worrying whether he behaved appropriately by fighting against the five kings, God re-iterates and reassures Avram a fourth time (15:4). Avram receives re-assurance for a fifth time after he drives away the birds of prey that ruined the sacrifice he made to God (15:13). Avram’s sixth reassurance occurs after making the difficult decision of sending away his first born son Ishmael.      

Avram walks ahead of God knowing that God is always around to re-assure him. Ultimately this type of relationship breeds a strong sense of security, trust and faith in the parent figure. Faith breeds faith and trust breeds trust. Certainly, our 12^th grade daughter might think that she is ready to begin her own version of Lech Lecha. Yet about some things, she still needs to walk with her parents and, believe it or not, still wants to walk with her parents. About other things, her frustration and aggravation with us is merely an expression of the fact that she wants to walk on ahead of us. In both instances, she is telling us about her level of self-confidence to handle the first steps of her path and her lifelong journey.  One thing is for sure, as parents, we never stop trying to infuse and teach her so that way when she does walk on ahead, she remains grounded in her values and the lessons that she learned. Hopefully as she gets older and she is well on her journey her aggravation with her parents will diminish and she will appreciate the wisdom that we have given her.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Think This Through With Me, Let Me Know Your Mind; What I Want To Know Is, Are You Kind? (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia "Uncle John's Band")

Our teen-age daughters, 17 and 15 will be going to the New York metropolitan area in order to spend the last days Shemini Atseret and Simchat Torah with their “camp friends”. For the past couple of weeks we have been searching for a way to get her to New Jersey: plane, train, bus, a car ride with friends who are heading to New York. We couldn’t find anything then satisfied our concern for time, cost, or safety. We managed to find a cheap flight from Buffalo to New York’s LaGuardia airport. They just had to find a way to get picked up at LaGuardia in order to get to their respective destinations: Teaneck, NJ and Cedarhurst Long Island. For the past few years, my parents would drive down to New York City and visit with my sister and her family, however this year my parents won’t be heading down until after Sukkot. In the past, I have relished the idea of our kids on a six hour car ride with my father and listening to the lectures that I had to listen to. I relished the idea of our kids on a six hour car ride with my father and listening to sage words of wisdom about life, relationships, and the future. Because the 17 year old is thinking about university, I was especially hopeful that Grandpa (my father) would offer advice and perspective to deal with the anxiety and the process of choosing and applying to universities. Needless to say, I think our daughters were relieved that they are flying to New York rather than driving six hours and listening to a lecture from Grandpa. For me, it is a lost opportunity for a grandfather to offer wisdom and advice to his grandchildren. Now, as I become more conscious of these diminished opportunities; I realize that it falls on me to transmit his wisdom and advice.

This Shabbat is known as Shabbat Chol HaMoed Sukkot. It is the Shabbat that falls during the 7 day Festival of Sukkot. As a result we do not read the regular Torah Reading. Instead, we read of the narrative when Moshe re- ascended the mountain a second time in order to receive the second set of Tablets. As part of the Festival, we recite Hallel which is a series of psalms praising God and state our joy in being part of the Brit, part of the covenant with God. Also, because it is a festival, we read one of Five Megillot taken from the Ketuvim – the Book of Writings. On Shabbat Chol Ha Moed Sukkot, we read Kohelet, the Book of Ecclesiastes.  Jewish tradition ascribes the twelve chapter scroll to Shlomo HaMelech – King Solomon.  This wisdom literature is written from the perspective of an elderly man who has seen it all, and experienced it all. – Ein Kol Chadash Tachat HaShemesh – There is nothing new under the sun! Kohelet – The Preacher speaks with brutal and harsh honesty.. In what is perhaps the most famous few verses, the Preacher tells us that life is full of ups and downs, good times and difficult times. L’Kol Zman V’Eit L’Chol Chafetz Tachat HaShamayim – Everything has its season, and there is a time for everything under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die…..That may not sound so inspiring.  Yet our job is to live our lives according to a set of rules. The result may be good or it may be bad, but God will be the judge of that. All we can do is play according to the rules as we make our way through life and contend with the obstacles presented.

          I hope there will be other opportunities for our children to spend significant time with their grandparents receiving their wisdom. In the meantime I have to make time with my kids passing this Kohelet wisdom to them. After all it’s a seasonal thing: Sukkot, autumn, change of seasons, leaves changing colors. I will take them for a drive, we will talk, we will see the leaves changing, we will discuss univerisities. Words, advice and hopefully wisdom will come out of my mouth and I will realize that I sound like my father, who amazingly enough sounded a lot like his father. I hope I do as good a job transmitting these words, thoughts, and wisdom to them as my father and grandfather did. Like Kohelet concluded by reminding the younger generation that after all is said and done, Sof Davar HaKol Nishmah et HaElohim Yrah v’Et Mitzvotav SHmor ki Zeh Kol HaAdam- Fear God and keep his Commandments, for that is man’s whole duty, Ki et Kol Maaseh Ha’Elohim Yavoh V'Mishpat – For God will judge every deed…; I am reminded of my father’s advice and need that I need to transmit to them: that if they follow their grandfather’s advice, they will be able to handle life’s obstacles and remain positive and happy.

Peace,

Rav Yitz