The More My Brother Looks Like Me The Less I Understand (John Barlow & Bob Weir- "My Brother Esau")

           With her candidate’s campaign now complete, our daughter needed a rest. When we spoke about her post-campaign plans, I suggested that a two-week quarantine with unlimited wifi, meals served, no chores, access to exercise equipment, cable television, free laundry, and a coffee maker might permit her to relax, catch up on some sleep, as well as her friends. All the while she could professionally network.  By the time her quarantine would end, she could celebrate her birthday and celebrate U.S. Thanksgiving. For our son, his eldest sister’s presence would mean that he wouldn’t be the only child home while we celebrated American Thanksgiving. So, with an opportunity to quarantine, relax, and celebrate her birthday and Thanksgiving with at least one of her siblings,  our eldest daughter arrived home. Thankfully she feels fine.  During her quarantine, our other daughters, (University of Maryland and Israel) have called the two siblings who are here in Toronto. They have had several Whatsapp group video calls. We, the parents,  love watching the four of them speak together or video chat together. As I watch them and listen, I am amazed by their similarities and their differences. I am always amazed that these four nearly adult children who grew up in the same are four different personalities and different perspectives on the world. 

          This week, we read from Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any more different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. Yaakov is concerned with the Birthright, receiving blessings, and the spiritual world. Esav is concerned with eating, drinking, hunting, and the physical world. We learn that just like his father who experienced a famine in the land, Yitzchak also experienced a famine in the land. Unlike his father, Yitzchak doesn’t depart from the land but rather remains there, growing wealthy. Instead, Yitzchak re-opens the wells that had gone dry in his father’s day. The narrative then re-focuses upon Yitzchak and his family. Yitzchak, sensing his imminent death, wants to bless Esav. Rivka overhears this and tells Yaakov to pose as Esav in order to receive the blessing. Yaakov listens to his mother and dresses as Esav. Yaakov receives Yitzchak’s blessing. Esav discovers that he lost out on the blessing and he threatens to kill Yaakov. The Parsha concludes with Rivka telling Jacob to go to her brother’s home. She explains to  Yitzchak that Yaakov needs to leave home in order to find a wife. Prior to his departure, Yitzchak wants to bless Yitzchak.  So, prior to his departure Yaakov receives his the blessing of the Brit, the Covenant that God made with Avraham and Yitzchak. This covenantal blessing was never intended for Esav.  Yaakov leaves home. Esav moves away as well and decides to dwell with his uncle Ishmael among the Canaanites.

Two boys grew up in the same home with the same parents and instilled with the same values, went to the same day school, participated in the same extracurricular activities, and shared the same Bar Mitzvah date. Although the parents disagreed as to who was going to be “successful”; by the end of the Parsha, it is quite clear that the blessing that Yitzchak gave Yaakov prior to Yaakov’s departure was always intended for Yaakov. So to some extent, both parents agreed as to who was the rightful inheritor of the Abrahamic Covenant. Right or wrong, the parents had definite opinions about their sons’, their abilities, and their future success.  Much of that opinion is based upon how each child responds to life’s stimuli. The Torah doesn’t really tell us much about their respective youth, Va’Yigdalu HaN’Arim, “And the boys grew up.” (Gen25: 27) R’ Levi said: At first they were like myrtle and a wild rose growing side by side. But when they grew up the former yielded to its natural fragrance, and the latter its thorns. So, for the first thirteen years, both Yaakov and Esav went to school and came home from school. But at the end of thirteen years, one went to houses of study and the other to shrines of idolatry.” (Genesis Rabbah 63:10). The Sifsei Chachamim clarifies that until their Bar Mitzvah, they were nearly identical. However, after their Bar Mitzvah, essential differences became evident. By the time they reached Bar Mitzvah, they now can begin to formulate their own opinions, develop their own attitudes, respond to their likes and dislikes. By the time the boys reach Bar Mitzvah, the parents can see a personality develop and take root. 

          As parents, we always think our perceptions of our children are the best indicators of an outcome.  However, it would appear that parents’ perceptions are not always based upon the context at the time but rather upon an ideal. From Yitzchak’s perspective Esav was a fine son, and worthy of a blessing because he meticulously fulfilled the value of Kibud Av – Respecting the father.  However, as meticulous as Esav was about that particular value, it did not make him fit for The Covenantal  Blessing. Children grow up in the same home but they respond to the stimuli differently, they have different interests, passions, and experiences outside the home which also influence, shape, and stimulate. As parents, perhaps all we can do is leave our arms, homes, and minds open to our children, praising them when they work hard at becoming the best possible version of themselves, and kvelling when they accomplish this.

Peace, 

Rav Yitz 

I Say That The Women Today Are Smarter Than The Men In Every ( Norm Span-"The Women are Smarter")

           As a father of three daughters, I have always been conscious of positive role models for my daughters. Certainly their mom is a positive role model as are the other adult women in our families. Frequently we will watch female athletes on television.  We don’t limit their watching female athletes to the stereotypical female sports such as figure skating and gymnastics. Quite often we will watch the WNBA (Women’s National Basketball Association), women’s golf, and women’s soccer. If the United States Supreme court happens to be in the news, we make sure that our daughters are aware of the Supreme Court Justices who are women. The fact that women won recent elections in the United States has also demonstrated to our daughters that women are just as capable of governing as men. However the other day, our eldest daughter was on the national news for her work during the recent elections in the United States. Our younger daughters saw this and were awe struck. It might have been one of the most special feelings I have ever had as a father. Our daughter was a positive role model for her younger sisters. Besides being proud, both her mother and I felt as if we had actually done something right in terms of raising h. Our younger daughters could finally appreciate the way that they are being raised because they see the finished product in their oldest sister.

            This week's Parsha is Chayei Sarah. The Parsha begins with the recounting the years of Sarah's life, Avraham's mourning for his wife, purchasing the land for Sarah's burial and then burying her. Avraham then tells his servant that he does not want his son, Yitzchak, marrying a Canaanite woman. Instead, the servant must return to Avraham's hometown and look for a woman from Avraham's family/ tribe. Avraham explains that the girl that returns with the servant is the right girl. Armed with treasures, camels and plenty of wealth for a dowry the servant sets off and decides that the best place to find a girl is by the local well. There the servant decides that the "right" girl is the girl who would offer him water, as well as offer water to his camels. Sure enough, Rebecca arrives at the well and fulfills the servant's standard. The servant returns with Rebecca to her family, convinces the family to let her go, and Rebecca is asked if she wants to return with the servant. Rebecca unhesitatingly responds with a yes. Now Rebecca has fulfilled the servant's requirement as well as Avraham's requirement. Upon her arrival at her new home, she sees her betrothed, and, not knowing who he was, asked the servant. The servant told her and she covered herself. Rebecca and Yitzchak are married. The Parsha concludes with Yitzchak and Ishmael burying their father, and the genealogy of Ishmael's family.

            Rivkah embodied this notion of life and legacy. These qualities are inherent to her character, as is evident in her name as well as in two subtle but strong actions. First, Rivkah offered water, a symbol of both life and Torah, to Eliezer. Then she offered water to Eliezer’s camels thereby demonstrating her menschlekite. Rivkah also possessed the ability to sustain life. She sustained Eliezer’s life by allowing him to accomplish his mission and return to Avraham with a wife for Yitzchak. Second, she sustained her own life by having the wherewithal and the strength to leave her family, a family which our sages suggest were cutthroats and cheats (Genesis Rabbah 63:4), and join a family that had received a covenant from God.

           Rivkah’s name is indicative of her character. She possesses an inherent ability to join seemingly disparate events or ideas such as life and death and make meaning from it. The Hebrew root of her name (RVK) means “join”, or “yoked together”, e.g. two oxen are joined together to pull a plow. The team must be of equal strength or the plow won’t go straight. Therefore Rivkah must be equally as strong and independent as her future husband Yitzchak. Rivkah must be strong enough to take the memory and legacy of Sarah and make it her own. This requires a very strong sense of self.             

            Rivkah also fills the spiritual vacuum, created by Sarah’s death, and this family’s future spiritual holiness. “And Yitzchak brought her into the tent of his mother; he married Rivkah, she became his wife, and he loved her; and thus was Yitzchak consoled after his mother.” (Gen 24:67)  The Rabbis explain that while Sarah lived a cloud of glory hung over her tent, her tent was known for hospitality, and a lamp remained alit from Shabbat to Shabbat. When Sarah died all these qualities died with her. However, when Rivkah was brought into the tent of his mother, all these qualities returned (Genesis Rabbah 60:16). In a sense, her soul and her mother in law’s soul, Sarah (whom she never met) joined souls and returned Sarah’s tent to the spiritual status it once knew.  Besides perpetuating life, she perpetuated the spiritual holiness necessary for joining Yitzchak in God’s covenant. Only Rivkah was able to fill the powerful memory of Sarah and still prevent herself from being overwhelmed by such a memory. Only Rivkah was able to join the generation of Avraham and Sarah with the next generation.

           Rivkah’s character offers us a model in our struggle to bridge the previous generations to the future generations. Rivkah’s character offers us a model in our struggle to join with our partners in equal respectful relationships without submerging our own identity. Rivkah’s character offers us a model as in our struggle to incorporate memory without being swallowed up by it. Finally Rivkah offers us a model of menschlekite and consideration. For our daughters, Rivkah offers a role model of a strong, independent woman who can still be part of something bigger than just herself; she can be part of a family and she can be part of a covenant.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Well The First Days Are The Hardest Days, Don't You Worry Anymore (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Uncle John's Band")

Well it was election night in the United States. As I did some work, I left the news of the election results on in the background. I found myself listening for the results of Washington State.  Before the polls opened that day,  I had texted our eldest daughter. She had been working on a ballot initiative in Washington State for several months and moved to Seattle for the last 3 months of the campain. Anyway I texted her wishing her luck, and asking her about the chances of success. I wasn’t just interested politically, I was genuinely nervous for my daughter who has worked so hard on this campaign. Like a typical parent, I was worried about my daughter. I wanted her to be successful in her goal of getting the ballot initiative passed. It was. However as the hours passed and the polls finally closed in Washington State, I realized how much anxiety I had spent worrying about our daughter’s being successful in her job, a job in which success is easily evaluated. Did the candidate win or lose? Did the ballot initiative pass or not? Sure, I understand my worry and anxiety about our 14 year old getting to play in the basketball game, or our daughter successfully completing her gymnastics routine or our son doing well on a test. I understand when our children come home upset from school or a party. They are kids going through the process of growing up. However this a young woman who is almost twenty four years old, who works for a living. This is a young woman who runs political campaigns. Yet, the same anxiety, and concern I had for her when she was her sisters and brother’s age is even worse now. I have much less control, and much less ability to help than I did when she was younger and living at home like her younger siblings.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in S’dom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.

Throughout the Parsha there are several examples of “questionable” parenting moments as well as “childing” moments. These moments include Lot offering his daughters to the mob of Sodom and Gomorrah in order to the save the guests that the mob wanted to harm. The daughters don’t say a word about it. These moments include, Ishmael being sent away along with his mother. As Ishmael lays dying of thirst, Hagar leaves him so that she doesn’t have to hear him whine and walks out of earshot. God hears Ishmael’s prayer and saves him due to his merit. However nowhere do we read that Ishmael tells his mom to stay with him so he shouldn’t be alone. Finally, we read of the Akedat Yitzchak, the offering of Isaac as a test of Avraham’s faith in God. In the text we read that Yitzchak asks Avraham about the offering, Ayeh  HaSeh L’Olah – Where is the lamb for the offering? (Gen 22:7)  From this question The Midrash Tanchuma shows an Avraham that was unsteady, shaky, and nervous about making the offering. The Midrash portrays an Avraham in a much more human and troubled manner. He worried about his son’s welfare, he worried about Yitzchak. Yitzchak offers him support and strength and tries to mitigate his father’s anxiety. Yitzchak tells him not to worry and that Yitzchak will do everything he can to help his father.

When our children are younger and we worry about them, we still have more control to “fix” the problem. Whether we fix it or not, the only thing our children can do is to thank us.  However when our children are older and we have little or no control to “fix” the problem, it is up to our children to ease our anxiety, to tell us that “it will be OK,” “not to worry” or “I can handle it”. Then we realize that all the hard work of raising them, all the worrying as they grew up wasn’t a waste because they really can handle life.  No, I don’t stop worrying about our kids as they grow older. Rather the test is that as they grow up and mature they are able to ease my anxiety and concern by the effort they exert in striving for towards their goals.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

I Would Say That The Blame Is Mine (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "My Brother Esau")

A few Sundays ago, it was “Daddy Day”. I had the opportunity to spend the day with our children while my wife was busy.  I had the great idea of taking the kids horseback riding. I found a place, made a phone call and spoke to the horse stables. The individual explained to me the physical requirements: age, height, length of inseam etc.  Our 13 and 11 year old satisfied all the requirements. Our nine year old was too young, and his inseam was maybe 1 ½ to 2 inches too short.  I explained to him that we would try and go anyway but I needed him to lie.  He looked up at me and I could see the worry on his face. I asked him what was wrong.  “You and mommy don’t get mad when I lie.” I reminded him that he routinely tells lies when we ask him if he washed his hands when he leaves the bathroom or if his homework was finished and he would say “yes”.  He quickly explained that those are very different cases because “you know I am lying and basically I am playing a game. This is different.”  However he wanted to go horseback riding so he went along.  I told him that he was now 10 instead of 9. He was in 5^th grade and not 4^th grade. He was born in 2003 and not in 2004. I reminded him to just answer the questions that are asked. On our way to the stables, we practiced. “How old are you?” “Ten”.  “What grade are you in?” “ 5^th grade”.  “What year were you born?” “2003”. I reminded him that when he is asked these questions, he needs to look straight ahead at the person and just answer the way we practiced.  Well when we arrived, the woman who ran the stables asked  our son how old he was.  He blinked for a long time,  he  took a deep breath, and looked straight up toward the ceiling and answered in one breath, “I am 10, I was born in 2003, and I am in 5^th grade.” His sisters and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes and thought the same thing. “What a bad liar!” It turned out that he didn’t fit into the stirrup anyway so we never went horseback riding.  When we told Mommy about  the incident, she was so proud that he was such a bad liar.

This Shabbat we read from Parshah Toldot. This Parshah serves as a transition from the narratives of Avraham  to the upcoming narratives of Yaakov. This one Parshah focuses upon Yitzchak and Rivka’s struggle to have children, the ensuing twin sons that are born: Yaakov and Esav, Yitzchak receiving the same blessing re-affirmation of the covenant that Avraham received, Esav’s selling his birthright and then Rebecca scheming with her son Yaakov to trick Yitzchak into giving Yaakov the Blessing of the first born.  The Parshah concludes with Yaakov receiving the Blessing and then being forced to flee for his life because of his brother’s wrath.  

When Esav comes to get his blessing, Yitzchak, the father, tells his son, the son whom he intended to bless states:  Vayomer Bah Achicha B’Mirmah Vayikach Birchatecha – He (Yitzchak) said, Your brother came  B’Mirmah (in guile, in fraud) and took your  blessing.  The statement suggests that Yaakov coldly and callously stole Esav’s blessing. However in reality Yaakov reluctantly went along with his mother, Rebecca’s, plan.  When Yaakov heard his mother’s plan, Yaakov responded with caution Ulai YeMusheini  Avi V’Hayita V’Einav Kimtatei’ah V’Heiveiti Alai K’lalah V’Lo Bracha – Perhaps my father will feel me, and I shall be as a mocker in his eyes; I will therefore bring a curse upon myself rather than a blessing (27:12). Yaakov recognizes the shortcomings in the plan and recognizes that there is a real risk to being caught in a web of deceit.  .  After his mother re-assures him that she will take responsibility, Yaakov goes and brings meat for his mother to prepare, VaYeilech VaYiKach Vayavei L’Imo. The Talmudic Sages in Breishit Rabbah offer an insight into Yaakov’s reluctance to go along with his mother’s plan.  They explain very simply and succinctly Enos V’Chafuf U’Bocheh – Under duress, bent and weeping. From this comment, the Talmudic sages suggest that Yaakov was deeply troubled, caught between not wanting to deceive his father and not wanting to disappoint his mother.  Yes he ultimately went along with his mother’s plan, but did so unenthusiastically and hesitatingly.

When I listened to our son, tell his mom what I had asked him to do, it was quite evident that I had put him into an uncomfortable position, a position that he was not yet ready to assume.  Needless to say I was quite proud that his conscience bothered him about such a white lie. He still claims to have washed his hands when he leaves the bathroom when indeed he hasn’t. He still tells us that he finished his homework, when he hasn’t.  However I realize the discomfort and the trepidation that I caused my son was a result of the fact that I asked him to do something that we otherwise deem as inappropriate. I suppose my son taught me a valuable lesson.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

She Kneels Down To Gather Her Water (John Barlow & Bob Weir- 'Weather Report Suite Part II - Let it Grow")

          A friend of mine and I were talking about our eldest children. We both have daughters in their early twenties. Both of our daughters are very dedicated to their careers and graduate school. Neither one has the time to invest in a serious relationship and neither one is looking to get married. They both explain to us that they will worry about marriage in a few years, after graduate school, or when they feel that they have progressed far enough in their respective careers. As parents my friend and I would love to see our daughters meet someone and get married. Also, we take a deep sigh of relief knowing that as each of our daughters continue to mature, grow comfortable with who they are, and what is important to them, we hope that they will exercise good judgment when it comes time to make such an important decision. My friend and I make no bones about it, we hope that they will marry someone Jewish. We also hope that our daughters will marry someone that brings out the best qualities in our daughters, someone who is smart, kind, decent, and with similar values as our daughters. So instead of asking each of our daughters if she is dating someone; we ask if they go to shul, if they participate in their synagogues’ social programs. We ask them, we bother them and we probably annoy them, but they understand what we think is important. Ultimately however, they are on their own, and they have to make their own decisions.

          However, in this week's Parsha, we learn how to evaluate a person’s character. We learn how judge. This week's Parsha is Chayei Sarah. The Parsha begins with the recounting the years of Sarah's life, Avraham's mourning for his wife, purchasing the land for Sarah's burial and then burying her. Avraham then tells his servant that he does not want his son, Yitzchak, marrying a Canaanite woman. Instead, the servant must return to Avraham's hometown and look for a woman from Avraham's family/ tribe. The servant wants to know how to determine which girl is the right girl for his Master's son. Avraham answers that the girl that returns with the servant is the right girl. Armed with treasures, camels and plenty of wealth for a dowry the servant sets off and decides that the best place to find a girl is by the local well. There the servant decides that the "right" girl is the girl who would offer him water, as well as offer his camels’ water. Sure enough, Rebecca arrives at the well and fulfills the servant's standard. The servant returns with Rebecca to her family, convinces the family to let her go, and Rebecca is asked if she wants to return with the servant. Rebecca unhesitatingly responds with a yes. Now Rebecca has fulfilled the servant's requirement as well as Avraham's requirement. Upon her arrival at her new home, she sees her betrothed, and, not knowing who he was, asked the servant. The servant told her and she covered herself. Rebecca and Yitzchak are married. The Parsha concludes with Yitzchak and Ishmael burying their father, and the genealogy of Ishmael's family.

           

The story of the Yitzchak and Rebecca is one of the more unique stories in Torah. It is not a story of love at first sight. Rather the narrative has very little to do with love and has everything to do with qualities of another person, not the feeling generated by another person.  The qualities that the servant deems to be vital for his master, Avraham, and his Master’s son, Yitzchak are not based upon emotion. Instead the qualities are based upon character of the girl herself, and the narrative mentions that quality three times. The first mention occurs when the servant prays to God that a girl offers water to him and his camels. Vayomer Adonai Elohei Adoni Avraham Hakrei Nah Lfanai Hayom V'Asei Chesed Im Adoni Avraham - And he said, " Lord, God of my master Avraham, may you so arrange it for me this day that you do kindness with my master Abraham, See, I stand here by the spring of water and the daughters of the townsmen come out to draw. Let it be that the maiden to whom I shall say 'Please tip over your jug so I may drink', and who replies, 'Drink, and I will even water your camels,'…. (Gen 24:12-14) The second telling of this story is when it actually occurs. (Gen 24:15-21) The third telling of the story occurs when the servant tells it for the first time to Rebecca's family (Gen.24:42-46). These events must be significant if Torah tells us the events in three different contexts, all of which are in the same chapter.

            We all have standards of what attracted us to our husbands and wives. We all have standards of what attracted us to a person as a friend, as a client or even as a congregant and Rabbi. Torah is teaching us one vital thing. The standard is not looks. The standard is not brains. The standard is not family background, nor comportment. The Torah’s standard is to see people and evaluate their behavior. Is the person a mentsche? Are they decent? Are they compassionate? Do they perform acts of Gemilut Chasadim (Acts of Loving Kindness)?  This is the person you want for a mate, a friend, a confidant, and yes, even a Rabbi. We all have standards and requirements that allow us to make judgments. We should never allow superficial qualities  to be the basis for those judgments. God does not judge us in such a fashion. Nor should we judge others in a superficial fashion based entirely upon emotions. Emotions come and go. But the content of a person’s character should remain constant.

Peace,

Rav Yitz