A few days ago I conducted a funeral. While meeting with the family prior to the Levayah (funeral), I was asked if I believed that people change. Certainly, Judaism is pretty clear about the possibility of change. Because Judaism is behaviorally based and not dogmatically based, we believe that if the behavior changes, then ultimately the individual will change. Among the most prevalent themes of the Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) is the notion that we are capable of changing our behavior, changing ourselves, improving ourselves and becoming better versions of ourselves. Certainly, I want to believe that, and as a Rabbi that is my first response. However I don’t think it is so simple. Tshuvah, repentance, real Tshuvah, according to the RaMBaM is incredibly difficult. Changing behavior is incredibly difficult, changing a personality is all but impossible. So while our tradition speaks of from a conceptual f framework that change is possible for people; I think that “change” is something that occurs at the margins. The core of a person is not as susceptible to change. Maybe, when we talk about a person has changed over the years; the change is really at the margins. However at the core, deep down in the soul, that person is still very much the same, he or she has figured out how to live with what is at their core, how to sublimate the energy that is at the core into something positive, or not.
This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds and altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s.
Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav. VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). Certainly at first blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly it appears that the decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother. It appears that Esav has changed. The plain meaning of the text suggests this. However, the plain text, the simple meaning is focused upon behavior, upon the margins and not at the core.
Imagine not seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach; the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault instead of a loving embrace? While wondering about the hug, what happens when the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”? Yet all these questions were cause for Yaakov’s trepidation during this reunion.
One thing is clear however, the narrative concludes with Esav first expressing a desire to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggest that some of his armed men should escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion), Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my Lords eyes. VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah So Esav started back that day on his way toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen. 33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. They don’t hug and kiss each other good bye, or at least the Torah text doesn’t tell us that they hugged and kissed each other good bye. Rather there is an offer by Esav to take Yaakov to Seir. Perhaps Esav thought he was being nice, perhaps he was trying to lull Yaakov into a trap and planned to wipe out Yaakov and his family later. What we do know is that Yaakov understood that while his brother’s outward behavior may or may not have changed, Yaakov realized that his family’s future was best served by staying as far away as possible from his brother. Yes, at first blush it was so easy for Yaakov and Esav to hug and kiss each other, to weep together.
At the margins perhaps they each had softened a bit, perhaps they had become better versions of themselves. However, at their respective cores, they both understood that for the sake of themselves, and their descendents, it is better that each acknowledges the other and then lives separately from each other. So I told the daughter, “No, I do not think people really change.” I explained that we are all capable at changing our behavior. However at our core, we are who we are. Our task is to channel our behavior and to follow the path that allows us to be the best version of ourselves. Our task is to follow our respective life’s path like Yaakov Avinu.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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