There is nothing like teenage
girls. I dreaded the five years between
8th grade through 12th grade of our oldest daughter and I
am already dreading these tumultuous five years of our soon to be 13 year old
daughter. The best thing about this five
year period of emotional ups and downs with our daughter is the knowledge and
experience that it will eventually end. One day it will be over. Maybe it will
end when she heads off to college so that we don’t have to deal with it. Maybe
it will end when she spends a period of time away and gets the antidote to
these difficult five year – “perspective”.
Maybe it will end when she finally grows weary of the seemingly unending
drama of who is a friend with whom, what is in style, what my friends think, as
the most important criteria for making decisions. For now, we merely take a deep breath. We try
to avoid the emotional roller coaster of a teenage girl’s life, sit in awe as
she spends hours getting her hair just right, and listen as she tries to
struggle with the opinions of her friends and the opinions of her family. Unfortunately,
at this point, there is no question she is much more concerned with how her
friends perceive her as opposed to how her family perceives her. My wife and I smile hopefully, aware that
someday, God Willing, she will be less concerned about the perception of others
and more concerned with her own self-perception and her parents’ perception.
This Shabbat we read from Parsha
Shelach Lecha. The Torah portion begins with the narrative of Moshe gathering
up twelve spies, one corresponding to each of the twelve tribes, and giving
them the mission. The spies are told to investigate the quality of the land –
fertile or barren, its inhabitants - warlike or peaceful, the nature of cities
–fortified or open? The spies go and investigate and return. Ten spies offer a
negative report and two, Caleb and Joshua, offer a positive report. Bnai
Yisroel listen to the ten spies with the negative report and fell utterly
overwhelmed at the prospect of entering into the land that Hashem promised
them. Hysterical, the people beg to
return to Egypt. Hashem wants to wipe them all out immediately but Moshe
defends the people just like he did after the Golden Calf. So rather than
wiping out an entire people Hashem punishes Bnai Yisroel by prohibiting this
generation from entering into the land. Eventually, when the slave generation
has died out, the generations born in freedom will enter Eretz Canaan. The people hear the punishment and decide they
are ready to enter the land. Moshe explains that it is too late since entry
into Canaan is ultimately premised upon faith.
Then Moshe begin teaching Bnai Yisroel laws specific and premised upon
settlement in the Canaan. First Moshe
teaches the Libation Offering as well as Challah. Next, Moshe teaches the laws
of public atonement of unintentional idolatry, individual unintentional
idolatry, intentional idolatry, a reminder about violating Shabbat and finally
the laws of Tzitzit.
The ten spies whom Bnai Yisroel
chose to believe did not really bring such a negative report. They explained
that the land was fruitful and fertile, there were trees and that it was really
quite beautiful. The problem with the
report was that it revealed more about the spies and Bnai Yisroel than the land
itself. When seeing some of the inhabitants and the physical size of some of
those inhabitants. The Ten spies said Vanhi V’Eineinu Ka’CHaGaVim V’Chain Hayinu
B’Eineihem – we were like grasshoppers
in our eyes and so we were in their eyes. (Num. 13:33) How do the ten spies
know how the Nefilim (the Giants) perceive them? Did they ask the Nefilim? The
answer to both questions is “No”. No they don’t know how the Nefilim perceive
the Ten Spies and “No”, the Ten Spies did not ask the Nefilim. The spies feel
small because from their own perspective and self image, they are small. When
they look in a mirror, they see slaves. They don’t see people who stood at
Sinai and received the Torah. They don’t see a people who carry a Mishkan with
Hashem protecting them and scattering their enemies. They don’t see a people
worthy of Hashem’s daily miracles of Manna, and water. Instead they carry with them the burden of
two centuries of slavery and being slightly less than human rather than being
slightly less than angels. Rabbi
Menachem Mendel of Kotzk (The Kotzker Rebbe) explained that this was the root
of the spies as well as Bnai Yisroel’s sin. They had no right to consider how
others viewed them, nor should they have been at all concerned. They should have all been spiritually strong
enough to realize and accept that they were “priests to the nations” and
“chosen by God”. The fact that such spiritual awareness was still lacking even
after all the miracles and promises that God made; meant that problem lay with
Bnai Yisroel. These former slaves were not ready for the responsibility of land
and people hood.
Yes, the most frequently asked
question by our soon to be teenage daughter is, “does this look ok?” “What will
they think?” Yes we try to explain that more important than what THEY think is
what SHE thinks. The most rewarding moments these days occur after the
emotional outbursts, after the tears of frustration, after the fights, when she
calmly sits down with us and shares with us her realization how much happier
she is when she worries less about what
other think and say. Maybe the next five years won’t be as difficult as we
anticipate.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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