Take A Sad Song And Make It Better (John Lennon & Paul McCartney- "Hey Jude")

The other day, my son and I were talking about Fasting on Yom Kippur. He is 10 and he is at the stage of life where he always wants to know what I did when I was 10, what his grandfather did when he was 10 or what his great grandfather (his Zeidy) did when he was 10. So he asked me if I fasted when I was 10. I answered that I couldn’t remember but I probably fasted until the middle of the afternoon. He wondered if he should fast. Then he asked about the meal before the fast. He wondered if it should be like a big feast. I reminded him that because Yom Kippur is on Shabbat, the meal that precedes the fast should be tantamount to Shabbat dinner. Regarding the meal he was relieved to know that he would have his mother’s cooking and taste Shabbat. He was a bit upset that he wasn’t going to have any cholent this Shabbat. He explained that fasting made him sad and that Yom Kippur is such a sad day. To his credit, he suggested that this Yom Kippur would be odd because Yom Kippur was a sad day but Shabbat was a happy day.  I asked him why Yom Kippur was sad if it is Yom K’ Pur – like Pur as in Purim – a happy day. I suggested that maybe we need to rethink the assumption that Yom Kippur is a sad day.

            This Shabbat, Jews throughout the world will be celebrating Yom Kippur –The Day of Atonement. The name of the day does sound rather solemn. For most Jews, Yom Kippur is considered a rather somber sort of day and a day in which we are supposed to “afflict” ourselves. In Masechet Yoma (the Talmudic tractate that focus on Yom Kippur), five afflictions are mentioned as part of Yom Kippur. These five afflictions are: fasting (no food or drink from sunset to sunset); washing; anointing; wearing of leather, and marital relations. While Shabbat is the day we do not afflict ourselves, when Yom Kippur falls on Shabbat, Yom Kippur supersedes the laws of Shabbat. Only Yom Kippur supersedes Shabbat in terms of importance. It is known as Shabbat Shabbaton – the Sabbath of all Sabbaths.  How can a day in which we physical afflict ourselves supersede the one day of the week where we miraculously bring the spiritual world down to our physical world?

 Maybe we need to re-examine those afflictions as well as what the objective on Yom Kippur is. The Midrash explains that Yom Kippur is the day that Moshe Rabeinu  re-ascended the mountain and received the second set of the Aseret Dibrot, the second set of commandments. Remember, the first set was destroyed when Moshe saw Bnai Yisroel worshipping the Eigel Zahav, the Golden calf. In his anger, Moshe smashed the first set of stone tablets.  During this second revelation, this more private sort of revelation, Moshe had begged God to be permitted to see God’s face. While God rejected Moshe’s request, God did in fact allow Moshe to see God’s back as God passed (Exodus Chapter 33).  During these 40 days and nights, (beginning on Elul 1 and concluding on Yom Kippur), Moshe fasted.  On the one hand, he experienced a physical affliction due to the lack of food. On the other hand, he had the opportunity to be as near God as was humanly possible. In that moment he had become more spiritual than physical.  Yes we afflict ourselves. However, the “afflictions” are base on the desire to be more spiritual than physical. The “afflictions” are based upon our desire to be as close to God as humanly possible. Our “afflictions” are based upon our desire to experience God from the exalted position of the Angels without care or concern to our physical existence. The Atonement therefore is not the sole purpose of the day. The ultimate purpose of the day is to be as close to God as possible. How can we be close to God if we are ensconced in the physical realm? How can we be close to God if we need to atone for our spiritual shortcomings (our Chetaim –sins)? Our spiritual shortcomings are just that, short of God. Atonement allows us to be closer. Closer to God is a good thing. Closeness to God is the main objective of Yom Kippur. When we achieve this, we should be totally happy, at ease in utterly in awed just like Moshe was when he descended the mountain the second time with the second set of tablet.  God’s spiritual light emanated from Moshe. Who wouldn’t be happy if that happened to each and every one of us?

      Rather than thinking of Yom Kippur as so somber and serious, it is the one day of the year where we purposefully supersede Shabbat. Rather than bringing HaKadosh Baruch Hu down to us, Yom Kippur is the day that we elevate our souls towards the Kadosh Baruch Hu. The experience should be much more “awe” as in “awesome” instead of somber. That experience ought to fill us with awe, joy, and leave us radiating light.

Gmar Chatima Tov -May we all be sealed in the Book of Life

Peace,

Rav Yitz

I Have Spent My Life Seeking All That's Still Unsung (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Attics of My Life")

It’s hard to believe but our family has already marked the Shloshim of my grandfather’s death.  Over the past few weeks, I have spoken with my parents much more frequently than normal. Our conversations have been about Grandpa, sharing experiences, and sharing our sense of loss. My children have also spent these past few weeks asking about their great- grandfather. Sharing these stories with my children or commiserating with my parent usually causes me to smile as I think about my Grandfather. However it is the quiet moments, when my wife and kids are asleep, and I see a picture of my grandfather that I close my eyes and think of some of the things he has said to me. As he grew older, as his family grew, as we made our way in life, I can still the see the look on his face when we would all be together. He couldn’t belief that he was the patriarch of this family, blessed with children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. He often shared with me how he knew he was blessed, he also wondered what he did right to deserve such feelings. As he grew older and sensed his own deterioration, he shared this “spiritual awareness” with me more and more. The last conversation I had with my grandfather while he was still knew who I was, expressed his acknowledgment that he was and led such a good life.  As he said goodbye to me, he complimented me on my family: my wife, three daughters and son. He reminded me to take care of myself and “take good care of that family of yours.” I joked and told him that they were his family too. He laughed and said “that is why I am reminding you to take care of them.”  

            This week’s Parsha is the Parsha Nitzavim/VaYeilech. According the Aggadah, this is the recounting of Moshe Rabeinu’s last day of life. Unafraid of his imminent death, he gathers his family: Rosheichem, Shivteichem, Zikneichem, v’Shotreichem, Kol Ish Yisroel, Topchem N’Sheichem V’Geircha Asher B’Kerev Machanecha Meichotev Eitzecha Ad Sho’eiv Meimecha – The heads of your tribes, your elders, and your officers, all the men of Yisroel; your children, your women, and the stranger who is in the midst of our camp, from the woodchopper to the one who draws water (Deut. 29:9-10). Moshe imparts his last vestiges of wisdom to his children, his people. Moshe wants to make sure that everything is in order when he dies and Joshua takes over. Moshe truly has been blessed. He has had the blessing of old age, and here God has granted him the gift of saying goodbye in perhaps the most wonderful fashion. God has commanded Moshe to say his goodbyes and impart the final vestiges of wisdom.

           

            We are taught that death is a part of life. Yet many of us are afraid of death. Many of us believe that we should shield our children from death, sadness and loss. However when we read Parsha Nitzavim, we learn that while impending death is sad, death in the manner of Moshe’s can take on an aura of holiness – of Kedusha. It is in holiness that we attain the highest level of life, a life that is directly connected to God. When death comes like this, from God, with an opportunity to say Goodbye- with an opportunity to impart wisdom to one’s children, death is not mundane; death is not ordinary, but rather holy and part of life, the final expression of holiness in a very physical endeavor.

            When we talk of strength, we unfortunately think of the person who can carry the heaviest load. We think of the person who doesn’t cry, who remains stoic, even if he/she is all torn up inside. At this time of year, from Elul through Succot, when we recite the 27^th Psalm and conclude with the words Chazak v’Ya’Ameitz Libecha, v’Kavei El Adoshem – Strengthen yourself, and he will give you courage; and hope to HaShem! We now understand what it means to strengthen oneself.  Moshe had that kind of strength. He was aware of the end of his life, he prepared for it, he drew loved ones toward himself and told them his thoughts, and his concerns. In a sense, this final action is the epitome of courage.

            Now, I realize the significance of his saying goodbye to me like that while he still had his cognitive faculties. I have to believe that somewhere deep down, he understood what was happening to him and what would eventually result. So before his condition worsened, before his memory was so diminished; he needed to impart one more bit of wisdom, one more bit of fatherly/grandfatherly advice, a few words that would give me a sense of purpose even when I mourn for him.  “Take care of your family”, not only for my sake and their sake, but for his sake as well. It is the quiet moments when I think of those words, and see my children and my wife asleep; I realize that I not only have a responsibility to my wife and children, but I have a responsibility to my grandfather as well. Through the tears, I smile to myself and know that I have been blessed: blessed to have been his grandson, blessed with a wonderful wife and four terrific children. As we observe the last Shabbat of 5774, we should all take this time to appreciate the blessing of the past year.

Peace & Shanah Tova,

Rav Yitz

Listening For The Secret, Searching For The Sound (Bobby Peterson & Phil Lesh- "Unbroken Chain")

Every once in a while, quite infrequently actually, a child will validate my parenting methods. No, there won’t be much fanfare, nor will it be a public statement, nor does one child tell one of my other children about the event that caused such validation. Instead the validation comes during a one on one moment, just my child and me, alone, perhaps having a bite of lunch together, or doing homework together. Then during these very quiet moments the child, in a completely earnest manner, will validate me as a parents and even go so far as to say that she was glad that she listened to me. Such was the case with our eldest daughter when she was in high school (she is now 23) and such was the recent case of our 14 year old daughter who just started her freshman year of High School (in Toronto speak this is known as “Grade 9”).  For the past couple of weeks, our daughter had a cough and cold like symptoms.  She hadn’t really been sleeping very well because of the cough. The doctor said she wasn’t sick, “but she is not exactly healthy either”. Earlier in the week, her 9^th grade class had a retreat where they participated in all kinds of trust and class bonding experiences, such as hiking, canoeing etc… I decided, and my wife completely agreed that our daughter should stay home and spend the two days, sleeping and finally getting rid of this cough. Our daughter moped around, complained and whined about how mean we were for prohibiting her from going. On the evening of the first day, her mom suggested that our daughter could go on the second day of activities since a teacher from the school would be going to the camp site. When I asked why, her mom said that she felt badly for our daughter and clearly our daughter felt sad that she wasn’t able to attend and that she was mad at us. “So what that she is mad”, I said. “I don’t expect anything else, and besides if she is mad, we must be right.” Needless to say, our daughter stayed home on the second day of the trip as well.  Two days later, I take our daughter to an orthodontist appointment. After the appointment, I take her out for lunch and then bring her back to school. There in the restaurant, as she is putting a spoonful of soup into her mouth, our daughter very quietly makes a statement. “You were right about not letting me go on the 9^th grade trip. I really needed these two days to sleep and get better.  I am glad that you made me listen to you. Thank You”. I nearly choked on my lunch. Without gloating, and in a straight face I told her what I told her eldest sister. “If you listen to what I tell you, if you follow my directions and advice, your problems will be small and your life will easy.” I smiled and didn’t say another word. Inside, I was screaming “Hallelujah! Finally another child who will surely listen because they understand.”

This week we read from Parsha Ki Tavo. The Parsha begins with Moshe explaining the laws that are specific to B'nai Yisroel’s entry into the Land.  He reminds them of the laws of first fruits, and tithing.  Moshe reminds them that there is a powerful link between God, B'nai Yisroel and the Land. Each needs the other.  Moshe then describes the ritual specific to this generation that will symbolize their acceptance of the Torah and the covenant.  As they cross the Jordan River, they would inscribe two stones with Kol Divrei HaTorah HaZot BaEir Heiteiv – You shall inscribe on the stones all the words of this Torah well clarified.” Then the stones would be covered with plaster in order to protect the inscriptions. Moshe then reminds B'nai Yisroel that they are now an Am Yisroel– a Nation and no longer B’nai Yisroel – Children of Yisroel.  With that change of status comes responsibility, and Moshe lists the blessings and the curses that will result depending upon Am Yisroel’s behavior.  Moshe concludes his passionate plea to fulfill the covenant by giving Am Yisroel a brief history lesson. He reminds them that they left Egypt and saw all the signs and wonders (they didn’t, rather their parents and grandparents experience the Exodus and witnessed the plagues). Moshe reminds them that he let them for Forty years, and they didn’t eat bread nor drink wine, rather they experienced the miracle of the Manna. He reminds them of battles they fought and won and finally he reminded them they were ready to begin their new lives in the land.

Moshe also reminds them that if they listen, they will be blessed. If they fail to listen and fail to live up the covenant, then they will be cursed and sent into exile. V’Haya Im Shamoah Tishmah B’Kol Adoshem Elokecha - It shall be that if you hearken (surely listen/obey) the voice of Hashem, your God, - Lishmor et Kol Mitzvotav Asher Anochi Mtzavcha Hayom - to observe, to perform all His commandments that I command you this day, Untancha Adoshem Elokecha Elyon Al Kol Goyei Ha’Aretz - then Hashem, your God, will make you supreme over all the nations of the earth. (Deut. 28:1)  Rashi explains that the force of this emphatic doubling of the verb ShaMA-listen. “If you take it upon yourselves, it will become easy for you, since it is only the beginning that is hard.” Rashi, and the Talmud before him, is offering a psychological truth about observance and about anything new for that matter. At first the action may prove daunting and perhaps even overwhelming. However as the action is repeated, it becomes easier and easier and almost second nature. Rambam (Maimonides) commented that “the more man is drawn after the paths of wisdom and justice, the more he longs for them and desires them (Code, Teshuva 6:4) However it is not enough to listen, but rather one must listen emphatically, that is, internalize what has been listened to and then used.

                Whether it is observing Mitzvot or just listening to dear old dad, our daughter learned this most valuable lesson. She can whine, and mope, but if she just listens to me, her life will actually be OK. Of course, like B’nai Yisroel, it is all predicated on listening, observing and then consciously acknowledging that it actually works.  Hopefully she learned her lesson this time and I won’t have to spend the rest of her teenage years watching her re-learn this lesson. Well, good luck with that!

Peace,

Rav Yitz