Like so many American families, we celebrated Thanksgiving. We packed up and drove to my parents’ home. Our eldest daughter who had been working in Florida until the recent midterm elections came, my sister brother in law and niece came. Our daughter studying in Israel made Thanksgiving and we all had the chance to video chat with her. The last time that I saw our eldest daughter was in June when she came for her sister and brother’s graduation. Certainly, we had video chatted. Let’s just say a video chat doesn’t exactly offer a complete picture. So when she took one look at my completely gray beard, my salt and pepper head of hair, she hugged and kissed me and said. “You are so old! What happened to you?” Like the crows feet around my eyes, I attributed all the gray hair and white beard to the existential angst of fatherhood. For me, existential angst usually occurs in the middle of the night. It wakes me up, I go downstairs, I look outside at the night sky full of stars I think and worry. I worry about life, death, the quality of life and the quality of death, what am I doing with my life, how am I going to pay for Jewish day school, college, and weddings. I worry about my aging parents, my aging mother in law. I worry about my wife worrying about her aging mother. I explain to my eldest daughter that I wake up in the middle of the night and worry about all the stuff that a middle-aged person wrestles with.” While I normally sleep quite soundlessly, every so often I am wake up to wrestle with all my existential angst and worries.
This Shabbat we read from Parsha Vayishlach. Yaakov and his family prepare to return to Yaakov’s home. However, they will first need to deal with an almost twenty-year grudge held by Esav. Yaakov will hope for the best and prepare for the worst as he prepares to meet his brother. After their short reunion, Yaakov makes his way back to his ancestral lands. His mother passes away. He is blessed with another son, Benjamin, born to his wife Rachel. However, she dies in childbirth. His daughter, Dinah, has an illicit relationship with a prince of Shechem. According to the text, she is rendered “impure” and her brothers wipe out the prince and his village. Yaakov’s name is changed to Yisroel. God blessed Yaakov within the context of the covenant made with Avraham and Yitzchok. Yaakov’s blessing includes children, land and wealth, all of the things that God promised to Yaakov’s grandfather – Avraham. The Parsha concludes Yaakov and Esav seeing each other one last time in order to bury their father Yitzchok, and then we read the final psukim: a list of Esav’s descendants down to grandchildren.
The parsha is replete with dramatic moments. However, the brief narrative (Gen. 32:25-29) about Yaakov’s night prior to his first meeting with Esav, offers us a life-changing moment in Yaakov’s life. The narrative of the wrestling match begins in a very peculiar manner. VaYivater Yaakov L’Vado, VaYei’avek Ish Imo Ad Alot HaShachar – Jacob was left alone and a many wrestled with him until the break of dawn. So if Yaakov was left alone, with whom did he wrestle? The Torah tells us he wrestled with a man, however by the end of this brief narrative, Yaakov is asking the man(?) to bless him. During the wrestling match, and to add to the confusion the word for “man” is not used neither is Yaakov’s name. Rather the third person masculine singular pronoun “Hu” is used. The M’forshim also struggle with this brief narrative. Rashi reminds us of how our sages explain Sh’Hu Saro Shel Eisav – that it was the guardian angel of Esav. Chizkuni – the 13th-century French commentator succinctly states Malach B’Damut Ish – an angel in the form of a man. Radak, Rabbi David Kimchi – a late 12/early 13th-century French commentator is even more explicit. He offers a single word of explanation as to the “man’s” identity – Melach – an angel. Some say it was the guardian angel of Esav and some say it was an Angel sent to restate God’s promise to Yaakov. However, a more modern and psychologically aware understanding seems that the “man” is Yaakov. Yaakov is struggling with himself. The language of the wrestling match only uses the Hebrew word “Hu” – in English "he". He said, he held on, he didn’t let go, he blessed him, he wrestled with him. Yaakov’s name is only mentioned when his hip is pulled out of joint, when he states his name and when the other being renames Yaakov. Yaakov’s whole life has been a struggle… first with Esav, God, and then Lavan. Before his impending struggle with Esav, Yaakov needs to know who exactly Yaakov is and who he clings to – which aspect of himself does he cling to? The godly aspect within him? The Esav within him? The reality is, Yaakov must decide who He is and what that means as he returns to his ancestral home and receives the covenant. It will leave a mark for sure, however during his sleepless night, during his “mid-life crisis” and his “moment of clarity”; Yaakov will finally be a complete spiritual person with a full acceptance of his relationship to God and a sense of purpose in his life. This does not mean his life will be easier. It just means that Yaakov, with this renewed sense of purpose and identity, will be able to deal with all the troubles and heartache that is involved in living life as he continues to grow old.
Of course, I have gray hair. Yes, my beard is turning white. There are more worries, there are more things that feel beyond my control. There are more times that I worry about the direction of my life and my children's lives. There are more times when I worry about my parent’s health. No, I don’t necessarily have my hip pulled out of joint when we wake up in the middle of the night with this existential angst. Although due to an old back injury; I sometimes wake up with my back pain more acute than at other times. We do have the emotional scars of such moments. Our souls struggle and sometimes our souls receive scars because of those moments when we question our purpose in life. It probably causes wrinkles and definitely causes gray hair. However those struggles are necessary because it leads us to moments of clarity, and we understand that our lives do have a purpose, and our families will be ok and everything will be all right.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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