With a daughter about to turn 21, and another daughter beginning the Bar/Bat Mitzvah circuit, I often experience both waves of relief and waves of anxiety. The wave of relief is that one child has made it to the final year of University, about to turn 21 and is truly her own person. The peer pressure of adolescent years and her teen age years have come and gone leaving her comfortable in her own skin. The peer pressure of high school and vulnerable early years of University have been replaced by the wisdom of engaging in relationships that make her a better person and choosing friends that treat her as well as she treats her friends. The wave of anxiety is that another child is now on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah circuit and now begins the long process of growing into her own skin. Now she begins dealing with all the social issues and peer pressure that is associated with adolescence. Now she has to learn how to choose her friends not because of issues of popularity but base on issues of loyalty, honesty and bringing out the best in each other. Like our older daughter, I have no doubt that there will be many tears focusing on issues of Peer Pressure, issues of being part of the group, afraid that “they won’t like me”, or wanting to fit in so much that perhaps poor choices are made. To think there are still two more after her, for whom my wife and I have to go through this again and again! Parents want their child hanging around with kids who share similar values, who bring out the best in the child, or who exert a positive peer pressure.
This week’s Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. When Esav turned 40, he marries a woman from another tribe. As different as the boys were before this, Esav’s marriages reflect his further spiritual diminishment from his mother and father. Esav’s association with these women brings out the worst in him. Va’Yehi Eisav Ben Arbaim Shanah VaYikach Isha et Y’hudit Bat B’Eiri HaChiti V’et Basmat Bat Eilon Ha’Chiti – When Esav was forty years old, he took as a wife Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. Va’Tiheyenah Morat Ruach L’Yitzchak U’l’Rivkah – and they were a source of spiritual bitterness for Yitzchak and Rivka (Gen.26:24).
There is a Midrash that tells us that once a species of bird migrated to Eretz Yisrael. The Rabbis were unable to determine whether this new specie was kosher or treif. Rabbi Chiya, the leading scholar of his day, said, “Isolate one of these new birds on the roof and see what kind of birds associate with it.” Immediately a raven (which is not kosher) joined the new bird. The Rabbis were able to finally determine that the new species of bird was not kosher. The same was true with regard to Esav, when he married both women. They brought out the worst in him, whether it was Avodah Zarah – idolatry, or degrading himself to such a point that he did not warrant receiving the blessing. Of even greater concern to Rivkah and Yitzchak was the departure of the Divine Presence. Remember that when Yitzchak’s mother, Sarah, died, the light in her tent, the holy presence diminished. When Yitzchak married Rivka, the Holy Presence returned to Sarah’s tent. However, when Esav’s wives became part of Yitzchak’s household, this holy light was vanquished.
From this one event, we learn the importance of associating with people, developing friendships, and engaging in relationships that elevate us spiritually, that make us a better person. It is interesting to note that nowhere in this text of the Torah or in its Midrash did we read words like “good” or “bad”. These women might have been perfectly nice women, however if they diminished Esav’s spiritual aspect, then neither of these women were good for Esav. Throughout our lives, we encounter circumstances and situations where our only criteria should be: does this spiritually uplift me or diminish me? Does it make me a better person if not? Esav was an extremely physical being unable to control his physical desires. Therefore, whatever Esav wanted, or whatever made Esav happy; Esav considered “good”. Esav wanted the red pottage, so he gave up his birthright. However the pottage didn’t make him a better person, in fact it greatly impacted upon his future. Esav wanted to associate with a certain crowd. He was not concerned about the ramifications of his actions. However those closest to him, his family, were affected by his actions.
When we make choices, when we have the opportunity to create and develop relationships, we will be affected and influenced by those relationships. We will grow and become improved individuals or we will become diminished. Our job is to spiritually search for holiness. We should aspire to bask in the glow of holiness. If, in every physical activity that we engage in including: eating sleeping, learning, working, dealing with people, is an opportunity to attain holiness; then we must only engage in that which elevates us in holiness. So we instruct our children and we hope that they choose their friends wisely. We instruct and eventually hope that our children only associate with those who make them better human beings. When they reach a certain age, we hold our breaths. When they grow a little older, become a little wiser and hopefully don’t get too hurt along the way; we exhale. When we do, hopefully we are looking at a young person comfortable in her own skin and capable of living a life of Torah.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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