Where Crickets And Cicadas Sing A Rare And Different Tune (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Terrapin Station")

There are numerous potential hazards when it comes to raising teenagers. One hazard in particular tends to rear its ugly head on Saturday nights or on evenings when there is no school the next day and our teen-age daughters want to go out with their friends.  They tell us where they are going and with whom. They may or may not need some money and still the hazard has not arrived. Then I ask two simple questions. What time do you plan on coming home? How are you getting home? The answers tend to be the same as always. Each will give me a time as late as possible with no regard for the next day’s tasks or plans. A negotiation begins and a more reasonable curfew is begrudgingly agreed upon. Then they explain that they have arranged a ride home with a friend’s parent. If negotiations are about leverage, I realize that this answer is about to tip the leverage to our teenagers’ advantage. They understand that even if they wanted to come home early, they wouldn’t be able to since the friend will want to stay later and arranged to be picked up later. I am about to be held hostage by an over indulgent parent who doesn’t care if their child sleeps until noon the next day, does nothing, and only cares that their child is well liked and popular. So I tell our teenagers that I will pick them up from said social function. Later that evening when I pick up our teenage daughters from “the night out”, and they always one of the first to be picked up, one of two fascinating things happens. Rarely do I only pick up our daughter. Usually one or two of their friends have bummed a ride as well. Turns out that the other kids didn’t want to be out so late, they just thought they had to be out late.  After dropping off the friends or if our daughters were alone to begin with, they always comment that they are glad that they left when they did.

This Shabbat we return to the weekly Torah cycle and read Parshat Acharei Mot. After two Parshiot, Tazria and Metzorah, which essentially interrupted the narrative and the laws that had been focused upon the Kohanim, we now return to the Kohen as the central focus in the Parsha. Now that he has become spiritually pure, the Torah is now ready to teach the laws for the spiritual purity of the nation. We have focused upon the impurities of individuals, now we focus upon the community. The Kohen acts on behalf of the nation just like he acts on behalf of the individual. The Torah teaches us the laws for the offerings of Yom Kippur, national atonement, and Azazel otherwise known as the Scapegoat. The Scapegoat is not offered as a sacrifice to God, but rather is sent out from the camp and left to wander in the wilderness eventually succumbing to the elements. The second half of the Parsha focuses upon the holy and holy relationships within the family. However the list of inappropriate behaviors between family members is taught within the context of the other nations. What is particularly troubling is the fact that our interaction with the two nations was a direct function of God’s plan. God invokes Egypt and God invokes Canaan. We went down to Egypt and now we were being brought to Canaan.  K’Maasei Eretz Mitzrayim Asher Y’shavtem Bah Lo Ta’Asu UchMa’Asei Eretz Canaan Asher Ani Meivi Etchem Shamah Lo Ta’Asu UvChukoteihem Lo Teileichu – Do not practice of the land of Egypt in which you dwelled; and do not perform the practice of the land of Canaan to which I bring you, and do not follow their traditions. (Lev. 18:3) For the past two centuries B’nai Yisroel dwelled in Egypt, a morally decadent community. Now B’nai Yisroel is about to head into Eretz Canaan, which was also a morally decadent land inhabited by the Moabites, the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Jebusites and the Edo mites to name a few. I can justify using Egypt as the example. First our descent into slavery both physical and spiritual was hardly overnight but rather a gradual process. Second, our experience in Egypt serves as the origins of our becoming a nation. Invoking that experience is at the core of our national memory. We remind ourselves of Yetziat Mitzrayim (The Exodus from Egypt) three times a day when we say the Shma. We are reminded of Yetziat Mitzrayim when we make Kiddush on Shabbat and all festivals. We reminded ourselves of Yetziat Mitrayim for eight days last week during the Passover Festival. We remind ourselves of Yetziat Mitzrayim and pass down that collective memory to our children at the Pesach Seder. We spent a lot of time reminding ourselves that we left Egypt, but we spend very little time reminding ourselves about entering Canaan?  Why do we focus so much on leaving Egypt and very little time focusing on entering Canaan? Canaan is God’s covenant with us, originating with Avraham Avinu. So why would God promise us a land that is as morally bankrupt as Egypt? Why would God bring us to a place that is the equivalent to a place where God brought us out? One would have assumed that Canaan was already a wonderful place otherwise God wouldn’t have brought B’nai Yisroel there nor would it have been part of a covenant.

The Be’er Yitzchak, the 19^th Russian Rabbi offers a comment that is relevant to today’s Jewish experience. “The reason for mentioning Egypt and Canaan is simple: if you imitate the Egyptians – then why did I take you out of Egypt? And if you behave like the Canaanites- why should I expel them before you/ it was on condition that you will not do so that I took you out of Egypt and that I shall expel the Canaanites… do not imitate even their innocuous practises, for these lead to total assimilation.” The experience in Egypt was an incubation period to prepare for Torah at Sinai. Our experience in Egypt would constantly serve as a reminder that we ultimately rejected physical slavery and that we ultimately rejected the institutions and behaviors of that master. It is certainly easy to reject all things Egyptian while we are reminded of how damaging the experience was. It is quite another thing to reject the behavior, and culture of a society when one is free, when one is not scarred by such a damaging experience. Yet, the success of our people, the future viability of our relationship with God through Torah could only occur if we are able to reject a dominant culture’s behavior as a free nation and not as an enslaved nation. B’nai Yisroel’s survival ultimately depends upon remaining separate and apart from the cultural majority. B’nai Yisroel’s survival depends upon remaining spiritually distinct from the majority. B’nai Yisroel’s survival depends upon the spiritual strength needed to reject the behaviors of any dominant culture, to refrain from behavior because “everyone else does it”.

It is always nice to feel part of something. It is always nice to feel included. It is always nice to be culturally recognized. From an individual perspective, going along with the crowd means never feeling left out. For our children, there is always the tension of fitting in and still retaining a sense of individuality.  However, as a people, our national sin, our national mistake is our individual yearning, our desire to be like everybody else, to assimilate. So we manage to teach our teenage daughters a most valuable lesson. Just because “everyone is doing it” neither makes it right nor means that it is good for each of them as individuals. Rather our teenage daughters need to make decisions based upon what is best for themselves. For now, as long as they are teenagers living at home; they have figured out a convenient way to avoid feeling left out and simultaneously avoid staying out ridiculously late just because “all of my friends will be staying out late.” Yep, they just blame me, and tell their friends that “since my dad is picking us up, he doesn’t want to be out so late since he has to wake up early the next morning”. If my daughters need me to be their Azazel, their scapegoat, I suppose there are worse things.

Peace

Rav Yitz

Althea Told Me Upon Scrutiny That My Back Might Need Protection (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Althea")

           Well we picked up our two teen-age daughters from summer camp.  I should have known what was in store for us when we picked them up. We were about an hour late and they were busy hanging around with the other staff kids. We had to look for them. There was no hug, just a passing hello as they ran off crying with their friends. We finally gathered them into the van.  They cried. They bemoaned the fact that they had to return to civilization. They bemoaned the fact they were returning to school. They bemoaned the fact that they couldn’t be loud, stay up late, and talk all night with their friends.  After the car ride and we arrived home and now it seems that no matter what we ask of our daughters, no matter what we do for our daughters, they snap at us, they yell at us and they basically remind us how horrible we are since we took them from camp and they have to wait another ten months before they return.  Their mother and I grew up going to camp, we know how terrific camp can be and how influential camp can be; and we know that there is a requisite decompression time before they return to themselves. Yet I can’t help but wonder that with another camp season passed, our influence has diminished and the influence of their friends and peers have increased. 

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Shoftim.  Moshe reminds B'nai Yisroel to establish courts upon their arrival in the land. He reminds Bnai Yisroel that there is no room for Idolatry, a crime punishable by death. He reminds Bnai Yisroel to be aware of the elder that teaches Torah in a perverse manner. Moshe prophesizes that Bnai Yisroel will want a king. However Moshe reminds the people that the king of Israel must never be like other Kings. In order to guarantee that the King of Israel behaves appropriately, he is commanded to have two Sifrei Torah. One Torah is to remain in the palace for safekeeping and one that he carries with him so that he can be reminded of what it means to be king. Moshe reminds Bnai Yisroel about prophecy and how to know who is a true prophet and who is not. He reminds Bnai Yisroel that they will have to fight in order to conquer the land and there are rules for waging war and negotiating for peace. He also explains that there will be cities of refuge established for those accused of manslaughter and must flee from the avenging family member. Finally he reminds Bnai Yisroel that a town has a responsibility for an unsolved murder. In essence, Moshe reminds Bnai Yisroel that there is no excuse to behave like other nations. Every aspect of life is governed my laws to remind Bnai Yisroel of this fact.

While Moshe reminds Bnai Yisroel of the myriad of laws that are established in order to prevent them from behaving like the other nations; there are moments that extreme measures must be taken.  These extreme measures only exist in the context of He’Arim Rechokot Mimcha Meod-cities that are very distant from you; those cities and those people should be wiped out: L’Maan Asher Lo Yilamdu Etchem La’Asot K’Chol To’Avotam Asu Leiloheihem L’Adoshem Elokeichem –so that they will not teach you to act according to all their abominations that they performed for their gods so that you will sin to Hashem, your God. (Deut 20:15,18). What does it mean when the Torah mentions “a city that is very distant from you”? This is not an issue of geography, nor is it an issue of xenophobia or a simplistic version of racism. Rather, this category of city has everything to do with a place whose inhabitants are so far removed from the Noahide laws, so enmeshed in the idolatry that perverts the fundamental value of the sanctity of life, such inhabitants, and such a place should be destroyed.  The Torah’s reason is simple, so that this horrible influence shouldn’t be anywhere near the Jewish people.

No, we don’t look at our daughter’s summer camp experience as a “distant city” that needs to be eliminated. However, just as such a city needs to be eliminated because of the fear of that city’s influence upon Bnai Yisroel; we worry about those untoward influences upon our children. We also know that less and less places are truly distant yet the influences upon the Jewish people that are negative are plentiful. We cannot rid ourselves of such influences by eliminated the people and the place. Rather we can only eliminate the influence by strengthening Bnai Yisroel. As parents we can eliminate the negative influences, rather we can strengthen our children so that they have the tools to deal with those negative influences, even if it some of those influences come from their friends.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Brother Esau Holds a Curse (John Barlow, Bob Weir- "My Brother Esau")

With a daughter about to turn 21, and another daughter beginning the Bar/Bat Mitzvah circuit, I often experience both waves of relief and waves of anxiety. The wave of relief is that one child has made it to the final year of University, about to turn 21 and is truly her own person. The peer pressure of adolescent years and her teen age years have come and gone leaving her comfortable in her own skin. The peer pressure of high school and vulnerable early years of University have been replaced by the wisdom of engaging in relationships that make her a better person and choosing friends that treat her as well as she treats her friends. The wave of anxiety is that another child is now on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah circuit and now begins the long process of growing into her own skin. Now she begins dealing with all the social issues and peer pressure that is associated with adolescence. Now she has to learn how to choose her friends not because of issues of popularity but base on issues of loyalty, honesty and bringing out the best in each other. Like our older daughter, I have no doubt that there will be many tears focusing on issues of Peer Pressure, issues of being part of the group, afraid that “they won’t like me”, or wanting to fit in so much that perhaps poor choices are made. To think there are still two more after her, for whom my wife and I have to go through this again and again! Parents want their child hanging around with kids who share similar values, who bring out the best in the child, or who exert a positive peer pressure.

This week’s Parsha is Toldot. We read of the birth of Esav and Yaakov. Even though they were twins, we learn that these boys couldn’t be any different. Esav is a hunter Ish Sadeh – a man of the field, an outdoorsman, Yaakov is Ish Tam v’Yashav b’Ohalo – a simple man who resides in his tent. When Esav turned 40, he marries a woman from another tribe. As different as the boys were before this, Esav’s marriages reflect his further spiritual diminishment from his mother and father. Esav’s association with these women brings out the worst in him. Va’Yehi Eisav Ben Arbaim Shanah VaYikach Isha et Y’hudit Bat B’Eiri HaChiti V’et Basmat Bat Eilon Ha’Chiti – When Esav was forty years old, he took as a wife Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. Va’Tiheyenah Morat Ruach L’Yitzchak U’l’Rivkah – and they were a source of spiritual bitterness for Yitzchak and Rivka (Gen.26:24).

There is a Midrash that tells us that once a species of bird migrated to Eretz Yisrael. The Rabbis were unable to determine whether this new specie was kosher or treif. Rabbi Chiya, the leading scholar of his day, said, “Isolate one of these new birds on the roof and see what kind of birds associate with it.” Immediately a raven (which is not kosher) joined the new bird. The Rabbis were able to finally determine that the new species of bird was not kosher. The same was true with regard to Esav, when he married both women. They brought out the worst in him, whether it was Avodah Zarah – idolatry, or degrading himself to such a point that he did not warrant receiving the blessing. Of even greater concern to Rivkah and Yitzchak was the departure of the Divine Presence. Remember that when Yitzchak’s mother, Sarah, died, the light in her tent, the holy presence diminished. When Yitzchak married Rivka, the Holy Presence returned to Sarah’s tent. However, when Esav’s wives became part of Yitzchak’s household, this holy light was vanquished.

From this one event, we learn the importance of associating with people, developing friendships, and engaging in relationships that elevate us spiritually, that make us a better person. It is interesting to note that nowhere in this text of the Torah or in its Midrash did we read words like “good” or “bad”. These women might have been perfectly nice women, however if they diminished Esav’s spiritual aspect, then neither of these women were good for Esav. Throughout our lives, we encounter circumstances and situations where our only criteria should be: does this spiritually uplift me or diminish me? Does it make me a better person if not? Esav was an extremely physical being unable to control his physical desires. Therefore, whatever Esav wanted, or whatever made Esav happy; Esav considered “good”. Esav wanted the red pottage, so he gave up his birthright. However the pottage didn’t make him a better person, in fact it greatly impacted upon his future. Esav wanted to associate with a certain crowd. He was not concerned about the ramifications of his actions. However those closest to him, his family, were affected by his actions.

When we make choices, when we have the opportunity to create and develop relationships, we will be affected and influenced by those relationships. We will grow and become improved individuals or we will become diminished. Our job is to spiritually search for holiness. We should aspire to bask in the glow of holiness. If, in every physical activity that we engage in including: eating sleeping, learning, working, dealing with people, is an opportunity to attain holiness; then we must only engage in that which elevates us in holiness. So we instruct our children and we hope that they choose their friends wisely. We instruct and eventually hope that our children only associate with those who make them better human beings. When they reach a certain age, we hold our breaths. When they grow a little older, become a little wiser and hopefully don’t get too hurt along the way; we exhale. When we do, hopefully we are looking at a young person comfortable in her own skin and capable of living a life of Torah.

Peace,

Rav Yitz