All My Lights Grow Old (Hunter, Garcia "The Attics of My Life")

Whenever my children spend time with their great-grandfather, who is 95 years old, they are always trying to figure out what his life must have been like as a child. When they see a horse drawn carriage, they ask: “Was Zaide alive when there were horse drawn carriages?” When they see a picture of Abraham Lincoln or a scene from the Civil War, they will ask: “Was Zaide alive during the Civil War?” When they see old black and white silent movies with Charlie Chaplin, they ask: “Was Zaide a kid when this movie took place?” Any elderly person that they see or encounter is immediately compared to their Zaide. “He has a walker like Zaide, he must be very old”.

From the book Chassidic Tales of the Holocaust, there is a story of a mother and daughter, Livia who managed to survive the war. Looking out for each other and encouraging each other day after day, they struggled through the terror of several concentration camps. After the war, a sympathetic German woman looked at Livia, the daughter, and commented, “It must have been very difficult for people your age to endure all this suffering.” “How old to you think I am?” Livia asked. “Maybe 60 or 62,” replied the German woman. “No. I’m 14,” replied Livia. Terrified upon hearing this, the woman crossed herself and fled.

In this week’s Parshah, Vayigash,Yosef reveals himself to his brothers. He urges his brother Yehudah to bring his father down to Egypt in order to reunite father and son as well as save him from the famine. Yosef arranges for his brothers and all their households to live in Goshen, thereby preserving their livelihood as shepherds. Yosef then brings his 130 year-old father to meet Pharaoh. After a very revealing exchange, Yaakov blesses Pharaoh. The Parshah concludes with all Yaakov’s sons, and their households and cattle settling down again. However instead of Canaan they settle down in Goshen, and they thrive.

While last week’s Parshah embodied the theme of appearances, this week’s parshah is all about the effect of emotions upon appearances. Specifically, we read that Yosef could no longer contain his anguish and his excitement at the possibility of seeing his father. Later towards the end of the Parshah, Pharaoh looks upon this 130 year old man and asks, “How old are you”? We see what life has done to Yaakov and his response. “Uma’at Shanah V’Raim hayu y’mei Shnei Chayai, V’lo Hisigu et Y’mei Shnei Chayai Avotai Bimei M’gureihem” Few and bad have been the day of the years of my life, and they have not reached the years of the life of my forefathers in the days of their wanderings. The RaMBaM and RaShBaM explain that Yaakov’s elderly appearance is a function the difficulties and tragedies of his life. Although he doesn’t share this with Pharaoh, Yaakov’s strange response indicates that he has never forgotten the twenty two years working for his evil uncle Lavan, and the decades fearing his brother Esav. Yaakov’s response to Pharaoh suggests that he has lived with the tsuris of his daughter’s violation by Shechem. Yaakov’s response to Pharaoh suggests that Yaakov has been living in a state of mourning since the day he was informed by his sons that Yosef had died in that pit twenty two years before. Yaakov has been through life, and these tragedies aged him. Yaakov tells Pharaoh that he is not as old as his father or grandfather. He just looks old. So much so, that when Pharaoh looked upon Yaakov, he was amazed to see such an ancient looking man.

So, what do we learn from Yaakov’s answer to Pharaoh’s question? What connection do we see between Yaakov and his great granddaughter Livia who survived the Holocaust? We see that our experiences affect us. We know that tragedies age us. Yet while Yaakov’s answer indicates that he had been through a lot, his answer suggests that of a Tzaddik. No matter how sad the situation, or tragic the experience, Yaakov possessed within him the element of a fighter. His name is Yisroel, and he is called by this name several times during the Parshah. He could accept a situation and then handle whatever came his way. His great granddaughter Livia is no different. Her terrifying experience aged her; it did not kill her. She possessed within her the spirit of Yisroel. She, too, wrestled and survived. We are an appropriately named people, Yisroel. While our personal and national experiences age us, our personal and national survival depends upon our ability to struggle with and cling to God. So it was with Yosef, Yaakov and Livia. It is this ability to make peace with our struggles and remain un-embittered that permits a person to be a Tzaddik. Yaakov and Livia both demonstrate this quiet sense of righteousness.

Peace,

Rave Yitz

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been ( Hunter, Garcia, Weir, Lesh - Truckin')

My wife and I just sat through Parent/Teachers’ conferences. You should know that I am incredibly uncomfortable bragging about my children and I only hope that what I am about to say doesn’t sound like bragging. It is not my intent. Believe me; all of my kids have shortcomings. For me, those shortcomings are a clear indication that they are all regular ordinary kids who are absolutely adorable and even angelic when asleep. However they have the innate capacity, as all kids do, to drive mom and dad crazy. During the conferences, each teacher went on and on about each child, their academic performance, their respectful behavior towards the teachers as well as their positive influence upon their peer group. My jaw dropped. I wondered aloud how nice it would be if they saved 2% of that wonderful behavior and attitude for their mother and me. Then all the teachers said something quite revealing. My wife and I have a policy regarding homework. If our kids know that they will be absent, they must get the work prior to the absence. That means they must notify the teacher and make every effort to get the homework; no excuse is accepted. Each teacher commented how responsible they were about homework and taking tests. Each teacher explained that our children attributed their sense of responsibility in this matter to “my mom and dad”. It was nice to hear that our children have learned a little something from us.

This week’s Parsha is Mikeitz. This is Yosef’s coming out party. He is released from prison in order to interpret Pharaoh’s dreams. First he informs Pharaoh that God has given him this gift, and then he successfully interprets the two dreams. Pharaoh is so impressed, and so trusting of Yosef, that he makes Yosef his right hand man. He becomes responsible for preparing Egypt for the famine that will occur. When the famine struck Egypt, it also affected Canaan where Yosef’s brothers and father lived. They go down to Egypt seeking relief. Yosef recognizes them, but he does not reveal his identity. Rather he tests their moral growth; he purposefully frames the youngest brother, Benjamin in order to determine whether the brothers would finally protect one of their own. After many years in prison, Yosef finally has the opportunity to exhibit the moral growth of his character, and can evaluate the moral character of others. This Parsha demonstrates the effect that his moral character has upon others.

Certainly it seems rather farfetched that a young imprisoned foreign slave could rise to the position of Prime Minister second only to Pharaoh himself. Certainly, we can legitimately ask how it was possible that Yosef could be appointed to this incredibly powerful position. A hint comes from last week’s parsha, Va’Yeishev, when Yosef interpreted the wine steward and baker’s dreams. He gave the credit to God. Here again in Mikeitz, prior to interpreting the Pharaoh’s dreams Yosef responds: Bilahdai Elohim Ya’Aneh et Shalom Paroh – That is beyond me; it is God who will respond with Pharaoh’s welfare.” (Gen 41:16) Throughout his interactions with Pharaoh, Yosef always cites God as the supreme force in his life. Even more impressive in evaluating Yosef’s spiritual progress, is Rashi’s comment. Rashi explains Ein Hachachmah Misheli, Eilah Elohim Ya’Aneh –The wisdom is not mine but God will answer – Yitein Anayah B’Fi LiShlom Paroh – He will put an answer in my mouth regarding the welfare of Pharoah.

Yosef’s has a conviction that he did not have at the beginning of last weeks Parsha. For Yosef, God is the Supreme Force, and Yosef's refusal to think of himself as being so important apparently made a tremendous impression upon Pharoah. Yosef’s faith that God will provide him with the answer and not leave him stumbling and bumbling also makes a tremendous impression upon Pharoah. Remember, we are speaking of the same arrogant, egotistical, spoiled son of Yaakov who told his brothers and father that they would eventually bow down to him. So what type of character does Pharaoh see embodied in Yosef? Pharaoh realized that he was dealing with a humble God-fearing man. Such an individual possesses the integrity and honesty not normally found in the typical members of the Royal Court. Royal Courtiers tended to be opportunists always trying to elevate their standing within the Palace. Pharaoh could trust Yosef.

So what do we learn from Yosef’s rise from prison to Prime Minister? Yosef no longer tooted his own horn. Yosef no longer acted with hubris. Yosef was no longer self-serving or opportunistic. We learn that Yosef’s faith in God gave him perspective. Yosef learned, albeit the hard way, that he was not the center of the universe. His rise was a direct function of his acknowledgment of God’s supremacy and his expression of a matured moral character. It is not enough to acknowledge God’s supremacy and not behave with moral integrity. Nor is it enough to behave with moral integrity and not acknowledge God’s supremacy. The former leads to hypocrisy and the latter leads to arrogance, and self-righteousness.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

A Young Man's Dream of Growing Up (Merle Haggard - "Mama Tried")

A few days ago, when there was a lull in the evening, the homework was done, the showers were taken, the teeth were brushed, the pajamas were on, and the piano had been practiced, my seven year old son and I were about to read together. I asked him how school was and he started to get upset when he described his day. He didn’t tell me anything about school per se, but rather focused upon the social life of recess and the laws of the playground. “Abba, they teased me because I am short”. I asked him if that upset him, even though I could see it on his face. He said he wanted to cry but didn’t. He asked how much longer will he be short. He mentioned that he didn’t want to be out there with his other friends for recess anymore. “Abba, they were so mean, I don’t want to go back to school tomorrow.” I smiled and hugged him. I remember this conversation. This conversation occurred numerous times when I was a child. “You're going to school otherwise you will feel even shorter.”

This week we read from Parsha VaYeishev. The focus of the narrative shifts from Yaakov to the adventures or rather the misadventures of Yaakov’s beloved son Yosef. We are all familiar with Yosef. Evidence of Yaakov’s love and favoritism is manifest in the second pasuk (verse) of the Parsha: Eileh Toldot Yaakov, Yosef Ben Shva Esrei Shanah Hayah Roeh et Echav B’Tzon. These are the generations of Yaakov – Yosef was 17 years old and was a shepherd with his brothers (Gen 37:2) Even before we meet the brothers in the narrative from Yaakov’s only concern was Yosef. Normally when we have read the phrase Eileh Toldot – These are the generations, we read about the generations of the ancestor, whether it was Adam, Noach or Esav we read about all the offspring and generations leading to the next main character. While the Torah tells us that Yaakov favored Yosef, it doesn’t become explicitly evident until we read that Yosef tells his father about his brother’s bad behavior and is rewarded with the Coat of Many Colors.

The Torah tells us that the brothers hated him and that Yosef was acutely aware of this. V’Lo Yachlu Dabro L’Shalom – They (the brothers) could not speak peaceably towards him. Rashi explains that they expressed their hatred right to Yosef’s face. They didn’t try to conceal at all but let him know in no uncertain terms how they felt about him. Knowing how his brother’s felt about him, Yosef shares not one dream but two dreams. Not only does he tell them e that someday in the future they will bow down to him, but he reminds them again. First he tells them through the illusion of the corn sheaves bowing towards his corn sheave. Next he shares the dream of the heavenly constellations bowing to him as well: eleven stars, the sun and the moon all bowed down to him. Not only does he share this with brothers who hate him and obviously hate him even more, but he shared this with his father. The brothers’ response is obvious. VaYeKanu Vo Echav – So his brothers were jealous of him.

Yaakov’s response is far more mysterious and perhaps troubling. V’Aviv Shamar et HaDavar- But his father kept the matter in mind. “Keeping the matter in mind” could mean several very different things. Rashi explains that Yaakov waited to see when Yosef’s dream would come to fruition and so he guarded it faithfully. For Yaakov, Yosef’s dream was inevitability, a Navuah – a prophecy like the one his mother received while pregnant with him and his brother Esav. Rashi’s comment never suggests that Yaakov was upset at Yosef for sharing the dream with him or the eleven brothers. R’ Ovadia Sforno – the great 16^th century Italian Rabbi, speaking five centuries after Rashi interprets Yaakov’s actions in an even stronger tone that Rashi: He was convinced that it was a true dream and he looked forward to its realization as our sages tell us ‘ One is jealous of all except his son and his student’ (Sanhedrin 105b).

While most, if not all the classical Meforshim (commentators) interpret Yaakov’s response in a similar vein: that Yaakov faithfully waited to see and perhaps even hoped for the day when Yosef’s dream would become reality; that interpretation doesn’t make sense when we evaluate Yaakov’s actions in the psukim immediately following “his keeping the matter in mind”. We are told that the brothers have the herd in Shechem and VaYomeir Yisroel el Yosef Halo Achecha Ro’im BiShchem L’Cha V’Eshlacha Aleihem – And Israel (Yaakov) said to Joseph, ‘Your brothers are pasturing in Shechem, are they not? Come, I will send you to them… Lech Nah R’eh et Shalom Achecha v’Et Shalom HaTzon, V’Hashiveinu Davar – Go now, look into the welfare of your brothers and the welfare of the flock and bring me back word” (Gen. 13-15). Didn’t Yaakov know how his 11 sons felt about Yosef? If so, how could he have knowingly sent him to see them and, even worse, for the express purpose of reporting back to Yaakov? Does Yaakov want to put Yosef into a very bad situation where he could be hurt? We say that Yaakov was not very aware how his 11 sons felt towards Yosef, and then we have a real problem with Yaakov as a parent. Even so, Yosef knew how the brothers felt towards him.

A more modern interpretation, and perhaps a more personal interpretation suggests that while Yaakov favored Yosef to a fault and Yaakov held the matter of the dreams close to himself in the hopes that someday Yosef’s dream would become a reality, Israel is a different type of aspect within Yaakov. The Israel aspect of Yaakov understood what Yaakov did not. Yosef also understood what Yaakov failed to understand. Yes, the brothers hated Yosef. Yes Yosef’s dream was unpleasant for the brothers to hear and certainly let to increased jealousy and animosity. Like Israel was so named because he wrestled with and was victorious in overcoming his conflict with Esav, Yosef needs have the confrontation with his brothers. So when Israel calls to Yosef and tells him that he has to go to the brothers, Yosef responds Hinneni –“ Here I am” meaning that he is present and ready for duty with no questions and no hesitation. Yosef’s father kept the matter in mind because he understood that just like he had to deal with his brother, better that Yosef should deal with his brothers, and all the teasing and all the anger sooner rather than allowing two decades to pass before you deal with it. In a sense Yaakov kept the original matter in mind to be used when Yosef had the opportunity to grow up a little and develop a better sense of humility.

I told my son that they used to tease me because I was so short. I told him that I felt crummy. I told him that I remember distinctly coming home one Sunday afternoon after playing football with the guys. They kept teasing me and I became angry. I remember weeping to my father telling him how I hated being the shortest kid out there. He asked me one question, and I asked my son. “Do you feel short? I remember answering “no”, and happily my son answered “no” as well. I then gave my son the same advice as he gave me. Then you march yourself back there and play big, you outwork, outhustle and outthink the other guy, and if they tease you just do your best. You can’t control when you grow taller, but you will. So become better than those kids who tease you. Sometimes Shaleim – becoming complete means getting right back in there to taking your lumps and confronting whatever needs to be confronted. Only then can one achieve Shalom – peace.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Esau Tried To Build A World, A Marvelous Disguise (Barlow, Weir - My Brother Esau)

A few days ago I conducted a funeral. While meeting with the family prior to the Levayah (funeral), I was asked if I believed that people change. Certainly, Judaism is pretty clear about the possibility of change. Because Judaism is behaviorally based and not dogmatically based, we believe that if the behavior changes, then ultimately the individual will change. Among the most prevalent themes of the Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) is the notion that we are capable of changing our behavior, changing ourselves, improving ourselves and becoming better versions of ourselves. Certainly, I want to believe that, and as a Rabbi that is my first response. However I don’t think it is so simple. Tshuvah, repentance, real Tshuvah, according to the RaMBaM is incredibly difficult. Changing behavior is incredibly difficult, changing a personality is all but impossible. So while our tradition speaks of from a conceptual f framework that change is possible for people; I think that “change” is something that occurs at the margins. The core of a person is not as susceptible to change. Maybe, when we talk about a person has changed over the years; the change is really at the margins. However at the core, deep down in the soul, that person is still very much the same, he or she has figured out how to live with what is at their core, how to sublimate the energy that is at the core into something positive, or not.

This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds and altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s.

Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav. VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). Certainly at first blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly it appears that the decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother. It appears that Esav has changed. The plain meaning of the text suggests this. However, the plain text, the simple meaning is focused upon behavior, upon the margins and not at the core.

Imagine not seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach; the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault instead of a loving embrace? While wondering about the hug, what happens when the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”? Yet all these questions were cause for Yaakov’s trepidation during this reunion.

One thing is clear however, the narrative concludes with Esav first expressing a desire to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggest that some of his armed men should escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion), Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my Lords eyes. VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah So Esav started back that day on his way toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen. 33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. They don’t hug and kiss each other good bye, or at least the Torah text doesn’t tell us that they hugged and kissed each other good bye. Rather there is an offer by Esav to take Yaakov to Seir. Perhaps Esav thought he was being nice, perhaps he was trying to lull Yaakov into a trap and planned to wipe out Yaakov and his family later. What we do know is that Yaakov understood that while his brother’s outward behavior may or may not have changed, Yaakov realized that his family’s future was best served by staying as far away as possible from his brother. Yes, at first blush it was so easy for Yaakov and Esav to hug and kiss each other, to weep together.

At the margins perhaps they each had softened a bit, perhaps they had become better versions of themselves. However, at their respective cores, they both understood that for the sake of themselves, and their descendents, it is better that each acknowledges the other and then lives separately from each other. So I told the daughter, “No, I do not think people really change.” I explained that we are all capable at changing our behavior. However at our core, we are who we are. Our task is to channel our behavior and to follow the path that allows us to be the best version of ourselves. Our task is to follow our respective life’s path like Yaakov Avinu.

Peace,

Rav Yitz