If the Horse Don't Pull, You Got To Carry The Load (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "New Speedway Boogie")

Since my wife and three children returned from their two extra weeks in Israel, I have become keenly aware of decibel difference between living alone and having my family home. Make no mistake; it is wonderful having a full house. I love the laughter, the enthusiasm of four people all talking at me at the same time during dinner. I enjoy the hugs and I enjoy watching my children doing an activity together. One thing that I didn’t miss was their bickering. I admit it. I used to bicker with my little sister and to a certain extent, when we are together for more than a few hours; we revert to bickering all over again. However, my wife and I are employing a new strategy to get them to stop. It is too soon to tell if it is working. However in the few days that they have been home, this strategy does seem to work in the very short run. I use the “Too Old, We Need Your Help” strategy. Essentially, I tell them that I am too old to have to hear the bickering, and that they are too old to be bickering. Then we explain that because mommy and I are tired, don’t feel well, had a hard day, or are going through a tough time and have a lot on our mind, we need your [the children’s] help. Part of that help is to figure out how to get a long and stop the bickering.

This week’s Parshah is Devarim, which is the first Parshah of the Book of Deuteronomy or Sefer Devarim. Moshe recounts in very wide brushstrokes, the experience of the generation that fled Egypt. Very few details are given. In fact Moshe begins the story at the foot of Sinai; however, the name is changed from Sinai to Horev. In his recounting, Moshe speaks as a participant in this national experience not in the third person. This is quite different from the Moshe we have seen. Until now he spoke as a prophet. God told him and he told B'nai Yisroel. Now Moshe displays a certain amount of freedom. When Moshe speaks, he places himself in the center of the story. Moshe speaks using words such as: I, we, and you. Now God has become the third party. Perhaps this is best expressed when Moshe begins his "telling" by gently rebuking B'nai Yisroel. The language is in terms of what B'nai Yisroel did to him as well as God. "V'Omar Aleichem Ba'Eit HaHi Leimor Lo Uchal L'vadi Se'Eit Etchem: "I said to you at the time, saying, 'I cannot carry you alone…How can I carry your contentiousness your burdens and your quarrels" (Deut. 1:9,12). Moshe subtly and gently begins to point out how rebellious their parents behaved during the past forty years. He reminds this generation how the first generation rebelled while God provided, and cared for them. The message to this new generation is clear. Our parents may have made mistakes, but God never abandoned us. This generation learns that they too will make mistakes and will know that God won't abandon them. God will always work with them.

We know that God wanted to destroy and abandon his people on occasion (Ex. 32:10 and Num. 11:1-3), yet he did not. The subtlety and the gentility of Moshe's rebuke lies in the fact that he did not mention this. Neither does Moshe go into any type of detail concerning Bnai Yisroel’s rebellious behavior. Rashi, the 11^th century Northern French commentator, asked the same question that you are asking right now.  What was the nature of "Eilu HaD'varim-These Words"? Why did Moshe purposefully leave out the embarrassing details and instead shade his language so gently? Rashi explains: L'fi sh'hein divrei tochachat umanah kaan kol hamkomot sh'hichisu lifnei hamakom bahen, lefichach satam et ha'dvarim…mipnei chevodecha shel yisroel - Since these are words of reproof, and he enumerates here all the places in which they provoked the Omnipresent, therefore he conceals the matters (in which they sinned) and mentions them by allusion (contained in the names of these places out of respect for Israel."  Rashi is of the opinion that Moshe's intent was as teacher. He wanted to explain to this new generation what had happened. Embarrassment and humiliation would have no purpose. No matter what their parents had done, God maintained his covenant. No matter what their parents had done, God would not visit their sins upon this generation. Besides, B'nai Yisroel was designated in the book of Leviticus as a holy nation, a nation of priests. Therefore Moshe must show this generation the appropriate respect. He cannot be ill tempered and rebuke them for what their parents had done.

Moshe understood that God instills this holiness in all of us. So whether or not our predecessors behaved inappropriately at particular times, whether or not our predecessors behaved wrongly, we are foolish if we don't try to learn from that example. Learning will be effective when we are empowered rather than embarrassed or humiliated. Even if a rebuke is required, it can be done with in a way that neither demeans nor embarrasses the person. For the last couple of days, when there is even the slightest sound of bickering, we keep reminding them that they are older and don’t need to act like babies. The new strategy seems to work. Our children have all responded well and the bickering has diminished noticeably.

Peace,

Rav Yitz