Recently, our children have started a new form of
manipulation with great regularity. When
their respective request for something is denied, they muster as much righteous
indignation that they can, and they say: “But you promised!” Of course they assume
that by reminding us that we “promised”, we will honor their request.
Interestingly enough, my wife and I always respond the same way, “I never said, ‘I
promise.’” They attempt to argue a little more, but with no more righteous
indignation, the argument becomes a pout and then the argument concludes.
This Shabbat, we read from the final two Parshiot in Sefer
Bemidbar (Book of Numbers): Matot and Masei.
This double parsha begins with the laws of Nedarim (Vows), and then Bnai
Yisroel fights against the Midianites. Moshe rebukes his officers for their
collective failure to deal with the Midianite woman since they were the cause
of Bnai Yisroel’s plague in the first place. Bnai Yisroel then begins the
process of dividing the spoils of this battle. Two tribes, Reuben and Gad
request to settle in land east of the Jordan River and not the land promised by
Hashem. Moshe expresses his anger over the request and the two tribes amend
their request. Moshe adds a condition and an agreement is reached. The Torah
recounts the various stops that Bnai Yisroel made on their journey to Eretz Canaan,
the boundaries of Eretz Canaan are clarified, the new leadership is introduced
and the cities of refuge of explained and established. Finally, Sefer Bemidbar
concludes with a reminder of the laws for tribal inheritance. With all those
loose ends neatly sewn up; Bnai Yisroel now sits on the eastern bank of the
Jordan River waiting to enter Eretz Canaan.
The beginning of the Parsha, with its focus upon Nedarim
v’Shvuot Vows and Oaths, we are being reminded of two vital concepts. First we
are reminded of the Aseret Dibrot, of the Ten Commandments and specifically
invoking God’s name in vain. Ish Ki Yidor Neder L’adoshem When a
man takes a vow to Hashem (Num. 30:3). Part of the process by which one
makes a vow is to invoke God name. Therefore, a failure to keep the vow or the
oath means that one has used God’s name in vain. The repercussions of which are
extremely serious. Second, we learned in
Sefer Breishit (Book of Genesis) that speech is holy. Speech is part of the
God’s creative process; Vayomer Elokim,
Yehi Or, VaYahi Or- And God said: Let
there be Light; and there was light. In a sense, speech is perhaps one of
the only actions available to us that allows us to emulate God. When we make a
vow or an oath, we are acting similar to God. A Neder is a pledge to prohibit
oneself from something that that the Torah permits. Or a Neder can be
obligating oneself to something that the Torah considers to be optional.
Obligating oneself to contribute to a specific charity would be an example of "obligating
that which is optional". Refraining from apples would be an example of
prohibiting something that is originally acceptable. In either case the
individual is truly acting like God. The individual is creating Halacha and
making his vow and or oath becomes tantamount to Torah. Clearly this cannot be
taken lightly. After all, the severity of the language is a function of the
fact that one makes this vow, pledge or oath to God and not to ones self or to
another. Certainly, there needs to be
and there are means by which a person can be relinquished from his/her pledge,
vow, or oath.
Clearly our children think that when we say yes to their
request for some future activity, they equate our affirmative response to a vow
or a pledge. I remind them that when I say “yes” to their request, I am really
saying that “all things being equal, and if there is time, and if you behave,
then ‘yes’". There is no promise, there is no oath and there is no vow. Sometimes I just simpley respond with a "maybe". My wife and I remind each other that we ought never to
promise because a promise to children really is tantamount to invoking God. For
children a promise is swearing an oath, or making a vow. It is something that
is sacred and holy and ought never to be revoked. As a result we never promise to do
anything our children request. Maybe they will figure it out when they get a
little older, maybe.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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