Oh Well a Touch of Grey Kind of Suits You Anyway ( Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia "Touch of Grey")

Our eldest daughter is home visiting for a few weeks. The last time we saw her was this past August.  When she arrived home and was sitting with her sisters and brother, she commented on  how gray my hair had become over the past 3 ½ months. Her siblings agreed explaining that the graying was occurring at a quicker rate. While everyone had a nice little chuckle at my expense, our eldest daughter looked up and asked if I have been worrying more than usual.  “Well there are the usual things that I always worry about, life's regular stresses: raising kids, a newly bought home, a bat mitzvah, work and marriage.” Then I explained that there are all the other things that cause me to wake up in the middle of the night in a worried, anxious sweat. “You know, the big existential anxiety ridden things that cause one to have sleepless nights,  life, death, the quality of life and the quality of death,  what am I doing with my life, how am I going to pay for day school, college and weddings, you know the stuff that a middle age person wrestles with.” Then I tried to cheer her up by telling her that she is twenty five years from having to deal with this stuff. Make no mistake about it, we all go through a period of time where we struggle with the existential angst of life, and for some reason it occurs late at night while everyone else sleeps soundly.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Vayishlach. Yaakov and his family prepare to return to Yaakov’s home. However they will first need to deal with an almost twenty year grudge held by Esav. Yaakov will hope for the best and prepare for the worst as he prepares to meet his brother.  After their short reunion, Yaakov makes his way back to his ancestral lands. His mother passes away. He is blessed with another son, Benjamin, born to his wife Rachel. However she dies in childbirth. His daughter, Dinah, has an illicit relationship with a prince of Shechem. According to the text, she is rendered “impure” and her brothers wipe out the prince and his village. Yaakov’s name is changed to Yisroel. God blessed Yaakov  within the context of the covenant made with Avraham and Yitzchok. Yaakov’s blessing includes, children, land and wealth, all of the things that God promised to Yaakov’s grandfather – Avraham. The Parsha concludes Yaakov and Esav seeing each other one last time in order to bury their father Yitzchok, and then we read the final psukim: a list of Esav’s descendants down to grandchildren.

The parsha is replete with dramatic moments. However the brief narrative about Yaakov’s night prior to his first meeting with Esav, offers us a life changing moment in Yaakov’s life.  VaYivater Yaakov L’Vado, VaYei’avek Ish Imo Ad A lot HaShachar – Jacob was left alone and a many wrestled with him until the break of dawn.  VaYar Ki Lo Yachol Lo VYiga B’Chaf Yereicho VaTeikah Kaf Yerech Yaakov  B’Hei’Avko Imo – When he perceive that he could not overcome him, he struck the socket of his hip; so Jacob’s hip socket was dislocated as he wrestled with him.  VaYomer Shalcheini Ki Alah Hashachar Vayomer Lo Ashaleichecha Ki Im Beiractani – Then he said, “Let me go, for dawn has broken. “ And he said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” Vayomer Eilav Mah Shemecha VaYomer Yaakov – and he said to him, “what is your name” and he said “Jacob”. Vayomer Lo Yaakov Yei’Amar Od Shimcha Ki Im Yisroel Ki Sarita Im Elohim V’Im Anashim Vatuchal – He said, “No longer will it be said that your name is Jacob, but Israel, for you fought with the Divine and with man and have overcome.” ( Gen 32:25-29) So if Yaakov was left alone, with whom did he wrestle?  The Torah tells us he wrestled with  a man, however by the end of this brief narrative, Yaakov is asking the man(?) to bless him.  The M’forshim also struggle with this brief narrative.  Rashi reminds us of how our sages explained who this “man” was. According to our sages  Sh’Hu Saro Shel Eisav – that it was the guardian angel of Esav.  Chizkuni – the 13^th century French commentator succinctly states Malach B’Damut Ish – an angel in the form of a man. Radak, Rabbi David Kimchi – a late 12/early 13^th century French commentator is even more explicit. He offers a one word explanation as to the “man’s” identity – Melach – an angel. Some say it was the guardian angel of Esav and some say it was an Angel sent to restate God’s promise to Yaakov.

          However a more modern and psychologically aware understanding seems that the “man” is Yaakov. Yaakov is struggling with himself. The language of the wrestling match only uses the Hebrew word “Hu” – in English "he". He said, he held on, he didn’t let go, he blessed him, he wrestled with him. Yaakov’s name is only mentioned when his hip is pulled out of joint, when he states his name and when the other being renames Yaakov. The actual “play by play” deliberately uses the third person singular pronoun as opposed to proper nouns. Yaakov’s whole life has been a struggle… first with Esav, God,  and then Lavan. Before his impending struggle with Esav, Yaakov needs to know who exactly Yaakov is and who he clings to – which aspect of himself does he cling to? The godly aspect within him? The Esav within him? The reality is, Yaakov must decide who he is and what that means as he returns to his ancestral home and receives the covenant.  It will leave a mark for sure, however during his sleepless night, during his “mid life crisis” and his “moment of clarity”; Yaakov will finally be a complete spiritual person with a full acceptance of his relationship to God and a sense of purpose in his life. This does not mean his life will be easier. It just means that Yaakov, with this renewed sense of purpose and identity will be able to deal with all the troubles and heartache that is involved in living life.

          Of course I have gray hair. Of course it is getting grayer. There are more worries, there are more things that feel beyond my control.  There are more times that I worry about the direction of my life and whether  this is the right path. No we don’t necessarily have our hips pulled out of joint when we wake up in the middle of the night with this existential angst. However we do have the emotional scars of such moments. Our souls struggle and are sometimes scarred because of those moments when we question our purpose in life. It probably causes wrinkles and definitely causes gray hair. However those struggles are necessary because it leads us to moments of clarity, and we understand that our lives do have purpose, and our families will be OK and everything will be all right.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Wait Until That Deal Come Round (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Deal")

During another stressful weekday night when parents battled children to do their homework, our son took a unique approach in expressing his frustration.  After finishing one assignment and stating he was finished and now wanted to watch television, mommy checked his assignment sheet. Realizing that that our son still had homework, she now was the harbinger of bad news and told him to do his homework.  Like a typical 8 year old boy already engrossed in a video game, he ignored his mother.  Now it was my turn. I marched downstairs and expressed my frustration with his behavior.  Now our son was not only upset that he was still not finished with his homework, but now he was mad at me and began telling me as much. Then he made the most fascinating statement in the throes of his fit. With his voice rising, he looked at me and said, “If you make me do this, I won’t let you be my Abba anymore!”  I was about to interrupt his statement and really yell at him but I stopped, let him finish saying it, and then I thought about what he said for a second.  I thought of this week’s Parsha, Parsha Vayeitze.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha Va’Yetzei. Fearing for his life, Yaakov flees his brother who has vowed to kill him after Yaakov “stole” Esav’s birthright. He heads towards Rivka’s brother’s home – Uncle Lavan. There Yaakov begins a new phase of life. Yaakov enters adulthood and family life. He marries Lavan’s daughters Leah and Rachel. He has children, and he deals with all the headaches and all the ups and downs of family life. Yaakov then realizes that it is time for him to return to his ancestral home with his wives and children.

Yaakov hinted that he had every intention of returning to his ancestral home during his first night away from home and heading towards Lavan. As he falls into a deep sleep, he dreams of ladder and the angels (Gen. 28:12). God stands next to him and tells Yaakov the Covenant that will now be passed down to him. By re-iterating the covenant with him, Yaakov not only inherits a pre-existing Covenant but also becomes an active participant in the Covenant. God tells Yaakov “Hinei Anochi Imach Ushmarticha b’chol Asher Teilech, Behold I am with you and I will guard you wherever you go…” (28:15). So, in a dream, Yaakov sees God and receives the covenant that God had made with Yaakov’s grandfather, Avraham, and his father Yitzchok.

Yet the dream wasn’t good enough. Perhaps God’s covenant wasn’t good enough. Or maybe, Yaakov had to feel as if he was the one dictating terms to God.  Ironically, Yaakov has absolutely nothing except the clothes on his back and his ancestry. So Yaakov offers a deal with God. However, compared to what God offered Yaakov, Yaakov demands are much simpler and it seems that his offer is rather pedestrian. Im Yiheyeh Elohim Imadi Ushmarani Baderech Hazeh Asher Anochi Holech v’Natan Li Lechem L’echol Uveged Lilbosh, vShavti b’Shalom el Bet Avi v’Hayah Hashem Li Le’lohim.  If God will be with me and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and clothes to wear, so that I come back to my father’s house in peace, then shall the Lord be my God.  In a rather crass manner, Yaakov merely asks for the physical necessities, food and clothing. He doesn’t need the promise of land, nor does he need the promise of future descendants. Yaakov offers to demonstrate that he will be a willing participant in a relationship with God by offering a tenth of whatever he acquires and accumulates. Yaakov is asking God to be permitted to participate in the relationship. Only when he is permitted to participate will God become Yaakov’s God as well as the God of his ancestors.  Yaakov's “unseemly negotiation” teaches us that while it is very nice to receive a promise, a gift, or part of tradition, if we are not actively involved in that promise, using that gift or participating in that tradition, then returning becomes much more difficult.

After I thought about Yaakov’s negotiation, I thought about the best possible answer for my son’s fascinating statement. I could ignore the statement. However that wouldn’t be any fun. Then I figured that if he won’t let me be his Abba then I don’t have to have these types of aggravating moments anymore.  Then I thought that the choice to be his Abba or not should really be mine. A split second later I gave him my answer in a very quiet stern voice. I told him to come near me, then I told him “I will always be your Abba, whether you like it or not. If you need me to help you with your homework, I will. If you can do your homework without my help, then that is terrific. However, you will eventually do your homework. How you do it and when you do will be up to you.” He took a deep breath. Grabbed a cup of water, drank and then asked if I could help him with his homework. I helped him and he finished without any more aggravation.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

If You Go, No One May Follow (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Ripple")

Every so often, my children ask me about my work. If something extraordinary happens, I will share it with them. A few days ago during dinner, our son asked me about work. Normally I don’t bring work home. I am very good about compartmentalizing things.  However this time I answered. “Over the course of 1 day last week, I did two funerals and I am drained. One funeral was for a woman who passed away at 47 years old. She was my age. Diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and within three months she was dead. She was unable to have any children. She was married. Her husband, her three brothers and her 86 year old mother mourned her and buried her.  A few hours later, I did a funeral for woman who died at age 100. She smoked, she drank, she gambled and loved going to Vegas. She was mourned and buried by her children, grandchildren, and 11 great grandchildren. A few days before I did a funeral for a 20 year old girl who contracted some type of blood virus and died within 4 months.  So work has been hard lately. Three women, 20, 47 and 100 years of age died and it seems that there is neither rhyme nor reason as to who gets to live a long time and who gets to live a short time. Sometimes life just seems so random.” I stopped rambling and my son asked one question. “What does random mean?” I explained that random means that sometimes things seem to happen by chance and that there are no guarantees! There is no guarantee about anything!” As I am speaking to our son and our daughters are now listening, I had one of those moments when I am listening to my father speak about this exact same thing. I can’t recall the number of times my father talked to me about the apparent randomness of life. I can’t recall the number of times he would remind us that because seem so random, it is human nature to be wary of the future and the unknown.  Whether it was jobs, relationships, quality of life or length of life, sometimes life just seemed to happen without any rhyme or reason. This sense of randomness was most evident in the context of raising children. So there I was having this outer body experience, discussing ‘randomness with my children” and pointing out how different our four children are even though they come from the same parents and were raised in the same house. “There are no guarantees” my father would say and reminds me even today. How many times have we heard of children raised by warm, competent, jewishly  committed parents, marry non-Jews. Intermarriage occurs in all communities and it touches many families. Short of making a life in the most secluded, isolated, extremely Right Wing Orthodoxy Chareidi communities; we have no guarantee of our children’s future.  The best we can do is minimize risk and improve the odds. How many times have we seen siblings raised in the same home, by the same parents, and in the same home and wonder how they are related? Even with the best education, the most stable home life, the most emotionally supportive environment, and the warmest and most meaningful Jewish life, the risk of our children inter-marrying and or leaving Judaism still exists and always will!

Parshah Toldot tells the story of Yaakov and Esav’s birth. We are told that Rivkah was barren, and Yitzchak prayed to God on her behalf. God told Rivkah that she would have twins who will father two nations. The younger son will rule over the older son. We read about the physical differences between Yaakov and Esav. We read that Esav was perhaps manipulated into giving up his birthright. We learn that Yaakov disguised himself as Esav, at his mother’s request, in order to gain his father’s blessing. The Parshah concludes with Yaakov fleeing his home in order to save his life. There are no guarantees. Two boys grew up in the same home with the same parents and must have been instilled with the same values. So did Rivkah and Yitzchak minimize the risks in order to ensure the best possible outcome for their children’s future? What can we, as parents, do to minimize our children’s risks in order to give them the best possible future? First of all we need to decide what kind of future we want for our kids. What is really important, what is not? While our children grow up, we make decisions based upon the messages we want to give and the future we want them to have. Yitzchak and Rivkah did that. The Midrash attempts to explain the tension that every parent faces: nature vs. nurture.  Va’Yigdalu HaN’Arim, “And the boys grew up.” (Gen25: 27) R’ Levi said: At first they were like a myrtle and a wild rose growing side by side. But when they grew up the former yielded to its natural fragrance, and the latter its thorns. So, for the first thirteen years, both Yaakov and Esav went to school and came home from school. But at the end of thirteen years, one went to houses of study and the other to shrines of idolatry.” (Genesis Rabbah 63:10) The Midrash penetrates the secret of parenting. It understands the tension between nature and nurture.

As parents, we are obligated to do everything we can to nurture our children. How do we do this jewishly? We teach them. We teach them how to make Shabbat. We share Jewish experiences with them. We share Shabbat with them. We create an environment that permits them to establish warm, positive Jewish memories.  We make Shabbat in our homes. We make our home more observant. We make Shabbat as traditional. We send them to Jewish Day Schools. We send them to Jewish summer camps.. We encourage them to join Jewish youth groups. We make warmth, fun, friendships, healthy family relationships, and lifestyle synonymous with Judaism. Does this guarantee that our children and our grandchildren will happily and seriously use the inheritance of Covenant that was left to us? Shabbat doesn’t guarantee this, nor for that matter does anything else; there are no guarantees. We can only do as much as possible, then they go off to college, and make a life for themselves. We pray that their nature permit them to accept and use their Jewish knowledge, and relish in the warmth of Judaism. We pray that they choose to live a meaningful, observant menschlikite life.  We pray that they go towards the houses of study and stay away from the shrines of idolatry. Eventually however, they will choose their own path. Some part of that choice will be by design and some part of that choice will seem random.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Test Me, Test Me, Test Me; Why Don't You Arrest Me (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Bertha")

It isn’t often that I talk about politics in this blog. However, in the land of my origin, the United States, a President has just been elected. I am not too terribly concerned about the end result of a campaign that lasted nearly two years culminating on Election Day Tuesday. What I have found so inspiring was watching the long lines in Florida, Ohio and numerous other states as citizens exercise their constitutional right to vote. There is something sacred about casting a ballot. There is something sacred about going into a voting booth, reading the ballots and the various motions that require voting. Our eldest daughter has been working on one of the presidential campaigns. Our younger children have watched the news with me, they know who the candidates are, they understand the importance of 270 electoral votes, they understand what happens if there is a tie. They appreciate that there is a solemn responsibility in choosing the most powerful person in the free world. They understand that the entire world watches when America choose a President. China watches, Israel watches, Iran watches, Europe watches and here in Toronto, Canadians watch as well. While the world watches who America chooses, what I find so fascinating is the calculus that people go through when choosing a President. That calculus may involve issues of taxes, issues of jobs, Israel, choosing a Supreme Court Justice, or the candidates’ ability to empathize with the plight of the voters,  evaluating their character or trusting the candidates’ at their word. Some of these criteria and questions may weigh more or less heavily than others. Some of these criteria can be more accurately gauged than others. Sometimes, after all the thinking and figuring, we still don’t really know about their leadership ability in times of crisis until the leader faces a crises. Yet for a few sacred moments, while inside the booth, we devise a “test” that allows us to feel as if we are making the best possible choice for ourselves. Of course the “test” will vary from person to person.

            This week's Parsha is Chayei Sarah. The Parsha begins with the recounting the years of Sarah's life, Avraham's mourning for his wife, purchasing the land for Sarah's burial and then burying her. Avraham then tells his servant that he does not want his son, Yitzchak, marrying a Canaanite woman. Instead, the servant must return to Avraham's hometown and look for a woman from Avraham's family/ tribe. The servant wants to know how to determine the appropriate girl for his master's son. Avraham answers that the girl that returns with the servant is the right girl. Armed with treasures, camels and plenty of wealth for a dowry the servant sets off and decides that the best place to find a girl is by the local well. There the servant decides that the "right" girl is the girl who would offer him water, as well as offer water to his camels. Sure enough, Rebecca arrives at the well and fulfills the servant's standard. The servant returns with Rebecca to her family, convinces the family to let her go, and Rebecca is asked if she wants to return with the servant. Rebecca unhesitatingly responds with a yes. Now Rebecca has fulfilled the servant's requirement as well as Avraham's requirement. Upon her arrival at her new home, she sees her betrothed, and, not knowing who he was, asked the servant. The servant told her and she covered herself. Rebecca and Yitzchak are married. The Parsha concludes with Yitzchak and Ishmael burying their father, and the genealogy of Ishmael's family.

            The story of the Yitzchak and Rebecca's courtship is one of the more unique stories in Torah. Three times we read of the servant’s test or criteria for determining a wife for his master’s son. The first mention occurs when the servant prays to God that a girl offers water to him and his camels. Vayomer Adonai Elohei Adoni Avraham Hakrei Nah Lfanai Hayom V'Asei Chesed Im Adoni Avraham - And he said, " Lord, God of my master Avraham, may you so arrange it for me this day that you do kindness with my master Abraham, See, I stand here by the spring of water and the daughters of the townsmen come out to draw. Let it be that the maiden to whom I shall say 'Please tip over your jug so I may drink', and who replies, 'Drink, and I will even water your camels,'…. (Gen 24:12-14) The second telling of this story is when it actually occurs. (Gen 24:15-21) The third telling of the story occurs when the servant tells it for the first time to Rebecca's family (Gen.24:42-46). These events must be significant if Torah tells us the events in three different contexts, all of which are in the same chapter. 

            The servants criteria are quite eye opening. A woman that shows a lowly servant kindness, and shows his animals kindness is the right type of person for his master’s son. The Servant doesn’t worry about looks, family of origin, success in school or any else. Just one simple of Gemilut Chasadim, of loving Kindness is the sole criteria for choosing a mate. Torah is teaching us one vital thing. If the person engages in Gemilut Chasadim (Acts of Loving Kindness) to her mate, then that behavior will be taught as the standard behavior within that house. If  Gemilut Chasadim (Acts of Loving Kindness is the standard behavior within the house then everything that this house, this family touches will be affected for the good, and the world becomes just a little better than it was before. We all have standards and requirements that allow us to make judgments. We should never allow superficiality to be the basis for those judgments. God does not judge us in such a fashion. Nor should we judge others in a superficial fashion. Love at first sight does exist. However it is love at first sight of one's behavior. We judge others on what they do not what they say. Rebecca's was judged on her actions, not upon her feelings. When we talk with our children and grandchildren about love and dating, pass along the standards of Avraham's servant.

Peace,

Rav Yitz