During another stressful weekday
night when parents battled children to do their homework, our son took a unique
approach in expressing his frustration. After
finishing one assignment and stating he was finished and now wanted to watch
television, mommy checked his assignment sheet. Realizing that that our son
still had homework, she now was the harbinger of bad news and told him to do
his homework. Like a typical 8 year old
boy already engrossed in a video game, he ignored his mother. Now it was my turn. I marched downstairs and
expressed my frustration with his behavior.
Now our son was not only upset that he was still not finished with his
homework, but now he was mad at me and began telling me as much. Then he made
the most fascinating statement in the throes of his fit. With his voice rising,
he looked at me and said, “If you make me do this, I won’t let you be my Abba
anymore!” I was about to interrupt his
statement and really yell at him but I stopped, let him finish saying it, and
then I thought about what he said for a second. I thought of this week’s Parsha, Parsha
Vayeitze.
This Shabbat we read from Parsha
Va’Yetzei. Fearing for his life, Yaakov flees his brother who has vowed to kill
him after Yaakov “stole” Esav’s birthright. He heads towards Rivka’s brother’s
home – Uncle Lavan. There Yaakov begins a new phase of life. Yaakov enters
adulthood and family life. He marries Lavan’s daughters Leah and Rachel. He has
children, and he deals with all the headaches and all the ups and downs of
family life. Yaakov then realizes that it is time for him to return to his ancestral
home with his wives and children.
Yaakov hinted that he had every intention of
returning to his ancestral home during his first night away from home and heading
towards Lavan. As
he falls into a deep sleep, he dreams of ladder and the angels (Gen. 28:12).
God stands next to him and tells Yaakov the Covenant that will now be passed down
to him. By re-iterating the covenant with him, Yaakov not only inherits a
pre-existing Covenant but also becomes an active participant in the Covenant.
God tells Yaakov “Hinei Anochi Imach
Ushmarticha b’chol Asher Teilech, Behold
I am with you and I will guard you wherever you go…” (28:15). So, in a dream, Yaakov sees God
and receives the covenant that God had made with Yaakov’s grandfather, Avraham,
and his father Yitzchok.
Yet the dream wasn’t good enough. Perhaps God’s
covenant wasn’t good enough. Or maybe, Yaakov had to feel as if he was the one
dictating terms to God. Ironically,
Yaakov has absolutely nothing except the clothes on his back and his ancestry.
So Yaakov offers a deal with God. However, compared to what God offered Yaakov,
Yaakov demands are much simpler and it seems that his offer is rather
pedestrian.
Im Yiheyeh Elohim Imadi Ushmarani
Baderech Hazeh Asher Anochi Holech v’Natan Li Lechem L’echol Uveged Lilbosh,
vShavti b’Shalom el Bet Avi v’Hayah Hashem Li Le’lohim. If God will be
with me and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat,
and clothes to wear, so that I come back to my father’s house in peace, then shall the Lord be my God.
In a rather crass manner, Yaakov merely asks
for the physical necessities, food and clothing. He doesn’t need the promise of
land, nor does he need the promise of future descendants. Yaakov offers to demonstrate
that he will be a willing participant in a relationship with God by offering a
tenth of whatever he acquires and accumulates. Yaakov is asking God to be
permitted to participate in the relationship. Only when he is permitted to
participate will God become Yaakov’s God as well as the God of his ancestors. Yaakov's “unseemly negotiation” teaches us
that while it is very nice to receive a promise, a gift, or part of tradition,
if we are not actively involved in that promise, using that gift or
participating in that tradition, then returning becomes much more difficult.
After I thought about Yaakov’s negotiation, I
thought about the best possible answer for my son’s fascinating statement. I
could ignore the statement. However that wouldn’t be any fun. Then I figured
that if he won’t let me be his Abba then I don’t have to have these types of
aggravating moments anymore. Then I
thought that the choice to be his Abba or not should really be mine. A split
second later I gave him my answer in a very quiet stern voice. I told him to
come near me, then I told him “I will always be your Abba, whether you like it
or not. If you need me to help you with your homework, I will. If you can do
your homework without my help, then that is terrific. However, you will
eventually do your homework. How you do it and when you do will be up to you.”
He took a deep breath. Grabbed a cup of water, drank and then asked if I could
help him with his homework. I helped him and he finished without any more
aggravation.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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