Monday, November 12, 2012

If You Go, No One May Follow (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Ripple")



Every so often, my children ask me about my work. If something extraordinary happens, I will share it with them. A few days ago during dinner, our son asked me about work. Normally I don’t bring work home. I am very good about compartmentalizing things.  However this time I answered. “Over the course of 1 day last week, I did two funerals and I am drained. One funeral was for a woman who passed away at 47 years old. She was my age. Diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and within three months she was dead. She was unable to have any children. She was married. Her husband, her three brothers and her 86 year old mother mourned her and buried her.  A few hours later, I did a funeral for woman who died at age 100. She smoked, she drank, she gambled and loved going to Vegas. She was mourned and buried by her children, grandchildren, and 11 great grandchildren. A few days before I did a funeral for a 20 year old girl who contracted some type of blood virus and died within 4 months.  So work has been hard lately. Three women, 20, 47 and 100 years of age died and it seems that there is neither rhyme nor reason as to who gets to live a long time and who gets to live a short time. Sometimes life just seems so random.” I stopped rambling and my son asked one question. “What does random mean?” I explained that random means that sometimes things seem to happen by chance and that there are no guarantees! There is no guarantee about anything!” As I am speaking to our son and our daughters are now listening, I had one of those moments when I am listening to my father speak about this exact same thing. I can’t recall the number of times my father talked to me about the apparent randomness of life. I can’t recall the number of times he would remind us that because seem so random, it is human nature to be wary of the future and the unknown.  Whether it was jobs, relationships, quality of life or length of life, sometimes life just seemed to happen without any rhyme or reason. This sense of randomness was most evident in the context of raising children. So there I was having this outer body experience, discussing ‘randomness with my children” and pointing out how different our four children are even though they come from the same parents and were raised in the same house. “There are no guarantees” my father would say and reminds me even today. How many times have we heard of children raised by warm, competent, jewishly  committed parents, marry non-Jews. Intermarriage occurs in all communities and it touches many families. Short of making a life in the most secluded, isolated, extremely Right Wing Orthodoxy Chareidi communities; we have no guarantee of our children’s future.  The best we can do is minimize risk and improve the odds. How many times have we seen siblings raised in the same home, by the same parents, and in the same home and wonder how they are related? Even with the best education, the most stable home life, the most emotionally supportive environment, and the warmest and most meaningful Jewish life, the risk of our children inter-marrying and or leaving Judaism still exists and always will!
Parshah Toldot tells the story of Yaakov and Esav’s birth. We are told that Rivkah was barren, and Yitzchak prayed to God on her behalf. God told Rivkah that she would have twins who will father two nations. The younger son will rule over the older son. We read about the physical differences between Yaakov and Esav. We read that Esav was perhaps manipulated into giving up his birthright. We learn that Yaakov disguised himself as Esav, at his mother’s request, in order to gain his father’s blessing. The Parshah concludes with Yaakov fleeing his home in order to save his life. There are no guarantees. Two boys grew up in the same home with the same parents and must have been instilled with the same values. So did Rivkah and Yitzchak minimize the risks in order to ensure the best possible outcome for their children’s future? What can we, as parents, do to minimize our children’s risks in order to give them the best possible future? First of all we need to decide what kind of future we want for our kids. What is really important, what is not? While our children grow up, we make decisions based upon the messages we want to give and the future we want them to have. Yitzchak and Rivkah did that. The Midrash attempts to explain the tension that every parent faces: nature vs. nurture.  Va’Yigdalu HaN’Arim, “And the boys grew up.” (Gen25: 27) R’ Levi said: At first they were like a myrtle and a wild rose growing side by side. But when they grew up the former yielded to its natural fragrance, and the latter its thorns. So, for the first thirteen years, both Yaakov and Esav went to school and came home from school. But at the end of thirteen years, one went to houses of study and the other to shrines of idolatry.” (Genesis Rabbah 63:10) The Midrash penetrates the secret of parenting. It understands the tension between nature and nurture.
As parents, we are obligated to do everything we can to nurture our children. How do we do this jewishly? We teach them. We teach them how to make Shabbat. We share Jewish experiences with them. We share Shabbat with them. We create an environment that permits them to establish warm, positive Jewish memories.  We make Shabbat in our homes. We make our home more observant. We make Shabbat as traditional. We send them to Jewish Day Schools. We send them to Jewish summer camps.. We encourage them to join Jewish youth groups. We make warmth, fun, friendships, healthy family relationships, and lifestyle synonymous with Judaism. Does this guarantee that our children and our grandchildren will happily and seriously use the inheritance of Covenant that was left to us? Shabbat doesn’t guarantee this, nor for that matter does anything else; there are no guarantees. We can only do as much as possible, then they go off to college, and make a life for themselves. We pray that their nature permit them to accept and use their Jewish knowledge, and relish in the warmth of Judaism. We pray that they choose to live a meaningful, observant menschlikite life.  We pray that they go towards the houses of study and stay away from the shrines of idolatry. Eventually however, they will choose their own path. Some part of that choice will be by design and some part of that choice will seem random.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

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