Every
so often, my children ask me about my work. If something extraordinary happens,
I will share it with them. A few days ago during dinner, our son asked me about
work. Normally I don’t bring work home. I am very good about compartmentalizing
things. However this time I answered. “Over
the course of 1 day last week, I did two funerals and I am drained. One funeral
was for a woman who passed away at 47 years old. She was my age. Diagnosed with
pancreatic cancer and within three months she was dead. She was unable to have
any children. She was married. Her husband, her three brothers and her 86 year
old mother mourned her and buried her. A
few hours later, I did a funeral for woman who died at age 100. She smoked, she
drank, she gambled and loved going to Vegas. She was mourned and buried by her
children, grandchildren, and 11 great grandchildren. A few days before I did a funeral
for a 20 year old girl who contracted some type of blood virus and died within
4 months. So work has been hard lately. Three
women, 20, 47 and 100 years of age died and it seems that there is neither
rhyme nor reason as to who gets to live a long time and who gets to live a
short time. Sometimes life just seems so random.” I stopped rambling and my son
asked one question. “What does random mean?” I explained that random means that
sometimes things seem to happen by chance and that there are no guarantees!
There is no guarantee about anything!” As I am speaking to our son and our
daughters are now listening, I had one of those moments when I am listening to
my father speak about this exact same thing. I can’t recall the number of times
my father talked to me about the apparent randomness of life. I can’t recall
the number of times he would remind us that because seem so random, it is human
nature to be wary of the future and the unknown. Whether it was jobs, relationships, quality
of life or length of life, sometimes life just seemed to happen without any
rhyme or reason. This sense of randomness was most evident in the context of
raising children. So there I was having this outer body experience, discussing
‘randomness with my children” and pointing out how different our four children
are even though they come from the same parents and were raised in the same
house. “There are no guarantees” my father would say and reminds me even today.
How many times have we heard of children raised by warm, competent, jewishly
committed parents, marry non-Jews. Intermarriage occurs in all communities and
it touches many families. Short of making a life in the most secluded, isolated,
extremely Right Wing Orthodoxy Chareidi communities; we have no guarantee of
our children’s future. The best we can
do is minimize risk and improve the odds. How many times have we seen siblings
raised in the same home, by the same parents, and in the same home and wonder
how they are related? Even with the best education, the most stable home life,
the most emotionally supportive environment, and the warmest and most
meaningful Jewish life, the risk of our children inter-marrying and or leaving
Judaism still exists and always will!
Parshah
Toldot tells the story of Yaakov and Esav’s birth. We are told that Rivkah was
barren, and Yitzchak prayed to God on her behalf. God told Rivkah that she
would have twins who will father two nations. The younger son will rule over
the older son. We read about the physical differences between Yaakov and Esav.
We read that Esav was perhaps manipulated into giving up his birthright. We
learn that Yaakov disguised himself as Esav, at his mother’s request, in order
to gain his father’s blessing. The Parshah concludes with Yaakov fleeing his
home in order to save his life. There are no guarantees. Two boys grew up in
the same home with the same parents and must have been instilled with the same
values. So did Rivkah and Yitzchak minimize the risks in order to ensure the
best possible outcome for their children’s future? What can we, as parents, do
to minimize our children’s risks in order to give them the best possible
future? First of all we need to decide what kind of future we want for our
kids. What is really important, what is not? While our children grow up, we
make decisions based upon the messages we want to give and the future we want
them to have. Yitzchak and Rivkah did that. The Midrash attempts to explain the
tension that every parent faces: nature vs. nurture. Va’Yigdalu
HaN’Arim, “And the boys grew up.” (Gen25:
27) R’ Levi said: At first they were like
a myrtle and a wild rose growing side by side. But when they grew up the former
yielded to its natural fragrance, and the latter its thorns. So, for the first
thirteen years, both Yaakov and Esav went to school and came home from school.
But at the end of thirteen years, one went to houses of study and the other to
shrines of idolatry.” (Genesis Rabbah 63:10) The Midrash penetrates the
secret of parenting. It understands the tension between nature and nurture.
As parents, we are obligated to do everything we can
to nurture our children. How do we do this jewishly? We teach them. We teach
them how to make Shabbat. We share Jewish experiences with them. We share
Shabbat with them. We create an environment that permits them to establish
warm, positive Jewish memories. We make
Shabbat in our homes. We make our home more observant. We make Shabbat as
traditional. We send them to Jewish Day Schools. We send them to Jewish summer
camps.. We encourage them to join Jewish youth groups. We make warmth, fun,
friendships, healthy family relationships, and lifestyle synonymous with
Judaism. Does this guarantee that our children and our grandchildren will
happily and seriously use the inheritance of Covenant that was left to us?
Shabbat doesn’t guarantee this, nor for that matter does anything else; there
are no guarantees. We can only do as much as possible, then they go off to
college, and make a life for themselves. We pray that their nature permit them
to accept and use their Jewish knowledge, and relish in the warmth of Judaism.
We pray that they choose to live a meaningful, observant menschlikite
life. We pray that they go towards the
houses of study and stay away from the shrines of idolatry. Eventually however,
they will choose their own path. Some part of that choice will be by design and
some part of that choice will seem random.
Peace,
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