Our eldest daughter is home visiting for a few weeks. The
last time we saw her was this past August.
When she arrived home and was sitting with her sisters and brother, she
commented on how gray my hair had become
over the past 3 ½ months. Her siblings agreed explaining that the graying was
occurring at a quicker rate. While everyone had a nice little chuckle at my
expense, our eldest daughter looked up and asked if I have been worrying more
than usual. “Well there are the usual
things that I always worry about, life's regular stresses: raising kids, a
newly bought home, a bat mitzvah, work and marriage.” Then I explained that
there are all the other things that cause me to wake up in the middle of the
night in a worried, anxious sweat. “You know, the big existential anxiety
ridden things that cause one to have sleepless nights, life, death, the quality of life and the
quality of death, what am I doing with
my life, how am I going to pay for day school, college and weddings, you know
the stuff that a middle age person wrestles with.” Then I tried to cheer her up
by telling her that she is twenty five years from having to deal with this
stuff. Make no mistake about it, we all go through a period of time where we
struggle with the existential angst of life, and for some reason it occurs late
at night while everyone else sleeps soundly.
This Shabbat we read from Parsha Vayishlach. Yaakov and his
family prepare to return to Yaakov’s home. However they will first need to deal
with an almost twenty year grudge held by Esav. Yaakov will hope for the best
and prepare for the worst as he prepares to meet his brother. After their short reunion, Yaakov makes his
way back to his ancestral lands. His mother passes away. He is blessed with
another son, Benjamin, born to his wife Rachel. However she dies in childbirth.
His daughter, Dinah, has an illicit relationship with a prince of Shechem.
According to the text, she is rendered “impure” and her brothers wipe out the
prince and his village. Yaakov’s name is changed to Yisroel. God blessed Yaakov
within the context of the covenant made
with Avraham and Yitzchok. Yaakov’s blessing includes, children, land and
wealth, all of the things that God promised to Yaakov’s grandfather – Avraham.
The Parsha concludes Yaakov and Esav seeing each other one last time in order
to bury their father Yitzchok, and then we read the final psukim: a list of
Esav’s descendants down to grandchildren.
The parsha is replete with dramatic moments. However the
brief narrative about Yaakov’s night prior to his first meeting with Esav,
offers us a life changing moment in Yaakov’s life. VaYivater
Yaakov L’Vado, VaYei’avek Ish Imo Ad A lot HaShachar – Jacob was left alone and a many wrestled with him until the break of
dawn. VaYar Ki Lo Yachol Lo VYiga B’Chaf Yereicho VaTeikah Kaf Yerech
Yaakov B’Hei’Avko Imo – When he perceive that he could not overcome
him, he struck the socket of his hip; so Jacob’s hip socket was dislocated as
he wrestled with him. VaYomer Shalcheini Ki Alah Hashachar
Vayomer Lo Ashaleichecha Ki Im Beiractani – Then he said, “Let me go, for dawn has broken. “ And he said, “I will
not let you go unless you bless me.” Vayomer
Eilav Mah Shemecha VaYomer Yaakov – and
he said to him, “what is your name” and he said “Jacob”. Vayomer Lo Yaakov Yei’Amar Od Shimcha Ki Im Yisroel Ki Sarita Im Elohim V’Im
Anashim Vatuchal – He said, “No
longer will it be said that your name is Jacob, but Israel, for you fought with
the Divine and with man and have overcome.” ( Gen 32:25-29) So if Yaakov
was left alone, with whom did he wrestle?
The Torah tells us he wrestled with
a man, however by the end of this brief narrative, Yaakov is asking the
man(?) to bless him. The M’forshim also
struggle with this brief narrative.
Rashi reminds us of how our sages explained who this “man” was. According
to our sages Sh’Hu Saro Shel Eisav – that it
was the guardian angel of Esav. Chizkuni – the 13th century French
commentator succinctly states Malach B’Damut
Ish – an angel in the form of a man. Radak,
Rabbi David Kimchi – a late 12/early 13th century French commentator
is even more explicit. He offers a one word explanation as to the “man’s”
identity – Melach – an angel. Some
say it was the guardian angel of Esav and some say it was an Angel sent to
restate God’s promise to Yaakov.
However a more modern and
psychologically aware understanding seems that the “man” is Yaakov. Yaakov is
struggling with himself. The language of the wrestling match only uses the Hebrew
word “Hu” – in English "he". He said, he held on, he didn’t let go,
he blessed him, he wrestled with him. Yaakov’s name is only mentioned when his
hip is pulled out of joint, when he states his name and when the other being
renames Yaakov. The actual “play by play” deliberately uses the third person
singular pronoun as opposed to proper nouns. Yaakov’s whole life has been a
struggle… first with Esav, God, and then
Lavan. Before his impending struggle with Esav, Yaakov needs to know who
exactly Yaakov is and who he clings to – which aspect of himself does he cling
to? The godly aspect within him? The Esav within him? The reality is, Yaakov
must decide who he is and what that means as he returns to his ancestral home
and receives the covenant. It will leave
a mark for sure, however during his sleepless night, during his “mid life
crisis” and his “moment of clarity”; Yaakov will finally be a complete
spiritual person with a full acceptance of his relationship to God and a sense
of purpose in his life. This does not mean his life will be easier. It just
means that Yaakov, with this renewed sense of purpose and identity will be able
to deal with all the troubles and heartache that is involved in living life.
Of course I have gray hair. Of course
it is getting grayer. There are more worries, there are more things that feel
beyond my control. There are more times
that I worry about the direction of my life and whether this is the right path. No we don’t
necessarily have our hips pulled out of joint when we wake up in the middle of
the night with this existential angst. However we do have the emotional scars
of such moments. Our souls struggle and are sometimes scarred because of those
moments when we question our purpose in life. It probably causes wrinkles and
definitely causes gray hair. However those struggles are necessary because it
leads us to moments of clarity, and we understand that our lives do have
purpose, and our families will be OK and everything will be all right.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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