And The Old Man Never Was The Same Again ( Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia "Brown Eyed Women")

As we are on holiday, driving from Toronto to the New York metropolitan area, we always make a series of stops. We stop in Rochester to visit grandparents and a 96 year old great grandfather. We stop in New Jersey in order to visit friends. We go into the New York to visit with a sister her husband and their daughter, back to New Jersey for to visit other friends and finally a back to Rochester and then onto Toronto.  While we have just arrived in New Jersey during a snow storm, we just experienced a rather difficult moment with my 96 year old grandfather who is suffering from dementia. We arrived at the Jewish Home and went to his room. I gently woke him and I identified myself using my name and how I was related to him. Then once he was awake and lucid I brought my wife and three children into his room. He looked at my wife, he looked at me straining to recognize us; trying to figure out we were and how we are connected to him. Then he looked at our children and said “tell me who you are and how you are related to me”.  Each child dutifully stated their name and then told him that “I am your great grandchild”. My wife introduced herself and then I told him who I was and then added that “I have been your grandson for nearly 50 years.” For the next 20 minutes, we made some chit chat with my grandfather and continued re-introducing ourselves to him. No there was no light switch that went on; no clear connection was ever made

This week we read from Parsha VaYechi.  Yaakov Avinu feels that death is imminent. He feels compelled to bless Yosef’s sons. Then he asks Yosef to promise him that he, Yaakov will be buried back in Hevron with his mother, father, grandfather and grandmother. Then Yaakov calls in his son’s and begins blessing each son. He tells them what he had been told by Hashem. He shares with them the impending slavery, the ultimate redemption and the return to their covenantal land. Yaakov passed away. True to his word, Yosef arranged to have his father buried in Hebron. With help from his brothers, Yosef and his brothers brought Yaakov back to Hevron, bury him and return to Egypt. The Parsha concludes with the brothers and Yosef dying but not until we are told that Yosef managed to see his great grandchildren.

Certainly the passing of generations can certainly be construed as a sad, and in this Parsha there is not only the death of Yaakov but also the passing of the next generation, Yosef and his son’s. However there is something quite comforting in the fact that in this final parsha of Breishit, we see the first interaction between grandparents and grandchildren. It is the first time that we read about a great grandfather look out onto his great grandchildren and enjoying the satisfaction that comes with knowing that they have created and left a legacy. So when Yaakov tells Yosef: V’Atah Shnei Vanecha HaNoladim Lecha B’Aretz Mitzrayim Ad Bo’I Eilecha Mitzraymah Li Heim Efrayim U’Menashe K’Reuvein V’Shimon Yeheyu Li – And now your two sons, who were born to you in the land of Egypt before I came to you to Egypt, are mine. Efrayim and Menashe like Reuven, and Shimon shall be mine (Gen. 48:5). Clearly Yaakov knows who Yosef’s sons are. Not only that, but Yaakov readily acknowledges that he will now consider these grandchildren as his sons.  Three psukim later we learn VaYar Yisroel et Bnai Yosef Va’Yoemer Mi Eilah- Israel saw Yosef’s sons, and said ‘who are these’?  (Gen. 48-8) So what happened? Yaakov knew who Yosef’s sons were but the same man; three verses later forgot who Yosef’s sons were? Is this the first case of dementia or Alzheimer’s in the Torah? Why does Yaakov know who Yosef’s sons are but the Israel version of Yaakov doesn’t know who Yosef’s sons are? The Midrash explains that when the boys approached their dying grandfather, he wasn’t looking only at them but looking past them. He was looking into the future, past slavery in Egypt, past the return to Eretz Canaan, and to the era of Kings. Israel saw the kings of the future that came from Efrayim and Menashe and the continued deterioration of the covenant that God made with Yaakov.

Yaakov spent his life always clinging, clinging to Esav, clinging to Lavan, clinging to an angel/man during a wrestling match, cling to God, and now in his final moments, Yaakov views thinks that his life will live on in his son’s and his grandsons. Yaakov sees in his grandsons and opportunity for a brief second chance as a father. Israel doesn’t cling and grasp onto things. Israel wrestles with God and was victorious. Israel is decisive, Israel has a singular objective: insure the future of the covenant. With his grandchildren and great children about to begin their descent into slavery and his knowledge that there will be numerous times when later generations will violate the covenant, Israel hesitates to give his blessing. Israel switches his hands; Israel shows favoritism towards the grandsons. However this is not favoritism based on loving one more than the other. This is a favoritism based upon the cold stark truth of which child is best suited for insuring the survival of Israel’s values and ethical code.

When it was time to leave my grandfather, he looked at me and said “you have a beautiful family.” I leaned over to him and said “they are your family”. There was another blank look and then said, “well, if you say so.”  We said good bye and I told him “I say so.” That was probably the closest thing to a blessing that I will ever hear from him again.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

What's Become Of The Baby This Cold December Morning ( Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "What's Become of the Baby")

Our children have been asking a lot of questions this week. These haven’t been the normal types of questions that kids ask. This have been the types of questions that one asks when thing appear random, senseless and tragic. Our children have come to accept that sad things happen. A child dies because of sickness, or because of car accident or even in some very unsafe places where children are exposed to the ravages of war. We talk about these things and we acknowledge that sad things happen yet despite that our children know that there are some places that provide sanctuary and safety. Now we answer questions like “why would a 23 year old want to kill a bunch of first graders in Connecticut?” “How did this person get so many guns?” “How can such a thing happen to little kids in school?” Needless to say, this was not what I had in mind when I signed up to be a parent of 4 over twenty two years ago. Yet now, our kids, like so many, are asking very difficult questions for which there are no simple or particularly acceptable answers.

This week’s Torah portion is VaYigash.  The confrontation between Yosef and his brothers is about to occur. The Parshah begins with Yehudah approaching his brother Yosef, whom he does not recognize, and pleads for Benjamin’s freedom.  Yosef reveals his identity and the brothers hug and kiss each other. They cry and they forgive each other. Yosef asks about his father’s welfare. The brother’s return to their father, Yaakov, and tell him that Yosef is alive. The brothers add that everyone, the entire clan, should go down to Egypt. So this clan, including: Jacob, the brothers, their wives and children, heads down to Egypt. Yaakov meets Pharaoh. Yosef’s family is given a parcel of land outside of Egypt in a place called Goshen, where they can tend to their flocks. Yaakov is re-united with his beloved Yosef in the land of Goshen.

It would appear that everything has gone according to some type of plan. The brothers bowed down to Yosef, just like Yosef dreamt. Yosef’s father and his father’s wives have bowed down to Yosef just like Yosef dreamt. A family that was promised the land of Canaan has now travelled down to Egypt fulfilling the plan that had been revealed to Yaakov’s father, Avraham as well as to Yaakov. Clearly the Avot, Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov were privy to God’s plan: their descendents would go down to Egypt, become slaves and eventually be redeemed and returned to the Eretz Yisroel. God explicitly revealed that plan as far back as Parsha Lech Lecha when Avraham first left home and entered the land.  However God never explicitly revealed the plan to Yosef. Yet he apparently gives every indication that he knows God’s plan.  When Yosef reveals himself to his brothers he says: Ani Yosef Acheichem Asher M’ChaRtem Oti Mitzrayaima – I am Joseph your brother whom you sold into Egypt. VAtah, Al Tei’Atzvu v’Al Yichar B’eineichem Ki M’ChaRtem Oti Heina  Now, don’t be upset or angry with yourselves that you sold me there; Ki Limchya Sh’LaChani Elohim Lifneichem – it was to save life that God sent me before you. Va’Yishlacheini Elohim Lifneichem LaSum Lachem Sh’Eirit Ba’Aretz UlHaCHayot Lachem Lifleitah Gedolah - God has sent me ahead of you to ensure your survival on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance (Gen 45:5-7). When referring to his brothers, Yosef explains that they M’Char (sold) him into Egypt as a slave. However when Yosef refers to God, the verb is not “sell” but rather SHaLaCh - “sent”. The brothers, who are not privy to any plan, who have no aptitude for Navuah (prophecy) perceive that they sold Yosef into Egypt and therefore have great remorse for having done so. However Yosef apparently does have access to the plan realizes that no sale could have occurred but rather Yosef’s descent to Egypt was part of providential mission.  When the brothers fail to indicate that they understand two revelations are simultaneously occurring. First Yosef has revealed his identity and second, Yosef is trying to reveal God’s plan. Finally, Yosef makes the plan abundantly clear. He was sent to Egypt by God in order to save the brothers, their father, and everyone who belonged to this tribe.  V’Atah Lo Atem Shlachtem Oti Heinah Ki HaElohim –So it was not you who sent me here, but God. Because Yosef is keenly aware of the plan he bears no animosity towards the brothers. Yosef reveals the plan to the brothers so that they can get past what heinous act that they perceived to have committed.

As we have tried to explain and comfort our children following the horrible tragedy that occurred in Connecticut; our children saw our anguish and our tears. We have watched the aftermath on the news. We have seen the funerals, we have heard about the random acts of kindness, we have watch and listened as some pundits and politicians discuss the perceived improvement of gun control in the United States. It was our ten year old who finally commented that she guesses we are not allowed to the plan.  I suggested that perhaps the plan is as simple as making sure that none of lives of those twenty children and six adults were wasted in life or a purposeless death.  Maybe the plan really is simple, as we are being reminded to live a meaningful life and god forbid, when loved ones die, or sad or even bad things happen to our loved ones, we figure out a way to learn and grow from such an experience.  No, it didn’t sit so well with me.  But like the Psalm says: V’Chesed Adoshem Mei’Olam V’Ad Olam Al Yirei’av V’Tzidkato Livnei Vanim – But the kindness of Hashem is forever and ever upon those who are in awe of Him, and His righteousness is upon children’s children (Ps. 103:17). Children have a pure and simple faith in God, and God continues to have faith in the children to bring goodness and righteousness to this world.

The Current Fashions Set The Pace (John Barlow & Bob Weir "Throwing Stones")

          Well Chanukah has fallen upon us. With that come the numerous discussions of what to get the kids. “One big gift or several small ones”, begins our discussion. Now that one of our children has still enmeshed on the bar/bat Mitzvah circuit, has several after school activities during the week, and we are tired of being at the whim of her friends parents for scheduling and carpooling due to their ability to communicate instantly; we have finally succumbed. We bought our daughter a cell phone. No, it was not a Blackberry, nor was it an I Phone. We agreed that she only required the simplest of phone plans and the simplest of phones. When she opened her gift she expressed a tinge of disappointment because the box didn’t say Blackberry or I Phone. When she asked us why we didn’t get her one of those “smart phones”, we told her that she did not need a data plan and therefore those smart phones were pointless without a data plan. She looked up and thoughtfully asked us, “What’s a data plan?” My wife and I smiled at each other knowing that our wisdom paid off. After we explained what a data plan was, we posed a question to our daughter. “If you agree that you don’t need a data plan, then why do you want a Blackberry or an I Phone?” Once again my wife and I smiled at each other when we heard our twelve year old daughter’s response. “Well”, she began, “the other kids have that, and it looks nice.” Needless to say, giving our daughter a phone turned into a long discussion about judging things based upon looks.

            This week's Parsha is Mikeitz. Interestingly, it is all about an individual who does not appear as expected. It is about a prisoner, who looks different, who doesn't where such nice clothes, who probably does not speak the language so fluently, who certainly doesn't sound as educated as the Royal class. It is about the most unlikely of men rising to power and prominence in the most powerful country of the time. Joseph, a convict and a homeless man, is asked to interpret Pharaoh's dream. He interprets the dream. Pharaoh is impressed and puts Joseph in charge of the economic program that the dream foretold. While managing this program, and building up storehouses in order to prevent the famine in Egypt, his brothers come down to buy food. Joseph recognizes them, but they do not recognize him. Wanting to see his youngest brother Benjamin and his father Yaakov, Joseph arranges for the brothers to return home. One brother must remain in Egypt. Then, in order to redeem their brother, all the brothers including Benjamin must return to Egypt. After that, Joseph frames Benjamin, keeping in Egypt. The Parsha concludes with the brothers returning to their father and conveying what happened to Benjamin.

           

It is interesting to note how misleading appearances are throughout the Parsha. No one can interpret Pharaoh's dream of seven fat cows and seven skinny cows or seven healthy sheaves of corn and seven dried out diseased sheaves of corn. The wine steward remembers Joseph, the homeless convict who might be able to interpret dreams. So what happens? Vayishlach Paroh Bayikrah et Yosef Vairitzuhu Min ha'bor, Va'Yigalach VaiChaleif Simlotav, Vayavoh El Paroh- So Pharaoh sent and summoned Joseph, and they rushed him from the dungeon. He shaved and changed his clothes, and he came to Pharaoh. (Gen 41:14). Perhaps Pharaoh would be disinclined to listen to a smelly, scraggly, unkempt convict. However if Yosef looked presentable then maybe the chances of Pharaoh listening would improve.  Do we think Pharaoh was that superficial? Do we think that Pharaoh was not aware that no matter how dressed up and cleaned up, Yosef wasn't homeless? Do we think that Pharaoh was not aware that no matter how dressed up and cleaned up Yosef wasn't still a convict? Do we think that Pharaoh was not aware of the fact that no matter how dressed up and cleaned up Yosef appeared, Yosef was still non-Egyptian.? Of course Pharaoh was aware that this man was a prisoner, was a foreigner, and without any aristocratic upbringing. Yet Pharoah listened. Why? Looking past appearances, past clothes, past all the superficialities that we think we are supposed to express, Pharaoh was able to see into Yosef's soul. For his part, Yosef was able to reveal his soul even through the superficiality, even through the clothing, and the after-shave. When asked to interpret the dream, Yosef's response to Pharaoh revealed his nature and his soul.  "Biladai Elohim Ya'Aneh et Sh'lom Paroh- That is beyond me; it is God who will respond with Pharaoh's welfare." (Gen 41:16) Yosef had become a humble thoughtful individual who was no longer arrogant.

            When the brothers show up in Egypt, again appearances are not what they seem. While Yosef recognizes his brothers, they do not recognize him. What did they see? They saw a man dressed in royal clothing bearing Pharaoh's signet ring. They saw a man in charge and second only to Pharaoh in terms of power. They saw power, they saw status, and they saw wealth. Ironically, with their own flesh and blood, they were not able to look past the superficialities and see the soul of this man. They were not able to listen to this man's questions about their father (43:27). Nor were they able to listen to this man's questions about their younger brother. "Hazeh Achichem Hakaton, Asher Amartem Eilai? Vayomer, Elohim Yachncha B'ni - Is this your little brother of whom you spoke to me? And he said, "God be gracious to you, my son." (43:29) The brothers did not hear the overly curious or polite nature of the questions, or the overly concerned tone of the questions.

           

We learn from the Parsha the problem of evaluating others based upon appearances and status symbols. From the Parsha, we learn the amount of effort required to see past superficialities and to discover the essence of people's souls. This Parsha is always read on Chanukah, a holiday which is all about a group of Jews that fought against the superficialities of the larger society. As the Chanukah candles burn in our homes, keep in mind the essence of those holy lights. These holy lights are an expression of the essence of our Jewish souls. These lights are not the superficial expressions by which we judge others and respect others due to looks, clothes, and status and cell phones.  Hopefully, our daughter has learned this valuable lesson as well.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Talk About Your Plenty, Talk About Your Ills (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia, Phil Lesh "St. Stephen")

It never ceases to amaze me that just when I can catch my breath, when there is a lull in the schedule:, no major events to plan, no carpooling, and things seem pretty quiet, and I sigh and think to myself that I have a respite from problems, from enormous expenses, or a busy schedule; in a blink of an eye that lull is gone and the next storm, the next crisis, the next batch of hurt feelings, misunderstandings tears me away from the quiet and the calm. Yes, being the parent of adolescents sometimes feels like being an eyewitness to a horrible pre-teen soap opera. “She was mean”, “they didn’t invite me to the party”, and “she was supposed to study with me but went with another friend instead”. All these ups and downs seem associated with our daughter and her friends. Cynically speaking, it seems to me that maybe if she had no friends, then there would not be so many dramatically emotional ups and downs.

This morning we read from Parshah Vayeishev. The focus of the narrative now shifts from Yaakov (aka. Israel) to his most beloved son Yosef. Contextually, Yaakov is at a point in his life where he has finished his spiritual and personal struggles. He now is at a calm and settled point in his life, hence the name of the Parshah: Vayeishev – and he settled. We learn that Yaakov, like his parents, played favorites. He showered Yosef, Rachel’s son, with a beautiful Kutonet Pasim – Coat of Many Colors. Yosef was a bit arrogant. This was manifested in his dreams that portrayed his greatness and the subjugated his brothers and his parents to his power. Needless to say, no one appreciated his dreams, neither his brothers who wanted to kill him but instead threw him into an empty pit, nor his father who sent Yosef back to his brothers knowing that they were angry with him (Gen. 37:10-14). Yosef is then removed from the pit, sold as a slave and worked in home of one of Pharaoh’s courtiers. The brother’s explain to their father that Yosef was killed by a wild beast. As a slave, Yosef proved invaluable to the welfare of the Courtier’s business dealings. Yosef managed everything and the courtier profited greatly. The courtier’s wife however was a bit bored and made a pass at Yosef. Yosef put her off and then was accused of sexual harassment and even rape. Yosef was removed from the home and sent to prison. While in prison, Yosef again helped run the prison and the prison did well, and the warden did well. Yosef became known for an ability to interpret dreams. So there, in prison, Yosef did well and managed to make a life for himself.

Phew! Yosef’s life sounds like a soap opera. Yosef’s life is full of ups and downs.  Yosef was up as a favored son, down when he was admonished by his father. Yosef was down when he was thrown into a pit by his brother, and then he was quite literally up when he was removed from the pit. Then Yosef was quickly down when he was sold into slavery. However he went back up again when, as a slave, he was also the manager of the courtier’s business dealings. Yosef was then literally brought down by the courtier’s wife, and then went further down when he was thrown down into the prison. Yet even in prison, he enjoyed an elevated status because of his abilities. Yosef’s life has a certain roller coaster quality to it. He is an individual who has enjoyed success and experienced failure. He has tasted the joy of life as well as its bitterness. He has had tremendous gains as well as losses. The ups and downs are not only confined to the fortune and misfortune of Yosef’s life. Frequently we read of Yosef going up and going down, ascending and descending in terms of direction and not only his spirituality. VaYishlcheihu M’Emek Chevron V’Yavoh ShChema – So he [Yaakov] sent him [Yosef] from the depth of Hebron, and he arrived at Shechem. Hebron is in the south and Shechem is in the north, so from the perspective of direction, Yosef going from south to north or up. However the phrase Emek Chevron is very problematic. Rashi explains that V’Eilah Chevron B’Har, “VYaalu B’Negev Ad Chevron (BeMidbar 13:22) – Hebron is situated on a mountain as it says in Numbers 13:22 ‘they ascended in the south up to Hebron’. Clearly the language is confused. Clearly the text is geographically challenged. Maybe those two simple words, Emek Hebron, and those contradictory concepts Emek Hebron are supposed to teach us something about the nature of Yosef’s life and our lives.

           

Maybe it is too much for me to wish my children’s lives to be quiet and boring. While “quiet” and “boring” suggests that there is calm and even problem free; the reality is that human beings are far too complex to have “quiet and boring”. We engage in relationships, we are social beings, we are spiritual beings. We think and we feel. As one daughter has started adolescence and one is on the brink, let’s just say that they socialize more, think more and definitely feel more than those of us who are a little grayer and a little wiser. Life will always have its ups and downs. However what Yosef teaches us is that sometimes a perceived down might really be an up and a perceived up might really be a down. It seems that the key is how we look at the ups and downs and how we handle those ups and downs. 

Peace,

Rav Yitz