A friend of
mine and I were talking about our eldest children. We both have daughters in
their early twenties. Both of our daughters are very dedicated to their careers
and graduate school. Neither one has the time to invest in a serious relationship
and neither one is looking to get married. They both explain to us that they
will worry about marriage in a few years, after graduate school, or when they
feel that they have progressed far enough in their respective careers. As
parents my friend and I would love to see our daughters meet someone and get
married. Also, we take a deep sigh of relief knowing that as each of our
daughters continue to mature, grow comfortable with who they are, and what is
important to them, we hope that they will exercise good judgment when it comes
time to make such an important decision. My friend and I make no bones about
it, we hope that they will marry someone Jewish. We also hope that our
daughters will marry someone that brings out the best qualities in our daughters,
someone who is smart, kind, decent, and with similar values as our daughters.
So instead of asking each of our daughters if she is dating someone; we ask if
they go to shul, if they participate in their synagogues’ social programs. We
ask them, we bother them and we probably annoy them, but they understand what
we think is important. Ultimately however, they are on their own, and they have
to make their own decisions.
However, in
this week's Parsha, we learn how to evaluate a person’s character. We learn how
judge. This week's Parsha is Chayei
Sarah. The Parsha begins with the recounting the years of Sarah's life,
Avraham's mourning for his wife, purchasing the land for Sarah's burial and
then burying her. Avraham then tells his servant that he does not want his son,
Yitzchak, marrying a Canaanite woman. Instead, the servant must return to
Avraham's hometown and look for a woman from Avraham's family/ tribe. The
servant wants to know how to determine which girl is the right girl for his
Master's son. Avraham answers that the girl that returns with the servant is
the right girl. Armed with treasures, camels and plenty of wealth for a dowry
the servant sets off and decides that the best place to find a girl is by the
local well. There the servant decides that the "right" girl is the
girl who would offer him water, as well as offer his camels’ water. Sure
enough, Rebecca arrives at the well and fulfills the servant's standard. The
servant returns with Rebecca to her family, convinces the family to let her go,
and Rebecca is asked if she wants to return with the servant. Rebecca
unhesitatingly responds with a yes. Now Rebecca has fulfilled the servant's
requirement as well as Avraham's requirement. Upon her arrival at her new home,
she sees her betrothed, and, not knowing who he was, asked the servant. The
servant told her and she covered herself. Rebecca and Yitzchak are married. The
Parsha concludes with Yitzchak and Ishmael burying their father, and the
genealogy of Ishmael's family.
The
story of the Yitzchak and Rebecca is one of the more unique stories in Torah.
It is not a story of love at first sight. Rather the narrative has very little
to do with love and has everything to do with qualities of another person, not
the feeling generated by another person. The qualities that the servant deems to be
vital for his master, Avraham, and his Master’s son, Yitzchak are not based
upon emotion. Instead the qualities are based upon character of the girl
herself, and the narrative mentions that quality three times. The first mention
occurs when the servant prays to God that a girl offers water to him and his
camels. Vayomer Adonai Elohei Adoni
Avraham Hakrei Nah Lfanai Hayom V'Asei Chesed Im Adoni Avraham - And he said, " Lord, God of my master
Avraham, may you so arrange it for me this day that you do kindness with my
master Abraham, See, I stand here by the spring of water and the daughters of
the townsmen come out to draw. Let it be that the maiden to whom I shall say
'Please tip over your jug so I may drink', and who replies, 'Drink, and I will
even water your camels,'…. (Gen 24:12-14) The second telling of this story
is when it actually occurs. (Gen 24:15-21) The third telling of the story occurs
when the servant tells it for the first time to Rebecca's family
(Gen.24:42-46). These events must be significant if Torah tells us the events
in three different contexts, all of which are in the same chapter.
We all have standards of what attracted us to our
husbands and wives. We all have standards of what attracted us to a person as a
friend, as a client or even as a congregant and Rabbi. Torah is teaching us one
vital thing. The standard is not looks. The standard is not brains. The
standard is not family background, nor comportment. The Torah’s standard is to
see people and evaluate their behavior. Is the person a mentsche? Are they
decent? Are they compassionate? Do they perform acts of Gemilut Chasadim (Acts of Loving Kindness)? This is the person you want for a mate, a
friend, a confidant, and yes, even a Rabbi. We all have standards and
requirements that allow us to make judgments. We should never allow
superficial qualities to be the basis for those judgments. God does not judge us in
such a fashion. Nor should we judge others in a superficial fashion based
entirely upon emotions. Emotions come and go. But the content of a person’s
character should remain constant.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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