There
are numerous potential hazards when it comes to raising teenagers. One hazard
in particular tends to rear its ugly head on Saturday nights or on evenings
when there is no school the next day and our teen-age daughters want to go out with
their friends. They tell us where they
are going and with whom. They may or may not need some money and still the
hazard has not arrived. Then I ask two simple questions. What time do you plan
on coming home? How are you getting home? The answers tend to be the same as
always. Each will give me a time as late as possible with no regard for the
next day’s tasks or plans. A negotiation begins and a more reasonable curfew is
begrudgingly agreed upon. Then they explain that they have arranged a ride home
with a friend’s parent. If negotiations are about leverage, I realize that this
answer is about to tip the leverage to our teenagers’ advantage. They
understand that even if they wanted to come home early, they wouldn’t be able
to since the friend will want to stay later and arranged to be picked up later.
I am about to be held hostage by an over indulgent parent who doesn’t care if
their child sleeps until noon the next day, does nothing, and only cares that
their child is well liked and popular. So I tell our teenagers that I will pick
them up from said social function. Later that evening when I pick up our
teenage daughters from “the night out”, and they always one of the first to be
picked up, one of two fascinating things happens. Rarely do I only pick up our
daughter. Usually one or two of their friends have bummed a ride as well. Turns
out that the other kids didn’t want to be out so late, they just thought they
had to be out late. After dropping off
the friends or if our daughters were alone to begin with, they always comment
that they are glad that they left when they did.
This
Shabbat we return to the weekly Torah cycle and read Parshat Acharei Mot. After
two Parshiot, Tazria and Metzorah, which essentially interrupted the narrative
and the laws that had been focused upon the Kohanim, we now return to the Kohen
as the central focus in the Parsha. Now that he has become spiritually pure,
the Torah is now ready to teach the laws for the spiritual purity of the
nation. We have focused upon the impurities of individuals, now we focus upon
the community. The Kohen acts on behalf of the nation just like he acts on
behalf of the individual. The Torah teaches us the laws for the offerings of
Yom Kippur, national atonement, and Azazel otherwise known as the Scapegoat.
The Scapegoat is not offered as a sacrifice to God, but rather is sent out from
the camp and left to wander in the wilderness eventually succumbing to the
elements. The second half of the Parsha focuses upon the holy and holy
relationships within the family. However the list of inappropriate behaviors
between family members is taught within the context of the other nations. What
is particularly troubling is the fact that our interaction with the two nations
was a direct function of God’s plan. God invokes Egypt and God invokes Canaan.
We went down to Egypt and now we were being brought to Canaan. K’Maasei
Eretz Mitzrayim Asher Y’shavtem Bah Lo Ta’Asu UchMa’Asei Eretz Canaan Asher Ani
Meivi Etchem Shamah Lo Ta’Asu UvChukoteihem Lo Teileichu – Do not practice of the land of Egypt in
which you dwelled; and do not perform the practice of the land of Canaan to
which I bring you, and do not follow their traditions. (Lev. 18:3) For the
past two centuries B’nai Yisroel dwelled in Egypt, a morally decadent
community. Now B’nai Yisroel is about to head into Eretz Canaan, which was also
a morally decadent land inhabited by the Moabites, the Canaanites, the
Hittites, the Jebusites and the Edo mites to name a few. I can justify using
Egypt as the example. First our descent into slavery both physical and
spiritual was hardly overnight but rather a gradual process. Second, our
experience in Egypt serves as the origins of our becoming a nation. Invoking
that experience is at the core of our national memory. We remind ourselves of Yetziat Mitzrayim (The Exodus from
Egypt) three times a day when we say the Shma. We are reminded of Yetziat Mitzrayim when we make Kiddush
on Shabbat and all festivals. We reminded ourselves of Yetziat Mitrayim for eight days last week during the Passover
Festival. We remind ourselves of Yetziat
Mitzrayim and pass down that collective memory to our children at the
Pesach Seder. We spent a lot of time reminding ourselves that we left Egypt, but
we spend very little time reminding ourselves about entering Canaan? Why do we focus so much on leaving Egypt and
very little time focusing on entering Canaan? Canaan is God’s covenant with us,
originating with Avraham Avinu. So why would God promise us a land that is as
morally bankrupt as Egypt? Why would God bring us to a place that is the
equivalent to a place where God brought us out? One would have assumed that
Canaan was already a wonderful place otherwise God wouldn’t have brought B’nai
Yisroel there nor would it have been part of a covenant.
The
Be’er Yitzchak, the 19th Russian Rabbi offers a comment that is relevant
to today’s Jewish experience. “The reason
for mentioning Egypt and Canaan is simple: if you imitate the Egyptians – then
why did I take you out of Egypt? And if you behave like the Canaanites- why
should I expel them before you/ it was on condition that you will not do so
that I took you out of Egypt and that I shall expel the Canaanites… do not imitate even their innocuous
practises, for these lead to total assimilation.” The experience in Egypt
was an incubation period to prepare for Torah at Sinai. Our experience in Egypt
would constantly serve as a reminder that we ultimately rejected physical
slavery and that we ultimately rejected the institutions and behaviors of that
master. It is certainly easy to reject all things Egyptian while we are
reminded of how damaging the experience was. It is quite another thing to
reject the behavior, and culture of a society when one is free, when one is not
scarred by such a damaging experience. Yet, the success of our people, the
future viability of our relationship with God through Torah could only occur if
we are able to reject a dominant culture’s behavior as a free nation and not as
an enslaved nation. B’nai Yisroel’s survival ultimately depends upon remaining
separate and apart from the cultural majority. B’nai Yisroel’s survival depends
upon remaining spiritually distinct from the majority. B’nai Yisroel’s survival
depends upon the spiritual strength needed to reject the behaviors of any
dominant culture, to refrain from behavior because “everyone else does it”.
It
is always nice to feel part of something. It is always nice to feel included.
It is always nice to be culturally recognized. From an individual perspective, going
along with the crowd means never feeling left out. For our children, there is
always the tension of fitting in and still retaining a sense of individuality. However, as a people, our national sin, our
national mistake is our individual yearning, our desire to be like everybody
else, to assimilate. So we manage to teach our teenage daughters a most valuable
lesson. Just because “everyone is doing it” neither makes it right nor means
that it is good for each of them as individuals. Rather our teenage daughters need
to make decisions based upon what is best for themselves. For now, as long as
they are teenagers living at home; they have figured out a convenient way to
avoid feeling left out and simultaneously avoid staying out ridiculously late
just because “all of my friends will be staying out late.” Yep, they just blame
me, and tell their friends that “since my dad is picking us up, he doesn’t want
to be out so late since he has to wake up early the next morning”. If my daughters
need me to be their Azazel, their scapegoat, I suppose there are worse things.
Peace
Rav Yitz
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