Well,
our sixteen year old just received her G1 Driver’s License or in America, she
just received her Driver’s Permit. Of course on the day she passed her written
test, her mother and I congratulated her. Her mom told her how proud she was of
her. However, I was a bit more understated about praising and congratulating
her. I knew that I was the one who would take her driving in between driving
lessons with a certified driving instructor. As we drove home, I asked if she
wanted to drive in a nearby empty parking lot. She enthusiastically said yes.
We arrived at the parking lot, switched seats and she sat in the driver’s seat
while tightly gripping the wheel. Then I gave her the talk, a talk that I am
sure my father gave me. Driving is an enormous responsibility, it is a weapon
that can kill people. I piled it on and explained that her behavior would
demonstrate if she was ready to handle that kind of responsibility. As a
parent, I had tremendous leverage. If she wanted me to take her driving, there
wouldn’t be the typical teenage attitude and fresh mouth that drives me and my
wife crazy. If she wanted to drive, would have to be more responsible regarding
caring for her room, household chores and how she spoke to her parents and
sibling. If she wanted me to take her driving, there would be minimal teenage rebelliousness.
I am not quite sure my plan is working out the way I anticipated.
This
Shabbat, we read Parsha Ki Teitzeh. Moshe teaches us the laws concerning war,
creating an environment for soldiers to behave as honorably as possible. We
learn that everyone, whether “loved” or “hated” has rights under the law as
well as entitlements. We learn that every one of us is responsible for the
other. If we see something that has been lost by our neighbor then we pick it
up and return it. Moshe re-iterates that human relationships can either be
holy, between a husband and wife, and between parents and children or unholy by
crossing the boundaries of those relationships. Moshe reminds the people that
children will not be punished for the sins of their parents, nor will parents
be punished as a result of their children. In such a situation there would be
no need to add punishment since the parents of the child or the children of the
parent would be punished enough just having been touch by the situation.
Essentially this morning’s Parsha is all about human relationships designed to
maintain individual holiness as well as communal holiness.
So
it is troubling that we are confronted with one of the most controversial
commandments of the Torah. Ki Yiheyeh
L’Ish Bein Sorer U’Moreh Einenu Shomeiah B’kol Aviv U’vkol Imo, If a man will have a wayward and rebellious
son, who does not hearken to the voice of his father and the voice of his mother V’Yisru Oto v’Lo Yishmah Aleihem and they discipline him, but he does not hearken to them, then his
father and mother shall grasp him and take him out to the elders of his city
and the gate of his place. They shall say to the elders of the city, B’Neinu zeh Sorer U Moreh “This son of ours is wayward and rebellious,
he does not hearken to our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.” All the men
of his city shall pelt him with stones and he shall die; U’viarta HaRah Mikirbecha and you shall remove the evil from your
midst (Deut. 21:18-21). The literal meaning of the verses suggests that in
the extreme case of an evil child who is beyond help, continues to cling to
evil the ways while the rest of the
community clings to holiness, such a child must be eliminated. However, we
understand that somethings in the Torah are not to be understood literally. For
the Talmudic sages, this was one of those cases.
The
Talmud makes the point that “there never was nor will there ever be” a
child to be put to death based upon this law. Rashi, the 11th century Northern
French commentator, explains these verses in two ways. First, Rashi clarifies
and quantifies the Zoleil v’Sovei – glutton and guzzler as Yochal Tateimar Basar V’Yishteh Chatzi Log
Yayin – as one who eats 8oz. of meat
in one or two bites and drinks between 12-21 fluid ounces in a single gulp and
Ad Yignov and will steal to support his habit. Second, Rashi explains that
this rebellious son must be warned twice that his behavior is in opposition to
Halacha (Jewish Law). Otherwise the Rebellious son is not liable for punishment.
In his comment, Rashi implicitly suggests what the Talmud explicitly teaches. Neither
Moshe, or the Talmudic sages could imagine a child purposefully ignoring his parents
and begin thieving, drinking, doing drugs, or demonstrating gluttonous behavior,
that is to say, doing too much of whatever they want without regard for
anything or anyone. Moshe, in his re-iteration of the Torah, teaches that the
parents are the responsible. It is their obligation to bring the child to the Bet
Din (the court), and when the parents can no longer live up to that obligation,
then society must take over. The question becomes how does a child become a Sorer U’Moreh? Children are not born
wayward nor rebellious. Children are not born gluttonous and drunk. There may
be a genetic disposition to obsessive compulsive behavior or addiction, but
before a child becomes an adult and responsible for him/herself, the parents
bear a responsibility for the social and emotional development of that child.
No,
none of our children are like Ben Sorer
U’Moreh- the gluttonous rebellious
son. Although they strike me as a bit
gluttonous when it comes to use of their phones and IPods. Yes, sometimes it
feels like a never ending fight to make sure that we enforce our household
rules, rules which are designed to prevent them from becoming Sorer U’Moreh. As
we watch our daughter negotiate the landscape with this added leverage/desire
to drive; she has started to see our wisdom and appreciate our methods. She has
started to understand that our rules and our talks are a result of our concern
with the type of person she might or might not become rather than what she is.
As I sit in the passenger seat, and she adjusts the seat and mirrors, presses
down on the break and begins to shift gears, she looks over at me and thanks me
for all the rules, for the high expectations, for the instilling in her a sense
of responsibility as well as consequences for her behavior. Then she turns to
look straight ahead and begins to slowly drive as she has a look on her face
that recognizes the fact that there is several tons of responsibility in her
hands.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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