Truckin' Like The Doodah Man; Once Told Me "Gotta Play Your Hand (Robert Hunter, Jerry Garcia, Bob Weir & Phil Leshe - "Truckin'"

           Chanukah conveniently coincided with the Christmas and New Years holiday this year. Lights were lit both in the Jewish and Christian world at the same time. It also turned out that our children had off for all of Chanukah. We decided to spend it visiting family and friends in the New York Metropolitan area. Normally we drive. Normally we spend the night at the grandparents in Rochester, and then leave first thing the next morning. This time the plans were different. Our son was sick so we delayed our departure by a day. Then on the morning we were going to leave, the roads and iced over and we had to wait for the weather to turn a bit warmer, which it did. The problem was that ice was forecast on the very route that we were taking to New York. However, as the day would progress, the temperatures were supposed to rise. I watched the weather, studied the forecast, loaded the car and family and began our drive. The weather was fine until we arrived at the grandparents. We spend about an hour there, ate a late lunch. I looked at the weather forecast again. One route which was a bit longer, safer, with more rest stops, was expecting cold temperatures and ice. The alternative route which was less lit, through the mountains with fewer stops was expecting warmer temperatures and rain instead of ice.  So as I drove, and heard one last forecast, I opted for the the mountain route through Pennsylvania and New Jersey. The weather was cold, damp, and remained between 33-38 Fahrenheit the whole drive.  As the temperature inched lower and grew more nervous, more concerned about skidding as I crossed mountain over passes, more concerned as trucks were slowing down mountain descents, and more concerned about having to suddenly stop. Needless to say it was far from a relaxing drive.  At one point our daughter who is taking driving lesson, commented that she didn’t recall me ever appearing worried during a drive.  I explained that because I am driving, I always worry since I felt responsible for everyone. I asked her why she noticed my worrying this time. She said that maybe because she is now taking driving lessons, she has started to understand and appreciate the responsibility involved in driving a car.

         This week we read from Parsha Mikeitz. The Parsha always coincides with Shabbat of Chanukah. While there is nothing in the Parsha that explicitly mentions or implicitly suggests Chanukah; we could look at the entire Parsha as embodying miracles. Two years after Joseph correctly interprets the dreams of the Wine Steward and the Baker, the Wine Steward informs Pharaoh of the Hebrew prisoner that interprets dreams. Pharaoh has a dream, and only Joseph is able to interpret it. Pharaoh promotes Joseph from prisoner to Prime Minister. Joseph becomes second in command, devises a plan that saves Egypt from the impending seven-year famine. He is given an Egyptian name, an Egyptian wife, and had two sons: Ephraim and Menashe. After seven plentiful years, the famine begins. The famine is particularly devastating outside Egypt where no preparations occurred. Jacob sends his sons to Egypt for food. However, they have no idea that the person that they meet, the person to whom they make their request for food is their brother Joseph. Joseph recognizes the immediately. Joseph devises a plan to ascertain whether or not the brothers have finally done some type of Teshuva (some type of repentance for what they had done to him years before. For Joseph, he must try to manipulate events in order to get the brothers to bring Benjamin, Jacob’s youngest son born from Rachel, to Egypt as well as convince Jacob to come to Egypt. The Parsha concludes, with Joseph forcing the brothers to leave Benjamin in Egypt and return to Jacob with the news.

          There are two moments when Jacob and family suffer because of the famine. There are two moments when, on two separate occasions, two sons, Reuven and Judah, attempt to convince Jacob to allow the to bring Benjamin to Egypt in return for more food. When Reuven, the first born son, attempts to convince Jacob that he will be responsible for looking after Benjamin, Jacob disapproves of the suggestion. The family continues to suffer from a lack of food. When Judah attempts to convince his father that he will assume responsibility for Benjamin, Jacob accepts and assigns Judah responsibility. Why does Jacob allow the fourth eldest to assume responsibility and not the eldest? Reuven’s idea of responsibility is Et Shnei Vanai Tamit Im Lo Avienu Eilecha T’na Oto  Al Yadi V’Ani Ashivenu Eilecha – You may slay my two sons if I fail to bring him back to you. Put him in my care and I will return him to you (Gen. 42:37). Rashi quoting a midrash that Jacob heard Reuven and thought to himself that his eldest son is a fool. Jacob had already lost a son (Joseph) and one is being held in Egypt.  If Reuven fails and now Jacob would lose two grandsons? Jacob hears Reuven’s offer and realizes that he is shifting the blame. If, God forbid, something was to happen to Benjamin, two other sons would suffer as well as a father and a grandfather. To Jacob, Reuven’s offer hardly sounds like someone assuming responsibility.  Judah’s idea of responsibility is: Anochi E’Ervenu MiYadi T’Vakshenu Im Lo Havi’otiv Eilecha V’Hitzagtiv Lefanecha V’Chatati Lecha Kol Hayamim – I will personally guarantee him; of my own hand you can demand him. If I do not bring him back to you and stand him before you, then I will have sinned to you for all time. ( 43:9). Judah “guarantees” Benjamin’s welfare. Judah explains to his father that he will put his life on the line for his brother.  Judah knows what it is to lose a son. He has lost two sons. He, more than any of the other brothers, including Reuven, understands what is is to have lost a child and to take responsibility for his deeds. (Gen. 39). Judah won’t punish anyone else but himself if he fails to care for Benjamin. Yaakov believes that this is the language of responsibility, so he acquiesces and allows Judah to assume responsibility for Benjamin. Symbolically, Judah has now assumed the mantle of responsibility for the welfare of the whole family and ultimately the nation.  Judah is the ancestor to King David. Judah is blessed by Jacob as being the ancestor to the God’s anointed (Moshiach).

          As I continued the drive, our sixteen-year-old, began to understand what it meant to assume responsibility. She asked if I thought about waiting a day and driving when we knew the weather would have been nicer?  Yes, I thought about it and I told her so. She acknowledged that she would have been disappointed but she added that she now understood my reasoning. Before driving lessons, she thought that if I chose to delay the drive, the weather was merely an excuse; she thought that I just didn’t want to be in New York visiting family and friends. Now that she takes driving lessons, she can “appreciate the fact that assuming responsibility means putting feelings aside and doing the smart thoughtful thing even if means “not doing what you want.” Because of the driving lessons. I realize that she is able to empathize with me.  As a result, she now realizes that my trust and a deep understanding of responsibility for her decisions and judgment  accompanies her drivers license and my car. I guess it was an educational drive after all.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Well You Know, Hate's Just The Last Thing They're Thinking Of (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "Looks Like Rain")

Over the past few weeks, we have witnessed a human tragedy unfold in Aleppo. Actually what is happening in Aleppo has been going on in Syria for the past five years. Only now has it become starker, crueler, and more brutal and with more callousness and hatred that what previously existed as hundreds of thousands of Syrians have been killed, wounded or displaced. Now, not only has it been the Syrian army and air force indiscriminately killing its own. We have witnessed several attempted ceasefires in order to evacuate the innocent civilians from the wanton death and destruction.  We have witnessed tens of thousands killed. We have watched as the some countries, Russia, explicitly aid and abet the Assad loyalists. We have watch as the other countries, like the rest of the world remain silent as this Assad does to Aleppo what his father did to Hama in the 1980’s. As we watch the evening news, as we see the footage, our children admit to confusion. They understand a leader putting down a rebellion and they understand a civil war. What they don’t understand and what I can’t comprehend is a leader so focused on putting down a rebellion that he doesn’t care how many of his own innocent civilians are part of the “collateral damage” or are actual targets. I told our children to google Stalin, Mao, and Pol Pot as they all turned on their own civilian populations and killed hundreds of thousands of their own. Just when it seems that a leader can’t be filled with any more hate; the leader manages to find even more in order to engage in such heinous behavior. 

This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeishev. We begin the Joseph story. Loved more than his brothers, Joseph is eventually sold into slavery by his brothers. He works for a powerful Egyptian only to wind up in prison. While in prison, he helps the warden and the prison becomes very profitable. The Parsha begins with Joseph interpreting dreams and the Parsha ends with Joseph interpreting dreams.  In between, we read about Yehuda who presented with an opportunity to engage in public repentance.

  For the first time in narrative in Book of Genesis, we encounter hatred. Regarding Joseph’s brother’s feelings towards Joseph, the Torah is clear. They are not jealous nor angry. V’Yavei Yosef et Dibata Ra’ah el Avihem – Joseph brought and evil report of them (this might mean only Leah’s son’s or it might refer to all the brothers). V’Yisroel Ahav et Yosef Mikol Banav Ki Ven Zekunim Hu Lo V’Asah Lo KeTonet Pasim – Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his sons because he was the son of his old age and he made him a coat of many colors. Va’Yiru Echav Ki Oto Ahav Avihem MiKol Echav VaYisnu Oto  V’ Lo Yachlu Dabro L’Shalom – And when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all the brothers, they hated him and could not speak peacefully to him. VaYachalom Yosef Chalom VaYaGeid L’Echav VaYosifu Od Sno Oto – and Joseph dreamed a dream and he told it to his brothers and they hated him even more (Gen.27:2-5). Normally one goes through a series of emotions before arriving at hatred. We might have assumed that the brothers were at first angry or jealous before we learn that they hate Joseph. However, not only do these brothers hate Joseph they couldn’t speak civilly to him. They had to avoid speaking to him for fear that they might hurt him. That seems like a lot of hatred. Yet they managed to find even more hatred in their souls after Joseph told them about his dream of their bowing down to him. What is the difference between the first hatred that the brothers felt prior to hearing of the dream and the hatred they felt after hearing about the dream? Perhaps the first hatred really was the culmination of emotions. That the normal anger and jealousy, over time, evolved into a hatred for Joseph. Certainly that “hatred” seems to be justified as the Torah text offers reasons for their hatred. It seems that by trying to ignore Joseph, the brothers are aware that their hatred is passionate based upon jealousy, anger and rage. The second hatred is more than the first. This hatred seems like a cold calculating hatred where they stop seeing Joseph as a brother. Hinei Ba’al Chalomot HaLaZeh Ba – Behold the dreamer comes (Gen. 27:19). How much do the brothers hate their brother? They hate him so much that they don’t see him as a brother but as something else. Because he is seen as and considered to be something else, something other than a part of their family, they see Joseph as threat. Without passion but rather with a cool hatred they can coolly, calmly and rationally discuss killing him and leaving him in a pit.

                The Torah narrative almost seems to acknowledge that the human soul has a large capacity for hatred. However as large a capacity for hatred we may have, that doesn’t mean we should act upon it. The brother’s discuss killing Joseph but they don’t. They sell him to Midianites on their way to Egypt. Hatred is one of the seven basic emotions. We are not supposed to succumb to our emotions, no matter how justified, no matter how cool and calculated those emotions may be. They are still emotions. The narrative reminds us and we see it with the development of Joseph and Judah. We are supposed to be governed by something more than our emotions. We are supposed to be governed by our desire to be holy and sacred. Leave it to an Israeli youth group to understand and appreciate that lesson, a lesson that they understood and anticipated two years ago. Two years ago they asked the Chief Rabbi who told them to recite Psalms 37 and 120.  Hopefully the rest of the world can catch up and pray for the civilians of Aleppo and the victims of this horrible civil war.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

And Or It Will Require A Change That Hasn't Come Before (Robert Hunter, Jerry Garcia, Phil Lesh - "St. Stephen")

A few days ago I conducted a funeral. While meeting with the family prior to the Levayah (funeral), I was asked if I believed that people could change, change their behavior and even their personality. Certainly, Judaism is pretty clear about the possibility of change. Because Judaism is behaviorally based and not dogmatically based, we believe that if the behavior changes, then ultimately the individual will change. Among the most prevalent themes of the Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) is the notion that we are capable of changing our behavior, changing ourselves, improving ourselves and becoming better versions of ourselves. Certainly, I want to believe that, and as a Rabbi that is my first response. However I don’t think it is so simple. Changing a personality, changing who we are, changing our core seems a rather daunting task. Several years ago, a book by Stephen Guise entitle Mini Habits: Smaller Habits Bigger Result appeared. The theory, based upon Lao Tzu’s famous pearl of wisdom “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a small step”, begins with the brutally realistic view of human nature. Guise explains change is predicated upon two ingredients: intention and over estimating competence. Big intentions and big ambitions are worthless if they don’t bring results. The lack of intended result harms and defeats the person and then he/she will eventually stop the process. The Dunning-Kruger effect is a cognitive bias that people generally over estimate their competencies. For Guise, this means that “self-control” is a competency and, in general we think we have much more self-control than we really do. This unrealistic evaluation of our self-control also contributes to our inability to change.

This week we read from Parsha Vayishlach. We read about Yaakov and Esav’s reunion. We read about Yaakov’s daughter Dina and her unholy tryst with Shechem a member of the Hivvites. We learn of what many consider to be the fanatical response on behalf of her brother Shimon and Levi. Yaakov returns to Bet El, the place where he dreamt of the ladder many years before, builds and altar, and receives the covenant from God. During that process, God changes his name from Yaakov to Yisroel. And while we read about the name change at the very beginning of the Parsha, that name change was given by another being (Gen. 32:29). Rachel dies as well as a wet nurse named Deborah. Finally we read a list of Yaakov’s children as well as Esav’s.

Yaakov’s trepidation prior to his re-union with his brother stems from the one unanswered question. Has Esav really changed? Yaakov just crossed the Yabok River and is unsure as to what to expect from his brother Esav.  VaYaratz Esav Likrato VaiChabkeihu, VaYipol Al Tzavarav Vayishahkeihu Vayivku – Esav ran toward him, embraced him, fell upon his neck, and kissed him; then they wept (Gen. 33:4). Certainly at first blush, Esav appears to have forgiven his brother. Certainly it appears that the decades have washed away Esav’s animosity towards his brother.  It appears that Esav has changed. The plain meaning of the text suggests this. However, the plain text, the simple meaning is focused upon behavior, upon the margins and not at the core. Imagine not seeing someone for thirty years for fear of your life. Then as you approach; the person runs towards you. Are they a friend or foe? When you embrace, would it be out of the question to wonder if this hug felt more like an assault instead of a loving embrace? While wondering about the hug, what happens when the person falls upon your neck and kisses you on the neck? Is this a kiss of brotherly love or the proverbial “kiss of death”? Yet all these questions were cause for Yaakov’s trepidation during this reunion. 

One thing is clear however, the narrative concludes with Esav first expressing a desire to escort Yaakov and his family to their destination. When Yaakov politely rebuffs Esav’s offer; Esav suggest that some of his armed men should escort Yaakov and his family. Again, wary of his brother, Yaakov politely responds Lamah Zeh Why this (suggestion), Emtzah Chein B’Einei Adoni Let me just have favor in my Lords eyes. VaYashav BaYom HaHu Eisav L’Darko Seirah So Esav started back that day on his way toward Seir. V’Yaakov Nasah Sukkotah - but Yaakov traveled to Sukkot (Gen. 33:15-17). The brothers go their separate ways. They don’t hug and kiss each other good bye, or at least the Torah text doesn’t tell us that they hugged and kissed each other good bye. Rather there is an offer by Esav to take Yaakov to Seir. Perhaps Esav thought he was being nice, perhaps he was trying to lull Yaakov into a trap and planned to wipe out Yaakov and his family later.  Yaakov understood that while his brother’s outward behavior may have changed, it was more realistic to assume that his core, big brother Esav hadn’t changed at all, For the sake of the future safety of his family Yaakov was best served by staying as far away as possible from his brother. 

 Yes, at first blush it was so easy for Yaakov and Esav to hug and kiss each other, to weep together.  Over the course of twenty years, maybe each had marginally softened, perhaps they had become better versions, more honest versions of themselves. However, at their respective cores, Yaakov, ever the spiritual clinger now grasps firmly to Hashem. This is worthy of a new name or an additional name: Israel.  Esav, ever the hunter, would wait for his prey to grow careless then go in for the kill. There is nothing in the text to suggest that Esav has an ability to engage in introspection. He hunts. His viewpoint is external, the prey. At the core, he is who is. So do people change? It seems that change is only possible if they are brutally honest and they are inclined to embrace the effort required to engage in mini habits with an eye towards big results.

Peace,

Rav Yitz