Lately It Occurs To Me What A Long Strange Trip It's Been (Robert Hunter, Jerry Garcia, Phil Lesh & Bob Weir- "Truckin' ")

           I recently visited my parents. I wanted to check on them as they continue to recover from Covid. While we were eating dinner, we began to speak about future life cycle events and opportunities for our family to spend time together. In the upcoming year, there will be University Graduation and a grandson learning in Israel and returning next summer. Since my parents are both 80, they also hope that they can see their grandchildren get engaged and married. As we spoke of these imminent and hopeful future lifecycle moments, a discussion that was clearly focused on the future; something odd began to happen. With each grandchild and their future lifecycle events, my parents began talking about past events. With an eye toward the future, both of my parents continued to discuss the path that each grandchild had taken.

          This morning we read from Parsha Matot/Masei. These are the final two parshiot of Sefer BaMidbar (Book of Numbers).  Like the end of most books, Matot/Masei ties up numerous loose ends. It ties up the loose ends of the narrative such as how to deal with the Midianites following the episode with Pinchas, the daughters of Tzelophchad, and issues of inheritance, as well as the borders of Eretz Canaan, and the Cities of Refuge. All these final issues must be dealt with since, from a narrative perspective, B’nai Yisroel is spiritually and physically ready to cross the Jordan River and enter Eretz Canaan. B’nai Yisroel is about to realize the Brit, the covenant that God made with the Avot: Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov.

     Whenever an individual, a group, a community, or a people stand on the precipice of a realized goal; looking back upon the journey only makes sense.  Whenever an individual, a group, a community, or a people experience anxiety about the ability to handle future unknowns; looking back at past lessons also seems to make a lot of sense. We look back upon the journey for a variety of reasons. First, we look back upon the journey in sheer wonderment; we cannot believe we have traveled so far and finally achieved. Second, we look back upon the journey in order to provide context and meaning for all those who joined in the journey towards the middle or the end. Third, we look back upon the journey as a series of opportunities that were necessary in order to realize the stated goal. Fourth, we look back knowing that we overcame past obstacles and fears, then we should be able to overcome future anxieties, obstacles, and fears.  Eilah Masei V’nai Yisroel Asher Yatzu M’Eretz Mitztrayim L'tzivotam  B’Yad Moshe v’Aharon – These are the journeys of the Children of Israel, who went forth from the Land of Egypt according to the legions under the hand of Moshe and Aharon … V’Eilah Maseihem L’Motzaheihem – And these are their journeys according to their departures. (Num. 33:1-2) God commanded Moshe to keep a record of their travels according to their Maseihem - destination. This is means of recording based upon positive expectations when there were no travails, issues, or problems. Moshe also kept a record of their travels based upon Motzaheihem -  their departure, when there were travails, issues, and great difficulties, when people murmured against God, against Moshe, etc. Now that Bnai Yisroel stands on the brink of entering Eretz Canaan, all the experiences, both positive and negative gave Bnai Yisroel an opportunity to learn Faith.  The journey and all that was experienced during that 40-year journey were necessary in order to arrive at this point in time.

          One of the final commandments that God gives to Moshe is to record where B'nai Israel had been.  Before embarking on the future, B'nai Israel needed to know from whence they came. As my parents and I finished dinner, I thought that the seamless shift between the future paths of their grandchildren's lives and the paths that they traveled took an interesting twist. They both understood and appreciated that the path that their grandchildren had taken, and the anticipated future lifecycle moments have a lot to do with the path the parents have taken and in turn the path that the grandparents have taken. At that moment, generations, choices, and paths taken became interconnected; past and future merged. The lesson became clear. One needs to know where one comes from in order to make the wisest decisions on the path forward towards the future. 

Peace,

Rav Yitz 

I Swear It On My Very Soul; If I Lie May I Fall Down Cold (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Reuben and Cerise")

          Every religion, every society acknowledges the importance of making a vow, or swearing an oath, or “giving one’s word”. To accept a vow, oath, or another person’s “word” was a demonstration of trust, an act of faith that the other person would keep their vow, oath, or word. Without a mechanism for people to trust business would cease to occur, relationships would end,  and anarchy would reign. Where society and religions differ is the premium place upon the vow, oath, or a person’s word. The Judeo-Christian and Muslim cultures and traditions consider vows and oaths tantamount to invoking God’s name and violating an oath or a vow, therefore, is tantamount to “Taking God’s name in vain”. For the less observant or those who don’t affiliate with a religion, a violation of an oath or a vow destroys a sacred trust. In a democratic society, trust is the lubricant,  that allows governments to govern. When the populace doesn’t trust its institutions there is chaos. Certainly, that is what we have watched occur in the United States over the past several years. Sadly, over the past week, once again we witnessed, elected officials who swear an oath to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic…” fail to live up to that oath. A former Chief of Staff and former congressman who swore such an oath decided to protect and defend a former president instead of the Constitution. An entire political party, except for a handful of Congressman and Senator have pledged their fealty to authoritarianism instead of fulfilling their vows and oaths to the Constitution.  

          This morning we read from Parsha Vayechi. This is the final Parsha in the book of Breishit. The Parsha begins with Yaakov calling Yosef and making him swear an oath that he will not be buried in Egypt. He also blesses his grandsons Ephraim and Menashe. He gathers his sons together and offers each son a blessing or a prophecy. Yaakov dies and his sons take him out of Egypt and fulfill their vow. They bury their father in Heron alongside Avraham and Yitzchak and Sarah Rebecca and Leah. Afterward, the brothers fear that Yosef will finally take vengeance for their mistreatment of him. Yosef doesn’t, and the brothers and their families continue to grow and prosper in Goshen. As Yosef prepares for his death, he makes his brothers vow to take his bones out of Egypt and bury his bones in Eretz Canaan. 

          Yaakov’s final dying wish is to be buried in Canaan, in the Caves of the Machpela with his ancestors, Avraham/Sarah, Yitzchak/Rivka, and Leah his wife. Yaakov shares this wish with Yosef. Given his position within Egypt, Yosef would be the most likely of the sons who would be able to arrange this final wish. After sharing his final wish with his beloved son Yosef; Yaakov asks Yosef to swear to him that he will carry out this final wish. To demonstrate one’s “swearing a vow,” Yaakov tells Yosef: Im Nah Matzati Chein M’Einecha If now I have found grace in your eyes Sim Nah Yadcha Tachat Yereichi put, I pray of you, your hand beneath my thigh v’Asita Imadi Chesed v’Emet –,and deal kindly and truthfully with me. However, Yosef does not do as his father asks; Yosef does not put his hand beneath his father’s thigh as an indication of swearing an oath. Rather, Vayomer [Yosef] said, Anochi Eseh Chidvarecha – I personally will do as you said. The text clearly conveys that Yosef did not make a “vow” to Yaakov. Yosef did not put his hand beneath his father’s thigh as an indication of making a vow. Rather his said that he would take care of the matter personally.  Rabeinu Chananel, a tenth-century Egyptian Talmudic commentator, briefly and succinctly explains that the statement: Anochi Eseh M’Atzmi – I will take care of it myself suggests there is no need for swearing an oath. Rav Ovadia Sforno – the 16th Italian Renaissance Torah Commentator adds a more in-depth comment over the fact that Yosef did not at first swear an oath to Yaakov’s final request. Anochi Metzad Atzmi Eseh Kidvarecha B’Chol Chai – As far as I am concerned, I will do as you say with all my power. Yosef’s response suggests a built-in excuse in case he cannot fulfill the dying wish. “I will do everything in my power” suggests that if Yosef entreats Pharaoh to let him bury his father in Canaan, and Pharaoh refuses; then Yosef still fulfilled his father’s final wish since Yosef did everything he could.  Yaakov senses his hesitation and tells Yosef: Hishava Li – Swear to me, Vayishava Lo – and He [Yosef] swore to him [Yaakov]. Yaakov does not want any excuses nor does he want Yosef to have to rely solely upon his own relationship with Pharaoh. Pharaoh will understand a son swearing an oath to his dying father and would never refuse a request of that nature. As a son, as a free person, as the second most powerful person in Egypt, Yosef is only bound by his conscience. He is free to question. The Malbim, the 17th-century commentator explains that Yosef was acting as a son should be bound by filial piety and integrity.

          There are moments where one’s own volition is not enough in fulfilling a final wish. Yaakov makes Yosef swear the oath because he wants Yosef to acknowledge an authority greater than his own. He also wants Yosef to acknowledge an authority greater than Pharaoh. Yaakov wanted Yosef to be completely powerless and act solely on behalf of his father. Under normal circumstances, according to ChaZaL – our Talmudic sages of Blessed Memory, the acceptance of Torah and its commandments are an acknowledgment and acceptance of an external authority greater than ourselves. Intrinsic to that acceptance is a humbling awareness that we are not all that powerful or in control of every aspect of life. As more and more information comes becomes public about the January 6th Capitol Hill attack and attempted coup, it becomes more and more clear, that numerous people who had sworn an oath to the U.S. Constitution, due to political expediency, violated that oath and pledged fealty to authoritarianism. They continue to do so to this day. Unfortunately, history provides many examples from the last century when elected officials violate their oaths, trust wanes, institutions cease to function and authoritarianism wins the day. Hopefully, bringing light and attention to that day will remind elected officials of the importance of their oaths, vows, and keeping their word to support and defend.

Peace 

Rav Yitz

With Its Words Of A Life That Could Almost Be True (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "Black Throated Wind")

Our nineteen-year-old daughter was confronted with a conflict while working as a camp counselor. Camp is scheduled to end two days before she needs to be at her university dormitory in New York City. She needed a week at home in Toronto before heading down to University. So she arranged with the camp to that she would leave four or five days prior to the official conclusion of camp. She and the camp agreed and signed a contract.  When I went to visit her, my wife and our two other children last week, she and I spoke about her early departure. She explained that she felt conflicted because originally she wanted to leave a week before the official conclusion of camp and the camp ‘s original position was that leaving early was unnecessary. Both sides compromised on four days.  As we spoke and she shared with me her frustration, I suggested that she speak to her boss, request an earlier departure date and simultaneously offer to forego being paid the last week. I thought my suggestion was completely reasonable. She gave me a look of shock and incredulity. Then she stated, “I have a contract, I gave my word”.

This Shabbat, we read from the final two Parshiot in Sefer Bemidbar (Book of Numbers): Matot and Masei.  This double Parsha begins with the laws of Nedarim (Vows), and then Bnai Yisroel fights against the Midianites. Moshe rebukes his officers for their collective failure to deal with the Midianite woman since they were the cause of Bnai Yisroel’s plague in the first place. Bnai Yisroel then begins the process of dividing the spoils of this battle. Two tribes, Reuben and Gad request to settle in the land east of the Jordan River and not the land promised by Hashem. Moshe expresses his anger over the request and the two tribes amend their request. Moshe adds a condition and an agreement is reached. The Torah recounts the various stops that Bnai Yisroel made on their journey to Eretz Canaan, the boundaries of Eretz Canaan are clarified, the new leadership is introduced and the cities of refuge of explained and established. Finally, Sefer Bemidbar concludes with a reminder of the laws for tribal inheritance. With all those loose ends neatly sewn up; Bnai Yisroel now sits on the eastern bank of the Jordan River waiting to enter Eretz Canaan. As we conclude the reading, we say Chazak Chazak v’ NitChazeik – From strength to strength we shall go forward in strength.

The beginning of the Parsha, with its focus upon Nedarim v’Shvuot Vows and Oaths, we are being reminded of two vital concepts. First, we are reminded of the Aseret Dibrot, of the Ten Commandments and specifically invoking God’s name in vain.  Ish Ki Yidor Neder L’adoshem When a man takes a vow to Hashem (Num. 30:3). Part of the process by which one makes a vow is to invoke God name. Therefore, a failure to keep the vow or the oath means that one has used God’s name in vain. The repercussions of which are extremely serious.  Second, we learned in Sefer Breishit (Book of Genesis) that speech is holy. Speech is part of the God’s creative process; Vayomer Elokim, Yehi Or, VaYahi Or- And God said: Let there be Light, and there was light. In a sense, speech is perhaps one of the only actions available to us that allow us to emulate God. When we make a vow or an oath, we are acting similar to God. A Neder is a pledge to prohibit oneself from something that that the Torah permits. Or a Neder can be obligating oneself to something that the Torah considers to be optional. Obligating one’s self to contribute to a specific charity would be an example of "obligating that which is optional". Refraining from apples would be an example of prohibiting something that is originally acceptable. In either case, the individual is truly acting like God. The individual is creating Halacha and making his vow and or oath becomes tantamount to Torah. Clearly, this cannot be taken lightly. After all, the severity of the language is a function of the fact that one makes this vow, pledge or oath to God and not to oneself or to another.  Fundamental to our vows with God is a trust in the relationship, trust that it exists, trust that it is desired by both and trust that is must be treated as sacred.

Indeed, my daughter made gave her word regarding her early departure from camp. Yes, she complained. Yes, she shared her anxiety as she wondered how everything would get done before her leaving for university. Yes, she was certainly shocked when I suggested that she calmly and reasonably offer to give up a week of pay in order to leave earlier than the time that had been agreed upon. All that time, as I listened to her, and made suggestions, I thought I was listening to my little girl. After she incredulously told me that she gave me her word and signed a contract’ my little girl reminded me that her mother and I spent the last nineteen years raising her to be a woman that kept her word.  I guess she is our little girl isn’t so little anymore. Indeed, she is a woman of her word.  

Peace,

Rav Yitz  

Promises Made In The Dark Dissolve By Light Of Day (Robert Hunter & Bob Weir -"Easy Answers")

Earlier this week, I woke up turned on my favorite morning news show, sipped my coffee and for the first time in my life I felt torn between my being American and being Jewish. No, my rights, as an American citizen, were not somehow being restricted because I am Jewish. I am still free to practice my religion. However, for the first time, I felt my allegiance being pulled between the American part of me and the Zionist part of me.  The Iran Nuclear Agreement scares me. I have always believed under the current Iranian regime, that a nuclear Iran poses an existential threat to Israel, (and a strategic threat to the North America). So while the West, and particularly the United States negotiated a deal base on strategic issues, Israel always had a very legitimate concern that Iran poses an existential threat.  Yet, this agreement, these words, these series of vows, oaths, promises and covenants mean that we, the West, and (therefore Israel) will now know with greater certainty than before, what the Iranians are doing with their nuclear program. Admittedly, that doesn’t make me feel much better, no does it assuage my concerns for Israel. Why? Like many in Congress, and certainly like many Jews and for that matter may Sunnis including Saudi Arabia, I don’t trust the Iranian Regime. Since there is no trust that the current Regime will keep its word, then the vows, the oaths, the promises don’t mean very much. The sanctity of words, the sanctity of a vow and oath is based entirely upon trust. This agreement, like many agreements of this kind, the 1985 agreement between the U.S. under Reagan’s administration and the former Soviet Union on Gorbachev was based upon Reagan’s idea of “Trust but Verify”. However “Trust but Verify” seems to undermine the importance and the sanctity of the spoken/ written word, vow, oath, and covenant.

This Shabbat, we read from the final two Parshiot in Sefer Bemidbar (Book of Numbers): Matot and Masei.  This double parsha begins with the laws of Nedarim (Vows), and then Bnai Yisroel fights against the Midianites. Moshe rebukes his officers for their collective failure to deal with the Midianite woman since they were the cause of Bnai Yisroel’s plague in the first place. Bnai Yisroel then begins the process of dividing the spoils of this battle. Two tribes, Reuben and Gad request to settle in land east of the Jordan River and not the land promised by Hashem. Moshe expresses his anger over the request and the two tribes amend their request. Moshe adds a condition and an agreement is reached. The Torah recounts the various stops that Bnai Yisroel made on their journey to Eretz Canaan, the boundaries of Eretz Canaan are clarified, the new leadership is introduced and the cities of refuge of explained and established. Finally, Sefer Bemidbar concludes with a reminder of the laws for tribal inheritance. With all those loose ends neatly sewn up; Bnai Yisroel now sits on the eastern bank of the Jordan River waiting to enter Eretz Canaan. As we conclude the reading, we say Chazak Chazak v’ NitChazeik – From strength to strength we shall go forward in strength.

The beginning of the Parsha, with its focus upon Nedarim v’Shvuot Vows and Oaths, we are being reminded of two vital concepts. First we are reminded of the Aseret Dibrot, of the Ten Commandments and specifically invoking God’s name in vain.  Ish Ki Yidor Neder L’adoshem When a man takes a vow to Hashem (Num. 30:3). Part of the process by which one makes a vow is to invoke God name. Therefore, a failure to keep the vow or the oath means that one has used God’s name in vain. The repercussions of which are extremely serious.  Second, we learned in Sefer Breishit (Book of Genesis) that speech is holy. Speech is part of the God’s creative process; Vayomer Elokim, Yehi Or, VaYahi Or- And God said: Let there be Light; and there was light. In a sense, speech is perhaps one of the only actions available to us that allows us to emulate God. When we make a vow or an oath, we are acting similar to God. A Neder is a pledge to prohibit oneself from something that that the Torah permits. Or a Neder can be obligating oneself to something that the Torah considers to be optional. Obligating one’s self to contribute to a specific charity would be an example of "obligating that which is optional". Refraining from apples would be an example of prohibiting something that is originally acceptable. In either case the individual is truly acting like God. The individual is creating Halacha and making his vow and or oath becomes tantamount to Torah. Clearly this cannot be taken lightly. After all, the severity of the language is a function of the fact that one makes this vow, pledge or oath to God and not to ones self or to another.  Fundamental to our vows with God is a trust in the relationship, trust that it exists, trust that it is desired by both and trust that is must be treated as sacred.

Like B’nai Yisroel recounting where they have been to arrive at this point in history, I look back and recount where the relationship between Israel and the United States has been and I wonder how we arrived at this point, a point where Trust and Verify has taken on a completely different meaning. In the world of “Trust but Verify” lies the fact that the side that does the verifying trusts that the side being verified will do everything it can to not keep its oaths, its vows and its promises. If there was truly mutual trust, then obviously there is no need to verify since the word, the vow, the oath is sacred since it is the embodiment of a Godly action: speech.  So now I have to trust that my government will keep its longstanding vow to Israel, to stand with Israel, to protect Israel, to “have Israel’s back” as the President said. I wish there was a way that we could trust but verify those words, those vows and those oaths. Maybe then Israel and the United States can Chazak v’Chazak Nitchazeik – from strength to strength go forward in strength.  

Peace,

Rav Yitz  

Actions Speak Louder Than Words (Otis Redding "Hard To Handle")

          I drove down to Pennsylvania’s Pocono Mountains last week. I was visiting my wife and kids at a summer camp and spending Shabbat with them. It also happened to be our son’s 9^th birthday so it seemed like a nice idea to spend Shabbat and the weekend with him.  The drive was about 6 hours and since I left on Thursday morning, I did have the pre-Sabbath rush to deadline. Pennsylvania is a unique state. There are two large, major league cities. In the south eastern part of the state lies Philadelphia. On the western border with West Virginia and Ohio where the Allegheny, the Monongahela, and the Ohio rivers converge lies Pittsburgh.  In between the two cities are about 310 miles of mountains, rivers, and small towns, including the state capital, Harrisburg. James Carville, the campaign director for former President Bill Clinton, described Pennsylvania’s politics as: Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and in between is Alabama. Needless to say, the camp was located in the “Alabama” part of the state. Because of a small problem with my car I stopped at a mechanics shop to have him look at my car. We began talking and when he asked me what I did for a living, I told him that I was a Rabbi of a congregation in Toronto. His wife, he works with him, as well as the mechanic proceeded to tell me that they were “Christians”, they loved the Jewish People, they were very supportive of the State of Israel, and they give charity to International Fellowship of Christians and Jews, and claim that they are Christian supporters of Rabbi Yechiel Eckstein, the head of this charity. They asked me lots of questions about being a Rabbi and then the conversation turned to their faith and their acceptance of Jesus as the Messiah.  They asked me what I thought of Jesus and I explained that from my perspective and belief, he was a Rabbi, a teacher and his disciples made him into something much more. They then asked me I could accept Jesus as my Moshiach. I politely said, “No”. Then they asked me something fascinating. They asked if it would be possible for me to accept Jesus as the Messiah privately and personally while continuing publicly as a Rabbi. I smiled and said that would be impossible because any acknowledgement and acceptance would be “spiritually out of bounds”. I would not be able to reconcile the personal and the public and my words would be irrelevant.

This week's Torah portion is Ki Teitzei. Moshe continues with listing laws such as: rights of the first born for inheritance, the wayward rebellious son, lost and found property, sending a mother bird from the nest when procuring the egg from the nest, tzitzit, false accusations, forbidden marriages, charging interest, divorce, workers rights to timely payment, honesty in weights and measures and remembering Amalek. That is just to name a few. Quite clearly, all these laws reflect one extremely relevant idea. Judaism is not just a ritualized religion that takes on import three times a year, or only at life cycle events. Judaism is a way of life designed to elevate holiness within us, even when we are engage in activities that may not be construed as particularly holy. While Moshe reminds Bnai Yisroel of the limits of charging interest and the importance and sanctity of vows Moshe makes the following statement.  In Deut 23:24 we read Motzah S'fatecha Tishmor V’Asita Ka’Asher Nadarta L’Adoshem Elokecha You shall observe and carry out what emerges from your lips just as you vowed a voluntary gift to Hashemn your God…. Within the context of the Parshah, the law is talking about taking oaths and vows and upholding those oaths and vows.  Rashi, the 11^th century French commentator explains that Torah is strengthening the importance of vows by using positive language. However the Or HaChaim, the early 18^th century great Moroccan Talmudist and Kabbalist offered a slightly different understanding of the verse. The Or Hachaim explains that verse actually implores us by being careful to not to make a vow unless we are certain that we can fulfill the vow by the designated deadline.  

Our words matter. Vows are inherently public, they involve the individual and God. Vows might involve a third party but a vow at the very least involves two parties: the individual and God.  Also, we could understand the verse as reminding us that any vow suggests  a “voluntary gift” to God. Vows are not only words but are supposed to be backed up by deed and action – the gift. Vows have a time frame which suggest that we could be late in giving our gift to God.  During my conversation with the husband and wife from the “Alabama” part of Pennsylvania, the vow that they asked me to make privately, according to the Or HaChaim, would be not only spiritually impossible for me but Halachically (according to Jewish Law) impossible. I had no intention of fulfilling that vow within my lifetime.  The couple understood and were nothing but polite and appreciative the time we spent talking and more importantly listening to each other.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

The Prophet That Promises Everything New (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "Black Throated Wind"

Recently, our children have started a new form of manipulation with great regularity.  When their respective request for something is denied, they muster as much righteous indignation that they can, and  they say: “But you promised!” Of course they assume that by reminding us that we “promised”, we will honor their request. Interestingly enough, my wife and I always respond the same way, “I never said, ‘I promise.’” They attempt to argue a little more, but with no more righteous indignation, the argument becomes a pout and then the argument concludes.

This Shabbat, we read from the final two Parshiot in Sefer Bemidbar (Book of Numbers): Matot and Masei.  This double parsha begins with the laws of Nedarim (Vows), and then Bnai Yisroel fights against the Midianites. Moshe rebukes his officers for their collective failure to deal with the Midianite woman since they were the cause of Bnai Yisroel’s plague in the first place. Bnai Yisroel then begins the process of dividing the spoils of this battle. Two tribes, Reuben and Gad request to settle in land east of the Jordan River and not the land promised by Hashem. Moshe expresses his anger over the request and the two tribes amend their request. Moshe adds a condition and an agreement is reached. The Torah recounts the various stops that Bnai Yisroel made on their journey to Eretz Canaan, the boundaries of Eretz Canaan are clarified, the new leadership is introduced and the cities of refuge of explained and established. Finally, Sefer Bemidbar concludes with a reminder of the laws for tribal inheritance. With all those loose ends neatly sewn up; Bnai Yisroel now sits on the eastern bank of the Jordan River waiting to enter Eretz Canaan.

The beginning of the Parsha, with its focus upon Nedarim v’Shvuot Vows and Oaths, we are being reminded of two vital concepts. First we are reminded of the Aseret Dibrot, of the Ten Commandments and specifically invoking God’s name in vain.  Ish Ki Yidor Neder L’adoshem When a man takes a vow to Hashem (Num. 30:3). Part of the process by which one makes a vow is to invoke God name. Therefore, a failure to keep the vow or the oath means that one has used God’s name in vain. The repercussions of which are extremely serious.  Second, we learned in Sefer Breishit (Book of Genesis) that speech is holy. Speech is part of the God’s creative process; Vayomer Elokim, Yehi Or, VaYahi Or- And God said: Let there be Light; and there was light. In a sense, speech is perhaps one of the only actions available to us that allows us to emulate God. When we make a vow or an oath, we are acting similar to God. A Neder is a pledge to prohibit oneself from something that that the Torah permits. Or a Neder can be obligating oneself to something that the Torah considers to be optional. Obligating oneself to contribute to a specific charity would be an example of "obligating that which is optional". Refraining from apples would be an example of prohibiting something that is originally acceptable. In either case the individual is truly acting like God. The individual is creating Halacha and making his vow and or oath becomes tantamount to Torah. Clearly this cannot be taken lightly. After all, the severity of the language is a function of the fact that one makes this vow, pledge or oath to God and not to ones self or to another.  Certainly, there needs to be and there are means by which a person can be relinquished from his/her pledge, vow, or oath.

Clearly our children think that when we say yes to their request for some future activity, they equate our affirmative response to a vow or a pledge. I remind them that when I say “yes” to their request, I am really saying that “all things being equal, and if there is time, and if you behave, then ‘yes’". There is no promise, there is no oath and there is no vow.  Sometimes I just simpley respond with a "maybe". My wife and I remind each other that we ought never to promise because a promise to children really is tantamount to invoking God. For children a promise is swearing an oath, or making a vow. It is something that is sacred and holy and ought never to be revoked. As a result  we never promise to do anything our children request. Maybe they will figure it out when they get a little older, maybe.

Peace,

Rav Yitz