Now that our daughter’s Bat Mitzvah
has passed, life has almost returned to normal. Yes Hurricane Sandy has
affected us as several members of our family several friends from the New York
Metropolitan area remain stranded with us for the week. However, despite the
continued tumult and chaos that arises in these types of situations, we have
adamantly tried to get our children back into the normal groove of their
everyday lives and everyday schedules. This has been no easy task. They would
prefer to be socializing with family and friends. With the fear of missing out
on something, getting them to sit down and do homework has been a little more
challenging. With the fear of missing out on something, getting them to bed has
been a little more challenging. Because we have guests staying with us, our
kids are astute enough to realize that we may be a bit more permissive than we
ordinarily are. So, they try to push some of the limits, as well they should. In these circumstances, I tend to play the Big
Meany and enforce bedtime and schedules. Yes, this leads to some conflict between
me and my children. However it also leads to conflict within me. Sure, I would
love to let them stay up with cousins, aunts, uncles and friends. Absolutely,
these are not ordinary circumstances, so what is the big deal if they stay up
late, go to school a little late, and miss an extra-curricular activity? The
big deal is that I would be selfish to keep them up and not have them on their
schedule.
This week’s Parsha is Vayeira.
The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing
from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim,
hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people
that must be found in S’dom and Amorrah in order to prevent its destruction.
The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the
two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the
parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results
when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns
to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak),
the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his
concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.While the narrative highlights
Avraham’s faith in God, and certainly a man worthy of receiving God’s covenant;
the Parsha is replete with parent’s ill treatment of children. Avraham was
willing to offer his son Yitzchak as a way of indicating his faith in God. Lot,
(Avraham’s nephew) was willing to give up his daughter to the Sodomite mob in
order to protect his two guests: the visiting angels. Avraham and Lot’s
behavior, from a parental standpoint, is reprehensible. Certainly Lot’s
behavior is more troubling since his misplaced and extreme display of
hospitality came at the expense of voluntarily offering his daughters as
replacements for the mobs desire for the guests.
However, as troubling as these
examples of negligent behavior are, even more troubling is Hagar’s behavior.
Upon her and her son’s banishment from Avraham’s camp are the six verses that
describe how Hagar and Ishmael are saved.
The water runs out and Hagar places Ishmael in the shade beneath a tree.
VaTeilech VaTeishev Lah Mi’Neged
Harcheik Kimtachavi Keshet Ki Amrah Al Ereh B’Mot HaYeled Va’Teishev MiNeged
VaTisah Et Kolah VaTeivk – She went
and sat herself down at a distance, some bowshot away, for she said, “Let me
not see the death of the child.” And she sat at a distance, lifted her voice
and wept (Gen. 21:16). On the one hand we can understand the mother unable
to deal with the pain of watching her son die. Rashi explains that the term Va’Teishev MiNeged is mentioned twice.
It suggests Keivan Sh’Karav LaMut Hosifa
l’Hitracheik that she moved even further away from her son. As his moaning
and sighing and crying intensified, she tried to move further and further out
of earshot because she was so uncomfortable. Rather than setting aside her
discomfort and caring for her dying son, she all but abandoned him. The text
then tells us, Va’Yishmah Elokim et Kol
HaNa’ar – and God heard the cry of
the youth (Gen. 21:17). God did not respond to Hagar’s outcry and her
anguish. God responded to the child. Ishmael’s survival was not due to the
merit of his mother, but rather because of the merit of his father.
Parenting is no easy task. Quite
often it is thankless. As parents we are constantly forced to make choices.
Some of our choices are truly tests in our faith in God. Some of our choices
leave us feeling that we are stuck between choosing the between “bad” and
“worse”. However by abdicating our responsibility, by walking away from our
responsibilities and choices, by walking away from comforting our children, it
seems that we are fundamentally neglecting our children. As parents we have a
responsibility to our children, to pass along morals, values, and Torah. As
parents we have the responsibility of passing along life to our children, both
physical as well as spiritual. So, I put our kids to bed, and I see how tired
they are. They realize how tired they are. They understand that in my own way,
I care very deeply about their health and welfare. While they may be upset with
me, I tell them that I love them, and they tell me the same.
Peace,
Rav Yitz
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