Our seventeen year old has come
down with sickness that strikes students in their final year of High School and
University. This sickness is extremely prevalent in the United States. All of
our daughter’s U.S. summer camp friends are coming down with this. I remember
having an awful case of it when I was a high school senior. From what I can
tell, it is also quite prevalent here in Toronto. The sickness is called “Senior-itis”.
It strikes students who are in their final year and are ready to move onto to
the next chapter. “Senior-itis” and it affects high school seniors (students in
their final year of high school); and it has one glaring symptomatic difference
from the “Senior-itis” that strikes college/university seniors. "Senior-itis" for
a college/university senior is more about getting on with the next chapter of
life, whether it be graduate school or work.
However "Senior-itis" that strikes the High School student is marked by a
keen and profound desire to leave home. A college/university senior has already
left home. High School senior can’t stand being home. There is an expectation of
“going away” for school. In some cases it means going far away and sometimes it
may mean being only an hour away. The desire to get out of the parents’ home is
so powerful, that life with the 12th grader can be quite strained.
Suddenly rules are questioned, parents are considered to be overbearing and
impossible to deal with. The 12th grader walks around frequently
aggravated and muttering under his/her breath: “I can’t wait to get out of
here.” While all this is perfectly normal and natural, it does carry one
enormous risk. It is much safer to have "Senior-itis" when the senior has already
been accepted to University or at least a gap year program. Why? "Senior-itis"
also affects the 12th grader’s attitude towards school. "Senior-itis"
is most dangerous when the student has not yet been accepted because there is
still the pressure to academically succeed and apply, all the while dealing
with the overbearing desire to leave home.
One should keep in mind that depending on the behavior of the 12th
grader, the symptoms can spread. Not only to younger siblings but more importantly,
it can spread to us parents. The more the 12th grader becomes
impossible; the more the parents can’t wait for the child to get accepted,
graduate high school and actually leave. Obviously some parents may be more
affected than others. In our home for example, I have become quite vulnerable
to our 12th graders’ case of "Senior-itis". Like her, I also can’t wait
for her to leave. However, her mother seems completely invulnerable and can’t
stand the idea that she wants to leave.
This week’s Parsha offers an
excellent example of the first steps towards independence, the natural need for
re-assurance, and mutual trust and faith between a parent and child. Many
events occur in Parshat Lech Lecha. Included among these are: Abram leaving his
birthplace, traveling down to Egypt and becoming wealthy, separating from Lot,
his brother’s son and last blood relative, fight in a battle and killing those
men responsible for territorial instability, fathering a son by his wife’s
handmaid (with his wife’s approval), and finally circumcising himself at age 99
and all the males in his household, including his son Ishmael.
In this Parsha, so many things happen to Avram. He is
forever running ahead of God; He is forever living life and making decisions.
Avram is forever wondering if he is indeed “doing the right thing”. Like any good parent, God allows Avram to
“run ahead”, be independent, and still offer the necessary parental reassurance.
Noach’s relationship was very different
than Avraham’s. Noach walked with God suggesting an image of a parent holding a
baby’s hands as he/she learns to walk. Regarding
Avram, the Torah says: “And the Lord
appeared before Avram and said- Ani
El Shaddai Hithaleich Lefanai Veheyei Tamim - I am El Shaddai; walk before Me and be perfect (17:1). Avram is
spiritually more evolved; he can walk ahead. However even when we allow our
children to run ahead of us, or give them more and more independence, we still
reassure them that we are part of their lives, and everything will work itself
out. Six times Avram receives fatherly assurance in the form of a covenant.
Ironically, the first time we read of this assurance is immediately following
Avram’s father’s death. God tells Avram to leave his birthplace and he will
become a great nation (12:2). God
reassures Avram a second time while Avram, literally, walks ahead of God and
keeps going until God tells him where to stop. God re-iterates his covenant to
Avram (12:7), thereby reassuring Avram. God reassures Avram after he made the
difficult decision of separating from the last vestiges of his family of
origin, Lot (his brother’s son). By re-iterating his covenant (13:14), God
reassures Avram that although the decision was painful, it was correct. After
worrying whether he behaved appropriately by fighting against the five kings,
God re-iterates and reassures Avram a fourth time (15:4). Avram receives
re-assurance for a fifth time after he drives away the birds of prey that
ruined the sacrifice he made to God (15:13). Avram’s sixth reassurance occurs
after making the difficult decision of sending away his first born son Ishmael.
Avram walks ahead of God knowing
that God is always around to re-assure him. Ultimately this type of
relationship breeds a strong sense of security, trust and faith in the parent
figure. Faith breeds faith and trust breeds trust. Certainly, our 12th
grade daughter might think that she is ready to begin her own version of Lech
Lecha. Yet about some things, she still needs to walk with her parents and,
believe it or not, still wants to walk with her parents. About other things,
her frustration and aggravation with us is merely an expression of the fact
that she wants to walk on ahead of us. In both instances, she is telling us
about her level of self-confidence to handle the first steps of her path and
her lifelong journey. One thing is for
sure, as parents, we never stop trying to infuse and teach her so that way when
she does walk on ahead, she remains grounded in her values and the lessons that
she learned. Hopefully as she gets older and she is well on her journey her
aggravation with her parents will diminish and she will appreciate the wisdom
that we have given her.
Peace,
Rav
Yitz
No comments:
Post a Comment