Walk Into Splintered Sunlight; Inch Your Way Through Dead Dreams To Another Land (Robert Hunter & Phil Lesh - "Box Of Rain")

Our seventeen year old has come down with a sickness that strikes students in their final year of High School and University. It became particularly acute this past week as my daughter and I attended University Night at her high school. About a dozen universities made presentations to parents and students suffering from the disease known as “Senioritis”. Judging from how well attended University Night was; it is apparent that “Senioritis” is quite prevalent in our daughter's class. “Senioritis” tends to strike high school students in their final year, and it is marked by a keen and profound desire to leave home. Whether the desire is to go away for a gap year and return home for university, or to actually leave for a four-year university; there is an expectation of “going away”, or embarking on a journey. In some cases, it means going far away, and in some cases, it may mean being only an hour away. The desire to get out of the parents’ home is so powerful, that life with the 12^th grader can be quite strained. When suffering from “Senioritis”, long-established family rules are questioned, parents are considered to be overbearing and impossible to deal with. The 12^th grader walks around frequently aggravated and muttering under his/her breath: “I can’t wait to get out of here.” Senioritis is most dangerous when the student has not yet been accepted to a college/university or gap year program because of the pressure to academically succeed and apply remains. All the while, the student still struggles with the profound and overbearing desire to finally leave high school. 

This week’s Parsha offers an excellent example of the first steps towards independence, the natural need for re-assurance, and mutual trust and faith between a parent and child. Many events occur in Parshat Lech Lecha. Included among these are: Abram leaving his birthplace, traveling down to Egypt and becoming wealthy, separating from Lot, his brother’s son and last blood relative, fight in a battle and killing those men responsible for territorial instability, fathering a son by his wife’s handmaid (with his wife’s approval), and finally circumcising himself at age 99 and all the males in his household, including his son Ishmael.

In this Parsha, so many things happen to Avram. He is forever running ahead of God; He is forever living life and making decisions. Avram is forever wondering if he is indeed “doing the right thing”.  Like any good parent, God allows Avram to “run ahead”, be independent, and still offer the necessary parental reassurance.  Noach’s relationship was very different than Avraham’s. Noach walked with God suggesting an image of a parent holding a baby’s hands as he/she learns to walk.  Regarding Avram, the Torah says: “And the Lord appeared before Avram and said- Ani El Shaddai Hithaleich Lefanai Veheyei Tamim - I am El Shaddai; walk before Me and be perfect (17:1). Avram is spiritually more evolved; he can walk ahead. However, even when we allow our children to run ahead of us, or give them more and more independence, we still reassure them that we are part of their lives, and everything will work itself out. Six times Avram receives fatherly assurance in the form of a covenant. Ironically, the first time we read of this assurance is immediately following Avram’s father’s death. God tells Avram to leave his birthplace and he will become a great nation (12:2).  God reassures Avram a second time while Avram, literally, walks ahead of God and keeps going until God tells him where to stop. God reiterates his covenant to Avram (12:7), thereby reassuring Avram. God reassures Avram after he made the difficult decision of separating from the last vestiges of his family of origin, Lot (his brother’s son). By re-iterating his covenant (13:14), God reassures Avram that although the decision was painful, it was correct. After worrying whether he behaved appropriately by fighting against the five kings, God re-iterates and reassures Avram a fourth time (15:4). Avram receives re-assurance a fifth time after he drives away the birds of prey that ruined the sacrifice he made to God (15:13). Avram’s sixth reassurance occurs after making the difficult decision of sending away his firstborn son Ishmael.      

Avram walks ahead of God knowing that God is always around to reassure him. Ultimately this type of relationship breeds a strong sense of security, trust, and faith in the parent figure. Faith breeds more faith and trust breeds more trust. Certainly, our 12th-grade daughter might think that she is ready to begin her own version of Lech Lecha. Yet about some things, she still needs to walk with her parents and, believe it or not, still wants to walk with her parents. About other things, her frustration and aggravation with us is merely an expression of the fact that she wants to walk on ahead of us. In those cases, it is quite clear that her “Senioritis” has spread to us because there are moments that we wish she would walk on ahead of us. However, we are acutely aware that in both instances, she is expressing her level of self-confidence to handle the first steps of her own life's path and her lifelong journey.  One thing is for sure, we never stop trying to infuse and teach her so that way when she does walk on ahead, she remains grounded in her values and the lessons that we instilled. Hopefully, as she gets older and well on her journey, her aggravation with her parents will diminish and she will appreciate the wisdom her mother and I gave her. However, I won’t hold my breath.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Wildflower Seed On The Sand And Stone; May The Four Winds Blow You Safely Home (Robert Hunter, Bill Kreutzman,& Jerry Garcia - "Franklin's Tower")

Well, it’s Thanksgiving in the United States. Families return home in an attempt to share a few days together, a sumptuous Holiday meal together, and of course family dysfunction together. Obviously, in order for the children to return home for what winds up being dysfunctional family reunions, they must first leave home. So, in our home, we are going through the long difficult process of preparing for our 17-year-old to leave home. As the very common process continues to unfold in our home; I had one of those Sit-Com father moments this week. You know the moment. The wise-cracking, know it all, teenage daughter looks at her father as if he is the most dim-witted, short-sighted, fool on the planet. There I was, in the kitchen, eating my dinner, minding my own business. Our seventeen year old daughter, who firmly believes that neither her mother nor I could possibly understand what she goes through because after all, we were never seventeen, never seniors in high school, never had burning desire to leave home with mixed with the trepidation of leaving home, and never thought that our own parents were as clueless and out of touch as our daughter thinks we are. So after our daughter expressed her aggravation with her mother; I committed the sin of looking up and smiling because she sounded like a typical 17-year-old, with typical 17-year-old anxiety about the questions concerning her gap year and her four years at college/university. Boy did she let me have it! She looked incredulously, sneered and told me that I was annoying and she “couldn’t wait to get out of this house.” I suppose if I was the saintly good father, I would have let it pass or made a comment about how much we will miss her when she does finally leave. However, I am not such a saintly father. So I looked up from my dinner, I smiled and said that “I can’t wait either!”. Needless to say, my comment, which I thought was particularly poignant and thoughtful, didn’t go over very well with daughter or mother. Yet, as part of our daughter’s continued spiritual, emotional and intellectual development, it is important that she leaves home. It is important that the values that we instilled in her, become her values, the code with which we raised her becomes her code, and the rules that we instituted to govern her life becomes the rules by which she governs her own life.

This week we read from Parshat VaYeitzeh- a Parsha that is replete with the Holiday Themes of Thanksgiving and “Home for the Holidays”. The focus of the narrative is upon Yaakov. He has left his mother, Rivkah, and his father Yitzchak, for the first time. In fleeing his brother Esav, Yaakov now embarks on a new phase of his life. Yaakov will meet his future wives, his cousins Leah and Rachel. He will work for his father in- law, Lavan, and he will have children. The narrative focuses on Yaakov life from young adulthood to becoming a responsible father, earning a living and all the trials, tribulation, and tensions of career and family. As Yaakov makes his way in life, hopefully, he will learn more about himself. With each event, with each adventure, Yaakov has an opportunity to become better connected, better connected to himself, and better connected to a covenant that his father bequeathed to him.

Yaakov needs to have his own experiences, and live his own life before he is capable of truly offering thanks and being thankful. After Yaakov dreams of the ladder, he has a revelatory experience. V’hinei Adonai Nitzav Alav, Vayomer: Ani Adonai Elohei Avraham Avicha v’Elohei Yitzchak – and behold Hashem stood above it and said: I am Hashem the God of Abraham your father, and the God of Yitzchak (Gen.28:13). However, God does not introduce himself as “your God” but rather the God of his Avraham and Yitzchak. God appreciates the fact that any sense of a relationship that exists between Yaakov and God is merely a function of Yaakov’s father and grandfather. Although he received a blessing upon fleeing from his home, Yaakov has not experienced his own narrative. He doesn’t share a common narrative with his father or grandfather. Yaakov does not yet have his own connection to God and the covenant. Rather he must develop his connection. Va’yidar Yaakov Neder Leimor: Im Yiheyeh Elohim Imadi, v’Shamrani b’Derech Hazeh Asher Anochi Holeich, v’Natan Li Lechem Le’Echol v’Beged Lilbosh, V’Shavti B’shalom El Beit Avi, V’hayah HaShem Li Leilohim – And Yaakov vowed a vow saying: if the God will stand with me, and guard me on this way that I go, and give me bread to eat and clothing to wear, and returns me in peace to my father’s home, then Hashem will be my God. (Gen 28:20-21).  Yaakov has now laid out the conditions by which Yaakov and God will have their own unique connection, based upon a common narrative that he shares with his father and grandfather. Like his grandfather Avraham who left home (Parsha Lech Lecha) and  developed his own relationship with God, and like his father Yitzchak who had the ties to home severed (see the Akedah/Binding of Isaac); Yaakov innately understands that he needs to leave home and he needs to have the tools and strength to be able to return home. Only after experiencing exile and returning home does Yaakov share enough common experiences with his father and grandfather that he would feel connected to the Covenant and to his family.

Part of the Thanksgiving experience is the idea that Americans return “home” for Thanksgiving. As we sit down to our family’s Thanksgiving meal, we all understand that future Thanksgivings will be different. It was different for my parents when I left home, only to return, first as a single man, then as a married man, then as a father. It will be different for me and my wife. Yes, our eldest has been returning home for Thanksgiving for ten years, but now, our next child will also be returning home for all future Thanksgivings. So yes, “I can’t wait either” for her to leave, not because I won’t miss her, not because she is an annoying teenager, but because I know that she needs to have her own covenant. I know that she needs to take ownership of the values, code, and rules which we tried to instill.  Maybe when she returns home next year she won’t think I’m such a dim-witted clueless father.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Hey, Now, Bird, Wouldn't You Rather Die Than Walk This World When You're Born To Fly? (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Liberty")

Our seventeen year old has come down with sickness that strikes students in their final year of High School and University. This sickness is extremely prevalent in the United States. All of our daughter’s U.S. summer camp friends are coming down with this. I remember having an awful case of it when I was a high school senior. From what I can tell, it is also quite prevalent here in Toronto. The sickness is called “Senior-itis”. It strikes students who are in their final year and are ready to move onto to the next chapter. “Senior-itis” and it affects high school seniors (students in their final year of high school); and it has one glaring symptomatic difference from the “Senior-itis” that strikes college/university seniors. "Senior-itis" for a college/university senior is more about getting on with the next chapter of life, whether it be graduate school or work.  However "Senior-itis" that strikes the High School student is marked by a keen and profound desire to leave home. A college/university senior has already left home. High School senior can’t stand being home. There is an expectation of “going away” for school. In some cases it means going far away and sometimes it may mean being only an hour away. The desire to get out of the parents’ home is so powerful, that life with the 12^th grader can be quite strained. Suddenly rules are questioned, parents are considered to be overbearing and impossible to deal with. The 12^th grader walks around frequently aggravated and muttering under his/her breath: “I can’t wait to get out of here.” While all this is perfectly normal and natural, it does carry one enormous risk. It is much safer to have "Senior-itis" when the senior has already been accepted to University or at least a gap year program. Why? "Senior-itis" also affects the 12^th grader’s attitude towards school. "Senior-itis" is most dangerous when the student has not yet been accepted because there is still the pressure to academically succeed and apply, all the while dealing with the overbearing desire to leave home.  One should keep in mind that depending on the behavior of the 12^th grader, the symptoms can spread. Not only to younger siblings but more importantly, it can spread to us parents. The more the 12^th grader becomes impossible; the more the parents can’t wait for the child to get accepted, graduate high school and actually leave. Obviously some parents may be more affected than others. In our home for example, I have become quite vulnerable to our 12^th graders’ case of "Senior-itis". Like her, I also can’t wait for her to leave. However, her mother seems completely invulnerable and can’t stand the idea that she wants to leave.

This week’s Parsha offers an excellent example of the first steps towards independence, the natural need for re-assurance, and mutual trust and faith between a parent and child. Many events occur in Parshat Lech Lecha. Included among these are: Abram leaving his birthplace, traveling down to Egypt and becoming wealthy, separating from Lot, his brother’s son and last blood relative, fight in a battle and killing those men responsible for territorial instability, fathering a son by his wife’s handmaid (with his wife’s approval), and finally circumcising himself at age 99 and all the males in his household, including his son Ishmael.

In this Parsha, so many things happen to Avram. He is forever running ahead of God; He is forever living life and making decisions. Avram is forever wondering if he is indeed “doing the right thing”.  Like any good parent, God allows Avram to “run ahead”, be independent, and still offer the necessary parental reassurance.  Noach’s relationship was very different than Avraham’s. Noach walked with God suggesting an image of a parent holding a baby’s hands as he/she learns to walk.  Regarding Avram, the Torah says: “And the Lord appeared before Avram and said- Ani El Shaddai Hithaleich Lefanai Veheyei Tamim - I am El Shaddai; walk before Me and be perfect (17:1). Avram is spiritually more evolved; he can walk ahead. However even when we allow our children to run ahead of us, or give them more and more independence, we still reassure them that we are part of their lives, and everything will work itself out. Six times Avram receives fatherly assurance in the form of a covenant. Ironically, the first time we read of this assurance is immediately following Avram’s father’s death. God tells Avram to leave his birthplace and he will become a great nation (12:2).  God reassures Avram a second time while Avram, literally, walks ahead of God and keeps going until God tells him where to stop. God re-iterates his covenant to Avram (12:7), thereby reassuring Avram. God reassures Avram after he made the difficult decision of separating from the last vestiges of his family of origin, Lot (his brother’s son). By re-iterating his covenant (13:14), God reassures Avram that although the decision was painful, it was correct. After worrying whether he behaved appropriately by fighting against the five kings, God re-iterates and reassures Avram a fourth time (15:4). Avram receives re-assurance for a fifth time after he drives away the birds of prey that ruined the sacrifice he made to God (15:13). Avram’s sixth reassurance occurs after making the difficult decision of sending away his first born son Ishmael.      

Avram walks ahead of God knowing that God is always around to re-assure him. Ultimately this type of relationship breeds a strong sense of security, trust and faith in the parent figure. Faith breeds faith and trust breeds trust. Certainly, our 12^th grade daughter might think that she is ready to begin her own version of Lech Lecha. Yet about some things, she still needs to walk with her parents and, believe it or not, still wants to walk with her parents. About other things, her frustration and aggravation with us is merely an expression of the fact that she wants to walk on ahead of us. In both instances, she is telling us about her level of self-confidence to handle the first steps of her path and her lifelong journey.  One thing is for sure, as parents, we never stop trying to infuse and teach her so that way when she does walk on ahead, she remains grounded in her values and the lessons that she learned. Hopefully as she gets older and she is well on her journey her aggravation with her parents will diminish and she will appreciate the wisdom that we have given her.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Faring Thee Well Now; Let Your Life Proceed By Its Own Designs (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "Cassidy")

Well no sooner than the school year starts and the Jewish Holidays are upon us. With kids in day school, the holidays mean a few days of school and a few days off from school between now and the middle of October. With a daughter in Grade 12 (12^th grade if you speak American), we have entered a new realm of anxiety. Our daughter discovered it late last week. We all know it as the future. Yes, late last week, it dawned on our daughter that she actually had to deal with and make plans for the future. She knows that she has to apply to colleges and universities, she wants to take a gap year in Israel, so she needs to decide on a program that fits her, her interests and the type of learning she wants to engage in. If she is planning on going to university/college in the United States she has to take standardized tests: SAT’s or ACT’s. Late last week, she was overtired, she was stressed about a biology assignment and now the subject of standardized tests came up. She became very upset, angry and didn’t want to listen to anyone or any advice. She knew it all, didn’t like any of the choices and at that moment decided that the only place she was going to the next four years was our basement.  A few days later she actually had a good night’s sleep. That afternoon, a completely different daughter peeked her head outside and saw that I was waking up from a nap. She wanted to talk. She wanted to talk about her future. She wanted to discuss a strategy of how to determine which Israel program she wants to go on. She wanted to discuss colleges and universities in the U.S. or Canada. She wanted to discuss standardized tests. I suggested that we limit the discussion to the Province of Ontario, the Northeast United States where there is a vibrant Jewish student population. We talked. She listened as did I. I assume there was anxiety but suddenly it didn’t cause paralysis; instead she seemed excited about the future.

This Shabbat, the Shabbat between Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur, is known as Shabbat Shuva, The Shabbat of Return. We read from Parshat Ha’Azinu.  The Parsha is poetry, a song that God had commanded Moshe to compose in the previous Parsha, VaYeleich. Composing this song was the final deed that God commanded Moshe. The song is the final prophecy that God told Moshe in the previous Parsha, VaYeilech.  As a song, it is not contain the most pleasant of lyrics, and it is not particular uplifting or inspiration. The song does not offer such an optimistic future.  Rather, Moshe invokes Heaven and Earth to offer testimony to God’s prophecy and future punishment against his people.  Throughout Sefer Devarim, Deuteronomy, Moshe has taught the law, and inspired Bnai Yisroel to choose fidelity to God and God’s Torah.  Choosing to follow would result in a reward. Choosing not to follow would result in a punishment. Now, during the final moments of Moshe Rabeinu’s life, the song suggests neither choice nor the results of that choice. Instead we are told that we will choose badly and that we will be punished.  There is nothing explicit within the song that suggests or even offers a means by which we are able to do Tshuva (repent) and ultimately return to God. While intellectually, Moshe has taught that concept to Bnai Yisroel; here in the song that possibility is not explicit.

However when the song is complete, Moshe speaks his word to Bnai Yisroel. His words offer a sense of hope, a sense of inspiration. He reminds Bnai Yisroel that even when they have grown distant from God, even though the resulting punishment will be brutal; there is still a measure of hope, hope for the next generation.  SImu Levavchem L’Chol Hadvarim Asher Anochi Mei’id Bachem Hayom, Asher T’Tzavoom et Bnaichem Lishmor La’Asot et Kol Divrei HaTorah Ha’Zot -  Apply your hearts to all the words that I Testify against you today, with which you are to instruct your children, to be careful to perform all the words of this Torah.  Ki Lo Davar Reik Hu Mikem Ki Hu Chayeichem Uvadavar HaZeh Ta’Arichu Yamim – for it is not an empty thing for you, for it is your life, and through this matter shall you prolong your days on the Land to which you cross the Jordan to possess it. In Moshe’s final moments, he reminds us that the key to our survival is to teach Torah to our children. Yes, according to the song, we will grow distant from God, yes we will engage in idolatry. Yes we will be punishment. However there will always be hope for the next generation if they are educated in such a manner that when it comes time for them to make a choice; they choose wisely, they choose God’s Torah.  Moshe reminds his people that the Torah is not empty. Rashi reminds us that if we find Torah to be empty and unsatisfying then the fault lies with us, Mikem.

             While the conversation with my daughter lasted only about 30 minutes. It seemed positive or at least it will be positive until the anxiety becomes overwhelming again.  For now at least, for the past few days, she doesn’t seem to be dreading the future. No she doesn’t know specifically which program for her gap year, no she hasn’t been accepted nor has she even applied to colleges and universities. In fact, she sat down and began looking at the ACT examination, and began preparing for that standardized exam. However, she understands that there are things that she has to do, things she has to find out about, information she needs to obtain and a strategy that she needs to follow in order to achieve her five year future. She understand that if she engages in this process with an open heart and positive attitude; then her future won’t be such an empty thing.

Gmar Chatima Tova – May we all be sealed in the Book of Life,

Peace,

Rav Yitz