Like A Child She Is Pure, She Is Not To Blame (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Help Is On The Way"

           With two daughters attending university, a daughter well into her career and supporting herself, and a son in 12th grade filling out university applications, I admit that there are moments that I don’t feel very much like a father of four, that I am “coasting” through fatherhood. After all,  the demands of fatherhood have changed since they were adolescents. However, recently, and all at once, the demands of fatherhood came crashing down upon me. Over the course of 48 hours, I had to spend a few hours helping a daughter with an essay for art history. I had to listen to another daughter share her angst and concern about a relationship and then I had to offer advice. Then later that same night I helped our son with his university application as well as engaged in a heated discussion with him regarding an online class that he was taking for extra credit in which he has procrastinated for months. Then finally, a brief conversation with my eldest daughter about her life. Needless to say, I was emotionally drained. Oh, how I almost yearned for those days when bedtime was early, the homework was simple, and the emotional issues much less fraught.  

           This week’s Parsha is VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s firstborn son and his concubine), and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac. While the narrative highlights Avraham’s faith in God, and certainly a man worthy of receiving God’s covenant; the Parsha is replete with a parent’s ill-treatment of a child. Avraham was willing to offer his son Yitzchak as a way of indicating his faith in God. He banished his son Ishmael into the wilderness. Certainly, it is possible to evaluate Avraham’s behavior as a father as a bit negligent, to say the least, and perhaps abusive.

        Yet the Torah struggles with portraying Avraham’s sons as just that, sons. When we read the text, we view Yitzchak and Ishmael as little boys, helpless victims in Avraham’s displays of faith. We easily forget that Yitzchak was thirty-seven years old when Avraham was asked to make him an offering to God. Ishmael’s status changes throughout the Parsha. His status changes within one narrative from verse to verse.  VaYeira HaDavar M’Ode B’Einei Avraham Al Odot B’no. VaYomer Elokim El Avraham Al Yeira B’Einecha AL HaNa’Ar v’Al Amatecha – The matter greatly distressed Avraham regarding his son. So God said to Avraham, “be not distressed over the (HaNa’ar) youth or your slave woman. (21:11-12). VaYitein El Hagar Sam Al Shichmah V’Et HaYeled V’Yishalcheha VaTeileich BaTeita B’Midbar B’Eir Shava -  He placed them on her should along with the Yeled (the boy), and sent her off… (Gen. 21:14).  Why does the text easily and seemingly so arbitrarily switch between the use of (Yeled) the boy and the (Na’Ar)  youth? The Chatam Sofer, Rabbi Moshe Schreiber, a late 18th early 19th-century German commentator and Halachist, points out that the term Na’ar (Youth) is used when Ishmael is home living with Avraham, and the term Yeled (boy/child) is used when Ishmael is in the wilderness cut off from his father’s influence.  A Na’Ar (a youth) was held to the same high standards that Avraham held for himself and his household. This means that as a Na’Ar, Ishmael embodied and lived up to the expectations of Avraham’s teachings. As Yeled (a boy), Ishmael was not held to the same high exacting standard of behavior and belief nor was he capable.

           Parenting is no easy task. Quite often it is thankless. As parents, we are constantly forced to make choices. Some of our choices are true tests in our faith in God. Some of our choices leave us feeling that we are stuck between choosing between “bad” and “worse”. Some of our choices mean that we need to know when the child is ready to transition from one stage of life to the next, from “baby” to “toddler”, from “teen” to “adult”. As parents we have a responsibility to our children, to pass along morals, values, and Torah. As parents, we also have the responsibility to determine how much responsibility our kids can handle as they make their way within the developmental process. As a result, we need to see our children as they are and not how we wish them to be. Only then can we help them transition from one stage of life to the next.

 Peace,
Rav Yitz 

All The Endless Ruins Of The Past Must Stay Behind (Jerry Garcia - "The Cream Puff War")

           This week seems to have lasted much longer than seven days. From Tuesday until Friday, we have had the news listening to and watching the results of the U.S. elections. Yes, as citizens, we had a vested interest. We all voted. Having a daughter run a campaign for a congressional seat in Texas also gave us a personal interest in the outcome. As we watched, it became clear that the U.S. is horribly divided. One political talking head commented that there really are two nations that are south of the Canadian border. It seems that these “two Americas” have nothing in common except for one thing. Both are full of fear. One America is scared of the future, scared of the changing demography, scared that the current alienation that they sense will grow worse. This America perceives that their world was better in 1955 than it could ever be in 2025. The other America fears the present. They fear Covid19, they fear systemic racism, they fear the continued erosion of democratic institutions and America’s values. They look towards the future with hope, possibility, the see the future as aspirational, as a means to “build a more perfect union.”

          This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s firstborn son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac. 

          During these adventures, during these tests, it is fascinating to watch Avraham deal with each new issue, each new tension, and arrive at solutions. Avraham always looks forward. Avraham looked forward, he looked towards the horizon towards Sodom and Gomorrah while God talked to Avraham about his intention to destroy those cities. When he is commanded to banish Hagar and Ishmael, Avraham looks forward. He looked towards the horizon, in the direction they were heading, and provided them food and water in order to survive the journey. When asked to sacrifice his son, Isaac, Avraham doesn’t look back, he looks forward, towards the mountain where the sacrifice will supposedly occur. Compare this with Lot and his family (Gen 19:12-26). Three times the angels tell Lot that he and his family must leave. First, Lot tells his children to leave, although there is no indication that Lot and his wife intent to go. The second time, the two angels lead Lot, his wife, and children out, but Lot still can’t just leave! VaYitmama – still he lingered (Gen 19:16). Even when God’s messengers grab Lot, his wife, and his daughters by the hands and led them out of the city VaYomer Himaleit Al Nafshecha Al Tabit Acharecha v’Al Taamod B’Chol HaKikar Hahara Himaleit pen Tisafeh- Flee for your life! Do not look behind you nor stop anywhere in all the plain; flee to the mount lest you be swept away (Gen 19:17). Lot can’t just move on. He stays to stay and negotiate, figuring he can flee to a nearby city.  Finally, they begin making their way towards the alternative destination VeTabeit Ishto M’Acharav Vathi  Ntziv Melach  But His wife looked back and she became a pillar of salt (Gen. 19:26) Ramban explains that she looked back to make sure her daughters were following. What parent would flee and have the children (little or young adult) behind them? A parent would either have the children in front of them or be holding their hand while fleeing. So what other reason was there to turn around. Like her husband, who had such a difficult time moving forward, Lot’s wife wants to turn around one last time in order to see life and the world she was leaving. She was merely emulating Lot. However, she did it “one more time”. From the Angels’ perspective, enough was enough. 

          Sometimes moving forward can be very difficult. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown can be overwhelming. Sometimes there is comfort looking back towards the past. However, one must avoid being enslaved by the past or romanticize the past to the point where the past is only a myth. Doing so endangers an individual’s welfare and it endangers a nation’s welfare. For Lot’s wife, that simple glance over her shoulder symbolized not only a lack of faith in the future, it symbolized her preference for the perceived idealized life that she was leaving behind. A nation struggles with itself, nearly half looking back at a past built upon myth, not fact, fearful of the horizon fearful of a future.  Elections are very similar to  Lot’s wife. Some vote in elections looking towards the horizon with hope and anticipation of a better possibility, and some vote in elections fearful of the future and prefer the life of a bygone time. Eventually, however, we know that time continues to move forward.  

Peace,

Rav Yitz

So Come Walking In The Sun With Me My Little One (Dave Parker & Jerry Garcia - "The Only Time Is Now")

One of the things we parents vow is to avoid repeating the negative experiences of our childhood with our children. The other thing we parents vow is to share our positive childhood experiences with our children. Perhaps that is why I have taken my kids to see my favorite band. Perhaps that is why I enjoy playing golf with my son, after all, I have many positive memories and experiences playing golf with my father and grandfather. Among the other positive experiences, I had with my father was walking to Shul with him on Shabbat. From the time of my Bar Mitzvah until I was in my mid-thirties when my parents lived near their shul when I was in their home, I walked to shul with my father. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we didn’t. However, just walking with him was my time with my dad; not having to share the time with my mother or sister, was a special time. As a parent, I wanted to share that with my children.  Living 4 ¼ miles from shul makes walking with my son an infrequent event. However, when the opportunity presents itself, and my son and I can walk to shul, it is a moment that I cherish. When he was little, I wrapped my pinkie finger and thumb around his wrist and wrapped my hand all around his. When he was little, I whistled or felt the need to keep him entertained while we walked to shul. Now, at fifteen, he is nearly as tall as me, his hands are as big as mine and he put his arm around me, sometimes protectively, sometimes just affectionately. Sometimes we speak, sometimes we don’t. While he walks with his eyes ahead, I catch myself looking at this maturing young man; I look at him and I am transported to a Shabbat when I was fifteen walking with my father, sometimes talking and sometimes not.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, (hospitality). He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that the world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s firstborn son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.

The Akeidat Yitzchak, the Binding of Isaac, a narrative that is considered to be among the most important if not the most important passage in the entire Torah, encompasses 19 verses. The language is terse and the details are sparse. So when a word or a derivative of a word appears six times in a sparsely worded, minimally detailed narrative, perhaps the text is teaching us something.  The word YaChDaV, or a form of of the word, such as YaChiD, or YaChiDecha (Yod, Chet, Dalet), appears six times: 22:2, 22:6, 22:8, 22:12; 22:16; 22:19 ) Yachadav in verses 22: 6, 22:8, and 22:19 means together, as in “they walked together”. Yachidcha, in 22:2, 22:12 and 22:16 “your only son. The Or HaChayim (Rabbi Chaim Attar, 18^th century Morroco) explains Yechidcha –Your only (son) as tantamount to the sanctity of loving one’s own soul.  In singling out Yitzchak to Avraham, God describes Yitzchak as Bincha – Your son (God speaking to Avraham). However, a Ben, a son will one day become his own man. However, God also describes Yitzchak as Yechidcha – he is your only, that is to say, joined with and part of your soul.  Yechidcha suggests there is no separation or distinction between father and son between the soul of the father and the soul of the son. By using the word Yachdav as a way to describe the fact that Avraham and Yitzchak walked together, we get an idea of how they walked together. When reading the text, we might want to ask, “What did father and son talk about for three days?”  The text ignores the first two days of the journey and only picks up the narrative once Avraham sees the mountain. But because the Torah uses the word YaChDav, we know that father and son walked in harmony, united, as one soul. There would be no reason to speak. Father and son know each other’s thoughts, they are kindred spirits. Rashi, the 11th Century French commentator explains that they walk together with a singular purpose.  Isaac is Avraham’s entire world and he understands Yitzchak’s pain is his father’s pain, Yitzchak’s anxiety is his father’s anxiety, and Yitzchak’s faith is his father’s faith. As much as Yitzchak is about to be bound to the altar in preparation for the offering, Yitzchak and Avraham are already bound together. 

So a father and son walk together, quietly. Certainly, each one is aware of what is before them. One will make the offering and one will be the offering. Yet, both are bound “together” with a singular purpose. A father and son walk together. Inevitably, the father and son glance at each other, knowing each other role. They are so spiritually close that with each glance they see themselves. Avraham sees what he used to be: young, idealistic, and pure; pure enough to be an offering. Yitzchak sees an old man (the Midrash teaches that there was no such thing as looking elderly until Avraham), who carries the spiritual scars of numerous triumphs, tribulations, and numerous spiritual tests. Yitzchak sees an old man girded in the armor of his faith in God. Hopefully, when my son and I walk together to shul, he doesn’t see such an “old man” just an “older man”. Maybe when he glances upon me he looks upon me the same way I looked upon my dad.  I know that when I look upon him, I wistfully think of myself at fifteen, coming into my own physically, formulating my own ideas about the world and wanting to challenge my father. However, I am also reassured that my father was just happy and content walking together when I was fifteen. So, I glance at my son and hope that he understands that just how content my soul is walking with him to shul.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

But If You Don't Face Straight Ahead You Could Not Stand The Shock (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Gomorrah")

I felt very blessed this week. Our eldest daughter called. This is an incredibly busy time with about 10 days left before Election Day and early voting has already commenced. She explained that she was in between meetings and had a few minutes now and knew that she would be busy the rest of the day. Usually when she calls me; she needs to vent. Sometimes she calls to ask for advice. There was a calm in this particular call. I asked her how the campaign was going. She said that she felt positive.  I asked why and she gave the oddest most counter-intuitive reply. The opposing campaign just released a series of negative ads. She explained that her opponents have no good ideas for the future, and how to solve problems. Instead, he can only look backward and point to problems with my daughter’s candidate. My daughter’s campaign was to make sure her candidate continues looking forward, inspiring others that together, problems can be solved, lives can be improved and life in the district can be better.  I ask if she doesn’t want to respond to the negative ads with something to disqualifying or diminishing? She laughed and said of course she does, that’s why she calls me. She needed to vent.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s firstborn son from his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.

                During these adventures, during these tests, it is fascinating to watch Avraham deal with each new issue, each new tension and arrive at solutions. Avraham always looks forward. Avraham looked forward towards Sodom and Gomorrah while God talked to Avraham about his intention to destroy those cities. When he is commanded to banish Hagar and Ishmael, Avraham looks forward toward where they will be going and gives them food and water in order to survive the journey. When asked to sacrifice his son, Isaac, Avraham doesn’t look back, he looks forward, towards the mountain where the sacrifice will supposedly occur. Compare this with Lot and his family (Gen 19:12-26).  Three times the angels tell Lot it’s time to leave. The first time,  Lot tells his children to leave, although there is no indication that Lot and his wife intend to go. The second time, the two angels lead Lot, his wife and children out, but Lot still can’t just leave! VaYitmama – still he lingered (Gen 19:16). Even when God’s messengers grab Lot, his wife, and his daughters by the hands and lead them out of the city VaYomer saying to them: Himaleit Al Nafshecha Al Tabit Acharecha v’Al Taamod B’Chol HaKikar Hahara Himaleit Pen Tisafeh- Flee for your life! Do not look behind you nor stop anywhere in all the plain; flee to the mount lest you be swept away (Gen 19:17). Lot can’t just move on. He chooses to remain; he thinks he can reason and negotiate. He assumes, if necessary, that he can flee to a nearby city.  Finally, they begin making their way towards the alternative destination,  VeTabeit Ishto M’Acharav Vathi  Ntziv Melach  But His wife looked back and she became a pillar of salt (Gen. 19:26) Ramban explains that she looked back to make sure her daughters were following. What parent would flee and have the children (little or young adult) behind them? A parent would either have the children in front of them or be holding their hand while fleeing. So what other reason was there to turn around. Like her husband, who had such a difficult time to move forward, Lot’s wife wanted to turn around one last time in order to see the life and the world she was leaving. She was merely emulating Lot. However, she did it “one more time”. From the Angels' perspective, enough was enough

                Sometimes moving forward can be very difficult. It can be especially difficult if there is a lack of commitment to move forward. Sometimes even with a strong commitment to move forward, the obstacles are too overwhelming. Sometimes it can be scary to go forward by oneself even if the person knows that it is the correct path. Sometimes moving forward means sacrificing a job, or power, or popularity. Sometimes moving forward is so emotionally paralyzing because it opens a whole new series of unanticipated consequences or even anticipated consequences with unacceptable solutions. Certainly, it is important to understand the past since it helps to deal with the future. However, one must avoid being enslaved by the past.  For Lot, as well as his wife, their sense of purpose was linked to life in the city: Sodom, or any city, it didn’t matter. Unlike Avraham and Sarai who “didn’t look back” but had enough faith in God and the future to look forward; Lot and his wife lacked that faith and were unable to steadfastly look forward. My daughter thanked me for listening and said that sometimes its hard to keep looking forward; it takes a lot of faith and a sense that tomorrow can really be better than today. I reminded that she needs to keep everybody pointing towards tomorrow and convince all those people who get scared by the negative ads need not be scared of the future.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

Like A Child She Is Pure, She Is Not To Blame (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Help Is On The Way")

As the Harvey Weinstein fall out continues, a resulting social media response focused upon giving voice to victims of sexual harassment. The “#Me-Too” campaign on both Facebook and Twitter, has allowed people who have been the victims of sexual harassment or abuse to “raise their hands”, to speak out without feeling alone, isolated or so ashamed. The #MeToo campaign not only gives voice to victims, but its victims transcend race, religion, social class, and economic standing.  As the #MeToo campaign has continued to unfold, and our daughters have become aware of it discussing it in school and at the dinner table; it’s incredible to think of the names of people being mentioned. Editors of magazines, television personalities, politicians, businessmen and university professors; just about anyone who occupies a position of power, and authority deliberately confused borders and boundaries with those who have little authority and little power to protect those borders and boundaries. The #MeToo campaign has empowered those who had, at one point, been un-empowered.  When  my daughters asked me what I thought of all this, I told them that as a father, I want to be sure to raise strong, independent women, who would never tolerate the harassment and raise their voice in support of those who feel so alone and alienated that they can’t raise their own voice and scream “me too.” Over the course of our discussion, our daughters now understand why  I raise them the way that I do, challenge them the way I do, push them in their studies the way I do, push them to be active in their community, to question and to argue is because I want them to have the emotional and spiritual tools to prevent them from becoming victims. I want them to have the tools to become strong independent women.

This Shabbat we read from Parsha VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, (hospitality). He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.

While the focus of the Parsha deals primarily with Abraham, there is a very disturbing narrative about Lot, Abraham’s nephew, Lot’s daughters, and the destruction of Sodom and Gemorrah. As two of the three messengers leave Abraham, they make their way to Sodom and Gomorrah in order to warn Lot and nine other “tzadikim” righteous inhabitants of the impending destruction.  Just as Abraham demonstrated the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim (Hospitality) to these strangers; Lot also welcomes the strangers into his home and feeds them. The townspeople of Sodom see Lot welcome these strangers and want Lot to send the strangers out to them. Lot, aware that sending out the strangers to the townspeople, would mean trouble for guests; comes up with a very troubling solution. VaYeitze Aleihem Lot HaPetcha V’HaDelet Sagar Acharav- Lot went out to them to the entrance, and shut the door behind him. Va’Yomer Al Nah Achai TaRei’U – And he said, “I beg you, my brothers, do not act wickedly.  Hinei Na Li Sh’tei Vanot Asher Lo Yadu Ish Otziah Na Ethein Aliechem V’Asu La’Hein Ka’Tov B’Eineichem Rok L’Anashim Ha’Eil Al Ta’Asu Davar Ki Al Kein Ba’u B”Tzeil Korati – See, now, I have two daughters who have never known a man. I shall bring them out to you and do to them as you please; but to these men do nothing inasmuch as they have come under the shelter of my roof (Gen. 19:6-8).  Unbelievable! A father offers his own daughters to a crazed mob in an attempt to placate them. The Midrash Tanchuma expresses a deep disturbance with Lot’s behavior: “Said the Holy One Blessed is He to Lot: ‘By your life! It is for yourself that you keep them’ because the end was that the drunken Lot lived with his daughters and they conceived by him.” The victims, the daughters, are just that, victims. They never had a chance to be anything but victims. For the Talmudic Sages of Midrash Tanchuma, the daughters’ plight goes as far back as Lot’s decision to move to Sodom and to be like the people of Sodom. His values were so misplaced and corrupt that it manifest itself with his daughters. So, because he had managed to damage his daughters by offering them to the mob in Sodom, he would constantly be reminded of his behavior and the damage he wrought by the fact that his daughters would use him in an a corrupt and reprehensible deed that will bring forth children whose names serve as mockery to their father: Moab (From father) and Ben-Ammi (Son of My Father). Lot would be the one to live with the shame the rest of his life.

Harvey Weinstein, Bill O’Reilly, Donald Trump and any other man that has power and authority and deals with women have not made it easy being a father of daughters.  These men and people like them have made my daughters’ world a little darker and a little meaner and a little more threatening.  So when the world is a little darker, we teach our daughters to be strong, resolute and vigilant about shining a light on the darkness. When the world is a little meaner we teach our daughters to retain their dignity, their grace, and their sense of Menschlekeit. When the world is a little more threatening we teach our daughters and our sons how to identify and acknowledge  the threat, avoid the threat, make sure that the threat eventually becomes insignificant and harmless, and always be a well- lit sanctuary from the likes of the Sodom and Gomorrah out there.

Peace,

Rav Yitz