Like A Child She Is Pure, She Is Not To Blame (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Help Is On The Way"

           With two daughters attending university, a daughter well into her career and supporting herself, and a son in 12th grade filling out university applications, I admit that there are moments that I don’t feel very much like a father of four, that I am “coasting” through fatherhood. After all,  the demands of fatherhood have changed since they were adolescents. However, recently, and all at once, the demands of fatherhood came crashing down upon me. Over the course of 48 hours, I had to spend a few hours helping a daughter with an essay for art history. I had to listen to another daughter share her angst and concern about a relationship and then I had to offer advice. Then later that same night I helped our son with his university application as well as engaged in a heated discussion with him regarding an online class that he was taking for extra credit in which he has procrastinated for months. Then finally, a brief conversation with my eldest daughter about her life. Needless to say, I was emotionally drained. Oh, how I almost yearned for those days when bedtime was early, the homework was simple, and the emotional issues much less fraught.  

           This week’s Parsha is VaYeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in Sodom and Gomorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the Parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s firstborn son and his concubine), and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac. While the narrative highlights Avraham’s faith in God, and certainly a man worthy of receiving God’s covenant; the Parsha is replete with a parent’s ill-treatment of a child. Avraham was willing to offer his son Yitzchak as a way of indicating his faith in God. He banished his son Ishmael into the wilderness. Certainly, it is possible to evaluate Avraham’s behavior as a father as a bit negligent, to say the least, and perhaps abusive.

        Yet the Torah struggles with portraying Avraham’s sons as just that, sons. When we read the text, we view Yitzchak and Ishmael as little boys, helpless victims in Avraham’s displays of faith. We easily forget that Yitzchak was thirty-seven years old when Avraham was asked to make him an offering to God. Ishmael’s status changes throughout the Parsha. His status changes within one narrative from verse to verse.  VaYeira HaDavar M’Ode B’Einei Avraham Al Odot B’no. VaYomer Elokim El Avraham Al Yeira B’Einecha AL HaNa’Ar v’Al Amatecha – The matter greatly distressed Avraham regarding his son. So God said to Avraham, “be not distressed over the (HaNa’ar) youth or your slave woman. (21:11-12). VaYitein El Hagar Sam Al Shichmah V’Et HaYeled V’Yishalcheha VaTeileich BaTeita B’Midbar B’Eir Shava -  He placed them on her should along with the Yeled (the boy), and sent her off… (Gen. 21:14).  Why does the text easily and seemingly so arbitrarily switch between the use of (Yeled) the boy and the (Na’Ar)  youth? The Chatam Sofer, Rabbi Moshe Schreiber, a late 18th early 19th-century German commentator and Halachist, points out that the term Na’ar (Youth) is used when Ishmael is home living with Avraham, and the term Yeled (boy/child) is used when Ishmael is in the wilderness cut off from his father’s influence.  A Na’Ar (a youth) was held to the same high standards that Avraham held for himself and his household. This means that as a Na’Ar, Ishmael embodied and lived up to the expectations of Avraham’s teachings. As Yeled (a boy), Ishmael was not held to the same high exacting standard of behavior and belief nor was he capable.

           Parenting is no easy task. Quite often it is thankless. As parents, we are constantly forced to make choices. Some of our choices are true tests in our faith in God. Some of our choices leave us feeling that we are stuck between choosing between “bad” and “worse”. Some of our choices mean that we need to know when the child is ready to transition from one stage of life to the next, from “baby” to “toddler”, from “teen” to “adult”. As parents we have a responsibility to our children, to pass along morals, values, and Torah. As parents, we also have the responsibility to determine how much responsibility our kids can handle as they make their way within the developmental process. As a result, we need to see our children as they are and not how we wish them to be. Only then can we help them transition from one stage of life to the next.

 Peace,
Rav Yitz 

I Was Blind All The Time I Was Learning To See (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Help Is On The Way")

             This week, I spent getting our youngest daughter, our 19-year-old, ready to head off to university in New York City. After picking her up from camp at the beginning of the week, there was laundry, doctors appointments, shopping, course registration, housing registration, medical forms to be submitted, and all the stuff that college students need for dorm life, and creating a new home while they are away at school. Finally, with all that finished, and a car loaded we drove down to New York and encountered hurricane Henri. We came to New York very late in the afternoon, dropped off her duffle bags and suitcase, and headed uptown to my sister and brother-in-law's upper west side apartment. We were wet, tired, hungry, and very tired. The next day, while the rain from Tropical Storm Henri continued to fall, we got her squared away and then attended a couple of orientation sessions. There was something for just the students, just the parents and both. Even though this was the third of four children, and I knew the drill when it comes to preparing and dropping children off at university. This felt different. Ten years ago, I brought our eldest to University by myself, I suppose I really didn’t know what I was doing. But ten years ago, our world was a very different place. Besides she was in a campus setting in the middle of nowhere in Upstate New York. The second daughter, both my wife and I brought her down to school, and although it was in New York City because the responsibilities were shared and my wife happily attended many of the orientation sessions. It was also pre-Covid. Knowing my wife wanted me to attend these orientation sessions; I went. To be honest, I wanted to hear the University administrators, teachers, and campus officials speak about the students' safety, security health, and welfare. I wanted to know the policies about Covid, and testing in order to ensure the safety and welfare of not only my daughter but all the daughters who are attending school. There was a long presentation about Covid, masks, testing, and vaccination requirements. It was very different from several governors of southern states and their stubborn refusal to permit school mask mandates and the safety and welfare of its students.

This week's Parsha is Ki Tavoh. For the past several Parshiot, Moshe has been listing and explaining all the precepts and laws. Last week's Parsha and the first part of Ki Tavoh explain the rewards. We will inherit the land; we will keep the land. Our enemies will be rendered weak. We will be fruitful and multiply. However, the second half of the Parshah explains all the curses that would befall us if we neglect to observe these laws. Every curse, of course, is the diametric opposite of the previous blessings. So if we were promised bountiful harvests and many children, then our curse will be drought, famine, and bareness. Traditionally, the Aliyot that contain the curses are read in a softer voice. However, as horrible as these curses are, we must understand that it is up to us. We can either follow these laws or not, and as a result, we will bear the consequences of our actions. This is not necessarily a bad lesson for us as well as our children to learn. We are responsible for our actions, and we must bear responsibility for the consequences of those actions.

        One of the curses is most poignant in light of listening to Trump.  Arur Mashgeh Iveir Ba'Derech, Va'Amar Kol Ha'Am Amen - Accursed is one who causes a blind person to go astray on the road. And the entire nation said 'Amen" (Deut 27:18). If read this literally, it seems the verse is speaking about, a guide or maybe a seeing-eye dog that would lead the blind astray. However, this curse is symbolic. We know that Torah is tantamount to light, to spiritual light, and the word Derech (way) is usually in combination with the Way of the Lord (God's Laws). On a metaphorical level, the curse is upon those leaders of a community that causes the less knowledgeable to go astray. If that knowledge causes those who are blind (re: those who are in the dark or without light) to go astray, then that leader should be cursed. Implicit to that statement is that the one who causes the blind to go astray sees the light, has the knowledge, knows better, and teaches or guides the community away from God. 

        Our Talmudic Sages offer an Aggadah about the teachers/Rabbis who were the leaders of their communities. "If there are two teachers, one who covers much ground but is not exact, and one who does not cover much ground but is exact, Rav Dimi b. Nehardea maintained that the one who is exact and does not cover much ground is to be appointed. The reason? A mistake once implanted (in the mind or in behavior) remains [a mistake]. (Talmud Baba Batrah 21a-b). The Talmudic sages essentially understood the first rule in education. It is terribly difficult to undo that which has already been incorrectly taught.  It appears that the Talmudic Sages also understood quite a bit about how impressionable college students can be. It appears that the Talmudic Sages also understood the power of those in trusted positions of authority, teachers, administrators, some elected officials, and the media. So, standing on a Manhattan sidewalk in front of our daughter’s dorm and my car parked, I hugged and kissed my youngest daughter goodbye. Through smiles and tear-filled eyes, I told my youngest daughter what I have told her and her three siblings their whole lives. I reminded her how she was raised, I reminded her to use her common sense: don’t walk alone in New York at night, don’t take the subways alone at night, be aware of surroundings, avoid parks at night, wear a mask when going indoors. I  reminded her that she can call me at any time of day for anything good, bad or just to say “hi”. I reminded her that I won’t call her five times a day as I never want to be the overbearing parent that doesn’t give a child room to grow.  Finally with one last hug and kiss, and a wipe away of her tear, I was about to give one more piece of last-second fatherly advice, something inspirational. However, my daughter beat me to it. She smiled and said to me what I have been saying to her for the past week as we prepared for this moment. “Yes, Abba, I know, my job is to study, take classes that I enjoy, and, most of all, don’t do stupid. I know you spent your life teaching me ‘to avoid stupid decisions and not do stupid’, I know… you taught me well.” With one last hug and kiss, I watched her head off to her next orientation session, and I realized that as she began this new chapter of her life; she was where she was supposed to be.

Peace,
Rav Yitz

Paradise Waits, On The Crest Of A Wave Her Angels In Flame (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - Help Is On The Way)

           With the conclusion of the Chagim, my son and I immediately took down our Sukkah and put everything away. I packed up and began the long drive to New Jersey. The plan was to pick up our daughter and take visit a few universities. Over the course of two days, we drove through two states and visited two large campuses, one in New Jersey and one in New York state. We will visit a few Ontario schools over the next few weeks. Meanwhile, as we toured these two large university campuses, I was struck by the idyllic setting. The weather was beautiful, sunny around 15-20 C or 60-70 F. The foliage was spectacular, and the views inspiringly beautiful in these idyllic settings. Our daughter walked around, asked questions of a friend who led us around and seemed genuinely comfortable on a campus. We visited a variety of points of interest. Ironically, as we walked around, I thought about how much I missed studying at university. As I walked with our daughter, I realized that I missed the Idyllic setting of a university campus.
           This week’s Parsha is Breishit. It is the first parsha of the first Book of the Torah. For all intents and purposes, it is the beginning of the Torah. In Breishit, we read the story of Creation, (The Beginning); Adam and Chava’s banishment from Paradise (Gan Eden), and the fratricide of Cain and Abel. We begin however with God. God is the Creator, the ultimate power. If knowledge is power, then God is the ultimate source of knowledge. We accept this as part of our Jewish theology. God is all-knowing and all powerful. We read the words: V’yivrah Elohim et Ha’Adam b’Tzalmo, B’Tzelem Elohim Barah Oto Zachar u’Nekeivah Barah Otam. “And God created man in His own image. In the image of God, He created him; male and female He created them. (1:27). The question, therefore, is: What is the image of God? Obviously part of that image is the power to create, the power to create life. We surmise this because, in the next verse, God commands Adam and Chava to be fruitful and multiply, to create life just like God had created. Another image of God is Power. God’s purpose in creating humanity was that they “should have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the earth…” (1:26) In today’s vernacular “dominion” is Power. However the ability to create, and the ability to exercise power sagaciously, and judiciously, necessitates the attainment of knowledge. Perhaps that is our greatest gift. We have the ability to learn, to reason, to discern between right and wrong. To do so expresses our faith in God, re-affirms that, indeed, we are created in God’s image, and we possess an aspect of Holiness.
           In the Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Chagigah (14b), there is an Aggadah, a Rabbinic legend, which illustrates the notion that attaining knowledge and understanding how to attain knowledge is a holy endeavor. Four of the leading sages of their generation entered an idyllic setting called PaRDes (literally the “orchard” or Paradise). They were Ben Assai, Ben Zoma, Elisha ben Abuyah, and Rabbi Akiva. They entered PaRDeS and came into contact with the pure power, pure knowledge and complete perfection. They came into contact with God. As a result, one sage died immediately. One sage went insane, one became a heretic, and was referred to as Acher (the other), by the rest of the Talmudic Sages. Only Rabbi Akiva emerged unscathed. The commentators of this Aggadah explain that PaRDeS is an acronym for four methods of Torah inquiry: P’shat (the simple literal meaning), Remez (understanding the meaning based upon hint and intimation), Drash (derive meaning based upon interpretation), and Sod( deriving meaning based upon uncovering secret meanings). Imagine that? Our tradition explains that Paradise, an idyllic setting, is achieved through Torah study and deriving meaning in four different ways. Relying on any one way will limit intellectual and spiritual growth. However incorporating each aspect, and understanding when to utilize one more than the other or how much of each aspect to use in order to determine meaning is what allowed Rabbi Akiva to leave PaRDeS unscathed. In a sense our sages are absolutely correct, PaRDeS is studying Torah for the sake of intellectual and spiritual growth and enlightenment.
           The attainment of knowledge and Truth is a Godly endeavor. The use of such knowledge judiciously and wisely for creative purposes represents the notion that we are indeed created in God’s image. Not only is knowledge power, but understanding how to attain and use that knowledge is also the key to a spiritually enlightened life. No, I am not returning to University any time soon. but as I watched my daughter walk on these University campuses, asking questions and noticing her genuine excitement and curiosity, I hope she will eventually appreciate the opportunity of spending the next few years studying in her version of an academic Paradise.
Peace,
Rav Yitz

She Has No Pain Like A Child She Is Pure, She Is Not To Blame (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "Help Is On The Way")

          Friends of ours celebrated their son’s Bar Mitzvah. We ate, drank, and were subjected to incredibly loud music designed for young people. It always amazes me as a parent, that once you achieve the milestone of your youngest child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah, the music at every other Bar/Bat Mitzvah seems so much louder. Yes, I suppose it is an indication of old age. We also sat through several speeches. The Bar Mitzvah boy gave offered interesting words of Torah. The siblings spoke. However, it was listening to both the father and the mother speak that began to understand and thinking about our children’s rights of passage and milestones: Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, Weddings, and Bris or graduations. The father spoke and referenced his mother who had passed away several years before. The mother invoked her father who had been unable to attend her older son’s Bar Mitzvah because he, the grandfather of the Bar Mitzvah boy, was in Israel mourning and sitting Shiva for his mother. Through her joy and pride in her son, through her tears and gratitude that her father was able to attend this family event; she demonstrated what every parent understands. At any achievement of a milestone, at every lifecycle event, the parents, we parents understand that the purer the joy, the greater the sense of a desire to invoke and share that moment with a loved one who is unable to be there and, in effect, temper that joy.
          This week’s Torah portion is Parsha Tazria. Parsha Tazria concentrates upon how impurity, a spiritual impurity is passed between people. The majority of the Parsha focuses upon Leprosy as it was considered to be a very physically contagious disease. Parsha Tazria puts the diagnosis, the treatment, and the convalescence in spiritual terms rather than physical terms. We learn that the while this Tumah, this spiritual impurity is present, the stricken individual cannot reside within the camp. After all, God dwells in the camp and we cannot tolerate any impurity near God.
          However, prior to its discussion of Leprosy, Parsha Tazria outlines the somewhat troubling laws concerning impurity in childbirth. Fundamentally, the notion of impurity relates to coming into contact with that which is dead. In Parsha Shemini, Torah outlined impurities that come from dead animals. In this Parsha, we are reminded that a Mother is touched by death during the miracle of childbirth. Isha Ki Tazria V’Yalda Zachar V’Tamah Shivat Yamim Kimei Nitdat Dotah Titmah – When a woman conceives and gives birth to a male, she shall be contaminated for a seven day period as during the days of her separation infirmity shall she be contaminated (Lev. 12:2). Imagine becoming spiritually impure after being blessed by the miracle of childbirth. Yet, this new mother lost blood; she lost some aspect of her life force during the birth process. As a result, while simultaneously being touched by a new life, she is also touched by her own mortality.
          Perhaps there is no more an intense moment than when a new mother, physically exhausted and spent, holds the newborn. The Rabbis of the Talmud teach that surviving childbirth is an equivalent to a near-death experience and saying Birkat HaGomeil is therefore required. (Praised are You, Lord Our God, King of the universe who graciously bestows favor upon the undeserving, even as He has bestowed favor upon me.) Inherent to surviving a near-death experience is the notion that the individual comes precipitously close to death. Even in the miracle of life, we are reminded of its fragility. Even in death, we are reminded that we are forever striving towards elevated levels of holiness. In the most physical moments, and certainly, childbirth is quite a physical endeavor, we are reminded that it is our spiritual task to elevate that physical moment into a spiritually holy moment as well. As parents celebrating our children’s milestones, we are innately aware of the need to acknowledge our sense of loss and elevate it by incorporating it into our celebration.

              Peace

Rav Yitz