I Would Say That The Blame Is Mine (John Barlow & Bob Weir - "My Brother Esau")

A few Sundays ago, it was “Daddy Day”. I had the opportunity to spend the day with our children while my wife was busy.  I had the great idea of taking the kids horseback riding. I found a place, made a phone call and spoke to the horse stables. The individual explained to me the physical requirements: age, height, length of inseam etc.  Our 13 and 11 year old satisfied all the requirements. Our nine year old was too young, and his inseam was maybe 1 ½ to 2 inches too short.  I explained to him that we would try and go anyway but I needed him to lie.  He looked up at me and I could see the worry on his face. I asked him what was wrong.  “You and mommy don’t get mad when I lie.” I reminded him that he routinely tells lies when we ask him if he washed his hands when he leaves the bathroom or if his homework was finished and he would say “yes”.  He quickly explained that those are very different cases because “you know I am lying and basically I am playing a game. This is different.”  However he wanted to go horseback riding so he went along.  I told him that he was now 10 instead of 9. He was in 5^th grade and not 4^th grade. He was born in 2003 and not in 2004. I reminded him to just answer the questions that are asked. On our way to the stables, we practiced. “How old are you?” “Ten”.  “What grade are you in?” “ 5^th grade”.  “What year were you born?” “2003”. I reminded him that when he is asked these questions, he needs to look straight ahead at the person and just answer the way we practiced.  Well when we arrived, the woman who ran the stables asked  our son how old he was.  He blinked for a long time,  he  took a deep breath, and looked straight up toward the ceiling and answered in one breath, “I am 10, I was born in 2003, and I am in 5^th grade.” His sisters and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes and thought the same thing. “What a bad liar!” It turned out that he didn’t fit into the stirrup anyway so we never went horseback riding.  When we told Mommy about  the incident, she was so proud that he was such a bad liar.

This Shabbat we read from Parshah Toldot. This Parshah serves as a transition from the narratives of Avraham  to the upcoming narratives of Yaakov. This one Parshah focuses upon Yitzchak and Rivka’s struggle to have children, the ensuing twin sons that are born: Yaakov and Esav, Yitzchak receiving the same blessing re-affirmation of the covenant that Avraham received, Esav’s selling his birthright and then Rebecca scheming with her son Yaakov to trick Yitzchak into giving Yaakov the Blessing of the first born.  The Parshah concludes with Yaakov receiving the Blessing and then being forced to flee for his life because of his brother’s wrath.  

When Esav comes to get his blessing, Yitzchak, the father, tells his son, the son whom he intended to bless states:  Vayomer Bah Achicha B’Mirmah Vayikach Birchatecha – He (Yitzchak) said, Your brother came  B’Mirmah (in guile, in fraud) and took your  blessing.  The statement suggests that Yaakov coldly and callously stole Esav’s blessing. However in reality Yaakov reluctantly went along with his mother, Rebecca’s, plan.  When Yaakov heard his mother’s plan, Yaakov responded with caution Ulai YeMusheini  Avi V’Hayita V’Einav Kimtatei’ah V’Heiveiti Alai K’lalah V’Lo Bracha – Perhaps my father will feel me, and I shall be as a mocker in his eyes; I will therefore bring a curse upon myself rather than a blessing (27:12). Yaakov recognizes the shortcomings in the plan and recognizes that there is a real risk to being caught in a web of deceit.  .  After his mother re-assures him that she will take responsibility, Yaakov goes and brings meat for his mother to prepare, VaYeilech VaYiKach Vayavei L’Imo. The Talmudic Sages in Breishit Rabbah offer an insight into Yaakov’s reluctance to go along with his mother’s plan.  They explain very simply and succinctly Enos V’Chafuf U’Bocheh – Under duress, bent and weeping. From this comment, the Talmudic sages suggest that Yaakov was deeply troubled, caught between not wanting to deceive his father and not wanting to disappoint his mother.  Yes he ultimately went along with his mother’s plan, but did so unenthusiastically and hesitatingly.

When I listened to our son, tell his mom what I had asked him to do, it was quite evident that I had put him into an uncomfortable position, a position that he was not yet ready to assume.  Needless to say I was quite proud that his conscience bothered him about such a white lie. He still claims to have washed his hands when he leaves the bathroom when indeed he hasn’t. He still tells us that he finished his homework, when he hasn’t.  However I realize the discomfort and the trepidation that I caused my son was a result of the fact that I asked him to do something that we otherwise deem as inappropriate. I suppose my son taught me a valuable lesson.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

She Kneels Down To Gather Her Water (John Barlow & Bob Weir- 'Weather Report Suite Part II - Let it Grow")

          A friend of mine and I were talking about our eldest children. We both have daughters in their early twenties. Both of our daughters are very dedicated to their careers and graduate school. Neither one has the time to invest in a serious relationship and neither one is looking to get married. They both explain to us that they will worry about marriage in a few years, after graduate school, or when they feel that they have progressed far enough in their respective careers. As parents my friend and I would love to see our daughters meet someone and get married. Also, we take a deep sigh of relief knowing that as each of our daughters continue to mature, grow comfortable with who they are, and what is important to them, we hope that they will exercise good judgment when it comes time to make such an important decision. My friend and I make no bones about it, we hope that they will marry someone Jewish. We also hope that our daughters will marry someone that brings out the best qualities in our daughters, someone who is smart, kind, decent, and with similar values as our daughters. So instead of asking each of our daughters if she is dating someone; we ask if they go to shul, if they participate in their synagogues’ social programs. We ask them, we bother them and we probably annoy them, but they understand what we think is important. Ultimately however, they are on their own, and they have to make their own decisions.

          However, in this week's Parsha, we learn how to evaluate a person’s character. We learn how judge. This week's Parsha is Chayei Sarah. The Parsha begins with the recounting the years of Sarah's life, Avraham's mourning for his wife, purchasing the land for Sarah's burial and then burying her. Avraham then tells his servant that he does not want his son, Yitzchak, marrying a Canaanite woman. Instead, the servant must return to Avraham's hometown and look for a woman from Avraham's family/ tribe. The servant wants to know how to determine which girl is the right girl for his Master's son. Avraham answers that the girl that returns with the servant is the right girl. Armed with treasures, camels and plenty of wealth for a dowry the servant sets off and decides that the best place to find a girl is by the local well. There the servant decides that the "right" girl is the girl who would offer him water, as well as offer his camels’ water. Sure enough, Rebecca arrives at the well and fulfills the servant's standard. The servant returns with Rebecca to her family, convinces the family to let her go, and Rebecca is asked if she wants to return with the servant. Rebecca unhesitatingly responds with a yes. Now Rebecca has fulfilled the servant's requirement as well as Avraham's requirement. Upon her arrival at her new home, she sees her betrothed, and, not knowing who he was, asked the servant. The servant told her and she covered herself. Rebecca and Yitzchak are married. The Parsha concludes with Yitzchak and Ishmael burying their father, and the genealogy of Ishmael's family.

           

The story of the Yitzchak and Rebecca is one of the more unique stories in Torah. It is not a story of love at first sight. Rather the narrative has very little to do with love and has everything to do with qualities of another person, not the feeling generated by another person.  The qualities that the servant deems to be vital for his master, Avraham, and his Master’s son, Yitzchak are not based upon emotion. Instead the qualities are based upon character of the girl herself, and the narrative mentions that quality three times. The first mention occurs when the servant prays to God that a girl offers water to him and his camels. Vayomer Adonai Elohei Adoni Avraham Hakrei Nah Lfanai Hayom V'Asei Chesed Im Adoni Avraham - And he said, " Lord, God of my master Avraham, may you so arrange it for me this day that you do kindness with my master Abraham, See, I stand here by the spring of water and the daughters of the townsmen come out to draw. Let it be that the maiden to whom I shall say 'Please tip over your jug so I may drink', and who replies, 'Drink, and I will even water your camels,'…. (Gen 24:12-14) The second telling of this story is when it actually occurs. (Gen 24:15-21) The third telling of the story occurs when the servant tells it for the first time to Rebecca's family (Gen.24:42-46). These events must be significant if Torah tells us the events in three different contexts, all of which are in the same chapter.

            We all have standards of what attracted us to our husbands and wives. We all have standards of what attracted us to a person as a friend, as a client or even as a congregant and Rabbi. Torah is teaching us one vital thing. The standard is not looks. The standard is not brains. The standard is not family background, nor comportment. The Torah’s standard is to see people and evaluate their behavior. Is the person a mentsche? Are they decent? Are they compassionate? Do they perform acts of Gemilut Chasadim (Acts of Loving Kindness)?  This is the person you want for a mate, a friend, a confidant, and yes, even a Rabbi. We all have standards and requirements that allow us to make judgments. We should never allow superficial qualities  to be the basis for those judgments. God does not judge us in such a fashion. Nor should we judge others in a superficial fashion based entirely upon emotions. Emotions come and go. But the content of a person’s character should remain constant.

Peace,

Rav Yitz 

You Gave All You Had, Why You Want To Give More? (Robert Hunter & Mickey Hart - "Fire On The Mountain")

One of the experiences that we have had while living in Toronto has been the fact that frequently my children tend to be the “United States Expert” among their friends. Whenever something odd happens in the United States, my kids will generally have to answer for it.  If the President does something, or Congress does something or if the Federal Reserve does something, or if Mylie Cyrus does something; my children will be asked to offer their opinion. Sometimes this happens in formal settings such as a classroom with a teacher present and sometimes it happens informally while they are playing or talking with friends. Recently my children have had to take a crash course on Legislative Procedure and Congressional Party Politics as they have had to explain the United States government shutdown and the impending Debt Ceiling Crisis that could invariably affect the world economy. This can be pretty complex and heady stuff for a fourth grader, a sixth grader and an eighth grader.  I have tried to present a non partisan explanation that is simple enough for my kids to understand and to repeat in a classroom or to their friends without making the United States look ridiculous to Canadians. This by the way is no easy task. During the course of my explanation our sixth grader offered a terrific solution to what appears to be an insurmountable problem in Washington D.C. She very calmly identified the problem. From her perspective, it appears that one side can’t find someone on the other side to talk to, someone who is willing to listen and figure out a compromise. She suggested that the President invites some of the leaders of the other side to have an informal casual dinner where they try to solve the problems instead of blaming each other for why they arrived at the problem. Hachnasat Orchim is a fundamental and one of the most essential values of Jewish Life. We learn from the Talmud in Tractate Shabbat: “To extend hospitality is loftier than to greet the Divine Presence!”

This week’s Parsha is Vayeira. The narrative and adventures of Avraham the Patriarch continue. While healing from his ritual circumcision, he fulfills the mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim, hospitality. He negotiates with God and reduces the number of righteous people that must be found in S’dom and Amorrah in order to prevent its destruction. The narrative of Avraham is interrupted as we read the narrative of Lot, the two Angels (the same two that had visited Avraham at the beginning of the parsha), the destruction of the city, and the impure relationship that results when the survivors think that world has been destroyed. The narrative returns to Avraham as its focus and he and his wife Sarah give birth to a son (Yitzchak), the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael (Avraham’s first born son and his concubine) and the final test of his belief, the Akeidat Yitzchak – the Offering of Isaac.

Avraham’s formidable spiritual character is evident at the very beginning of the Parsha. At the ripe old age of 99, Avraham just circumcised himself at the ripe old age of 99. The Parsha begins with Avraham’s recuperation from surgery. “V’hu Yoshev Petach Ha’Ohel K’Chom HaYom.- He sat in the tent door in the heat of the day” (18:1). Rashi, the medieval northern French commentator, explains why a 99 year old man would be sitting at the opening of his tent (petach ha’ohel) while still recovering from surgery. Lirot Im Yesh Oveir v’Shav v’Yachnisem b’Veito- Avraham sat in his tent’s opening to see if there were passersby, whom he could take into his home.  Other medieval commentators make it abundantly clear that Avraham was as hospitable as possible. For fear that Avraham could be criticized for not inviting his three guests to stay and spend the evening; we are told that this visit took place at mid day. The only appropriate display of hospitality during the middle of the day was to wash the dust of his guests and prepare a feast. So Avraham did. Yet he did so without any sense of ego. Instead he performed this act of kindness in the most selfless manner. Avraham’s name is not mentioned until the 6^th verse of the Parshah (Gen18:6). The first five verses only refer to Avraham in a pronoun form. 

What do we learn that Avraham fulfills this mitzvah in a nameless fashion? We learn that the highest level of hospitality requires us to forsake our own ego. Extending hospitality is not for our benefit. Hospitality is a selfless act; not a selfish one. Ironically, engaging in this selfless act leads to our enrichment. We are better off having done it. Hachnasat Orchim allows us to express our humanity, and our sense of concern the other, the guest, the newcomer. Hachnasat Orchim, in a sense, is the foundation for a warm caring community. Also for Hachnasat Orchim to truly be expressed it can only be done selflessly without concern for a "thank you’s", or any possible reward. By expecting nothing in return for fulfillment of a Mitzvah, we learn that we are engaged in the mitzvah for the sake of the mitzvah and to take a closer step towards God.

Peace,

Rav Yitz

So Many Roads I Know All I Want Is One To Take Me Home (Robert Hunter & Jerry Garcia - "So Many Roads)

          Our nine year old son has been a source of aggravation over the past week.  Granted, our son had his first full week of school last week. With the Holidays behind us, he was rudely reminded that school involves five days a week, homework, studying, and taking tests.  This week, our son had a test that encompassed a lot of material.  In his mind, “homework” and “test preparation” are two very separate and distinct concepts. As a result, when his mother asks, “did you finish your homework?” His response will be based only upon the actual task assigned for that particular day. He still has no understanding that homework assignment may be due in two or three days but it is still considered homework.  Unfortunately, he still gets surprised when he arrives in school slightly less than prepared for a quiz or a small test due to his lack of studying.  So the other day, I asked if he completed his homework. “Yes” he said. I reminded him “homework” includes “studying for test”.  He hemmed, he hawed, he rolled his eyes, and he whined “But Abba…” I cut him off quickly and sarcastically. I told him that I already finished fourth grade so I do not need to study for his test or take his test. I explained that when I inquire about his preparing for a test it is not for me but for him.

This week's Parsha is Lech Lecha. In it, God commands Abram to leave his father, his homeland and everything he has ever known and go to a place where God will show him later. Abram does. He heads down towards Egypt because of a famine. Avram leaves Egypt with money, flocks, servants, and wealth. He and his nephew decide to part ways since each their respective flocks not only become intermingled but their hired hands fight among each other. Abram then fights against several kings in an attempt to protect Lot. Then his wife Sarai, who is barren, tells Abram to make Hagar (the maidservant) the surrogate mother. Abram listens and Hagar has a son named Ishmael. She runs away and then returns. God tells Abram a prophecy. Abram will become the father of a great nation, and that nation will become enslaved for several centuries and then will return to the land that God promised Abram. Then God instructs Abram to circumcise himself, his son Ishmael and all the males of his household. All these events are linked together by the theme of "Lech Lecha" of going, of travelling.

The Parsha begins with a rather odd use of phrase.  Normally when we read the words VaYomer Adoshem – “And Hashem Said”, we expect a simple declarative statement to follow. If an instruction is about to be issued, we would expect a verb in the “second person” to appear without a preposition. For example, last week we began a new Hebrew Month, Cheshvan. The Torah reading for “Rosh Chodesh” (the new month) begins: Vayidaber  Adoshem El Moshe Leimor – Hashem Spoke to Moshe saying: Tzav et Bnai Yisroel  - “Command the Children of Yisroel…” There is no preposition following the verb directed at Moshe. However in the case of Avram, when Hashem gives this specific instruction we notice the preposition “Lecha”: VaYomer Adoshem El Avram: Lech Lecha -Hashem said to Avram: Go “Lecha” (for yourself) MeiArtzecha U’Mimoladetecha U’MiBeit Avicha El Ha’Aretz Asher Areka – From you r land, from your relatives, and from your father’s house to the land that I will show you (Gen.12:1).  God tells Avram to do something, and implicit to the instruction is a reminder for whom is Avram to go? Is Avram supposed to go for God or his father? No, Avram goes “Lecha” (for himself). Rashi, the great 11^th century French commentator  clarifies this particularly odd use of the prepositional phrase Lech Lecha – go for yourself: “LHanatcha U’LTovtecha For your benefit and your own good”. Telling Avram to go is not for God’s benefit but for Avram’s benefit. Telling to Avram to “go” is not for God’s own good but for Avram’s own good.  Avram is supposed to do this because it is for his benefit.

Our son will worry about the grade on his test. If he comes home with a good mark he will be excited. If he comes home with a mediocre or bad mark he will be upset.  However as parents, we couldn’t care less about the grade he earns on this test. More importantly we will reiterate that the object is to study and prepare in order to do well for himself, so that he will feel good about himself, so that he understands the link between his effort and his achievement for himself, not for me.

Peace,

Rav Yitz